Am I selfish?

[Lara91]

Im beating myself up about this but its making me really anxious.
Im in a relationship with a man who has a (now) 17 year old son.( he was 13 when I met his dad)
I have a 25 year old daughter who has long since flown the nest.
Prior to us meeting 4 years ago my partner had never taken his son on holiday..He made up various excuses (he couldnt afford to take him being one)
Since meeting me we have taken his son away on holiday for the last 4 years and for the last 2 years he brought a friend with us.
This year my partner is expecting us to go on holiday with his son again, but this time with his son taking 2 mates both who are 18. We stay in a family holiday home and its all of us under one roof.
Im so stressed about it.
My partner genuinally thinks its totally expected of me to want to holiday in one property with 3 older teenage lads who will be drinking/parting at night and lounging around all day.
Last year I was constantly picking up underwear and flushing toilets (theirs) and making sure my door was shut when I was in my bedroom etc...
None if them are mine and I think at my age if my partner wants them to come on holiday then he should be taking them himself.

[MiddleClassProblem]

Yeah, don't let him palm off your feelings too much. He's probably not used to thinking of it from a female view point. I mean you might even need him to imagine if he had to deal with your daughter at his DS's age having a night time leak as girls do

[DoreenLethal]

The accomodation is paid for as it belongs to my side of the family so we get to use it for free.

In that case tell your 'partner' that the lads are not even invited!

[FinallyHere]

Ummm, i really don't agree that your options start and end with him going along or them going alone. Have i got this clear, this 'holiday' is somewhere your family own/can use for free-ish?

Do you really want three 17year olds who can't or won't operate a loo, to holiday alone there for a couple of weeks? Who is going to clear up the mess afterwards? Fair enough if OH goes to supervise but I'm not getting why you are gathering your courage to say he can go with them or them alone... who is asking you very kindly whether you are prepared to let them use it again, given how they treated it last time? Who is apologising for not flushing the loos last time? I'm using this as a catch all for what it is like to spare space with lazy, selfish people.

I really understand how you feel as a woman about sharing space with almost male non-relatives. My elder stepson stayed with us for a few months, to refinance. While he was a perfect guest, cooked us a delicious meal once a week entirely unprompted It didn't feel as if the space was mine. While i was sad when he left to go abroad, i was sooo glad to have my own space back.

Please stand up for yourself and your daughter, just a tad, to get things back in balance. All the best.

[FinallyHere]

I meant, of course, almost fully grown male non-relatives

[Summerlovinf]

Time for the boy to change his own bedsheets. Not difficult and not u reasonable. My DS prefers to change his own, although I do still have to remind him

[Lara91]

Yes....Its completely free....they just pay for flights....hence why I was astounded when my partner expected 3 almost fully grown male non relatives to be joining us again this time..I had hoped last year would be the last time we would be taking anyone with us, this is the 4th year in a row we've used it with my partner,son and mates.
Prior to meeting my partner I would go with my daughter or my best friend and sometimes escape there alone to read, drink wine and gather my thoughts...
All of them are growing up and all sexually active and its a" non mother to any of them" nightmare...

[MrsEvadneCake]

No, not selfish. It is selfish to take people on a free holiday provided by someone who doesn't want them there. Just say not this time. I want it to be just us. If he doesn't like it he can find an alternative holiday and you can go for your quiet time.

[Lara91]

Thankyou. This has all helped to give me the confidance to say no - not again.

[ImperialBlether]

I think I'd go with your daughter and your best friend this time and tell him to stay at home with his son. It's interesting that he wasn't bothered about taking his son on holiday in the past and now he's happy for you to change his son's bed etc. Is this guy living in your home or did you get somewhere together?

[Penfold007]

Your partner is taking advantage of you and the accommodation. If you don't want these young men there say so. Maybe give him the choice of coming with you on his own or booking his own holiday for himself, son and mates. Don't be bullied into a holiday that's your idea of hell.

[haveacupoftea]

Just say to your partner that you think the boys are too old to be going away with parents and if he wants to help his son out with a lads holiday he can throw him some money towards a cheap all inclusive in magaluf.

I doubt the boys even want to go with you two.

If you really must bend, you could fly out for a week and come home, the boys could fly out for the second week. But its your families property so dont feel like you have to let them use it. They would have to pay for a cleaner as well.

[ImperialBlether]

Do you pay for your partner's and his son's flights?

[Falling270]

You're going to have to put your foot down on this one. It's a no go. YANBU!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Prior to us meeting 4 years ago my partner had never taken his son on holiday..He made up various excuses (he couldnt afford to take him being one)"

Am I understanding this correctly? He is using your family's holiday home to play 'The Big I Am' to his son and his son's friends, turning you into a skivvy?

No, no, no. His son and his son's friends are not invited. In your shoes, I'm not even sure I'd invite your partner.

As a matter of interest - is this the only example of cocklodger tendencies, or is there more to his financial meanness beyond using your holiday home as if it is his, inviting all and sundry?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

One more thing - you titled this thread 'Am I selfish?'.

Where did you get that idea from, that not wanting to waste your holiday was selfish? Is that what your partner tells you when you object to being a doormat/skivvy?

He was happy to not take his son on holiday at all, before he met someone with a family holiday home. Now that is selfish. Of him.

[Iflyaway]

The accomodation is paid for as it belongs to my side of the family so we get to use it for free...

Ah, so not only are they getting a "free" holiday (accommodation anyway), they also expect you to skivvy after them?!

Fuck that.

[Iflyaway]

Do NOT be bullied into this!

Cos you will need another holiday to recuperate.

Some people are so egocentric and selfish, it beggars belief...

[Lara91]

In reply to Whereyouleftit;

Im not sure my partner even realises what he is doing...
He has tried to "invite" other friends of his to stay but thankfully so far no one has been due to other holiday commitments.

[RandomMess]

If they go without you who is going to be responsible for any damage etc?

I wouldn't be happy at all.

[Whocansay]

Why don't you just go with your DD and let him take them somewhere else? Then you both get time with your kids?

You are absolutely not being selfish. DH is though.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Well I think it's high time you made your partner realise what he is doing, by spelling it out.

Along the lines of 'Are you aware that you didn't take your son on holiday before you met me because it was too much like parenting too expensive, but now that you can go to my family's holiday home for free, you not only take your son on holiday to this free holiday home, but like to play the liege lord, inviting all and sundry to MY holiday? And I'm not happy about it, and it stops right now. Your son and has friends can go find the 18-30 brochure, they are not coming with us.' And neither are you if I get any more backchat off you on this subject.

Seriously, it's your holiday. You want to spend it with him, not a bunch of randoms. No, his son's not a random, but at 17 surely he'd rather holiday away from his dad?

[honeyroar]

The other alternative is to start organising everyone to death now, print out a horrendous cleaning rota, cooking rota, set rules for no drinking in the apartment except at mealtimes, midnight curfews etc, until they don't see it as such a good deal anymore!

[Hillfarmer]

I had hoped last year would be the last time we would be taking anyone with us, this is the 4th year in a row we've used it with my partner,son and mates.

Hi OP,

The key phrase here is I had hoped.... you do actually need to give voice to your opinions. No harm in that! There's no point in 'hoping' that you won't be exploited this year, the way you have been exploited the past four years. What evidence did you have that your partner would treat you any differently this year?

Now is the time to stop hoping and start stropping. The ball is completely in your court. Your family own the property, so you call the shots. End of. You've been a pushover for 4 years... stop it. It doesn't matter if your partner realises it or not, he is using you and it's unacceptable, whether it was 3 boys, 2 boys, a mixed ice hockey team, whatever - it doesn't matter what combination he is foisting on you, just say no. (After all, it's a full sentence!)

[Clutterbugsmum]

Sounds to me you need to tell your partner that this will be the last free holiday for both him, his son and ds friends at your family holiday home. And it does sound like he using your family for his own benefit.

I would then get him, his son and friends in one place and lay down the law.

They will each pay £xXx to cover the cost of food, cleaning, transport etc.

They will not bring any strangers into the property.

They will pay for any damage done to the property, because lets face the boys will just see it as boozy holiday.

And most importantly YOU will not be cooking, cleaning, picking up their rubbish or flushing the toilet after them as they are all adults and look after themselves. And if your partner says anything remind him that this is a HOLIDAY and so you will be treating like one and will not be his skivvy.

[Hissy]

No, there's the opportunity to say no now.

This DP is taking the piss. Royally.

Op, you have not had a decent holiday since you met him, if not now, when? The ds is old enough to stay at home, and as for random mates? No ffing way!