DD's bio dad contacting her on FB

[whattaday]

Hi. First post, so please be gentle.

My DD is 12. She's had nothing to do with her bio dad her whole life. Don't want to drip feed - I met her bio dad when I was 18. He was older. Was married - didn't tell me this - I found out when his wife phoned me. I ended things immediately, then found out I was pregnant. I did tell him, he told me that he had no intention of being involved, would deny paternity, if I wanted support I could get a DNA test and if I still demanded money, he and his wife would move back to the country they came from to avoid it (they are both from another European country originally), and if I tried to contact him directly again he'd call the police and accuse me of harassment. Basically, he was a total prick.

No contact after that for several years. When DD was tiny, I met my now DH, who was amazing and totally took on 'dad' role. When she was seven, he legally adopted her (again - we tried to make contact with bio dad, no response for ages, what response we did get was aggresive, denied paternity again) and since then there's been no contact. As far as DD is concerned, DH is her dad. She knows she has another bio dad, and I've tried to be honest (within age appropriate boundaries) and has expressed curiosity sometimes, but it's never been a huge thing.

Anyway, DD is on facebook. Very limited profile, I have full access, and screen any friends requests etc. She's almost 13, so I thought it was OK. Last week I was checking it with her when a new friend request came up. Checked it. Recognised it instantly as her bio dad. DD didn't recognise the name and commented that it looked like some old guy. I just deleted the request and blocked him.

I am now second guessing myself and trying to work out what I should have done. Should I have told DD that was her bio dad? Should I contact him and try and find out if he wants contact? Selfishly, I don't want him to have contact with her at all. He was a cheating prick when I knew him, he's shown no interest for twelve years and I don't think he deserves time in DD's life. But I think she does have a right to know about him and maybe has a right to a relationship with her bio dad. Legally, he has no rights as far as I know, since she's been adopted. Checking his FB profile, it looks like he's still married, and has a couple of kids with his DW.

Should I contact him? What if he does want contact?

Her dad wants bio dad to drop into a gigantic hole in the ground. More rationally, he doesn't think any good at all will come from DD having any contact with her bio dad too, and he thinks we should just shut it all down now. We've had a lot of really long talks about it the last few days.

I argued that DD has a right to be able to access her bio dad at some point and we shouldn't block that totally. He has agreed that I message ex and see what he says. He is incredibly opposed to any direct contact at all - the thing about a letterbox contact is we could read them first, and he wasn't so opposed to that. I think he is much more of the 'block and forget' camp overall, but is aware he's having a gut emotional response too.

Maybe we are both doubting ourselves too much and should trust our instincts.

I think you are going about it the right way. If I were your dd in a few years time and you explained that you were unsure of his motives, so blocked him on Facebook, but made enquiries to find out what he wanted, I would be understanding. If you told me you blocked all contact, I think, rightly or wrongly, I would feel resentful.

No he has no rights, but your daughter may want to find out about him in her own time and I don't think you should be obstructive. If he comes back with a reply, I would possibly tell dd what had happened, and as a pp has said tell her there is no rush and that when she is ready, she can look into it if she wants to, but it's OK if she doesn't want to as well. Remind her that dad is her real dad, this man is just her biological dad, and this doesn't change anything at all.

were you a young 18 when this older married man lied to and impregnated you and then threatened and dumped you? As your dd is getting close to the teenage years perhaps this is why he has made contact . You do not need to be 'fair' to anyone except your family. This man is a predator . Time to tell your dd the truth and protect her from this 'man'.

amarmai are you suggesting his intentions are incestuous?

Up until now, literally everything this man has done has been about his own needs/wont.

Not once has he ever given a thought to anyone except himself. He has been abusive, aggressive, threatening and cruel for the sake of it. Not once has he ever behaved honourably or with respect.

Why would anything have changed? Why would this scabby old leopard have changed his mankey old spots?

Id say instinct is extremely relevant here, if the gut feeling you both have is that there's malice or ulterior motives afoot, then you are probably right.

You could easily be forgiven if (against all probability) you were wrong.

Delete her profile, set it up again in a new name, unsearchable with its own email address only used for that purpose. Don't add a phone to it, and make sure the profile and cover pic are not of her.

Then do not have another thing to do with this man. He had his chance. At every single stage he's blown it. If he had good intentions he would have contacted you first.

Benefit is for the child. That man is no good to humankind.

I struggle to believe he's potentially grooming her, but given the facts of how young you were, it's not altogether too fantastic a leap of thought. It's too big a risk to take.

Hmmm. I've been your daughter. My bio dad wasn't interested until I was 14, he was very immature and a teenager when my mother discovered she was pregnant with me. My parents loathed one another but he did at least have the decency to send her a letter asking if he could have contact with me. I'll be honest, it took years to get to a place where he and I have a really good relationship and I found it very difficult as he let me down quite a few times, but there were lots of other family difficulties that also got in the way. I discovered years later that he had tried the year before to contact me and my mother thought it was 'for the best' to delay contact - I was very angry about that later, but my mother and I have a very, very difficult relationship anyway.

In your shoes I wouldn't prevent contact because it could come back to bite you in the years to come (even though he sounds like an utter fuckwit). I would, however, insist on all communication going through you until you feel that your daughter is comfortable and emotionally mature enough to deal with him and that he is not just in this for the initial emotional thrill - only to drop her like a stone later when he gets bored. My guess is there's trouble in the relationship with his wife. My dad contacted me when his first marriage broke up.

He messaged back today. Apparently he and his wife have separated. He "always wanted to see" DD but his wife wouldn't let him, and said she'd leave and he'd never see his kids again or some similar bullshit. Basically, she was the wicked witch of the west.

He asked for photos. I said "no" (I don't want him to be able to ID her). I said he could write a letter, he said he would and asked if I'd like to meet up and he'd missed me. Considering we were vaguely dating for three months, thirteen years ago, I don't think he exactly knew me well enough to miss.

I am currently 90% convinced this is a rebound from his wife thing and will absolutely mess up DD if she gets invested and he fucks off when he finds someone new. I am also furious at him trying to sleaze over me. Have now blocked him on FB. Gave him an email I've just set up and told him to send his address there and will use that to contact him if we can work out how to do a letterbox type thing. That way DH and I can screen letters, and decide if he writes (I now suspect he won't) whether DD should see them, or if we should hold them back until she's older. We also want to contact some professionals in adoption to talk about a letterbox and get some advice.

Right now my worry is he is bad news. I don't want him bouncing into our lives on the rebound.

I don't think he has any incestuous intent, but with hindsight, he was pretty abusive with me. I was 18 (just), but very emotionally vulnerable following my parents v messy divorce and my father basically vanishing. He was over 30. If he weren't DD's bio dad I would never let a man like him near her.

He won't have in person or direct contact until she is 18. DD is lovely but she is not a sophisticated 12, if you know what I mean. She is quiet and shy (though with friends and hobbies) and I think this would be too much.

I looked at the adoption board, but it doesn't have many with step parent adoption and I wasn't sure that it would work there - most people seem to have had a different experience, and I felt a bit ignorant reading it.

But that might be an idea now, esp if we want to move to a more formal way of dealing.

Also check I her message request inbox as like others have said with you messaging him on FB, it's likely to go in there for him to find rather than an obvious notification in the regular in box. He could have sent her a message with his request so it's worth checking in case she stumbles on to it one day.

What a day - if you want, you can ask MN to move the whole thread to adoption .

The more I hear about this man the less I like him .

So it's his wife's fault that he's ignored his biological child for 13 years .

And it was probably his wife's fault when he seduced and inpregnated a 17/ 18 year old and forgot to mention tha he was married .

So now he's going through his little black book and looking up old GF that he " misses" . Classy .

Problem is , if you found this man charming and plausible when you were 17, how can your daughter be expected to see through his lies when she's only 12 ?

( not blaming you at all BTW, I was gullible at 27 let alone 17)

I agree, it does sound like rebound. Especially the comments about missing you and wanting to meet up. That's just gross.

Reiterating again to see a solicitor. I'm afraid he's going to push this issue and possibly try to find a way to contact DD directly until he finds something (or someone) else to occupy his time. Especially if he's built up some fantasy of 'you and him rekindling' and sees her as a way to get to you.

I'm sure he has no legal right to see her. But that won't stop him from doing it anyway if he's determined to do so. Best to find out if there is a legal way to stop him before he does! You need to take back control of this situation.

Yeesh, what a creep - glad you have clarification on what he's up to.

Hope a lawyer can help remind him what his legal position is and how he can't just swan in now he feels like it.

And when your daughter's older (or whenever it's appropriate) you can honestly say you weren't just knee-jerk refusing to let him have contact, but you were protecting her from a shit rebound situation at a delicate time.

What a load of bullshit. He's now blaming his wife? What crap!

He was man enough to have an affair, impregnate a teenager and threaten her with consequences if she dared contact him.

Then he refuses to engage over the adoption.

He had consistently said the same thing in every communication he has made over 12 years. Not once did he say anything about his wife not allowing him contact. A spineless cock like him always blames others for every shitty thing they do. Not once has it occurred to him use that line.

What if they get back together? Dd gets dumped again and he threats resumed.

I'd send him a message that you have his contact details. Should dd ever insist as an adult to contact him, you'll inform her accordingly of everything she needs to know.

In the meantime I'd remind him that he has done nothing for her, or for you other than make threats, and that when an adoption Goes through with no response or anything that he no longer has any right to any contact with this little girl. She is no longer his dd.

Delete, block and ignore.

No good will ever come of him.

If he weren't DD's bio dad I would never let a man like him near her.

He is no longer her dad. Trust your instincts.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. He has no rights, no PR, nothing. He's not wanted anything to do with her and denied very hard being the parent. He's a twat, he's bored and has sent you a speculative message. He can jack off. As in any other adoption, your DD can contact him when she's 18. He will not enhance her life. Abusive people rarely change.