DD's bio dad contacting her on FB

[whattaday]

Hi. First post, so please be gentle.

My DD is 12. She's had nothing to do with her bio dad her whole life. Don't want to drip feed - I met her bio dad when I was 18. He was older. Was married - didn't tell me this - I found out when his wife phoned me. I ended things immediately, then found out I was pregnant. I did tell him, he told me that he had no intention of being involved, would deny paternity, if I wanted support I could get a DNA test and if I still demanded money, he and his wife would move back to the country they came from to avoid it (they are both from another European country originally), and if I tried to contact him directly again he'd call the police and accuse me of harassment. Basically, he was a total prick.

No contact after that for several years. When DD was tiny, I met my now DH, who was amazing and totally took on 'dad' role. When she was seven, he legally adopted her (again - we tried to make contact with bio dad, no response for ages, what response we did get was aggresive, denied paternity again) and since then there's been no contact. As far as DD is concerned, DH is her dad. She knows she has another bio dad, and I've tried to be honest (within age appropriate boundaries) and has expressed curiosity sometimes, but it's never been a huge thing.

Anyway, DD is on facebook. Very limited profile, I have full access, and screen any friends requests etc. She's almost 13, so I thought it was OK. Last week I was checking it with her when a new friend request came up. Checked it. Recognised it instantly as her bio dad. DD didn't recognise the name and commented that it looked like some old guy. I just deleted the request and blocked him.

I am now second guessing myself and trying to work out what I should have done. Should I have told DD that was her bio dad? Should I contact him and try and find out if he wants contact? Selfishly, I don't want him to have contact with her at all. He was a cheating prick when I knew him, he's shown no interest for twelve years and I don't think he deserves time in DD's life. But I think she does have a right to know about him and maybe has a right to a relationship with her bio dad. Legally, he has no rights as far as I know, since she's been adopted. Checking his FB profile, it looks like he's still married, and has a couple of kids with his DW.

Should I contact him? What if he does want contact?

I can tell you from previous experience this sort of thing can cause huge rifts in the future if your DD gets the idea in her head that you're deliberately blocking contact with her bio Dad.

And I can tell you from previous experience that this sort of thing can cause immense damage to your child if you just give in and let asshole bio dad full access to your dd at a time of his choosing.

the girl herself has expressed no interest in contacting her bio-father. none. Why then would you impose this on her at age 12 just because biodad got a notion to look on facebook?

why should this girl's contact (if any-she may never want to contact him left to herself) be dictated by a man who rejected her completely for her entire life.

An adopted child may want to contact her bio family at some point. Many don't. But if she does, it should be on her terms, in her space, and in her time. not when this asshole decides to give out a facebook call.

Anyone can search for anyone on Facebook. The option to be hidden from search was removed a long time ago. However, you can change settings so only 'friends of friends' can add you as a friend. You can also hide your friend list so no one can see who you're friends with.

An adopted child may want to contact her bio family at some point. Many don't. But if she does, it should be on her terms, in her space, and in her time. not when this asshole decides to give out a facebook call

This

I'm astounded by the posters who have prioritised this mans wishes over those of this girl and her mother . " oh you must find out what he wants, it might be important , he has a moral right " he's a man you must defer to him sperm donation is so much more important than the non bio father she already has

He has NO rights, morally and legally .

Well I'm not prioritising him or saying to put them in touch. I'm saying to check what's going on for the sake of the DD who might care in the future. How do you not get the difference? I'm genuinely baffled!

Like it or not, feelings aren't rational. All it would need would be a manipulative message a few years from now saying he'd tried to get in touch but mum hasn't let him or something, and there could be a massive shitstorm. And the mum would get the brunt because she's the stable safe bet, unlike the abandoning biological father. It just seems wise to me to get in touch and figure out what he's up to?

I would suggest having a calm and frank discussion.
First your DD should automatically block requests from people his age unless they are someone she knows well and you approve.
Second, I would tell her who it was. But make it clear that any contact his her choice, when she wants to. That she doesn't need to rush into it. It would be better when she is much older, as he is "not a nice man", and may well let her down/disappoint her as he did both you and his wife.
I'd probably also make it clear that I thought this way of trying to contact her (rather than via you or the post) is a bit creepy.
And check the security settings. You can see how others see you (so what a stranger would see, a friend would see etc.).

Like it or not, feelings aren't rational. All it would need would be a manipulative message a few years from now saying he'd tried to get in touch but mum hasn't let him or something, and there could be a massive shitstorm. And the mum would get the brunt because she's the stable safe bet, unlike the abandoning biological father. It just seems wise to me to get in touch and figure out what he's up to?

THIS^^

25 years on and I still feel some anger towards my Mum because she blocked any contact from my bio Dad when he tried to send some letters to me when I was 13. Despite at the time thinking I didn't really care about him/who he was (he was long dead by the time I plucked up the courage to search for him).

Soon enough one way or another your DD will have control over her own fb settings and he or his friends/family will be able to contact her without your supervision anyways.

I can understand where the other posters are coming from when they say how much damage he could do to your DD. But that's why I'd say to contact him now and ensure that if he did want any contact with your DD it would have to be through you, before he finds a way to bypass you and potentially cause mayhem.

Obviously if there is to be any contact it would have to be 100℅ on you and your DD's terms.

OP - do you know for certain that your DD didn't send a friend request to her bio Dad - could she have initiated this?

I have to disagree, I think contact has to be 100% on the daughter's terms. And be initiated by her.
And Facebook is not the way to go. Both the mother and daughter know very little about him, so if the daughter wants to proceed they should be very cautious. Not giving away information such as address, and certainly not access to a Facebook profile.

Sorry for no replies. Have been unhappy and mulling it over. Talked to DH who is very opposed to letting bio dad anywhere near our family - he thinks DD isn't old enough - but in the end I dropped bio dad a message via FB.

Very anti-climactic - he hasn't responded. I'm wondering now if he wasn't that serious about contact with DD and just wanted to have a nosy or something.

I think I am hoping now he doesn't get in touch. I'm feeling really messed up about this. I really thought the adoption closed the door on him forever and now I'm remembering all the old mess. I keep looking at my beautiful DD and thinking that he doesn't deserve her.

Definitely just hoping he stays away now. Probably doesn't want to deal with me now I'm out of my teens and not as overwhelmed by him.

Oh, and def not DD initiating. She doesn't know his name. Don't think she could have found him.

Shit. Just realized the last was a lie. She knows his first name because she asked. Please god was I not stupid enough to give surname.

Are you "friends" on Facebook? If not, the message might have gone into his "other" inbox and he may not see it for some time.

I hope you get some response, if only to help you feel less worried about it all.

Not "friends". I don't want to be. I don't know if I want him to reply or not. This is so miserable.

As a PP said, if you aren't friends then he may not see the message as it won't go to his inbox.

Is it worth contacting the social worker or department who originally dealt with the adoption? I'm sure this won't be the first time they've seen a sperm donor swanning back in years later, particularly in the social media age. They may have advice, or even a protocol for dealing with this (like them telling him to back off for a few years)?

There was a social worker we dealt with. She wasn't great - we were her first stepparent adoption, she said, and we kinda had some disagreements while she was preparing her reports - but I've got her name.

I am kicking myself about the whole social media thing. I thought we were careful - she never uses it unsupervised, I vet everyone she friends, all her photos are locked down - but I let her use her real name. I just didn't think he'd do this.

I still keep bouncing between wanting him totally blocked and worrying that DD will resent me for that one day. I think if he doesn't respond in a couple of days I might write a letter or see if someone official can write a letter saying that we are open to annual letterbox contact if he wishes to request that but no more (that is an option, I think). You guys are right. I'm mentally treating it like he is DD's dad. He isn't. He is a sperm donor. Legally, and morally, he gave everything else away and she has someone who is 100% dad.

Sorry if you've already said but does his family know about you?

His wife knows. That came out when I got pregnant. I know her sister does.

I don't know if anyone else does. I haven't had any contact with his extended family at all.

Ok, then a letter is a good way, particularly if there's an official form of doing it.

It's hard as blocking him is completely understandable but as you have said it could come back at you. I think going forward it's good to make contact with him and find out what he wants. If it's to start contact then it's up to her and then you to figure out what's suitable

*I wouldn't think twice about blocking him.

When she is 18 you can explain it all to her.

If she thinks you did the wrong thing deal with it then. I know of very few adoptive parents who allow direct contact between their children and birth parents through the teenage years. And for most of those it has been disastrous.*

I agree completely. I think Maryz is an adoptive parent. I am an adopted adult and have exactly the same opinion. If he was a nice man, it might be ok to facilitate a letter a year (even then I think it very risky) but he is not a nice man. the chances of him managing this without completely fucking over your dd are very small. he will write shit about you and her dad, he will forget to write and she will have to deal with the rejection, the possibilities of her being hurt are huge. When she is 18 she can deal with it if she wants. it is quite possible she won't care who or where he is by then.

I would block him, monitor her social media and stop thinking about him.

Also what does her dad think about all of this? His opinion surely counts too.

Bin the old profile and make a new one with better security,