I have no idea what to do.

[Yawninghippo]

I'm lost, and feel so alone. I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant with my 4th. I don't feel like it's right. I have 3 children with my exH and this is my first with my current partner, who after initially being quite shaken at the pregnancy is now excited. But I'm not. I'm scared stupid. I don't think I'll cope, there's a 5 year gap between my last and this one. I don't feel like my partner really understands what's coming. He has very little to do with my other children despite living with them.

My children's father is still very much involved in their day to day lives which has its difficulties and its higher points. He understands me when I'm pregnant and because I'm around him so much and have been through all this before with him, I find myself naturally gravitating towards him. He's a 'doer' so atm while I'm struggling it's him I'm leaning on for help with the children. Which feels wrong because we're not together. But I don't feel I can trust my partner to be there as much as we all need right now. He spends most of his time away from the family, on his own, playing games. He's never had to 'step up' before and I'm worried I can't trust him to cope at the end of all this.

I have no idea where I'm going with all this, and I hate sounding so wishy washy. I feel at the moment as if I'm closing off from this pregnancy and my partner in favour of taking a trip down memory lane ( in my mind only) with my ex. He's the only man I've ever had children with before and I'm finding it very strange to be going down this road with someone else. Does anyone know what I mean?

I must add my partner has been trying very hard to help me in every way possible during this stage when I fully admit I'm up and down and no use to anyone. If I need to talk he's there, but feel I can't discuss my fears with him because ( quite rightly) he would be upset.

Yes it was, and yes I was. For the first 6 months of our relationship. Then my therapist disappeared literally off the face of the earth. I turned up for my next appointment and she wasn't there. We spent 2 years (weekly appointments, then fortnightly of 2 hours) going through every single thing that either of us felt had influenced my life, there was a lot of stuff I'd brushed under the carpet that she made me address. I feel that the past stuff was all dealt with. However, I have been strongly considering finding another counsellor as I know new issues are coming up atm.

Tbh everyone has just confirmed thoughts I had in my head anyway. I'm really not sure I want this baby. I'm so busy with my DC's and I start a new job in 2 weeks. It just seems like my whole life has been a series of mountains and all I want is to rest. I'am so tired.

I can understand you feeling like that. That's why you started the thread op isn't it, you didn't know what to do.

From the outside looking in it doesn't look great and from your perspective it must be overwhelming. You are working with three dc, one with sn, an abusive ex and a waste of space new partner having a fourth child.

I hope you manage to work things out.

Only you can decide what to do about the pregnancy, but from what you've said a new baby is the last thing you need right now. You have so much on your plate already (inc. a new job!), and your DP is not going to magically step up and be the person you need him to be, because he simply doesn't know how. He doesn't have the emotional intelligence or the life experience and it will take him years to rectify that (and that's only if he wants to). Currently he's too immature and selfish and that's not going to change within the timescale you need it to.

The silly thing is this weekend is the first one that he has actually been trying. Been up at 10 ( still not great, but an improvement!) spent all his time downstairs with me and the children, cuddled up watching films on the sofa because myself and DS are ill. He's made dinner, tidied up and generally run around after us. And the whole time I'm sat here thinking it won't last, that it's all too much, that I just need some breathing space. Just feel so sad about where I'am right now.

Just because he mustered it up for one day doesn't mean you need tie yourself to him for decades to come.

I know. Just the first time he's ever done it. Not naive enough to think everything's changed. I just feel numb.

I can see that this might be a difficult conversation to have. Could you write a letter or even a guide book of what you need and expect from him. Being a good partner is about making everyones life better, just because you can.

Explain to him that you cannot have another baby if it isn't going to be treated like all the other kids. And that he is an adult in a family, and as such his behaviour is modelling family life for all the children. Adults do not lie in bed or spend all night gaming if it means that they are not present or competent the following day.

Ask him to do a parenting course and start reading up on how to be around children in a useful way. Get him to take them out to the park and shopping without you. He can only learn by doing, preferably without you there to lean on. My best friends has a DC with downs and we all love doing stuff with her to the best of our abilities albeit clothes shopping or whatever.

So he needs to be getting up every morning in time to help with the kids before he goes to work.
Participating in putting all the kids to bed, bedtime routine, reading stories etc

Even on the weekends - only one lie in, allowing you to have one.
Being present at every meal
Helping preparing every meal
Clearing up after every meal
50% of all household tasks.

No sitting down skiving if there is stuff to be done. Basically put, if you are not sitting down he shouldn't be.

Every time you do a task, think could he do this instead of me sometimes, and lets face it - if it isn't breast feeding he probably could.

To give you an idea, my DP does more with my kids than I do, and certainly does more than 50% of the tough stuff at home, because I have less spare time than he does. He has his own kids too, but spends more time with my kids because of circumstances. He will turn up at our house at 7pm and fix the blocked septic tank, because that is the most pressing thing. But once he's done that he will still tidy away supper etc because this shit just needs doing. No one gets to sit doing their thing until all the other household things have happened.

Good luck.

Have you actually talked to him about how you're feelings and the doubts you have about him as a father and about having a child with him?

We knew each other for 6 years before taking things further, so he's known 2 of children since birth and my eldest since she was one. So he knows them well, just not in a 'having responsibility' way. We've talked regularly and in depth since being together about the situation in relation to the children, they have only known we were together since January. Before that we agreed that we would ease both him and them in slowly. I have told him that I have concerns about the future but could do with stressing this more. And explaining what my expectations are.

With something as huge as a baby, I'd be tempted to use his past / current behaviour as more of a guide than what he says. He may very sincerely mean to change the way he relates to you when the new baby is born, but if he's not at all involved with your existing kids that suggests to me:

• he doesn't really see them as people who need care and engagement from the people around them, more as responsibilities that are somebody else's problem
• he either doesn't have a clue how much work is involved in looking after 3 kids, or he does, but puts his desire for time in bed / gaming above your need for a partner in hard work as well as in fun

He may well be looking forward to having a baby who's a little bit of him, but if he had a realistic idea of what it means to add that person to the family he would already have changed his behaviour when you were ttc (if you were?)

No we weren't actively trying. And I'll be the first to admit that I don't think I ( regardless of him actually) can cope with another child. It'll be a CS birth, with extra potential bladder complications for both myself and the baby. So extra scans/appointments, juggling new job, 3 DC, one who is home educated. I'm just not ready.

How do you work and home educate? Not challenging you just wondering how on earth you do everything. I have home educated dc due to special needs and can't get out of the house to work.

My mother helps. I only work part time, new job is 12 hours a week, 4 hour shifts and some of that on weekends when my mum can babysit and no work being done. Any work I do during the week is when she has an activity such as swimming, forest school etc or she also has time with my mum doing reading/writing. She also comes up to London with me once a month for two nights as her brother needs treatment at GOSH, so we do museums etc to encourage her interests during the times we're not there.

I have decided to talk to him tonight and explain that I'm having serious doubts.