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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have no idea what to do.

65 replies

Yawninghippo · 30/04/2016 04:05

I'm lost, and feel so alone. I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant with my 4th. I don't feel like it's right. I have 3 children with my exH and this is my first with my current partner, who after initially being quite shaken at the pregnancy is now excited. But I'm not. I'm scared stupid. I don't think I'll cope, there's a 5 year gap between my last and this one. I don't feel like my partner really understands what's coming. He has very little to do with my other children despite living with them.

My children's father is still very much involved in their day to day lives which has its difficulties and its higher points. He understands me when I'm pregnant and because I'm around him so much and have been through all this before with him, I find myself naturally gravitating towards him. He's a 'doer' so atm while I'm struggling it's him I'm leaning on for help with the children. Which feels wrong because we're not together. But I don't feel I can trust my partner to be there as much as we all need right now. He spends most of his time away from the family, on his own, playing games. He's never had to 'step up' before and I'm worried I can't trust him to cope at the end of all this.

I have no idea where I'm going with all this, and I hate sounding so wishy washy. I feel at the moment as if I'm closing off from this pregnancy and my partner in favour of taking a trip down memory lane ( in my mind only) with my ex. He's the only man I've ever had children with before and I'm finding it very strange to be going down this road with someone else. Does anyone know what I mean?

I must add my partner has been trying very hard to help me in every way possible during this stage when I fully admit I'm up and down and no use to anyone. If I need to talk he's there, but feel I can't discuss my fears with him because ( quite rightly) he would be upset.

OP posts:

LeaLeander · 30/04/2016 11:35

Yes, is this really fair to the three existing children? They already have parents split up, if you have a fourth baby by a clueless disengaged man I can 100 percent guarantee the quality of their life will be diminished. Do you have enough time as it is to help them with schoolwork, help them learn & grow, see to their emotional well-being? To do fun things and help them explore the world? Enough $$ to do enrichment activities for three? Savings and insurance sufficient to protect them & provide security if you should die prematurely?

If you have all of the above covered to a high degree and still have energy and money left over for a fourth child, well, you would certainly be the exception to the rule. Keep in mind too you have been lucky to have three healthy kids. Would your energy and your current partner hold up if another child were born ill or disabled?
Could you cope alone with all four?

Original poster

Yawninghippo · 30/04/2016 12:10

Not all my children were born healthy. My son has Down syndrome and a severe bladder condition. No parent is perfect but they all get every second of my time, energy and resources. All three are thriving despite the upheavals in their lives.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 12:12

I am sure you are a great mother. I expect you have had to be even more so because the fathers of your kids have been shit

That is not what is being questioned here, love

Lweji · 30/04/2016 12:18

Yes, it's not you who's being judged.

Original poster

Yawninghippo · 30/04/2016 12:26

I know he needs to change, I know I need to stop letting things go on the way they are. I know I have decisions to make. Thank you all for your honesty.

OP posts:

TheSilveryPussycat · 30/04/2016 15:27

Don't you ever all go out - you, DP and DC? As a family, like?

Original poster

Yawninghippo · 30/04/2016 17:43

No, never. Normally weekends they'll go out with their dad and/or we'll go out with my mum and he stays behind.

OP posts:

TheSilveryPussycat · 30/04/2016 19:14

My thinking is that you all need some shared family time to generate those moments of hilarity/embarassment/disasters overcome/whatever, to be shared by you, the DC and your DP.

Blackheart2016 · 30/04/2016 19:18

Does he actually want to be with you and four children? Because he is not acting like he does.

Original poster

Yawninghippo · 30/04/2016 19:37

I believe he does, and it's a question we have both discussed at length. I honestly believe it's not so much that he doesn't want to, it's more he doesn't know how, combine that with a natural laziness and I'll admit that's been a recipe for disaster. He has been almost completely useless at practical help but has always gone above and beyond in allowing me to vent any frustrations and supporting me with hard decisions concerning the children. He is a great comfort to me when I'm feeling stressed or depressed because he never makes me feel like the loser I feel I'am and spends time building me back up again. I think I just got so used to not having anyone after I split with my ex that it was 2nd nature to get on and do it myself and so the imbalance was never very obvious to me especially as we weren't allowing him into the children's lives on a big scale until we felt certain. This took a year. Since then he has tried to engage more with them but will fully admit he struggles.

OP posts:

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 30/04/2016 20:06

He doesn't know how?
He can't think on his own that it might be nice to get up before lunchtime and have breakfast with you? That he, as their so called step dad might be welcome on days out? That staying up half the night gaming isn't what adult people with children do?
Come on, unless he's an 18 year old who has never left home before he knows this stuff. He really does. He just chooses not to do it. Because he doesn't want to - it's hard - it doesn't please him - you're not that important.

nudeynuderson · 30/04/2016 20:56

Op I think people are being a bit harsh. I realise there is every possibility that your dp could turn out to be a total deadbeat and not step up to the plate. But there is also the possibility that he will do a huge turnaround and be an amazing dad. He maybe doesn't feel like it's his place to interact with your children. Does he have a job? My partner was a bit like this and he was in a rut. He was unemployed, had put on a bit of weight and his self esteem was in the gutter. He'd stay up gaming till about 4 am and not get up until 2. He got a job which helped immensely and started going to the gym and we had our ds 7 months ago and he is a fantastic father. He still plays games for about an hour every night but he works full time and provides both financially and emotionally for us all and adores his son. Perhaps his confidence is low and he doesn't feel confident with your kids. He may need gentle but firm evolvement. I know I have to persuade my dp to come out sometimes but he has a great time when he's there.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 21:25

Christ, if I had to use "gentle persuasion" to get my husband to step up to his responsibilities I would decide I couldn't be arsed to parent another child and cut him loose

Original poster

Yawninghippo · 30/04/2016 21:44

But see, this is where we get into murky territory. With myself and my ex ( the father of all three) both very actively involved in their care in all aspects, are they really to be considered my partner's 'responsibility'? I personally would not want him to engage more because there is pressure that he has to, I want him to want to. That may need gentle but firm encouragement as he has no idea how to relate to children. He had no younger siblings, cousins or friends growing up, lived a very solitary adult only existence, and has had no experience of children except mine in his whole life.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 21:47

You are making excuses for him

He is a grown man

He knows that lazing about and gaming is not fair on anyone but himself

Even my pissy 16yo knows that.

Original poster

Yawninghippo · 30/04/2016 21:55

I genuinely don't feel I do excuse his behaviour, I don't like it and make no secret of it to anyone. I'am well aware that it is not the norm, and shouldn't be considered acceptable. But despite his difficulties ( yes and laziness) in overcoming this behaviour he still a good partner for me. My concern is for myself and my children because they deserve me at the best I can give them. I'm not perfect either, just feeling quite hopeless atm. However all comments have given me much to think about and I'm grateful for all thoughts and advice

OP posts:

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 30/04/2016 21:58

He's not a good partner for you
He might stroke your ego and make you feel nice but his behaviour makes him the opposite of a good partner.
And you've made excuses over and over on this thread.

HandyWoman · 30/04/2016 23:09

It's not about him being 'responsible' for your three, it's about him not engaging with your dc. It's a poor example to your dc of how a household functions. It seems very 'compartmentalised'. To me, if any man were to move in with me permanently, I would expect them to engage in the lives of my dc at this young age. That's not the same as being 'responsible for' them, but surely it's the least your children can expect from an adult role model?

So what, then, if he morphs suddenly into this 'great dad' to his baby....what will it be like for the other three children, if he is brilliantly engaged/hands-on with his own child, but continues to not take part in the lives of his child's half-siblings?

The time for him to start stepping up is right now. So all the dc will be on an equal footing.

Blackheart2016 · 30/04/2016 23:14

Your ex may be involved in the care of your children but your current partner actually lives with them. He needs to engage and muck in if he is part of your family now.

Lweji · 30/04/2016 23:16

How, exactly, is he a good partner to you?

If he's only a partner when you don't have the children around? And leave you on your own to deal with them?

Aussiemum78 · 30/04/2016 23:25

Sometimes women end up with abuse, after leaving an abusive relationship because the next guy feels different.

With your ex, he was emotionally distant and cold but good practically. So you've ended up with the guy who is affectionate and loving, but contributes little practically and expects you to do all the work. And is a neglectful immature parent.

I went from affectionate loving but irresponsible/jealous to a guy who was responsible and never jealous but lacked affection and actually withheld it to hurt me.

Both abusers but the 2nd one felt different so I didn't see the red flags clearly.

This is why I'm single now and not ready for a new relationship

HandyWoman · 01/05/2016 08:02

Well said Aussiemum

There are lots of ways for a relationship to be wrong. The solution is to work on your relationship with yourself - the most important relationship of all. Raise your sel-esteem and your expectations will follow. Perhaps the Freedom Programme would be useful, OP.

juneau · 01/05/2016 16:03

I agree - your current DP is crap too - just in different ways than your ex.

OP you sound like you need counselling to deal with the issues your ex left you with and only when you feel like you've really absorbed those lessons and learned from them should you move on. Instead, you've leapt from the frying pan into the fire.

This relationship is not going to give you and your DC the happy ending you're hoping for. And now you're throwing a new baby into the mix as well.

Original poster

Yawninghippo · 01/05/2016 20:14

I had counselling for two years after our breakup. I was a lot worse before.

OP posts:

HandyWoman · 01/05/2016 20:30

I'm asking this very very gently, and with great kindness, OP. I really am:

Was the counselling you had proper analytical psychotherapy - did it delve into, and analyse family-of-origin relationship dynamics/lessons? And were you having counselling when you met DP? If not it's possible you could still use some good therapy. And it's still possible to repeat patterns unless therapy works to actively unravel the repeating.....

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