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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

72 hours to decide!

47 replies

needhelpandadvice · 29/04/2016 17:11

Looking for some thoughts, H left in Oct last year, we had been having problems, I believed he was EA, looking back and thinking things over I can see we just broke.

We stopped communicating, stopped spending even a tiny bit of time together, I can see how it all went wrong.

He possible does have EA tendencies', but im also a moody cow and over sensitive at times.

Anyway spoke last night about divorce, he has been leading the single life and I have met someone, the guy I met is lovely but so far I think he probably feels for me more that I do for him.

Someone close died unexpectantly, it got me thinking should we be trying to work things out if its something we both want?

My parents really don't want me to get back and our DC believe life is better without him. But I miss him and us.

He wants an answer about starting for divorce early next week.

What do you reckon?

OP posts:

magoria · 29/04/2016 17:17

Well you don't have to make any decision by next week.

It is better to take longer and get it right than to force an answer which could be wrong and cause further upset down the road.

You can start a divorce at any time.

Or stop one before it is too late.

Being forced into a decision is not a good option.

I suggest you let the new man go gently as you are clearly not in the right place for him if you are missing your ex and considering getting back with him. No matter what else happens.

dillydotty · 29/04/2016 17:21

If he loved you he would wait until you are sure what you want. What is the rush?

Original poster

needhelpandadvice · 29/04/2016 17:22

Magoria : Thanks, your right, I feel like I have to do something before its too late.

I feel terrible for new man, he is so good to me, but I think a huge part of me holds myself back from fully committing to him.

A friend has said because the type of relationship I had with H, I don't realise a nice man and nice relationship is normal? Compared to what was my marriage.

I think I depended on H so much I cant fully imagine life without him.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 29/04/2016 17:24

It's very significant your children don't want you to get back with their father. That should tell you everything.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/04/2016 17:25

Why don't your parents want you to get back with him and why do your dc believe that life is better without him?

Original poster

needhelpandadvice · 29/04/2016 17:26

I know and I keep thinking that is because we struggled near the end to even try to make it work.

I checked out, I couldn't take the mood swings and of I believed I was partly to blame for those mood swings.

Its actually good I started this thread as it is bringing memories back that I have been blocking out perhaps.

OP posts:

Twitterqueen · 29/04/2016 17:26

Why do you only have 72 hours to decide? This is an arbitrary deadline that he is imposing on you, and you're going along with it. Why? You don't have to decide until you're ready to do so.

Also, if both your parents and your DC feel that life is better without him, TAKE HEED.

IMHO you're being overly sentimental, prompted by the death of your friend.

Twitterqueen · 29/04/2016 17:27

Oh dear.... you feel are partly to blame for HIS mood swings?
Do you have a good, close friend you can call to come and slap you round the face with a wet fish?

Original poster

needhelpandadvice · 29/04/2016 17:28

goddessofsmallthings : They believe I have been happier without him, possibly I have been, but still hurts.

DC had to experience mood swings and silences with us, which im sure happens throughout but his seemed to be quite a lot. He was/is a weed smoker and the moods could sometimes be bad.

OP posts:

dillydotty · 29/04/2016 17:34

I like the fairground analogy. Sometimes the roller coaster is very appealing but it makes you sick after a while. A nice gentle merry go round may seem boring after the roller coaster without the massive highs and lows but it is much more enjoyable long term.

MrsEvadneCake · 29/04/2016 17:37

Silences and mood swings don't happen through out a relationship. If the DC were made to live with this then you are not going to be doing what's right for you all by getting involved again. I think you've made the break and they are clearly happier for it. Him setting a deadline suggests control and pushing a choice so you feel you have something to lose.

nicenewdusters · 29/04/2016 17:38

You say he possibly has EA tendancies. I would think that setting an arbitrary deadline on something as important as this is extremely controlling.

Most parents are reluctant to comment upon their children's relationship. The fact they have told you what they think is very significant. They have taken quite a risk in doing so, so like other posters have said, I would also think long and hard about what they've said.

As to your own children being glad you're apart. This for me would be the biggest indicator that I had made the right decision for them and myself.

I would be wary of confusing missing family life and living with your children's father, with missing your relationship with your husband. I miss the former but I do not miss the latter, and it would never be a good enough reason to go back.

TheBakeryQueen · 29/04/2016 18:44

I don't think going back to your ex is a good idea judging from the snippets of information you have given.
I'd go ahead with the divorce and put your children's happiness first.

CommonBurdock · 29/04/2016 19:13

You're doing the classic thing of wanting the relationship that never was. What could have been. Apparently your brain does this to help cope with upsets, it focuses on the good times.

I know how you feel. But you split for a reason.

Look at what IS, not what never was.

Original poster

needhelpandadvice · 30/04/2016 09:38

So I called him up this morning to discuss a few things, he ended up hanging up in me, it's like he actually hates me!

I'm not sure trying to save 14 yrs together is worth it! I know he would come back (I think) but i think he sees it that it will be his terms, it's like he has been hard done by!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 09:41

You would be crazy to go back to that

MrsEvadneCake · 30/04/2016 09:43

It's not worth it. Don't go back. Finish cutting the ties with the divorce.

whatsagoodusername · 30/04/2016 09:51

Don't go back to that.

magoria · 30/04/2016 10:16

If it is this bad that he is hanging up on you when you are thinking about getting back together just how shit is it when you are together!

WellErrr · 30/04/2016 10:21

our DC believe life is better without him.

There's your answer.

No more to be said really.

GingerIvy · 30/04/2016 10:26

Reread your posts. Is THAT what you want for your life? For your children's lives?

You've gotten out, don't let yourself slide back because it's familiar.

DoreenLethal · 30/04/2016 10:32

He wants an answer about starting for divorce early next week.

i guess this is just part of that emotional abuse you mentioned.

Finola1step · 30/04/2016 10:35

Run. Keep on running.

Your own dc have said all you need to hear.

Maybe you miss what you thought you could have together rather than the reality.

Joysmum · 30/04/2016 10:44

Why would you choose to continue with him?

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 30/04/2016 10:48

Come on lovely, think clearly. He hasn't changed has he? Has he even stopped smoking weed?

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