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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

72 hours to decide!

47 replies

needhelpandadvice · 29/04/2016 17:11

Looking for some thoughts, H left in Oct last year, we had been having problems, I believed he was EA, looking back and thinking things over I can see we just broke.

We stopped communicating, stopped spending even a tiny bit of time together, I can see how it all went wrong.

He possible does have EA tendencies', but im also a moody cow and over sensitive at times.

Anyway spoke last night about divorce, he has been leading the single life and I have met someone, the guy I met is lovely but so far I think he probably feels for me more that I do for him.

Someone close died unexpectantly, it got me thinking should we be trying to work things out if its something we both want?

My parents really don't want me to get back and our DC believe life is better without him. But I miss him and us.

He wants an answer about starting for divorce early next week.

What do you reckon?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 30/04/2016 10:49

Do not go back, listen to your DC!!!

Why would you want to be with someone who has awful mood swings due to weed smoking and still hasn't given up and has you convinced that these mood swings are your fault

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 30/04/2016 10:51

presumably he wants you to be the bad guy... she started divorce proceedings...can you believe it? and then he can complete the fairy story of the marriage ending with him being hard done by as you move on and fail to fall into his arms stunned by his Prince Charming act.

I'd play it very cool...tell him to make his own decisions and don't let him take up space in your head with his demands and deadlines.

afussyphase · 30/04/2016 10:53

Silences and mood swings are not part of most relationships. Everyone has better and worse moods but it's not normal to use silence and mood to control others. Don't go back!

MorrisZapp · 30/04/2016 10:55

This is your golden opportunity to get away cleanly. Let him start divorce proceedings if he likes, he probably won't though will he. He's a loser.

Yipeekayee72 · 30/04/2016 10:55

You should listen to your kids.

I think your friend is right too. You don't see a good relationship because you haven't had one!

Hissy · 30/04/2016 10:59

You don't answer to him, or anyone else lovey.

Make the decision you want, when you want. If he's so keen for a divorce, he can instigate it. Or you can wait for 2 years and apply then.

You don't have to do a thing. If the kids don't want to see him, you don't even need to talk to him about that. Restrict communications to email/text. Don't gift him the opportunity of slamming phones down or snarling at you.

You miss what you know, but the fact is that nobody else in the equation does, not even his own children. That's rare. He must have been bloody awful.

Take your time and be kind to yourself. I'd urge you to do the freedom programme and get some additional therapy for a while, abuse doesn't heal, it just gets buried and then comes out when you least want/expect it.

Hissy · 30/04/2016 11:03

By giving him no answer, you're taking back control. He won't like it, but so fucking what. The King is dead. There's a new queen in town.

If he was so convened about everything, he'd give up the weed and change his life to save his family. He's not. He hasn't and he won't. He broke this, and to be honest, you're damned lucky he left, because you'd never get him to leave if it was something you wanted.

Hissy · 30/04/2016 11:05

Concerned*

ravenmum · 30/04/2016 11:33

We only "save" things that are worth saving, don't we? If I broke a plate, however sad I was to break it, I would only try sticking it together again if it was amazingly pretty or valuable. Was your relationship so incredible that you want to keep even a cracked, glued together version? Tell us what made it so amazing.

Maybe your new partner is not the next love of your life, and maybe you should move on and give him a chance to find someone more interested, but your ex is not the only alternative!

hellsbellsmelons · 30/04/2016 11:38

He's really done a number on you.
Don NOT go back to being abused.
Do not let your DC continue to be abused.

You would really benefit from doing the Freedom Programme.
Please contact Womens Aid and look into it.

Also the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that - might be an eye opener for you.

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/04/2016 12:45

Your kids come first and they have told you what they want, they don't want an abusive drug taker in their home, the other guy maybe nice but maybe also it's all too soon and you feel you have to give him what he wants too.

U till your X gave you a deadline I'll assume you were happily nibbling along with stuff, this deadline has panicked you and opened an emotional can of worms.

Get some help dealing with the aftermath and let him be divorced, what he wants doesn't matter you have been mounded into some extra your not by him, he doesn't like the new you.

Hissy · 30/04/2016 13:53

He's trying to force you back under his control, he's not happy that you haven't crumbled without him. He may even notice that you and the kids are actually better without him

His loss.

Take each day as it comes and focus on your own safety, happiness and family contentment

FreeProteinFromTheSky · 30/04/2016 14:40

I am with PPs on this. You have to listen to the kids and put their wishes and needs before your own. The him you hanker for has long gone and no longer exists.

Been there, done that. It hurts like a bugger but it passes and you look back and wonder WTF were you thinking.

haveacupoftea · 30/04/2016 22:51

You shouldn't even be considering putting your shit marriage before your children's happiness.

pointythings · 30/04/2016 22:57

Look at the list:

Silences
Mood swings
Smoking weed
Your DCs don't want him back.

Why do you even have any doubts?

Casmama · 30/04/2016 23:03

It was probably quite difficult for your children to admit they don't want their dad back - most children would give anything to have their parents back together so it must have been pretty bad for them.
Please don't throw it back in their faces for the sake of nostalgia and imagining you can have something which doesn't sound like it exists.

Original poster

needhelpandadvice · 01/05/2016 15:43

Thanks everyone, I think a few things have happened and I have rose tinted glasses on.

I remember how he was 10 yrs ago. Is it normal that a section of my brain has blocked a lot out and that perhaps some of the problems were actually down to me.

I know I cant go back as DD has said she doesn't want him living here again, she is quite happy to go see him and come home.

I was going to suggest counselling to see if that would help but I think I am living in fantasy.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/05/2016 16:07

It sounds like he has you doing all the hard work for him, he's planted that seed in your brain and now your seeing possibilities of getting back together, I'de go as far to say your trying different options on for size to get the kids on side or make it easier for them to accept it.

Anyone who has suffered extensive trauma and stress in their lives. Can sometimes unconsciously block the memories and feeling out, this is something the brain will do to protect the mind so as it can function normally and move forward.

When the unconscious feels the person has the means to deal with the past, it will start dropping hints and memories, this is when counselling can be important.

It's normal and part of a survival instinct, you won't know it's happening or have any choice it happens on a very deep level, it's called disassociation.

GingerIvy · 02/05/2016 10:03

Write down all the reasons you cannot get back with him. Start the list with the children's concerns. Every time you feel a wobble, reread it to remind yourself.

It IS easy to look back with those rose coloured glasses, but it's important to remember the cold hard facts as well.

KittyKrap · 02/05/2016 10:19

My XH was EA, I left him and got, 'I'm so cold, mean, too fat, too thin, lazy, no one will ever want me with 3 DCs, blah blah blah.'

EA is about control. He's demanding you have 72 hours, why? What happens if you leave it for 73 hours? He put the phone down on you because you didn't do his bidding - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. In his head you are not behaving as he expects/demands.

Don't ever go back. Your DCs will leave home asap if you do.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/05/2016 08:42

Counselling for you - absolutely.
Joint counselling - no way.
It's not recommended in an abusive relationship and you should avoid it at all costs.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/05/2016 09:30

I'm not sure trying to save 14 yrs together is worth it!

This line is actually nonsense. Those 14 years have already been lived. Not invested - used. They weren't wasted as such, as you have life experience and children and some good memories to show for them, but they are gone. You can't get them back and you can't change them. The question now is what you want for the next 14 years. I think they could be a lot better, don't you?

And yes, I dare say you weren't perfect yourself. Human beings aren't. But like most of us you've learned something along the way and tried to improve yourself. By giving you an ultimatum of 72 hours in which you "have to" make your mind up whether to divorce, your ex is showing he hasn't improved one bit. As pp said, there is no earthly reason why you should conform to his deadline. He's just throwing his weight around as usual. You could have handled things better? Maybe (or maybe not), but he would still be a controlling arse whatever.

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