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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH making fun of my weight

37 replies

burrows · 11/01/2007 17:20

I am a size 20-22 and I have been trying to lose weight for the past 2 years unsuccessfully. My dd is 12 and often calls me fat/ugly/freak/docile etc. Her latest one is "big bum" and although I keep telling her off for it she's continued doing it for the past year or so. DH chuckles when he hears her and we have had arguments over him not diciplining her but nothing changes even when he promises that it wlll. 2 weeks ago I caught him telling her to come into the kitchen and shout "big bum" at me, I went mad and DD got upset saying we didnt want her around etc and I tried to explain to DH that whilst he finds it funny it really isnt helping her to encourage her.

Anyway for the past week she has gone through a phase of saying "big, fat, giant, massive...bum", DH burst out laughing when he heard her (I just ignore it now) but today we met up with friends for lunch and he said it to me over the dinner table , I was fuming but tried to laugh it off to not make everyone else feel uncomfortable but his mate kept going on about it saying "what was that thing you said before..?" etc and getting him to repeat it.

Am I over-reacting over this? I know he's only having a laugh but its making me feel worse than I already do and I'm sure our friends must've thought we were a bit mad

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 11/01/2007 17:23

No, he's not only having a laugh. He is undermining you in front of your daughter, getting her to belittle you, and saying things that he knows will hurt you. That's not having a laugh; that's bloody cruel.

Have you spoken to him seriously about this, and told him your feelings?

geekgrrl · 11/01/2007 17:26

OMG - I can't believe you have to put up with this level of bullying in your own home, and by your own child, too

I think you really need to sit down with them individually and tell them how this makes you feel. Maybe they can find an ounce of compassion between themselves.

brandnewhelsy · 11/01/2007 17:28

Good grief, where is your daughter getting this from? She'd be in the hallway for life if she'd spoken to me like that, but I realise it's easy for me to say and probably a lot more complicated than that. She clearly thinks it's ok to talk to you like that - sounds like you need words with DH as he seems to be validating what is really unacceptable behaviour towards you both as her mother and as another human being. ALso, at 12 she should be able to understand how that is making you feel and how it would make her feel if she were spoken to like that regularly - you would say she was being bullied. You need DH's support.

Saturn74 · 11/01/2007 17:29

This is horrible for you, but I can't understand why are you waiting for your DH to discipline your DD over this?
It's not acceptable for your DH to speak to you like this, and it absolutely atrocious for a 12 year old to speak to her mother in this way.
I would deal with your DD first.
Tell her that you will no longer tolerate her insults, and decide on how you are going to discipline her - whether banning TV, or grounding her, or whatever you think.
Give her one warning if she insults you again, then instigate the discipline the second time.
She is old enough to know that this behaviour is not acceptable.
Speak to your DH and tell him what you plan to do about your daughter. Sadly he should be old enough to behave better, but he's in control of that, not you. Explain to him that you are upset by the way he speaks to you, and that you hope he will stop it, as it is bad for all of you, including your child.
Don't put up with being belittled in your own home.
Good luck, be strong, and be consistent.

brandnewhelsy · 11/01/2007 17:29

Yeah, what Geekgrrl said - if painful to hear .

piglit · 11/01/2007 17:43

Kick your dh very hard between the legs and see how funny he thinks that is.

He is teaching your dd that it is ok (and funny) to undermine her mother in the home and in public in front of people.

brandnewhelsy · 11/01/2007 19:56

bump - any of this strike a cord, Burrows?

dmo · 11/01/2007 20:51

what i horrid man
this is abuse to you and its not funny
i would be so upset if i was you and driven more to food than ever

i'm at weight watchers at mo but my dh says he likes me as i am which doesnt help but now i feel lucky to have a suppoetive dh
poor you

colditz · 11/01/2007 20:57

Your daughter needs to be disciplined by you as well. If she is speaking to you like that, she is probably being spiteful at school too.

Your partner needs to be told to shut the fuck up or leave.

Fireflyfairy2 · 11/01/2007 21:06

I echo Colditz. Your daughter sounds like a cheeky little madam, how dare she speak to the woman who give birth to her like that??? It isn't acceptable for her to speak to any adult like that, never mind the woman who birthed her!!

Hey, I wish you had the confidence to speak up to her, let her see that you are the adult, & she the audacious, disrespectful, cruel little girl. does she have any friends at school?

madamez · 11/01/2007 21:19

It strikes me the main problem is with the DH. OK, now I am just conjecturing here because I don't know the people concerned, but for a man to encourage his daughter to belittle her mother like this is unpleasant, unkind, and does rather suggest the possiblity of an unhealthy relationship between father and daughter. He's encouraging his daughter to ally with him against her mother. This is something abusers do.

Adolescents do say horrible things to their parents and may try to compete for the attention of the opposite-sex parent, but they need boundaries setting, and having one parent encourage this sort of behaviour is at best irresponsible, at worst pretty worrying.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 11/01/2007 21:21

would echo what others have said, your daughter needs to be dealth with, it's not just up to your dh to discipline her it's up to you as well. I would start instigating serious punishments for that kind of talk.

Then have a talk to your dh and tell him how you feel and that the way he is behaving is hurtful and not acceptable either. If he doesn't change, try calling him "small cock" for a couple of weeks and see how he likes that.

madmarchhare · 11/01/2007 21:25

Whoa there burrows' DH. He needs telling straight, no more laughing it off. Get serious here, tell him to change his ways sharpish, or you will have to consider chaging things yourself.

Fireflyfairy2 · 11/01/2007 22:21

Better still, teach your dd to call him small cock & wiggle her little finger at him......

Edam · 11/01/2007 22:33

What a horrid little man your dh is. Why are you still with him? He's teaching your dd to be just as objectionable as him, which isn't doing her any favours, either.

Agree, discipline her, and discipline him too - whether, for him, that's a housework strike/not doing him whatever favours you normally do/no sex/whatever.

My mother cited something not a million miles away from this in her divorce papers. We were too little to know, though. Your dd isn't.

Saturn74 · 12/01/2007 10:26

how are you feeling today, burrows?

DetentionGrrrl · 12/01/2007 10:33

If my mother were the size of a house, i would NEVER have spoken to her like that, and my DP would never speak to me like that, even if i were large.

What a total lack of compassion and respect

Laughing it off is just masking your feelings- and giving them permission to carry on. Lose it big time next time they do it- scream, shout, cry etc- show them how you feel and demand respect.

LittleBoSheep · 12/01/2007 10:36

Whilst you daughter is getting to the age where she should be able to make her own decisions about acceptable behaviour she is learning how to behave from your DH.

I would have a serious talk with him about how he makes you feel and his knock on effect his behaviour has on your daughter. If she thinks it is acceptable to say it to you she will also say it to other people and this will eventually make her unpopular and unhappy.

Discipline your daughter every time she does it and tell her just because daddy does it doesnt mean its a nice thing to to.

themoon66 · 12/01/2007 10:57

Teenagers are horrible and vicious enough, without their own fathers encouraging bad behaviour. Jeez

OrmIrian · 12/01/2007 11:32

Arehole! Aimed at your DH. No excuse for him. Your DD is young enough to be forgiven but she needs to stop! You* tell her to stop! What you do to DH is up to you but in your place I think I'd struggle to have any respect or affection for him.

Tweezerqueen · 12/01/2007 11:47

You didn't need to disclose your weight at the start of your thread, it's almost like you are justifying their abuse.

You are a parent and a wife who deserves to be respected for who you are regardless of your size

Judy1234 · 12/01/2007 12:10

12 year olds can be very good at being very nasty but it's still not acceptable. They seem to learn between 12 - 14 how to be most annoying to their parents, find the weak points and exploit them. It's fairly normal behaviour and how you deal with it can be very hard.

My youngest two twins call each other and others in the family all kinds of things and I don't like it if it gets too nasty and I intervene.

I thnk it's how your husband handles this which is wrong too of course, much worse than the daughter. SOme of the things my ex husband said about me in front of other people were (I could see) embarrassing to them to have the hear. It's quite hard when you're in that position to do much about it.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2007 13:46

When mine used to tease me about my fatness he claimed it was in order to encourage me to lose weight, for my own health and because it would bring out my "pretty face" again instead of my "blobby face". Although of course if I did start to lose weight he was then convinced I was doing it in honour of some man I'd met and was going to run away with, so I'd think "what's the bloody point" and put it all on again.

deaconblue · 12/01/2007 19:54

No, he's being a twat (excuse my language but I hate this sort of stuff). I always tell ds wonderful things about his daddy and expect the same back, otherwise it's not a team, a family. I'm not surprised you feel upset about it.

motherinferior · 12/01/2007 19:57

No, you're not over-reacting. They're both being absolutely vile. As was your husband's friend.