I can't get past my husbands stupidity

[GoodbyeDoggy]

Some of you may remember as I've had a few threads about this, basically my husband bought me a surprise puppy for Christmas. It was exciting at first but I soon realised that it was going to be way harder than I thought as he'd bought a beagle X. We have 2 young children, I've never owned a dog before and beagles are notoriously hard to train, some say the hardest dog of all.
I've managed to rehome the puppy now as I was so out of my depth and dh did fuck all with him.

I'm still so annoyed though. He insisted he'd researched the breed but I can't see how when every website says how hard they are. He would complain every time the dog barked (a lot of the time!), never walked him and got frustrated when the dog misbehaved through boredom.

I don't know how to get past how stupid he was. He won't admit he was wrong, he thinks it's my fault because I've always gone on about how much I want a dog. He's usually a good husband, this isn't something in a long line of things.

How do you move past the resentment? I can't get over it. Sorry I've rambled on.

AnotherEmma - yes, her share. Op says:

I've always gone on about how much I want a dog

This is a marriage, a relationship. Not two strangers. If someone you love says they really want something, it's not unreasonable (! FFS) for the other person to try to help them have it. Yes, a puppy isn't a handbag. But he tried to fulfil her wishes, just didn't do it the way she wanted or a more knowledgeable person would have done it. She does have a share of responsibility in this, and he should be thanked for having the thought (while having the grace to admit he got it wrong - just like she did, as it sounds like she didn't know what she was talking about either when always going on about wanting a dog). Relationships cut both ways. It's wrong to let your empathy for the dog colour the dynamic between OP and DH

he should be thanked

BOLLOCKS

I think you've been approaching this the wrong way. He thinks he did a nice thing that unexpectedly went wrong. You know he did a hugely irresponsible thing that put loads of extra work on you.

You said Every time I try and ask what he was thinking he shuts down or turns it around on me. There's no point asking him what he was thinking. You won't get an answer that satisfies you. In all likelihood, he was thinking it was a nice idea. He totally failed to think about the negatives. Fuckwit.

Have you actually made a statement about how you feel and why?

I'd go for a speech (or even an email to give him time to think).

"I feel angry and resentful over the puppy. You got a living breathing animal and expected me to take care of it for the next 12 or so years...without any consultation, without including me in the joy of choosing the pet. I did everything I could with the puppy, I walked it every day while you did it 3 times (yes I counted). I'm the one that had to go through the embarrassment of rehoming him. Your whole attitude was irritating, you did no training and would moan about all the things dogs are known for. I feel angry and resentful. You may have been trying to do a nice thing but it caused me a lot of trouble to sort out. You didn't help me sort it out and you haven't apologised to me. The resentment is eating me up inside because I don't understand why you haven't apologised or tried to make it up to me. Your behaviour has been so out of character. I had to get this out because it has been driving me crazy."

Sushi

"This is a marriage, a relationship."
Pointing out the obvious, don't you think?!

"It's wrong to let your empathy for the dog colour the dynamic between OP and DH"
I didn't express any empathy for the dog. But thanks for explaining the difference between right and wrong for me
The "dynamic" is that he is blaming the OP for a mistake that HE made - a mistake that caused her a lot of stress - and he is refusing to acknowledge her feelings and apologise. Until he does it's unreasonable for him to expect her to "let it go" (maybe PPs have been watching too much Frozen?)

Since we seem to be pointing out the obvious to each other, I'll permit myself to explain: saying "I want a dog" is not the same as saying "I want you to secretly and unilaterally choose and buy a dog that you have no intention of looking after and will expect me to look after with no warning, consultation or support."

My DH wants a dog and has always made that very clear. But never in a million years would I get a dog for him as a surprise gift without discussing it with him. Since we're in "a marriage, a relationship" (!) we make important decisions like that together.

HTH

Imagine this scenario:

Man has always made it clear to his wife that he wants children one day
Wife decides to surprise him and stops taking the pill without telling him
She gets pregnant and wraps up the positive test as a Christmas present
Man doesn't feel ready to have children yet (maybe they're saving for a deposit to buy their first house and he wanted to wait until they'd bought it) and WANTED A SAY IN WHEN HE BECAME A FATHER
Man is upset and feels wife should have discussed it with him
Wife refuses to apologise because he always said he wanted kids one day, so he should be grateful, right?!

If the thread was about this scenario, I doubt very much anyone would expect the man to THANK his wife and "let it go".

It's a more extreme example, of course, because a child is obviously a bigger deal than a dog, but a dog is still a massive responsibility.

This is where these "dog" threads always end up. There is simply no comparison between dogs and children - none. The analogy is totally flawed.

But you seem to have taken such offence at my last post that I think I'll stop here. No interest in having your passive aggression directed my way.

YANBU OP. Even though, to him, he thought it would be a wonderful gift, your DH did a really stupid thing. How many times do people need to hear about responsible dog ownership (which inclused where to buy the dog) before they get it into their thick heads?! He made so many mistakes...

He made a huge unilateral decision based only on "I'd love to have a dog one day" musings. The person who will be the dog's owner should be the one making the decision and choosing the animal.

He bought a pup for a Christmas present. This is usually a hectic time for families and totally the wrong time to bring a pup into a household.

No responsible dog breeder would sell pups at Christmas, so he got one from a back yard breeder or puppy farm. This is a big fuck up for reasons easily Googleable. So he either didn't do his research or he didn't give a shit.

OP wanted an adult rescue dog. Or a pup when the DCs were older. She did not want a pup at this stage.

He created a situation that meant OP had a huge burden of responsibility and increased work load. And he refused to help.

He created the situation that culminated in OP having to go through the shame and disappointment of rehoming the dog. Again, he didn't help.

And on top of all this he fails to acknowledge his mistakes, only looking at the "but you said you wanted a dog" angle like a child would. Is he normally so irresponsible and hard of thinking?! Personally, in OP's shoes, I'd find it very hard to move on until there'd been recognition of the fuck up and an apology.

Actually I think AnotherEmma's analogy is pretty good. Of course dogs are not children, but they are like having a child and therefore the decision about whether to introduce one into a family should not be unilateral.

Did you ever tell him that although you wanted a dog you'd wait until DCs were older or did it just stop at 'I want a dog'? He probably thought he was doing an amazing thing which we all agree he wasn't but it's nearly five months later.

Is this just the one problem or is there something else as it seems to be endless about this dog?

And I hope it was rehomed happily.

Oh Dear

On the Beagle thing: Beagles are just typical scent hounds, very single minded and need focusing, but extremely willing to please once you work out what makes them tick. All scent hounds are like this, their tenacity is bred into them to keep them focused on a scent. However, once you've got the attention of a scent hound they are pretty easy to train, especially Beagles who are notoriously motivated by food!

If you think beagles are untrainable, try their shorter, dimmer cousins... basset hounds!

I have 2 basset hounds so I feel your pain, the hound stubborn streak is a huge road block unless you're prepared to work with your dog pretty much none stop for the first 6 months. I have a rescue who was 5.5 months when we got him, same story as you basically: owners brought him with absolutely no clue that puppies are hard work! He didn't just nip he would actually bite you during play, had no idea how to walk on a lead, would destroy anything he could get his teeth on (coffee table is now missing chunks, he's chewed the plaster off walls too! ). He was also not house trained at nearly 6 months old We did 2 puppy training classes a week for 3 months (I work full time), as much walking as we could (bassets are a funny breed, you can only walk them for 5 mins for every month of life for the first year so we were limited to 30 min walks a day!) and while in the house he was given plastic bottles with things in them to destroy in an attempt to keep him from chewing us instead! Very slowly but surely he learned the boundaries and now he's a total superstar When we took him on we knew he'd had 5 months of no training and his previous owners just hadn't put any effort into him at all, so we knew he was going to be a handful. They earlier you start training, the easier it is to sort them out but at 5.5 months we'd missed the very important window. It was an uphill battle the whole way but now we have a fabulous little guy who's spot on :)

Moral of the story: Stop blaming the dog, you get out of a dog exactly what you put in. No dog is born without the ability to learn no matter what the breed. You mentioned he wasn't "willing to please"... no, you never took the time to find out what motivated him. Clearly he was food motivated, food motivated dogs are the easiest to train so it's absolutely not the dogs fault you and your family didn't make the effort to work that out, your husband didn't buy the wrong breed, you are just not ready for a dog!

I'm 53 and have had Mirena coil in-situ for 7 years (no bleeding in all that time). At my last smear, the doctor said I could keep it in for another few years yet.

Over the past 12-18 months I've had various peri symptoms, which are getting worse.
Tiredness, irritability, anxiety, low mood, dry skin, hair, vagina(!) joint pains, etc.

Last year, I went to my GP who prescribed HRT, which when I googled later, appeared to be 'old style' medication (Premique?) which seemed not be recommended by many users.

I'm willing to try again, and have made an appt with GP, but don't know enough about HRT and what I really want or need.
The female GP I'm seeing is the same one that prescribed the Premique last year.

Any advice/recommendations?

Oops sorry, completely the wrong topic - ignore me. See, this is what the menopause does to you!!

Heehee 3cats

He was trying to do a nice thing and there is loads of very positive stuff about beagles on the internet. If he thinks you're smart, the training might not have seemed such an issue. It's hard to be made to admit you did something wrong when you thought you were making someone's dream come true. I think you're being really unpleasant in not letting this disaster die quietly.

The dog was rehomed through the rescue centre so I know he is safe and happy. I'm not blaming the dog and have already said that, he was just so much work and something I was not ready for, hence why I hadn't got a dog myself.
Last year was the hardest year I've ever had, my mum died unexpectedly, then the funeral home fucked up and let me see her literally rotting in front of me. Then we had to sell her house, buy our house and organise our wedding. All the while my eldest was having a bad year at school and was playing up a lot at home, and I have a really clingy toddler. It was not a good time to plonk a puppy on me, I was knackered and traumatised. It upset me that he would add yet another challenge on my plate and then step away from any responsibility.

Someone said upthread that I will never get the answer I'm satisfied with and I think they're right. I'm going to have to accept it and move on. Dwelling on the past is doing me no good.

Thanks for the opinions, even the ones I don't quite agree with.

Totally irresponsible - simple as that. He did the wrong thing but it's probably time to forgive and forget now.

Bit too much information there, please think what others may have also been through before dropping graphic images into an unrelated thread. It has nothing to do with the issue or your dh's culpability... I think your issues are much bigger than this and you should consider counseling. But my mum passed away last year also si yeah...thanks for that...

He bought you a dog. Because you kept saying "I want a dog". It didn't work out. FGS, move on and stop making this such a big drama.

Your relationship will have bigger things thrown at it over the years.

My DH got me something expensive for Christmas, that I really didn't want, it was a stupid purchase. I sent it back. Job done. I haven't thought about it since January (when I took it back). It's almost May. Get over it already.

So you wanted a dog having not realised they require hard work and he bought you a dog as a surprise without planning to help with the work.

The dog has now been rehomed because you realised you couldn't care for it. Yes he was stupid and it was not kind to the dog to put it in that position but it sounds as if you didn't really understand the work of looking after a dog either.

The dog has been rehomed now, can't you just chalk it up to experience, appreciate the gesture he was trying to make and move on?

Husky
"My DH got me something expensive for Christmas, that I really didn't want, it was a stupid purchase. I sent it back. Job done. I haven't thought about it since January (when I took it back). It's almost May. Get over it already."
I don't think your situation is comparable to the OP's at all. Are you suggesting that a dog is similar to an expensive item you can just return to the shop?!

goodbye. You really have had a horrible time. Sounds as if the pup trauma has just been the last straw for you. Take some time out and concentrate on healing. You absolutely will get over this. My DF once bought his retired parents a staffie as a present without consulting them...he remembered they'd had a dog during the war that they'd loved so thought they would be pleased. That dog was rehomed, too. It happens. Some 30 years on we laugh about it and how silly he was. I posted up thread that I got how you were feeling and after your update even more so.

Not so sure that some posts here are quite what OP needs to hear.