I can't get past my husbands stupidity

[GoodbyeDoggy]

Some of you may remember as I've had a few threads about this, basically my husband bought me a surprise puppy for Christmas. It was exciting at first but I soon realised that it was going to be way harder than I thought as he'd bought a beagle X. We have 2 young children, I've never owned a dog before and beagles are notoriously hard to train, some say the hardest dog of all.
I've managed to rehome the puppy now as I was so out of my depth and dh did fuck all with him.

I'm still so annoyed though. He insisted he'd researched the breed but I can't see how when every website says how hard they are. He would complain every time the dog barked (a lot of the time!), never walked him and got frustrated when the dog misbehaved through boredom.

I don't know how to get past how stupid he was. He won't admit he was wrong, he thinks it's my fault because I've always gone on about how much I want a dog. He's usually a good husband, this isn't something in a long line of things.

How do you move past the resentment? I can't get over it. Sorry I've rambled on.

If you've no experience of puppies it may well be the behaviours you are talking about are just general puppy behaviours rather than breed specific.

Certainly for the first few months, you just have "a puppy being a puppy" rather than a breed which is hard to train.

He's usually a good husband, this isn't something in a long line of things.

Focus on this

It was his breed mostly, although the general puppiness was also hard with young children.

He was stubborn and had no desire to please. He was desperate for food and would jump up at the children whenever they had something, which was most of the time. He barked a lot and needed a shit ton of exercise and mind games. His nipping turned to biting and I couldn't get to many training classes as dh works away a lot and I had no one to mind the kids.

I think I'm just going to have to bury the resentment, not sure what else I can do.

Did you always used to say you wanted a dog?

Yes peggy I've said that.
I don't know if it's just me but if my partner kept saying that I would say lets do some research and go choose a dog together.

He just sounds like a puppy, poor thing

It sounds like a typical puppy.

You kept saying you wanted a dog, and you admit you were pleased and excited at first, so to now say he dumped it on you without any consultation is really unfair.

If you'd researched a breed, chosen a puppy together, your DH would still have been working away a lot and you still wouldn't have been able to get to many training classes.

I think you're angry because it's dawned on you that something you really wanted is actually just not feasible and doesn't work with your current circumstances. You'd have been in the same predicament with any puppy.

But keep using it as a stick to beat your DH with if you insist.

It sounds like a puppy, I think you didn't realise how hard work dogs can be and now you're blaming your husband.

It's one thing saying you'd like a dog and another for someone else to make the actual decision about when and what kind, without any kind of discussion and without really thinking through exactly what that would entail.

And beagles are lovely family pets but every breed has its own quirks and specific amounts of exercise and stimulation needed. Being cute and good with kids isn't the only thing to consider. Beagles are also scent hounds which can be a bit of a nightmare off lead (and they love rolling in badger poo!).

Exactly Misnomer. I knew puppies were hard work which is why I wanted an older rescue dog, or maybe a puppy when the children were older and I could devote time to the puppy easily. If I was that desperate for a dog I would have gone and got one.

Yes he was a typical puppy but he was very beagle like. I'm not in any way blaming the dog, he couldn't help it.

I'm going to leave this now. I know I need to move past it and hopefully I will do as time goes on.

I remember your threads op. I would feel the same as you. He was hugely irresponsible. I don't think you can get passed it until he admits how stupid he was.

Would councilling help? I'm not sure what else to suggest really. Where did you rehome him? I know you tried your best so don't feel bad about the dog, it wasn't your fault.

I have a 12 week old puppy and an 18 month old toddler (plus 3 other children). What you are describing is just puppy behaviour. Puppies are hard work, especially with a toddler too.

Just as you have to teach your toddler acceptable behaviour (and it usually takes past the Terrible Twos before you make real progress on this), you also have to train a pup acceptable behaviour. Expecting this in s few months is unreasonable - it would take 12 months or so to lose the puppiness regardless of breed.

I think you are disappointed in yourself so are placing all blame with your OH.

He could have had more forethought.

You could have tried harder. You need to accept some responsibility alongside your DH

Poor dog. I'm glad it's going to a forever home now .

I think you're being incredibly harsh on your DH. It may just be that he's not a "dog"
person: has no idea how much work it is, how restricting and time consuming they can be etc etc, let alone the finer intricacies of different breeds.

He wanted to do a nice thing for you, but didn't execute it in a way that you approved of, or that an experienced person would have done (and it sounds like you wouldn't have known either, so a bit of pot/kettle there). I don't think that months of resentment is called for, really.

it sounds like you wouldn't have known either, so a bit of pot/kettle there). I don't think that months of resentment is called for, really.

This

Puppys are essentially the same as a naughty toddler...and quite possibly harder work!

The poor dog :( hope the next family thought it through a bit more so he doesn't keep going from home to home.

Honnestly your husband thought he was doing something nice. If you always asked for a dog you are both equally to blame for being rash and not thinking things through imo.

Oh I think months of resentment are called for - until he realises what a complete arse he was, and takes full responsibility for his utter stupidity

I agree with Jan45 and Costa. He DID fuck up, which isn't the end of the world as you have been able to rehome the dog, luckily. But he needs to acknowledge that he fucked up and apologise. It's not hard is it?!

Does he often refuse to admit being in the wrong and apologise? Does he often insist that everything's your fault, even things that he does?

He may be waiting for an acknowledgement of the thought and effort he did put into all this (ie OP taking her share of responsibility for the gift) before apologising for getting it wrong.

Frankly, both OP and her DH sound a bit immature shot the whole thing. Just talk it over and put it behind you. It's not that big a deal, surely?

What thought and effort? Dumping a probably puppy-farmed pup on someone with absolutely no notice, just before Christmas? I've put more thought into what we have for dinner

Sushi
"Her share of responsibility"? What?!
Saying "I'd love a dog" does not make her responsible in any way for actually getting one, since her partner didn't discuss it with her at all!

OP, you sound really traumatised by this whole incident and I fully empathise.

I was that woman who longed for a dog. Dh, not so much. Eventually I talked him round and along came the puppy. Omg what an absolute shock to the system. I had sailed through two DC and a challenging career compared to this small bomb exploding in our lives. I was so conflicted, depressed even. I loved him but was always anxious and not even sure I wanted him let alone loved him. Of course this passed and after several months we settled down and all was well.

But, I can imagine if it had been different and I hadn't been prepared, hadn't physically been able to cope...the guilt would have been horrendous. If, added to all that, I hadn't even chosen the dog or had any say then guilt would have been tinged with rage and resentment.

I'm not sure quite where you go with this but maybe try talking it through with someone other than your dh. He seemingly isn't going to accept any wrongdoing and it is more complicated than a badly thought through present.

You can move on, though. And have another dog later on but for now you need to let this one go and find peace with a difficult decision that you made well.

Yes, he made a mistake. But the puppy has a good home now and you have both learnt something more about dog buying and ownership should you decide to try again in the future. Just let it go. Your husband made a mistake, like people do. It turned out okay in the end. Life goes on. If I were him I wouldn't think much of you dragging it up over and over again to beat me with.

Do we know the puppy has a good home now?

I guess if you turn it on its head and the dog turned out to be fabulous and very easily biddable you wouldn't be feeling this way. It's the fact it didn't and I guess that DH didn't take any responsibility. I think until that bit is realised / acknowledged by him you will find it hard to move on.

At the same time, people who are naive about dogs might not ever see the pov that it's needs to be a joint effort really, esp if you didn't choose the dog. My mum did all the dog care as she wanted them keeping vet costs a secret from dad though he did walk and enjoy them too.

Dogs within breeds do differ - I don't know about beagles or beagle crosses but we had many of the same type of dog over the years and they differed in stubbornness and biddability. We also made two mistake choices which had to be rehomed (not our usual breed incidentally).

I completely understand your feelings as it must have been very emotional and he isn't acknowledging anything. At the same time, perhaps he can't as he just doesn't get it. It's a nasty stain on your doggy memories - I'd try my hardest to try to ring fence it all off and move on by telling your self that next time it will be more thoroughly researched, maybe not a puppy, and totally your choice.