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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

75 replies

Tazlet · 26/04/2016 13:00

Ok, so I need a reality check from you guys to see if I am a hormonal nightmare or actually have a point...

Me and my BH fell pregnant very quickly after we got together (2 months), it was not planned but we were happy about it. I get on very well with his family which is cool. I also have a good relationship with his 2 young sons.

His parents have asked us to go away with them (they go to the same place each year and generally take BH and his kids). We talked about it and despite the fact I will be 8 months preggers and it will be boiling I agreed we should go. He said he'd look into dates with them. I send him a message just to confirm that we wouldn't be in a family room and the boys would have their own room (they wake up and are very loud (as little boys can be) at about 6am each morning and it turns out not only have they booked 2 rooms (interconnecting with his parents - meaning the boys are in the same room as us to sleep and his parents are in connecting room next door) and all the flights. I feel awful and like the bad guy by being upset over this. I know I'm going to big, hot and emotional so don't think its too selfish to want the boys in a separate room so that I can sleep and also have some privacy. I don't mind so much about his parents being next door but I have only met them a handful of times.. I 've also not booked the time off work or even discussed it with my manager or even looked into if anyone can look after my animals.

We've also had some pregnancy issues in the last week so I'm already stressed beyond belief and now feel like this horrible nasty person on top.

OP posts:

witsender · 26/04/2016 15:14

I was so ready for time alone at that point, it won't happen much after! I would decline very gracefully, and stay at home and rest...I just wouldn't want to fly to a warm country at that point.

It isn't at all unreasonable to have the kids in your room though, they're only small and waking early wanting your mum/dad is what they do.

Choceeclair123 · 26/04/2016 15:21

There is no way at 36 weeks pregnant I would want to fly off to a hot country on holiday.

There is also no way I would leave two children of that age, alone, in a different room, in a foreign country.

Choceeclair123 · 26/04/2016 15:21

There is no way at 36 weeks pregnant I would want to fly off to a hot country on holiday.

There is also no way I would leave two children of that age, alone, in a different room, in a foreign country.

WannaBe · 26/04/2016 15:30

It sounds as if you've all been through a huge amount of change in the past year, none more so than the kids. What I would do TBH is:

Stay home and enjoy your last couple of weeks of being able to rest without being woken. And let your DP go on holiday and spend this time one-one with his DC before the baby arrives.

WannaBe · 26/04/2016 15:32

And absolutely no way on earth would I be letting a four and six year old sleep in their own room abroad. Just because they're adjoining rooms there's still a door to the outside from their room. Not a chance, and if I were the ex in this situation I would be having serious words with their dad about being responsible for the DC's safety.

Vixxfacee · 26/04/2016 15:36

4 & 6 years old in their own room. Never!

36 weeks is far too long. Stay at home and rest.

Sothatsflatwhite · 26/04/2016 16:38

I don't think I would put DCs in an adjoining room either at that age. I'd rather they slept closer to me in an unfamiliar place.
If it was me, I'd stay in the UK and let BH enjoy a holiday with his family before the next big arrival.
Do you have your own family near you at home? I.e. Someone you could call on if your baby arrived while BH was away?

The birth is impossible to predict and if you went abroad you'd have to prepare for the possibility of having the baby while on holiday. Do you know where the hospital is? Do they have maternity services? Could you communicate with the docs? What would your plan be if you had to stay in hospital a bit longer than expected after the birth? Would you have to pay for anything?
It's not impossible, but it's not something I'd do.

Cabrinha · 26/04/2016 17:35

I would be glad of the reason to cancel going, tbh!

You've only met his parents a handful of times, you must barely know them as you've only been with him about 6-7 months? (estimated on what you've said!)

I'm sure you do get on fine with them, and also with his kids - I can see you've been away with them before.

But it sounds like a pressure cooker: heavily pregnant, hot, kids you can't have spent that much time with so far, parents you don't know, and still a new relationship.

No way in hell I'd be putting all that into two connecting rooms

I'd tell him you're not going and be honest why. To his parents I would say it's a combination of late pregnancy (you can always lie and say insurance won't cover you after the extra investigations at that late stage - which could even be true) - and/or say you think it would be nice for the kids to get all their dad's attention before the new baby arrives.

Good luck with your pregnancy, I hope you get the all clear

(oh and now it's been explained - Better Half - please don't use that! I know I'm appointing myself the acronym police here, but he isn't "better" than you!)

Lunar1 · 26/04/2016 18:34

I think I'd stay home if I were you, it's too late to fly and it's irresponsible to leave boys of that age in a hotel room alone. What if the got out in the night or started messing with the taps?

Original poster

Tazlet · 03/05/2016 12:53

well after much thought and realising that the airline we were booked on wouldn't actually let me fly I'm staying at home.

OP posts:

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 03/05/2016 13:19

on your on? are you ok with that?

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 03/05/2016 13:19

*own (cant spell today)

SexNamesRFab · 03/05/2016 13:23

No need to be sad, look forward to a week of peace and quiet. Batch cook loads of stuff for the freezer and enjoy having the bed to yourself. Also let your DP spend some quality time with his DC before the baby comes along. A holiday that late in PG would not have been fun.

Original poster

Tazlet · 03/05/2016 13:23

The idea doesn't fill me with joy - heavily pregnant and on my own but I guess thats life

OP posts:

expotition · 03/05/2016 13:35

Also you will need to make sure you have a letter from your midwife giving you the OK to fly - get it on headed paper and/or with an official stamp, and including her NHS staff number and phone number. I flew with BA out of the UK at about 30 weeks and they demanded a letter, which I had, but they took issue with it because it didn't look official enough. They wanted to phone her for confirmation.

Flying back from Italy a week later BA were totally uninterested that I was pregnant. Possibly different clothes making me look bigger / smaller, possibly just different staff...

expotition · 03/05/2016 13:36

Sorry cross-posted!

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 03/05/2016 13:39

Will you have plans in place in case you go into labour?

Can't they change the reservations for, say, a month sooner? (and your family get the connecting rooms and the in-laws book another room).

It doesn't seem as if anyone is giving you much thought OP

Original poster

Tazlet · 03/05/2016 13:45

sadly that's the first week of school holidays so the earliest we could go. Little bit upset and scared of being on my own in case I go into labour guessing that's normal as a first timer but doesn't help....

Also apparently the cost of the additional room is something like £2k which is beyond stupid for a week in frigging Portugal...

OP posts:

Yawninghippo · 03/05/2016 17:07

To be honest, my thoughts are that his two boys may feel a little pushed out with a new baby and not much time to get used to you being together before that, it might be great that he has that time with them alone before throwing himself into new parenthood again with you. :-)

Plan lots of lovely things to do that week to make you really appreciate the last hard stretch before bubba arrives. And relax! You are just as likely to go over your DD as you are to be early! My first was 5 days late.

corythatwas · 03/05/2016 18:30

Well, you'll be better off going into labour on your own here than in Portugal tbh. Make sure you always have taxi money at the ready, and the number of a local taxi firm, so you can get to hospital on your own if need be. And keep a packed hospital bag by the bed.

Poppledopple · 03/05/2016 19:16

If you did go until labour there would probably be enough time for your OH to fly home and leave the boys with GPs - research flights from different airports and into diff airports in the UK (if there and any near you) then you will know what ones are available - he could always turn up at the airport even if the flight is full as there are always no shows --- good decision - goo luck. You do know that you will be 2 weeks overdue now !!!

LineyReborn · 03/05/2016 19:27

If you've only been together for about six months all this must be overwhelming. I think you're right not to go. No-one thought this through

Costacoffeeplease · 03/05/2016 19:38

That sounds like the best option all round - you stay home and rest, get prepared etc and he gets quality time with his children

If you don't want young kids getting you up early when you're heavily pregnant, I guess you won't be having any more?

iloveberries · 03/05/2016 21:04

What about postponing till next Easter hols or something? I'm 17 wks and wouldn't want my DP out of the country at 36 weeks...

Your DP and his parents should have considered you more before they booked this.

Alpies · 04/05/2016 00:47

It's good that you have made the decision not to go. Probably best to stay at home and get lots of rest and treat yourself and get yourself organised.

But also whilst it's not convenient to have you DP away from you during the later stages of your pregnancy, it's probably best to let him spend quality time with his kids from previous relationship. God know they probably will feel sidelined by your baby.

I don't usually like to judge but I did think it wasn't nice of you to put his kids in a separate room on holiday. They are so young, way too young to be left alone in a room unsupervised. Especially abroad or anywhere (Madeleine mc Cann comes to mind) I wonder whether you would do that if the kids were biologically yours. In fact would you do that with your own DC.

Good luck with the delivery.

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