Father in law makes me feel like a bad mum

[Alim11]

i have a 5 week newborn who is my first child and so I am trying my best to look after her despite not having any previous experience with babies. The other day my MIL wanted to bath my baby (which I let her do to allow her to feel a bond with my child) and whilst bathing her she notice that under her neck was slightly red and sore. She asked me whether I had been cleaning that area to which I replied yes with wipes an she told me that this was wrong and that's why my babies neck was sore I should have cleaned it with cotton wool. I immediately felt like crap as I didn't mean to hurt my baby . I actually wanted to cry I felt so bad but anyway after that discussion i thought that it was all over but 20 mins later my FIL confronts me about it and asks me why my babies neck is red and I explained I think it's from using wipes not cotton wool but he implied I was a lier and that it was because I wasn't cleaning my baby. I felt really awful because I have been cleaning her and I felt confused because I don't know how it's happened . It's not hurting her and she seems fine and it looks like little spots rather than a sore. This whole situation makes me feel so embarrassed upset and like a bad mum. My FIL also went on to say that if I can do this then what is next ... I feel like everyone thinks I'm incapable of being a mother ... Know I'm sensitive but I won't even let my baby cry for one second and I don't leave her side at all. My in laws have 8 kids so they always try to give me parenting advice. They tried to discourage me from BF saying that my baby is still hungry but I think it's because they want to be able to spend time with the baby without me. They tried to get me to give my newborn water because they said she's dehydrated ... I feel like they are constantly trying to take control of my baby .... My MIL is even trying to persuade me to go back to work ... Again because I feel like they want the baby... When I go to their house .. Which they guilt trip me and my husband to do pretty much 3 times a week which is just too much to me.. They always pass my baby around and hold her which sometimes I don't mind but other times I get such bad anxiety and I can't say anything because I don't want to act irrational. I know my baby feels anxious to because she ends up crying and being very unsettled. At times my in laws do have good intentions but other times they just are over bearing.... I don't know how to stop feeling upset about this ... I'm not a confrontational person so I can't say anything back ... My husband isn't really supportive and I don't have any family because they have disowned me...

I would not give these insensitive Ps in the A house room. Tell them to bugger off! How dare they! Your baby - your rules.

I know you are a new Mum and it is all strange - and it is easy to get worried. Most grandparents understand that and are supportive and only give advice when asked for.

It is THEIR problem not yours! Don't let them grind you down. I think the "HV says" strategy is a gem. You could even be really bitchy and say "Oh heavens no - that idea is SO outdated!"

Mother's instinct will carry you through - you do not need their unsolicited "advice."

Cornflour would be better than talc because it's not perfumed, and it's actually a key ingredient in some nappy rash treatments.

I bought a Kari-me wrap sling on my second baby chiefly to wear when visiting in-laws and loved it so wore it all the time he would snuggle up and sleep against me and I could refuse to take baby out more easily. It cut down dramatically on the passing around.

Another tactic that I found useful in establishing boundaries was to refer to the older generation as nana/ granny / granda etc, and to myself as mamma. "It's ok, mamma has you now, shh mamma's here....ooh look here's nana" etc. Without ever being rude I was constantly reinforcing my authority as mother.

My MIL knew everything and dismissed current advice as nonsense, and there was no way of getting through to her, so I would wait until we were going home to say to DH, " I didn't know how to tell her that giving water has been known to cause convulsions.....that cot death rates dropped by X% when babies were put sleeping on their backs...." I know it sounds underhand but it was really important to undermine her authority over DH, because he was and to a lesser extent still is trapped in FOG

Could you take a break from them for a couple of weeks by telling a little white lie that baby is not well and GP advised not exposing her to too many people? I wouldn't normally advise this but I think if you got a week or two to yourself it would help you find your feet. And as others have said unthread, 5 weeks is a very tough time and it does suddenly all come together. If they put pressure on you, just say you'll check with the doctor and let them know.

look them in the eye and say "i do not appreciate what youre implying when you criticise my parenting of MY child. You need to back off"
then smile.

'You've had 8 babies and that is great, however, this is MY baby and things are done differently in the modern age. I will do things MY way with MY DD. If you continue to talk me like this then I will have to ask you to leave. Respect me and my parenting or I will have no choice but to go minimal contact with you for mine and my DD mental health. Now, who wants a cuppa?'!
Done and done!

Repeat over and over every time they chime in.
'I've made my feelings clear now please leave!'

Must be hard OP. I have friends from an asian background and have a little understanding of the added pressures to be a good "dil" or child, you sound quite young too . Unfortunately, I think you are going to have to be strong and mature and put some boundaries as it doesn't sound they respect you and back off. I hope your husband understands and backs you up. At least cut back on contact to give you some breathing space. It sounds really hard, i was lucky to have the opposite in ils. It's sad you are having to deal with this.

You're doing so well, OP - just remember it's your job to keep your baby safe and secure, and that includes keeping a calm atmosphere around her (and you!).

When I had my first baby in the early 70s, some of my older female relatives were awful - constantly turning up at my house, wanting a "turn" of holding him, bathing him etc - some were resentful that he was breastfed, telling me he had a rash because of my milk and so on.

My own mother went on and on about routine when he was a newborn, telling me not to rock him in my arms...and then months later when he had fallen into a natural routine, she found it irritating if his naps coincided with her visits! I had to learn to stand up to her pretty damn fast and we had a huge falling-out when the baby was tiny - in the end, I said she was welcome to come and visit as long as she observed our family rules but that I wouldn't be visiting her until things changed (she was worse on her own territory). She accused me of "keeping the baby away from his family" and so on, but by that time I was so angry at her interference that I stood strong.

She stayed away for 3 weeks (yay!) and when she appeared again, there was no apology, but I noticed a difference in her behaviour from then on - I guess she recognised a new strength in me.

Try to get out with your baby and make new friends. Be busy - don't give them the chance to assume you're always around. If you and your husband want to lead a different - less traditional - sort of life, you need to establish that from now on. It will be hard work, because his parents will be used to having things their own way, but it can be done.

If there is no possibility of a reconciliation with your own family, you need new sources of support, so join baby groups or whatever you can, so that you're surrounded by other young parents - it will help you to stand strong if you see others living their lives as they wish.

Congratulations on your daughter - enjoy her!

PS I confess we did eventually move away from close family - it solved so many problems and improved relationships no end.

Firstly you haven't done anything wrong. Secondly your baby is five weeks old, you are learning to be a mother still. It takes time to get to grips with everything.

Each time they try and butt in have some pre-prepared lines to come back at them with. Don't try and explain you decisions just tell them that it's your baby and you will choose how to do things. BF, it's my baby and I will choose how I want to feed him/her. Repeat it needed. Don't offer explainations as they will then try and rebuff. Practice saying it in the mirror.

You are upset because your baby is a bit sore and you are worried you arnt doing a good enough job, it's because you care so much. My 8 month old gets sore in her armpits and leg creases. I was focused on these bits and completely didn't notice she was sore behind Her ears. She will come to no harm from any of it but I felt guilty I hadn't noticed. It gets easier but being s parent will mean you will always worth about your kids.

Please try not to beat yourself up about every little thing, it's really hard as the hormones make you react differently to normal and you'll be sleep deprived. Sounds like you are doing well and well done on breastfeeding, I tried really hard with it but found it very hard and emotionally draining.

You need to tell them to get fucked. Sugar coat it anyway you like but that's essentially the message. Don't let them undermine you and shatter your confidence just because you're a first time mum.

I clean my baby's neck with water wipes. She's turned into a right little chubster and a few weeks ago I discovered a whole new fold where milk and gunk had gathered that I previously didn't know existed. Fuck knows how long it's been there but was pretty cheesy She's fine. Your baby is fine. I'd back away a bit and reduce contact. Don't let them tell you how to parent.

alim

re your comment:-
"All of their adult children feel controlled by them but because of the cultural background no one challenges them"

I was not at all surprised to read that but these adult children do not challenge their parents also because of the parents own conditioning of them not to speak out. Culture does not therefore come into his because your DH's family of origin is very much an emotionally unhealthy one. It would have been the case regardless of the culture they came from.

Your H trying to distance his family from his own was a major reason for your FILs nasty comments. Ignore him and raise your own boundaries a lot higher as of now.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics your ILs want to foister on you.

Never forget either; your baby, your rules. You always have the final say.

Don't use talc. It's bad for babies as they can breath in the dust from the air. Just stick to moisturiser, washing and some fresh air.

Both my babies had redness in the folds under their chin, it's perfectly normal. As for visiting overbearing ILs 3 times a week, that's beyond the call of duty.