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Original poster

Father in law makes me feel like a bad mum

61 replies

Alim11 · 26/04/2016 08:34

i have a 5 week newborn who is my first child and so I am trying my best to look after her despite not having any previous experience with babies. The other day my MIL wanted to bath my baby (which I let her do to allow her to feel a bond with my child) and whilst bathing her she notice that under her neck was slightly red and sore. She asked me whether I had been cleaning that area to which I replied yes with wipes an she told me that this was wrong and that's why my babies neck was sore I should have cleaned it with cotton wool. I immediately felt like crap as I didn't mean to hurt my baby . I actually wanted to cry I felt so bad but anyway after that discussion i thought that it was all over but 20 mins later my FIL confronts me about it and asks me why my babies neck is red and I explained I think it's from using wipes not cotton wool but he implied I was a lier and that it was because I wasn't cleaning my baby. I felt really awful because I have been cleaning her and I felt confused because I don't know how it's happened . It's not hurting her and she seems fine and it looks like little spots rather than a sore. This whole situation makes me feel so embarrassed upset and like a bad mum. My FIL also went on to say that if I can do this then what is next ... I feel like everyone thinks I'm incapable of being a mother ... Know I'm sensitive but I won't even let my baby cry for one second and I don't leave her side at all. My in laws have 8 kids so they always try to give me parenting advice. They tried to discourage me from BF saying that my baby is still hungry but I think it's because they want to be able to spend time with the baby without me. They tried to get me to give my newborn water because they said she's dehydrated ... I feel like they are constantly trying to take control of my baby .... My MIL is even trying to persuade me to go back to work ... Again because I feel like they want the baby... When I go to their house .. Which they guilt trip me and my husband to do pretty much 3 times a week which is just too much to me.. They always pass my baby around and hold her which sometimes I don't mind but other times I get such bad anxiety and I can't say anything because I don't want to act irrational. I know my baby feels anxious to because she ends up crying and being very unsettled. At times my in laws do have good intentions but other times they just are over bearing.... I don't know how to stop feeling upset about this ... I'm not a confrontational person so I can't say anything back ... My husband isn't really supportive and I don't have any family because they have disowned me...

OP posts:

Original poster

Alim11 · 26/04/2016 09:18

If I ever use health visitor as a buffer they will always say oh they don't know what they are talking about they always change their advice etc! I just wish they would not comment on parenting techniques ... I think I just need to get away from them lol

OP posts:

3luckystars · 26/04/2016 09:20

Do not visit them for a few weeks, they will get over it. Stay away and be with your baby, you know her best. Stop trying to please these people, you can't.

Spudlet · 26/04/2016 09:21

They are being unkind and bullying. And as pp said, their advice on water is downright harmful.

Your DP is failing as a father if he doesn't stand up for you and your baby.

HeadfirstForHalos · 26/04/2016 09:24

All four of my dc got that occasionally as babies, despite cleaning regularly with cotton wool or wipes. I don't believe your pils never experienced this, they're just trying to make you feel bad.

My mil was overbearing when I had dc1, I reduced visits and ignored her advice and did things my own way, she calmed down (mostly) eventually.

This is your baby , not theirs , please don't be afraid to assert yourself.

WrinkledlikeAudrey · 26/04/2016 09:24

Congratulations on your new daughter and you sound a lovely mum. I think the idea of quoting the HV to them makes good sense as does taking more time to get to know your new person without interference. I'm sure your confidence will grow along with your daughter!

StrictlyMumDancing · 26/04/2016 09:25

How about using your gp then? And if they say advice is always changing then say 'yes, isn't is good how we learn from the mistakes of the past generations'

Catmuffin · 26/04/2016 09:25

My dd had the sore neck due to dribbling. Your in laws sound awful. Why on earth are they blaming you for it? Why is your husband blameless? (Not that anyone should be blamed, it's normal.) I agree that your DP is failing as a father if he doesn't stand up for you and your baby against these bullies.

AllChangeLife · 26/04/2016 09:30

For wipes I had a really sensitive skinned dc. The simple wipes are really good and didn't irritate his skin at all..

For the rest. It is your DH's job to act as a buffer. You shouldn't have to have words but for me, unwanted advice was usually met with "that's interesting, I'll have a look" and if again, "we decided not to do that because of new research/Dr's advice/it doesn't work for us". No confrontation, just a little dismissive.

Unless you are hurting your child, nothing you are doing will damage them so much in the time it takes to google/ask on here/ask other mum friends. So whatever they criticise you for, stay neutral and look it up later to give you the confidence you need to tell them that what they have said doesn't work for you.

Ps - my ds had various neck rashes which we has to see Dr about in the end. Quite common. Not the wipes, though the gentler wipes aren't a bad thing!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2016 09:33

You need to stay away from these awful people as of now, they were not good parents to your H and they are not decent grandparent figures to your child either. They will continue to undermine your own parenting abilities. What they want here is power and control; this is what all their actions are about towards you.

His parents had eight (presumably now adult) children. Do you know what sort of a relationship they have with their parents these days?.

Where are your own boundaries here with regards to your ILs; you are allowed to have these and a small but significant boundary you can do is to lessen the frequency of your visits to them.

What is your DH doing here to support you and his child; after all his primary loyalty is to you as his wife and not his parents. Is he also in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) with regards to them?. He also needs to realise that his own inertia when it comes to his parents is simply hurting him as well as you.

Spudlet · 26/04/2016 09:35

PS. We have used Water Wipes on DS right from day one. He is now four months old, and his skin has yet to fall off... Cotton wool on the other hand is a bloody nightmare, he ends up with fluffy bits all over the place!

madamlala · 26/04/2016 09:41

I think you sound like a great Mum.

You clearly only want to do what's best for your beautiful babe. I was an older first time Mum and had worked with babies for 10 years but I still had all sorts of insecurities that I wasn't good enough! I bloody well was, as it turned out!

You also sound like you're very kind as you want to please everyone even if they are being rude, intrusive and frankly sticking their beak in where it's not needed.

Have courage! You are doing a fab job.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/04/2016 09:41

I second (third?) the advice to defer to 'GP/HV says it's fine/all going well/best thing for the baby'. They can bluster all they want about how they are 'always changing their minds' but changing the way things are done is because things move forward and people learn from their mistakes.

You ARE a good mum. It's tough, it's a hell of a job, and, like any other job, there are always those who want to undermine and usurp your position. Hang in there!

Twinklestar2 · 26/04/2016 09:45

Alim - I thought so . I am too so recognise all the signs.

I know it's hard but try and ignore and carry on your way. You are doing well!! And the proof will be when baby is thriving.

My mum told me to give baby water, I just lied and said I was. I got told not to put my son in a routine and he needed to get used to late nights at Nanny's house. I just did my own thing and he's a really good sleeper! I got told to give baby rice. I ignored and did BLW and she's amazed at how he feeds himself!

So my advice is to nod and smile, do it your own way and show them that you and baby are doing well.

Good luck

Original poster

Alim11 · 26/04/2016 09:54

All of their adult children feel controlled by them but because of the cultural background no one challenges them. @twinklestar2 I've heard the same spiel they even tell me I'm spoiling her because I won't let her cry and I always hold her but she is around them they always hold her too. Asian parents/grandparents are hard work I hope I never impart this type of ethos on my child . I use the sensitive wipes and I haven't had any problems except the neck thing which I now feel better about. What is everyone's thoughts on using talcum powder I didn't want too but now I feel like I should to stop prone areas rubbing? Xx

OP posts:

OnTheRise · 26/04/2016 09:58

Your in-laws are bullying you and your husband should protect you from them, not tell you to "open your mouth".

Your baby is fine, and you're doing a really good thing by breastfeeding her.

If you are still worried about the tiny bit of redness on her neck, ask your health visitor to take a look. She'll tell you it's normal, babies get those little patches, and that you're doing fine. Then if your in laws bring it up again tell them you were so concerned you had her checked out by a medical professional who told you you were doing an excellent job of looking after your baby.

It's hard, having a new baby. Your family should be supporting you, not criticising you. Stay away from your in laws for a while, and get your emotional balance back. If your husband wants to see them that's fine: but he doesn't take your baby there without you, as she needs to be with you to feed for now.

I hope you're ok.

nousernames · 26/04/2016 10:09

I mean this in the kindest possible way but you're going to have to toughen up a bit.

Your child will only be a tiny baby for such a short time and you'll either look back on this time with such fond memories or rose tinted glasses in my case or regret that you allowed someone else to marr such a special time by making you feel like shit when they should be supporting you.

Don't visit 3 times a week and if they ask why say time with the baby is so precious and you'd rather enjoy it then sit around feeling judged. I'm quite quiet with very loud ils so I know how difficult it is but I will not be a martyr letting people make me feel like shit and then regretting it later. I really empathise with you because I'm coming to the end of my mat leave and all I can think at the minute is how short my time with ds has been.

Also my dm and dmil are obsessed with giving babies water - God knows why. That's a battle I can't be arsed with so I just used to lie and say I had hypocrite

nousernames · 26/04/2016 10:09

I mean this in the kindest possible way but you're going to have to toughen up a bit.

Also my dm and dmil are obsessed with giving babies water - God knows why. That's a battle I can't be arsed with so I just used to lie and say I had hypocrite

nousernames · 26/04/2016 10:09

I mean this in the kindest possible way but you're going to have to toughen up a bit.

Also my dm and dmil are obsessed with giving babies water - God knows why. That's a battle I can't be arsed with so I just used to lie and say I had hypocrite

nousernames · 26/04/2016 10:13

Gah I obviously wanted you to read my post so much that I posted it 3 times! Sorry op!

Also in answer to your other question, I don't actually know what talc is for . We have loads of the stuff and I just stick it on my hair when ds doesn't give me time to wash it.

Original poster

Alim11 · 26/04/2016 10:18

I'm feeling a lot better now. Even if I use the GP stance my FIL thinks he's a doctor as well so I always get oh they don't know what they are talking about. I think distancing myself is the best option even though I will be met with much criticism ( oh she's a bad daughter in law etc) . I know deep down inside not having my parents support means that i am questioning myself as a mother and parent so much more. My husband has a very don't care what people think attitude so he can't understand how I can't switch off my emotions. He is in the dog house with them at the minute because apparently he isn't "fulfilling his duties as a son". He has tried to distance our family from theirs and he seems to think that was the reasoning behind my FIL rude behaviour. It's no excuse but I just don't want to develop a bad mum complex because I know it will affect my self esteem when it comes to parenting . Although I must say now I feel really good about myself now due to this forum haha I think I will be posting more often xxx

OP posts:

Carrotpuree · 26/04/2016 10:25

Pleased to see you being more positive about yourself. You are a good mummy, we've all learned that there are better ways to do some tasks & babies don't come with a manual. Give yourself time away & build up your confidence with your baby then take the excellent advice above & have some stock phrases replied. 'She's fine, thanks' a d a big smile while firmly holding onto baby works well with my MIL's offer to hold / feed / change our baby. Practice a few in the mirror while holding baby - firm hold, big smile, thanks for kind offer to (do unnecessary) but no. And then perhaps suggest time we must be going

Original poster

Alim11 · 26/04/2016 10:28

@nousernames haha where does this obsession with water come from lol! Everyday I hear it too.. And I don't wanna lie to them because I know if I say I have done it they will run to give the baby some. In fact I don't know how I got convinced to do this but MIL was pressurising me to express (even though BF hasn't really been fully established yet) . I did it once and she took the bottle from me to feed the baby. It was weird but I never thought anything of the importance of BF but when i saw her feeding the child I got so sad inside it made me realise how sacred motherhood is. I know she just wants to bond with the baby hence why I let her bath my baby. God I thought having the baby was the hardest bit ...

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 26/04/2016 10:28

Alim11, Im glad you have found this forum. The is soooo much good advice on here.

Reading your story is also really helpful for the people who can't, for whatever reason, post, so they are getting the benefit, too. All the best

FinallyHere · 26/04/2016 10:29

Alim11, Im glad you have found this forum. The is soooo much good advice on here.

Reading your story is also really helpful for the people who can't, for whatever reason, post, so they are getting the benefit, too. All the best

SparkleSoiree · 26/04/2016 10:34

All my three had the rash on their neck. You are not doing anything wrong.

I know it's very early days but find your voice, get your hubby onside and get those inlaws out of the house and welcome them back on your terms, not theirs. It may cause a little bit of bristling at first but making changes usually does. Nip their behaviour in the bud before they make a habit of it.

Congratulations on baby by the way!

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