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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My parents hate my OH

62 replies

Bumpk1n · 24/04/2016 21:58

Hello
I posted a few weeks ago about my parents hating my OH, I asked for it to be pulled she to identifying info.
Basically they hate him because they think he's too old for me, 6 years, looks older than he is and isn't good looking enough. They also think he drinks too much, is a 'lad' and lazy because he can't drive, he is learning.
I live at home. Was given lots of advice saying they are toxic and move out into a room. Which was very helpful. I have looked at rooms and are going to see some soon.

Reason for posting is I've had another earful this evening and I need to get it out.
They went to a friends for dinner last night and her son and his GF were there. My dad said it was another example of how unsuitable my OH is for me, as we don't look good together, unlike this couple, a couple I've never met before!
Me being with OH is rubbing their nose in it. It's eating away at my dad. He sees couples 'everywhere' who suit each other and it makes him upset. My OH looks like an old uncle when he stands next to me. He said he wishes I would just move in with OH And get it over and done with so he can grieve. Grieve? WTAF?!
We bumped into my dad in the shops yesterday so I knew something would be said this evening and when I got home I could sense the atmosphere.
I just went downstairs to get a drink and he tried to start again, I firmly repeated no I'm tired I've got work tomorrow I don't need this. He kept trying but mum told him to leave it. As I walked upstairs I heard him say "end it with him for our sakes" and that sentence sums it up completely. It's all about them, how they feel Sad
I don't need posts telling me to move out, those wheels are in motion, I just need a bit of hand holding as I'm very upset. I love my OH, it was our one year anniversary the other day and he was so thoughtful and romantic. He is a good man and they can't see it.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 25/04/2016 18:18

I advise you to stop trying to reason with them. They're unreasonable people and they are never going accept that they're in the wrong. You're just going to have to trust yourself... and us, and the authors of the various books on toxic parents, and your counsellor if you get one... Do you see my point? There are plenty of reasonable people who will agree with you, but your parents aren't in that category.

I think I posted on your deleted thread to suggest getting your own place rather than moving in with your boyfriend. Even if you only get your own place for 6 months and then move in with him, it would be good for you to live independently for a bit.

Lottapianos · 25/04/2016 21:52

Very much agree with AnotherEmma, about getting your own place first and about not trying to reason with your parents. They sound like unreasonable people who will not take your feelings into account so don't waste your energy

Itslikeyoureadmymind · 25/04/2016 22:17

Well for one thing, 6 years is not an age gap when you're in your 20s/30s. My OH is 10 years older than me, i don't consider this to be an "age gap".
If you love your OH and know him to be a good partner, then that's the important fact, not your parents disapproval. If you are in a position to, move out. At least then you won't have to put up with any atmosphere.
What a horrible situation OP. Take care.

springydaffs · 25/04/2016 22:34

Blimey. Your parents are seriously dysfunctional people Shock

Or, rather, toxic. Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It's all there. You will recognise what you read.

I do hope you get your own place soon. You are 27 not 7. Though even at 7 what they are saying would be seriously inappropriate. They are seriously disordered people.

I keep using the word serious - but this IS serious. You've had this insanity your whole life and probably don't realise how bad it is. I'm not surprised you have had problems forming friendships when you've had parents like this. Why didn't they just go to a shop and get some good-looking mannequins instead of real life children.

I'm so glad you've found a good, kind man. Put your focus into that relationship. I wish you all happiness Bump Flowers [hand to hold]

1stsignofspring2016 · 26/04/2016 08:11

I would have moved out a long time ago

Panadbois · 26/04/2016 08:24

They still have an adult/ child relationship with you. Are you happy with that dynamic?
Assert yourself as a grown up, as an equal. Thank them for their views but you don't agree, tell them that's the ens of it. Tell them to shut up or loose you.
If you were a man, MN would be calling you a mummy's boy.
Concentrate on making your life a happy and fulfilling one FOR YOU. Sounds like they won't settle for anyone so stop trying to please them!
Does OH know you're meaning to move out? He mightbtake the hint Wink

RavioliOnToast · 26/04/2016 09:12

There's 7 years between me and my DH, I'm 23, he is 30. We got together when I was 20 and got married when I was 21. Anyway what I'm trying to say is age is completely irrelevant, they need to step back and if they have their reservations about your OH, they need to be there for you if and when it goes sour (I'm not saying it will btw). They have an unhealthy interest in your relationship.

Are you an only child?

Original poster
Bumpk1n · 26/04/2016 10:43

Thank you for your replies.

They aren't too concerned with the actual age, it's that they think he looks like he is in his 40s and is ugly. One phrase they have used, is I look like a bit of fluff on the arm of a middle aged man.

I am unable to assert myself as they call me a silly girl. And while I live under their roof I have to do as they say, including being talked at for hours on end going over the same old shit. If my dad is feeling like expressing his concerns an argument then it will go on until he decides he's had enough, even if that's midnight and we have work the next day. I'm not allowed to take the high ground and walk away. Even when I briefly lived with my ex, who they hated and was banned from their house, when I went round for dinner the arguments would start again.

No I'm not an only child. I have a younger sister who bought her own place recently. She stated dating a man who funnily enough is the same age gap between myself and OH and can't drive, he hasn't met the parents yet. They went round for Sunday lunch recently and asked whether they would be meeting him, apparently he had gone to see his parents for the weekend, whether that's true or not I don't know. My dad is only child, relevant I don't know.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 26/04/2016 11:01

'I am unable to assert myself as they call me a silly girl'

Yet more emotional abuse. Its disgraceful for them to treat you like this OP. I'm so glad for you that you're getting out.

People who tell you to just walk away if your dad starts up, or tell them you're not interested in their opinion or whatever, don't realise how much having parents like this destroys your sense of self. As a child of parents like this, you have been well-conditioned to put their needs first, and to feel afraid of their disapproval. It can feel downright terrifying to stand up to parents like this. The best thing is to put physical distance between them and you, that will make emotional distance easier to achieve with time. Please keep reminding yourself that their behaviour is very wrong, and that you do not have to accept it

ReySkywalker · 26/04/2016 11:19

Well done on telling your dad that you wouldn't listen as you had work the next day, that may be nothing to some but to a 'good girl' it would take a lot of courage.

It must feel awful to have always done as they asked and never feel like you're good enough.

They have a vested interest in ensuring you never feel good enough, they want you to keep trying and trying for their approval. I promise there will never come a day when they say 'well done, we're so happy for you that you're happy in a relationship'
I'm so sorry because that's unfair and shit for you but it's time to start pleasing yourself now, best of luck xxx

Original poster
Bumpk1n · 26/04/2016 11:27

I am definitely afraid of their disapproval. When I met OH and he told me he couldn't drive, my first thought was well dad isn't going to like that.

I have no idea what sort of mood they will be in when I get home on Wednesday evening. Either I'll be sat down and talked at, as they have been going over it all while I haven't been there, they might have decided he is banned from the house as seeing us "together is too distressing and is making my mother ill". Or nothing will be mentioned until they decide to bring it up again

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 26/04/2016 11:33

Bumpk1n, if they do try to 'sit you down' and talk at you, how would it feel to refuse to engage? To tell them that you're aware they don't like your OH, they have made that clear, but that you're an adult, he's a lovely man and you've made your choice and you won't be discussing it any further? How do you think that would go?

The 'making your mother ill' line is classic emotionally abusive behaviour too. It's designed to pile the guilt on and make you get in line. And its likely total bullshit. If your mother is feeling ill because her adult daughter is in a happy relationship, then the problem is most definitely with her, not you.

Original poster
Bumpk1n · 26/04/2016 11:38

I do refuse to engage. I've said I'm not discussing it as its all been said before and it's rubbish. If I sit there not saying anything I get told I've got nothing to say because I know they are correct!
I've told them I'm an adult and can make my own choices but they say they have been around a lot longer and know the ways of the world much better than I do therefore they are right. I am not with someone my 'equal' and it their job as parents to tell me so I can't turn around in 5, 10, 20 years time and say why didn't you tell me

OP posts:
TrafficJunkie · 26/04/2016 11:41

Please try to stand up to them and don't he afraid. Easier said than done. But try.

Lottapianos · 26/04/2016 11:44

'I've told them I'm an adult and can make my own choices but they say they have been around a lot longer and know the ways of the world much better than I do therefore they are right. '

Oh god Bumpk1n, they're just impossible. Its like being transported back in time to when I used to get the same grief from my parents. Every time I challenged them, I would get told how they had more life experience than me, it was all for my own good and that I was 'very difficult to advise'. They can never and will never see me as an adult who is capable of making good decisions. Its like banging your head really really hard against a brick wall. I don't do it anymore and have very low contact with them.

I'm so sorry Bumpk1n, its absolutely dreadful. Well done for standing up for yourself. I'm so glad that you have a nice man in your life

TrafficJunkie · 26/04/2016 11:53

It doesn't matter if you even make bad choices. As an adult you are entitled to make whichever choices you wish and then face the consequences.
I'm glad my parents aren't like this.

coffeeisnectar · 26/04/2016 11:55

Good grief, that sounds draining!

FWIW my partner is 11 years older than me. And he's bald, slightly overweight, wears glasses and definitely looks his years. I have always looked young for my age (still getting asked for ID at 25) and even now in my late 40's have hardly any wrinkles or lines. We look at odds with each other.

But he makes me incredibly happy. He's funny, kind, sweet, loving, adores my kids. I've known him since I was 16 and we dated for 2 years when I was 18 and he was 29. My parents never said a word. As long as I was being treated with respect they allowed me to crack on with life and said nothing. We got back together 4 years ago.

You know this relationship with your parents is toxic. You know your man makes you happy. I appreciate the wheels are in motion to move out and as soon as you do I'd suggest changing your phone number and cutting contact unless it's on your terms.

Go, live your life, be happy. It's YOUR life, not theirs.

Original poster
Bumpk1n · 26/04/2016 12:31

I am young looking for my age, people always guess early 20s.
They say it upsets them that their 'beautiful daughter who should have the pick of all men has chosen someone who isn't worthy'
Some of the phrases they come out with sound from a Jane Austen book or similar.
I met OH online and at the time said to my mum I wouldn't date someone who lived with his parents. I said this due to needing a bit of space, my ex lived with his parents and we were never alone, it's hard work. My parents have taken it as I am only with OH because he has his own house. Well I haven't moved in have I? I respect that it's his house that his hard work has bought and if he doesn't want me there then that fair enough. It upsets me that they think I only want him for his house. He is many other things than a house

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumpk1n · 26/04/2016 12:41

I've read that back and it's makes me sound as bad as them.
I only meant it as in it would be nice to have a place where we can be ourselves. When I was with my ex, because he was banned from the house, all our time was spent at his mums and she was a bit overbearing and we never were alone.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 26/04/2016 12:41

Why do you still live at home?

Not a criticism. I'm just wondering at the circumstances surrounding this.

This is utterly bizarre. They are weirdly shallow. It's so strange.

Original poster
Bumpk1n · 26/04/2016 12:42

Yes there are financial circumstances and also health circumstances. Until recently I haven't been in a position to move out

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 26/04/2016 12:57

Was the possibility of staying with your sister discussed on your last thread? Or storing your belongings at her house if you moved into a flat/house share without enough space for your stuff? I'm not sure if I'm confusing you with another thread, but I do wonder if that might be a possibility. I don't think you should back to your parents' house at all.

Original poster
Bumpk1n · 26/04/2016 13:03

AnotherEmma, that was my last thread. I would not want to drag her into it. She's gained her independence and I'm happy for me.
Although, she's probably dragged into it already as no doubt my parents have raised their 'concerns' with her. She has probably agreed with them. Just like I did with them over her ex.
It's taken til now to realise how poisonous they are.
I've just remembered something. My dad knows a man who's son was in my year at school. This man told my dad his son has just purchased a very ££££ house and is doing very well in his career. He has a girlfriend who must have anorexia or something like that. My dad said to us that he needs to get rid of her as people like that will hold him back! I couldnt believe it when I heard him say that. I told him that what he said was disgusting and for someone who works in mental health they should know better!

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 26/04/2016 13:53

I don't know but a man who owns a house tells me he is a work worker and successful. If it seem swallow, so be it, I take him over someone who doesn't do anything (very unattractive)

But looks should not matter, and other is a saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" so just because they think he is not attractive enough for you does not mean you find him unattractive.

AND if you two click, talk about anything and everything, get along fine and enjoy each other company etc. Then that's all it matters.

blueberrypie0112 · 26/04/2016 13:54

(sorry, my phone makes too many auto correction even if I spell it right, frustrating)