Ill Friend obsessed with my Dead Husband

[CuspoftheWave]

Sorry, I have had to name change and will be a bit careful with details in case this is identifying...

My husband died 7 years ago after a 12 month battle with cancer. It was, obviously, awful but I am now happily starting a relationship (well, 6 months ago) with a lovely man.

When DH was alive, we were very good friends with a couple - we went on holiday together many times, spent a lot of time together, and DH and I are godparents to their children. DH knows her from university.

This couple have now split and also the lady, lets call her Ann, has become more obsessed with my husband as 'the one who got away.' She (I realise I could just block her, but that doesn't feel right either) has changed almost all her pics on Facebook to one's of him, and often posts long rambling posts about her 'true love' and how she should 'have gone for it in 2000' (which is pretty much when me and DH had got together.) She has also talked about how she 'knew there was a spark' and I am finding it very upsetting. For what it's worth, I never EVER thought there was even the vaguest spark between them, they were just very good old friends (and I am normally quite intuitive about these things.)

However.... about the same time as DH died, she was diagnosed with 'a slow growing brain tumour' and this has possibly (although she, and various other also close friends, say her current mood and situation is not related to that - I don't know enough about brain issues to know how these things can work.) She is still working full time, and holds down a good job with lots of responsibility but is now also registered disabled and walks with crutches and lives in sheltered housing. I have moved to Scotland, she is still down south, so I am not able to visit easily but do tend to keep in touch via email at least twice a month (I am a bit rubbish at phone calls as I am knackered in the evening!)

I am getting more and more upset about the situation but now don't feel as if I know her any more. However, it's not a simple case of cutting her out of my life (which feels awful in itself due to her situation and possible deterioration) as we have many mutual friends. I also don't feel right talking to her about it as, despite what some might have said, she seems quite vulnerable and as if she is living on a different planet (her posts and things she has said imply this, I can't give too much detail) but I am finding it more and more distressing.

What can I, if anything, do....?

(thanks for reading, if nothing else it has helped me vent!)

[springydaffs]

skuttle of course.

[CuspoftheWave]

Hi, sorry to be delayed in responses - on phone! (To boyfriend, back shortly!)

[Skylander01]

How rude! I feel for you and would be fuming with this woman. On another note, I have a brain tumour and apparently I should be out sleeping around and shouting at everybody! It depends on where the tumour is, but if its in the right frontal part of the brain then it DOES affect the personality. It sounds more like self pity though, and the fact that she has been told she is going to die sooner rather than later! Maybe she is looking back on her life with a glass half empty. I have anger issues but I still know right from wrong. I would definitely remind her, gently, that your late husband was happily married to you - not her. What a loon!

[GarlicShake]

I'm sorry, Cups, I'm not reading this thread for various reasons. I have a potentially relevant experience to share.

My best friend died from a brain tumour. She was mis-diagnosed for many years and, with hindsight, it had been affecting her both physically and mentally for a long time before the tumour was found (or even looked for - other story!)

During her last two years of life, she hated me. Worse: she hated and feared me. I just had to suck it up. The brain controls everything about us: thoughts, emotions, reasoning and all of our physical responses. My friend went through phases of extreme paranoia, uncontrollable spending (this is an almost universal symptom, btw,) and a whole mess of other stuff. Had she been otherwise well, one might have thought she'd developed schizophrenia.

Until the final three years or so, she maintained her shit-hot business skills although not her judgement. You can't look at a single aspect of a personality and say that, if it functions well, the whole person must be fine.

Your friend's obsession is clearly unreasonable and not sane. How you deal with it is up to you. Given my experience, I'd be inclined to distance myself very rapidly from her. I don't think you can expect it to get better and it may get worse. I might tell her (in writing) that I found her adoration of my husband upsetting and felt it best to call time ... but this would only be in case she gets better and reverts to normal.

[GarlicShake]

I'm sorry to hear of your illness, Sky.

[Atenco]

I have a friend who had a brain tumor and she really did say some bizarre things, accusing loyal friends of having plotted behind her back and suchlike. This was before she told me she had the brain tumor. In the last few months she was back to her sweet self though.

[blueberrypie0112]

I would make sure she have support system (family, friends) for her tumor, then after knowing she will be well cared for, cut all ties. I don't know if it is tumor, but I doubt it. I believe she is doing it intentionally, knowing you w9how be upset.Who knows?

[OllyBJolly]

Yes, brain tumours can affect personality and make people do very strange, irrational things. The situation you describe sounds as if it is the tumour. Only 1% of cancer funding goes on brain tumour research, despite it being the biggest cancer killer of under 40s. Brain tumours are not well understood.

The brain tumour might be slow growing but its location will determine the effects and the life expectancy. It's a devastating diagnosis and will necessitate frequent scans, appointments, maybe even surgery, radiotherapy and/or chemotherapy. (And most chemotherapy isn't as effective because the brain rejects the chemicals) Fewer than 20% of brain tumour patients survive five years after diagnosis. There are also side effects such as depression, anxiety etc.

This doesn't make things easier for you but might explain the friend's odd behaviour. I think if you confront her she'll be convinced that she is right, and she was "the one" - and that could be so upsetting for you. It might be better just to turn off the Facebook notifications, and let her slide into the background. It's not her, there's no substance to the claims, it's the tumour.

[BoatyMcBoat]

Can you ask her ex how the tumour is affecting her perceptions, and talk about your dh and how her delusion is affecting you? I would want to talk to someone who loves/loved her and is still in the loop. She was there for you when you needed her, and now she needs you. You need to find out more about her for both your sakes.

[OnTheRise]

It is sad that she's doing this. It is sad that she's single and lonely and estranged from her children. It is sad that she has regrets about her lack of a relationship with your husband.

BUT NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

You have a number of options, as I see it.

You can unfollow her on Facebook, or even unfriend her there, so you don't see her disturbing posts. Then if you're ever asked about them, or her, you can tell your mutual friends something like, "I found the comments she made about my husband upsetting and inappropriate, so I stopped reading them. I wish her well but am not going to put up with that."

You can confront her. This doesn't have to be a big challenge: you could just comment on one of her Facebook posts, "My lovely husband was very fond of you as a friend, but that's all. I'm sorry you have so many unresolved feelings for him: it must be difficult to know that they were never reciprocated."

I would be tempted to do both. If she isn't told how inappropriate she's being she might not realise it. A comment like that might be the shove she needs to sort herself out; and if you haven't told her, she won't know how you feel. If she continues these odd, rambling posts after you've told her how you feel then she isn't deserving of your time or friendship, and you can then move on knowing you've done the right thing.

And if any of your mutual friends gets in your face over it, they can sod off. You have a right to defend your feelings, so long as you do so in a reasonable and clear way.

[A4Document]

I don't know if it is tumor, but I doubt it. I believe she is doing it intentionally

Why would a good friend suddenly change and do that kind of thing intentionally, if it's completely out of character? Why do you doubt that it may well be the tumour?

[blueberrypie0112]

Because she started doing this after her split with her husband. She probably never liked OP.

[blueberrypie0112]

And that she was able to stay quiet about it before the split.

[GarlicShake]

Unless Cups is in close contact with the friend's ex, she can't know whether their split was prompted by her weird behaviours - which could be explained by the disease.

The reasons why she's doing it feel important. But, in fact, the reasons don't alter what Cups is going through. It's not as if she can make a play for Mr Cups now. She's acting out a fantasy, whatever her reasons.

I think everyone's agreed it has to be better to drop/block/hide/unfollow this friend. How Cups chooses to approach it might depend on what kind of contact she has with friend's network.

[GarlicShake]

I may as well add, blueberry, posts like yours are the main reason I couldn't read the first couple of pages! It's a long time now since my friend died, but I'm not completely "over it". I can just imagine the replies I'd have got if Mumsnet had been around then!

[blueberrypie0112]

I am sorry, I am just assuming, it doesn't mean I am right.

[blueberrypie0112]

Just that this is her husband's friend... I find it hard to be friends with my husband friend myself.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

I would probably write her a short letter explaining how her posts make you feel and that you would prefer it if she didn't do it so publicly out of respect for you.

The reasons why don't matter so much but playing out the fantasy in such a public fashion is thoughtless so she needs telling. Especially if her condition means she is struggling with understanding emotions.

[blueberrypie0112]

Garlic, I just read your post, I am sorry about your friend. I know very little about tumor even though I did worked in a nursing home with those who does have them but they were seldom in my assigned floor.

My sister just started her research job with the Neurology dept. And as time goes on, she probably explain more in this because she will be dealing with people with tumors.

Still, because this woman is a friend of her husband from his Univ. , I always feel that she is slightly like an in-laws, she is protective of her OP's husband. Which is total separate issue from tumor.

[tb]

I think the previous posts about not following her on Facebook are a really good idea.

Also, I think the post suggested by Ontherise of "

My lovely husband was very fond of you as a friend, but that's all. I'm sorry you have so many unresolved feelings for him: it must be difficult to know that they were never reciprocated."

hits just the right note.

It doesn't sound bitchy and may make some of your mutual friends feel a bit guilty, but so what? It almost seems a bit as if they've dropped their concerns about you being widowed to rally around the latest concern in your 'circle'. Doesn't really hurt to remind them that you are still you, and, although you are moving on in the your new post-DH life, this seriously-ill friend re-writing the past and a massive chunk of your life is - unacceptable, untrue, deeply-wounding etc at best, and, at worst malicious and shit-stirring of the worst sort.

Her marriage failed, presumably through no fault of either you or your late DH. Only the 2 people in the marriage can say why, and the real reason is possibly/probably a mid-point between the 2 opposing points of view in the vast majority of cases (except for DV/other types of abuse, obviously).

Her ex-DH can say why - but only from his pov, and their dc from their pov, but only the fly on the wall could really say.

You have said that some of her bizarre behaviour sounds a bit like someone who's drunk. Think of it as just that - ie the drunken ramblings of someone who feels they've cocked up their life and is sitting in the corner, tears streaming about their face having had several too many gins saying that 'X' was really their only one true love (about 20+ years before) and they should've gone for it. That person would be completely mortified the morning after and would be hoping that it was either a bad dream and if it hadn't been that everyone else was so pissed that they wouldn't remember.

Enjoy your time with getting to know your man, and tell yourself very firmly that it's either the illness, the drugs she must be taking to control it, or a very maudlin review of her life by someone who either knows or feels that they don't have much time left.

[springydaffs]

BUT NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Then whose responsibility is it? If everyone says 'not my problem' then yes I guess she can die alone, nobody's problem.

I was surprised when I read your suggestion, Garlic, that op cuts off her friend. But I haven't been through what you've been through and therefore don't have the experience.

I do hope at least somebody, or a group of somebodies, can step up for her somehow.

[GarlicShake]

Thanks, Blueberry :) Actually my friend did become an in-law! She married my brother (my friends can't say I never do anything for them, heh.) I went through the processes of wondering whether she'd always secretly seen me as evil, or thought I was jealous of her relationship with DB, etc. But as her mental symptoms increased at a furious pace, it became clear the tumour was really fucking with her personality.

I maintained gentle contact at arm's length. I had to meet my brother secretly, which was bloody uncomfortable but pragmatic in the circumstances. One of her final outings before going into the hospice full-time was a family party, when she was like my old best friend again - although in a wheelchair and all puffed up from the meds. So, she didn't die hating me. I'm glad we had that.

[springydaffs]

Ach, that sounds like I'm piling on the emotional blackmail. Not my intention at all. Just a disquiet about the general theme that we all always see to me and mine, no exceptions.

Which excludes op in this instance as normal rules don't apply. Bereaved people get a special dispensation imo.

[CuspoftheWave]

Hi,
I have taken some of the great advice given here and emailed her. I am yet to get a response but she is at work during the day so that's not a surprise. I was very pleasant about it, but said I was finding it upsetting and thought it inappropriate. I also added that I realise she is in a tough situation at the moment and i was ready to lend an ear or, if possible, hand if she needed me (as she has with me in the past) but I felt as if the DH infatuation was disrespectful towards our friendship.
I will keep you posted with any response....

BTW while she is friends with DH due to uni, we did also become very much friends on our own terms. Possibly more so at first as we are both female and, hence, had more in common. She and DH were friends as uni but not hugely close, they were more part of the same social group and then moved to London around the same time (didn't flat share or anything.)

Thanks again for the replies and insights, I am finding it really therapeutic to be able to discuss it

[ChasingPavements]

Cusp, I think that's a lovely email. Considered, gracious and kind. I do hope that your friend is respectful of both your email and also your friendship and realises what she has done is inappropriate.

I wish you well