Ill Friend obsessed with my Dead Husband

[CuspoftheWave]

Sorry, I have had to name change and will be a bit careful with details in case this is identifying...

My husband died 7 years ago after a 12 month battle with cancer. It was, obviously, awful but I am now happily starting a relationship (well, 6 months ago) with a lovely man.

When DH was alive, we were very good friends with a couple - we went on holiday together many times, spent a lot of time together, and DH and I are godparents to their children. DH knows her from university.

This couple have now split and also the lady, lets call her Ann, has become more obsessed with my husband as 'the one who got away.' She (I realise I could just block her, but that doesn't feel right either) has changed almost all her pics on Facebook to one's of him, and often posts long rambling posts about her 'true love' and how she should 'have gone for it in 2000' (which is pretty much when me and DH had got together.) She has also talked about how she 'knew there was a spark' and I am finding it very upsetting. For what it's worth, I never EVER thought there was even the vaguest spark between them, they were just very good old friends (and I am normally quite intuitive about these things.)

However.... about the same time as DH died, she was diagnosed with 'a slow growing brain tumour' and this has possibly (although she, and various other also close friends, say her current mood and situation is not related to that - I don't know enough about brain issues to know how these things can work.) She is still working full time, and holds down a good job with lots of responsibility but is now also registered disabled and walks with crutches and lives in sheltered housing. I have moved to Scotland, she is still down south, so I am not able to visit easily but do tend to keep in touch via email at least twice a month (I am a bit rubbish at phone calls as I am knackered in the evening!)

I am getting more and more upset about the situation but now don't feel as if I know her any more. However, it's not a simple case of cutting her out of my life (which feels awful in itself due to her situation and possible deterioration) as we have many mutual friends. I also don't feel right talking to her about it as, despite what some might have said, she seems quite vulnerable and as if she is living on a different planet (her posts and things she has said imply this, I can't give too much detail) but I am finding it more and more distressing.

What can I, if anything, do....?

(thanks for reading, if nothing else it has helped me vent!)

[mix56]

damn ......& I wouldn't be contacting her further, if she calls you, take it from there

[mix56]

Altho what timeliness is probably the kindest. I'm afraid I would post or send her a private message. & tell her that clearly you can't stop her from having regrets, but you don't personally wish to see her fantasise over YOUR deceased husband, it causes you distress, frankly while you have sympathy for her health issues? You are still the bereaved wife. so you wish her well, notify her that you are now DE-FRIENDing her.
She is not your friend in this instance, & I wouldn't be contacting her.

[228agreenend]

Lovely email. Sympathetic, but with the intended message.

[NameChange30]

*apologises

[NameChange30]

I'm glad you sent her an email, OP. I hope she apologies but if she doesn't, please don't feel bad about pulling back from the friendship. She does need support but it doesn't necessarily have to be you who provides it - not if she continues to hurt you with her comments (intentionally or not).

[CuspoftheWave]

ThatsNotMyRabbit I am possibly coming across so nicely because I don't quite know how to be about the situation, rather than the fact that I am exceptionally tolerant and understanding (if that makes sense!) When riled I also tend to explode and don't think which, in this circumstance, could be necessarily appropriate which is one of the reasons I started a thread on it instead.

[CuspoftheWave]

AIBU responses - "OP, get a grip - your friend is ill, just be grateful it's not you'' etc etc

I once posted in there about something and the responses were really nasty, only a few were actually constructive (constructive criticism is fine, nastiness for the sake of it isn't) hence I only lurk there now!

No response but booked in a long phone call with another old (mutual) friend this evening so will also discuss with her

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

I wouldn't be half as nice as you're being.

[springydaffs]

Some things shock us so much husky we go a bit rabbit in headlights I think.

Cusp, praise the lord god in heaven you didn't post in AIBU

[HuskyLover1]

Blimey, I really don't know how you've kept your cool - I would have been raging! Suffice to say, I would have commented on her FB ramble "What the hell are you talking about?"

See how she replies, but if it's anything less than hugely apologetic, then you really are going to have to toughen up with her. What she's doing is massively inappropriate, and I think perhaps you're being a bit too nice.

[CuspoftheWave]

Giraffes I agree about the wine!
Right, I better do some work but I shall undoubtably be popping back in later - thanks again!
(I am SO glad I didn't post this in AIBU, it could have been so very different....!)

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

Hope you get a positive/decent response OP.

If I were one of your mutual friends I'd feel uncomfortable raising this with you as it would perhaps imply that I thought "Ann" had some credibility. But I'd be desperate for you to raise it so that I could sympathise and offer help. If I were you I'd talk to one of them. Preferably with .

[Atenco]

Sounds like a good solution, Cusps. If it doesn't get the desired response, please do not hold it against her.

[strawberrysalsa]

I was talking about this thread with my daughter who is suffering brain damage as a result of an on going chronic health condition. She said that if it was her she would want to be told.

Something along the lines of 'you know your brain tumour is causing you problems, well the stuff you are saying about my husband are a bit odd and I'm finding them hard. Is there anything I can do to help?' Possibly not as blunt as that but acknowledging her problems and giving her chance to talk about them. She could well be feeling very scared and isolated, especially if her brain no longer belongs to her.

Not wanting to ignore how it's making you feel, you are obviously an awesome friend or you would have cut her off straight away for being so hurtful, but I do think your friend is needing someone to talk about the hard stuff with.

[GarlicShake]

Glad it's helping, Cusp - and sorry for misreading you as Cups! It's difficult, isn't it? Your message sounds great. Good luck!

Don't worry about it, Springy - it's a (fortunately) rare situation.

[ChasingPavements]

Cusp, I think that's a lovely email. Considered, gracious and kind. I do hope that your friend is respectful of both your email and also your friendship and realises what she has done is inappropriate.

I wish you well

[CuspoftheWave]

Hi,
I have taken some of the great advice given here and emailed her. I am yet to get a response but she is at work during the day so that's not a surprise. I was very pleasant about it, but said I was finding it upsetting and thought it inappropriate. I also added that I realise she is in a tough situation at the moment and i was ready to lend an ear or, if possible, hand if she needed me (as she has with me in the past) but I felt as if the DH infatuation was disrespectful towards our friendship.
I will keep you posted with any response....

BTW while she is friends with DH due to uni, we did also become very much friends on our own terms. Possibly more so at first as we are both female and, hence, had more in common. She and DH were friends as uni but not hugely close, they were more part of the same social group and then moved to London around the same time (didn't flat share or anything.)

Thanks again for the replies and insights, I am finding it really therapeutic to be able to discuss it

[springydaffs]

Ach, that sounds like I'm piling on the emotional blackmail. Not my intention at all. Just a disquiet about the general theme that we all always see to me and mine, no exceptions.

Which excludes op in this instance as normal rules don't apply. Bereaved people get a special dispensation imo.

[GarlicShake]

Thanks, Blueberry :) Actually my friend did become an in-law! She married my brother (my friends can't say I never do anything for them, heh.) I went through the processes of wondering whether she'd always secretly seen me as evil, or thought I was jealous of her relationship with DB, etc. But as her mental symptoms increased at a furious pace, it became clear the tumour was really fucking with her personality.

I maintained gentle contact at arm's length. I had to meet my brother secretly, which was bloody uncomfortable but pragmatic in the circumstances. One of her final outings before going into the hospice full-time was a family party, when she was like my old best friend again - although in a wheelchair and all puffed up from the meds. So, she didn't die hating me. I'm glad we had that.

[springydaffs]

BUT NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Then whose responsibility is it? If everyone says 'not my problem' then yes I guess she can die alone, nobody's problem.

I was surprised when I read your suggestion, Garlic, that op cuts off her friend. But I haven't been through what you've been through and therefore don't have the experience.

I do hope at least somebody, or a group of somebodies, can step up for her somehow.

[tb]

I think the previous posts about not following her on Facebook are a really good idea.

Also, I think the post suggested by Ontherise of "

My lovely husband was very fond of you as a friend, but that's all. I'm sorry you have so many unresolved feelings for him: it must be difficult to know that they were never reciprocated."

hits just the right note.

It doesn't sound bitchy and may make some of your mutual friends feel a bit guilty, but so what? It almost seems a bit as if they've dropped their concerns about you being widowed to rally around the latest concern in your 'circle'. Doesn't really hurt to remind them that you are still you, and, although you are moving on in the your new post-DH life, this seriously-ill friend re-writing the past and a massive chunk of your life is - unacceptable, untrue, deeply-wounding etc at best, and, at worst malicious and shit-stirring of the worst sort.

Her marriage failed, presumably through no fault of either you or your late DH. Only the 2 people in the marriage can say why, and the real reason is possibly/probably a mid-point between the 2 opposing points of view in the vast majority of cases (except for DV/other types of abuse, obviously).

Her ex-DH can say why - but only from his pov, and their dc from their pov, but only the fly on the wall could really say.

You have said that some of her bizarre behaviour sounds a bit like someone who's drunk. Think of it as just that - ie the drunken ramblings of someone who feels they've cocked up their life and is sitting in the corner, tears streaming about their face having had several too many gins saying that 'X' was really their only one true love (about 20+ years before) and they should've gone for it. That person would be completely mortified the morning after and would be hoping that it was either a bad dream and if it hadn't been that everyone else was so pissed that they wouldn't remember.

Enjoy your time with getting to know your man, and tell yourself very firmly that it's either the illness, the drugs she must be taking to control it, or a very maudlin review of her life by someone who either knows or feels that they don't have much time left.

[blueberrypie0112]

Garlic, I just read your post, I am sorry about your friend. I know very little about tumor even though I did worked in a nursing home with those who does have them but they were seldom in my assigned floor.

My sister just started her research job with the Neurology dept. And as time goes on, she probably explain more in this because she will be dealing with people with tumors.

Still, because this woman is a friend of her husband from his Univ. , I always feel that she is slightly like an in-laws, she is protective of her OP's husband. Which is total separate issue from tumor.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

I would probably write her a short letter explaining how her posts make you feel and that you would prefer it if she didn't do it so publicly out of respect for you.

The reasons why don't matter so much but playing out the fantasy in such a public fashion is thoughtless so she needs telling. Especially if her condition means she is struggling with understanding emotions.

[blueberrypie0112]

Just that this is her husband's friend... I find it hard to be friends with my husband friend myself.

[blueberrypie0112]

I am sorry, I am just assuming, it doesn't mean I am right.