Ill Friend obsessed with my Dead Husband

[CuspoftheWave]

Sorry, I have had to name change and will be a bit careful with details in case this is identifying...

My husband died 7 years ago after a 12 month battle with cancer. It was, obviously, awful but I am now happily starting a relationship (well, 6 months ago) with a lovely man.

When DH was alive, we were very good friends with a couple - we went on holiday together many times, spent a lot of time together, and DH and I are godparents to their children. DH knows her from university.

This couple have now split and also the lady, lets call her Ann, has become more obsessed with my husband as 'the one who got away.' She (I realise I could just block her, but that doesn't feel right either) has changed almost all her pics on Facebook to one's of him, and often posts long rambling posts about her 'true love' and how she should 'have gone for it in 2000' (which is pretty much when me and DH had got together.) She has also talked about how she 'knew there was a spark' and I am finding it very upsetting. For what it's worth, I never EVER thought there was even the vaguest spark between them, they were just very good old friends (and I am normally quite intuitive about these things.)

However.... about the same time as DH died, she was diagnosed with 'a slow growing brain tumour' and this has possibly (although she, and various other also close friends, say her current mood and situation is not related to that - I don't know enough about brain issues to know how these things can work.) She is still working full time, and holds down a good job with lots of responsibility but is now also registered disabled and walks with crutches and lives in sheltered housing. I have moved to Scotland, she is still down south, so I am not able to visit easily but do tend to keep in touch via email at least twice a month (I am a bit rubbish at phone calls as I am knackered in the evening!)

I am getting more and more upset about the situation but now don't feel as if I know her any more. However, it's not a simple case of cutting her out of my life (which feels awful in itself due to her situation and possible deterioration) as we have many mutual friends. I also don't feel right talking to her about it as, despite what some might have said, she seems quite vulnerable and as if she is living on a different planet (her posts and things she has said imply this, I can't give too much detail) but I am finding it more and more distressing.

What can I, if anything, do....?

(thanks for reading, if nothing else it has helped me vent!)

[FoxesSitOnBoxes]

Could you send her a message just saying "hi xxxxxx, I just wanted to let you know that I'm finding it really difficult to read your posts about xxxxxx. He obviously meant something to you but I'm sure you understand how upsetting this is for me. Thank you, Cusp"

[NameChange30]

You don't want to block her on FB.
You don't want to cut contact with her.
You don't want to talk to her and tell her you find her posts upsetting.

So what do you want to do?

There is no magic solution that doesn't involve doing any of the above.

The only thing left is to hope it blows over.

I wouldn't do that, though.

[Misnomer]

It sounds very distressing but it also sound very much like something that could be as a result of her brain tumour (as could the estrangement from her children, if that has also happened in the same time frame). It possible for a tumour to effect specific areas/networks and leave others intact meaning that she may seem entirely 'normal' in some domains but impaired in others.

I'm not sure what you could do other than raise your concerns with mutual friends and just unsubscribe from her newsfeed.

[sleeponeday]

Agree with Misnomer.

Horrible, horrible situation.

I'm really sorry for your loss, OP.

[forumdonkey]

Bless you, what a difficult situation. If it is strange behaviour for her it could be down the her tumour and that makes it hard but my heart goes out to you, it must be hurting reading these posts.

[sunnydayinmay]

In the circumstances, I wouldn't say anything, but would hide her from your newsfeed. Assuming she's not actually saying anything to your face.

It sounds a very sad situation all round.

[ohtheholidays]

I was going to suggest as Sunnyday has hide her from your Newsfeed OP,you don't need to here any of that.

[Joysmum]

That's brain tumors for you. So sad

[NameChange30]

By the way, if you do say something (which would be a good idea IMO) however you do it please make sure it's between the two of you. A phone call or email. NOT a comment on the Facebook post (which wild be mortifyingly public) or through a mutual friend. If you decide to say something, have the balls and the courtesy to say it to her directly. You can also use it as an opportunity to check in and see if she's generally ok (it sounds as if she isn't).

An additional or alternative option would be to unfollow her on Facebook, as PPs have suggested. It's a good option as it's less drastic than blocking her or deleting her as a friend, but it will stop her posts appearing in your news feed.

[NameChange30]

would not wild!

[mellicauli]

I have known several people with brain tumours and their behaviour has often been very upsetting to the people they love, in this kind if way: not quite following the rules of how one person treats another. i suspect she really doesn't know she is hurting you or that this is inappropriate. Try and see it as a symptom. Hide her posts on Facebook and check in with her every now and again without looking at her posts.

[CuspoftheWave]

Thanks everyone. It has really helped reading replies and responses.
I think when you have a close history with someone, like I do with my friend, it isn't as easy as you would think to block them out or, even, distance yourself when they are potentially in their hour of need. Mutual friends have been more focussed on helping her regarding where she is living (she used to turn up at various houses asking to stay, it was like she was drunk but she wasn't) and the more practical side. They also, as did / do I hold great affection to her and so maybe the fixation with my DH is the least of the issues (again, I am reluctant to give too many details but let it be said things have got VERY messy and I am amazed she still has the job she has.)

[LanaorAna1]

It's the brain tumour - try and ignore it. Don't be in thrall to it, for goodness' sake - haven't you suffered enough already? Stop looking at Facebook. Now. And call her for a talk about it. But put this to bed, it's not doing you any good.

[HarlotBronte]

This must be very hard. I sympathise. I don't know if I'd say anything, purely because it sounds like it's related to the brain tumour or something making her not behave normally, and if she can't see that this is inappropriate now it's hard to see how she'd learn from being told. Confrontation would have the potential to upset you even more. You never know what she might come out with.

[grumpysquash3]

I hope this isn't an inappropriate thing to say, but....

Is she religious? Or does she have a strong belief in life after death? Is it at all possible that given that she has a life limiting condition, and given that she was close friends with your DH, that she may see being 'reunited with him' as a comforting thing? It may be the only way for her to rationalize her situation.

The tumour could be making everything more extreme, too.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. But DH was yours, and that can never be taken.

I'm also pleased to hear you've found happiness with someone else :)

[Potatoface2]

as much as its upsetting for you, please be kind....brain tumours can alter someones personality drastically...she may even be unaware of whats shes doing....you say she still works....it may be that she goes to work but does little there....she cant be just sacked because she is ill...this whole story is tragic

[CuspoftheWave]

FB now off the newsfeed (I feel about 15 writing that, it sounds ridiculous) but do find it hard knowing how she is about DH regardless. Am trying to focus on the friend in need / tumour issue and not the other side of it, and reading your replies is helping.

Thank you xxx

Now, where's the wine....

[CuspoftheWave]

Grumpy no, not religious

[Bellyrub1980]

grumpysquash makes a really good point. She might feel comforted by the idea that her old friend is 'waiting' for her, but as her condition has deteriorated this one idea has developed into an obsession. It's like a coping mechanism for her.

Must be horrinle for you to watch though, on both levels!

You know the truth, that's all that matters.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I thought along the same lines as Grumpy. Not that it would be religious, but that if she feels she may die - and I think it's quietly likely that's the eventual prognosis with a brain tumour but I'm not 100% - maybe she's reaching for something to normalise that, and your DH can be that because he is already there. It's not something scary and unknown that she's doing on her own then, she can simply view it as a move back to him.

It would be easy for her to stretch from that need for someone who has already died to feeling a longing for him, and thinking they had a spark and were meant to be - because she's not dying then, she's going to do something that was always meant to happen. It's not the end of her life, its meeting the man of her dreams again.

I fully appreciate that it must be devastating for you but I don't think she's intending to hurt you, although she could be more restrained. It sounds like she wants it to be public that she's going to him so she's talked about in those terms afterwards, rather than that she died.

I could be miles off the mark but logically that makes more sense than her suddenly realising he was her one true love, I think.

[HarlotBronte]

I totally see why you find it hard OP. Just think you need to protect yourself, and it doesn't seem like anything would be achieved by raising it with her, if her brain tumour is affecting her behaviour. You could end up being even more upset and really you have enough on your plate right now!

[missymayhemsmum]

First thought- this is really wierd and outrageous.
Second thought, - this poor woman is dying, having perhaps not had the life she wanted. She is harkening back to a brief and possibly onesided 'spark' with a university friend, (ie when she was young) and is too ill to realise how she is hurting you.
Your late husband must have been a very special fella. Accepting that she loved him too (and maybe was more envious of you than you realised) doesn't take anything away from what you had together.

[228agreenend]

How horrible and distasteful for you. You definite need to get in contact ang get this stopped straight away. She is being really disrespectful to you and your late husband.

Either phone or write to her. I also think you need to post something on Facebook, along the lines of Autumnrose earlier. Her actions need to be stopped.

I know you don't to be unkind to her, as she has been a long term friend, and is also ill. However, if the gentle approach doesn't work, you will need to be tougher. If she continues posting, then her friendship with you will probably be destroyed anyway.

[CuspoftheWave]

Anchor i think you hit the nail on the head.

[ChasingPavements]

Anchor makes an excellent point I think. The woman is probably trying in some way to normalise what is happening to her, and in this case it is your late DH who has died before her - someone who she liked and respected. But now, with her illness muddying her mind, and quite likely a terrifying prognosis, she is trying to find some comfort in her situation. That comfort is your DH. I doubt if she has considered for a moment how this could come across to others, and especially to you.

You have been incredibly kind and gracious so far and I think that hiding her posts from your newsfeed is a good idea. It would be awful if you were to have it out with her publicly on Facebook, but I do think that you could/should mention it in one of your emails to her. Kindly, but let her know that when she says such things, you feel sad and hurt.