Ill Friend obsessed with my Dead Husband

[CuspoftheWave]

Sorry, I have had to name change and will be a bit careful with details in case this is identifying...

My husband died 7 years ago after a 12 month battle with cancer. It was, obviously, awful but I am now happily starting a relationship (well, 6 months ago) with a lovely man.

When DH was alive, we were very good friends with a couple - we went on holiday together many times, spent a lot of time together, and DH and I are godparents to their children. DH knows her from university.

This couple have now split and also the lady, lets call her Ann, has become more obsessed with my husband as 'the one who got away.' She (I realise I could just block her, but that doesn't feel right either) has changed almost all her pics on Facebook to one's of him, and often posts long rambling posts about her 'true love' and how she should 'have gone for it in 2000' (which is pretty much when me and DH had got together.) She has also talked about how she 'knew there was a spark' and I am finding it very upsetting. For what it's worth, I never EVER thought there was even the vaguest spark between them, they were just very good old friends (and I am normally quite intuitive about these things.)

However.... about the same time as DH died, she was diagnosed with 'a slow growing brain tumour' and this has possibly (although she, and various other also close friends, say her current mood and situation is not related to that - I don't know enough about brain issues to know how these things can work.) She is still working full time, and holds down a good job with lots of responsibility but is now also registered disabled and walks with crutches and lives in sheltered housing. I have moved to Scotland, she is still down south, so I am not able to visit easily but do tend to keep in touch via email at least twice a month (I am a bit rubbish at phone calls as I am knackered in the evening!)

I am getting more and more upset about the situation but now don't feel as if I know her any more. However, it's not a simple case of cutting her out of my life (which feels awful in itself due to her situation and possible deterioration) as we have many mutual friends. I also don't feel right talking to her about it as, despite what some might have said, she seems quite vulnerable and as if she is living on a different planet (her posts and things she has said imply this, I can't give too much detail) but I am finding it more and more distressing.

What can I, if anything, do....?

(thanks for reading, if nothing else it has helped me vent!)

[MummyBex1985]

Personally I would delete and block.

My DMIL had a slow growing brain tumour. She was physically ill but mentally, whilst she would come up with the odd statement "oh, have you parked your car in the loft?" Or take showers at 4am, she wouldn't be capable of a prolonged campaign like the one you're suggesting. The cynical part of me suspects that it isn't down to the brain tumour, but it could manifest itself in different ways I suppose.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think I see this possibly another way. You say that they were 'uni friends', but perhaps for her he was the 'one that got away'. Not to say that your DH was ever interested in her in that way, but that doesn't mean she didn't hide feelings from him or hasn't been 'carrying a torch' (or reignited one) for him for years. Or perhaps the breakup of her marriage has caused this. Perhaps somehow the pain of the breakup feels less to her if she convinces herself that she never really loved her ex, that she's always been 'in love' with your DH. Or perhaps she's hoping her ex will see her posts and be hurt that she's saying she 'never loved him'.

Unless there have been other types of out of character behaviour, I don't think it's the brain tumour. But whatever is causing it, I'm very sorry that it's happening. It must be so distressful to have someone casting their shadow on your memories.

It's not likely that talking or writing to her will do any good. Sounds to me as if she's either rekindled feelings for your late DH or is using him to cope with her failed marriage. Best just to block and ignore her.

[Hissy]

Personally, I'd defriend and withdraw.

Her presence in your life is hurting you. I dare Say there are plenty of people in her life who could have said something but haven't. Meanwhile what she is saying is hurting a real person who has suffered enough.

Whether it's her or the tumour, the effects are the same, you're suffering and that has to stop. You don't need to confront, you can just withdraw. Not a single soul would blame you.

Let someone else pick up the slack, this is not the role for you love.

[EverySongbirdSays]

This must be so hard for you

It is probably down to her illness

[hmcAsWas]

Whether it is down to her illness or not - enough is enough. You don't have to feel a continuing sense of responsibility.

[hmcAsWas]

Hissy put it better

[CuspoftheWave]

I realise it sounds far more sensible to simply to end the friendship but that feels easier said than done. I had numerous miscarriages and she was the friend who was there the most, she was the one who gave enormous support when I went though (unsuccessful) IVF and who offered to lend the money for a third go - she and her ex husband have been a huge support and I love them for that. But now... I can't help but feel hurt and disrespected, despite any reasons for me not to or to try and brush it aside.

This thread is being amazing therapy though, so thank you xx

[springydaffs]

Brain tumour aside, I imagine she's off her head bcs she's 'lost' her kids. How old are they? How come they're not there for her in her hour of need?

OK, I appreciate you can't give the details - but it is precisely family who manage, and cover for, someone who is behaving oddly bcs they're ill.

This sounds to be classic behaviour for someone with a brain tumour. As excruciating as it is for you, there sounds to be noone to cover for her or reign her in. It is abysmally sad.

[CuspoftheWave]

I don't want to, and will never, respond to anything public via Facebook (tbh I very rarely do anyway but that is beside the point!) I may write, but it certainly would not be public or even via email. But, due to the tumour and various other things, I don't know if even that is worth doing - it's doing it for me rather than 'us' and really, is it worth it when she is so ill?
I am confused!

[CuspoftheWave]

AutumnRose she was, but this feels too painful to brush aside too! Hence the dilemma!

[Cel982]

I think timelytess got it right. This isn't about you, but you know that already. I don't think it's even really about your husband. This is a woman with a very serious, brain-altering condition who is possibly, judging by the other strange behaviours you've mentioned, coming to the end of her life. Actually, it sounds like she might be having a genuine existential crisis, and trying to make some sense of her life and give some meaning to it.

It's very sad and upsetting, but it changes absolutely nothing about your relationship with your lovely husband, and from the fact that her posts are being politely ignored by everyone, it's clear that other people understand that too. I wouldn't engage with her on this issue at all; hiding her posts is a good idea. You can still be there for her to a degree that you're comfortable with, but don't feel bad if you need to withdraw a little to protect yourself.

[CuspoftheWave]

So much sense being talked on this thread, I am SO glad I didn't opt for AIBU!

I agree it changes nothing about my relationship with DH, of course it doesn't. I never suspected anything untoward between them ever - they were good mates but certainly nothing else. And I mean that in the nicest possible way! She never even vaguely seemed interested in him any other way either, that is why it is so weird and a shock.
She currently works as a teacher so I am not sure how that can tie in with the illness side of things (she's apparently very good, still) but her out of work behaviour is quite rambling and worrying and a complete contrast. She has driven to friends houses at silly o'clock and stayed for days (school holidays, obviously) without even bringing a purse or spare pair of knickers.

[Bellyrub1980]

Out of interest, has she ever said anything directly to you about him being 'the one'? Does she talk openly about it with you or does she avoid the issue completely?

If she's open about it even in private conversations with you, I think that means it's more likely down to behavioural change with the tumour. If, however, she avoids the subject completely, it would seem as though she has more insight.

[CuspoftheWave]

No, never mentioned with me directly but our communication has been largely email based for the past couple of years (pretty much since 'it' started) so it's not quite the same as being face to face I suppose

[crazyhead]

Have you got a mutual friend to discuss this with? Someone who sees her a lot, has extra context and could help you decide what to do.

My mum died of a brain tumour. It did change her in certain ways - it could well be that - certainly the lack of inhibition in posting is very strange.

You've been through a lot yourself and don't have to accept it - you do have a right to quietly withdraw from the friendship. But try to get more context first

[A4Document]

If this is "out of character" then I think it's likely that the brain tumour is to blame.

What makes her friends think it's not the tumour that is causing this behaviour? Are they medically qualified?

Personality changes can be caused by a brain tumour, including "Disinhibition - loss of inhibitions or restraints and behaving in socially or culturally unacceptable ways (e.g. swearing or displaying inappropriate sexual behaviour)" (info from The Brain Tumour Charity)

[CuspoftheWave]

A4 I am not sure what the reasoning is behind it 'not' being related to the tumour as I have been slightly out the loop since moving. This is via conversations had when I have, rarely, seen people - as I moved, renovated etc I've been a bit sidetracked. I know she is a 'cause for concern' but, I know this is ridiculous, felt selfish bringing how I was pissed off when there were far more serious and pressing concerns to be dealt with (i.e. her still driving - some GP signed her off to drive - erratically and turning up at 1am at peoples houses wanting to stay.)

Shit, I am drip feeding aren't I.
Sorry

[WhoaCadburys]

Is it that you don't like reading it, or you don't like other people reading it.

If it is the former then maybe close down Facebook and tell her you are doing so and start a new account in a nickname with a few people you want to keep in touch with.

What does your DP think?

[NameChange30]

WhoaCadburys The OP doesn't need to delete her FB account and start a new one - that would be a ridiculous overreaction! There are plenty of other solutions, the best one being to simply unfollow her, as lots of PPs have suggested. In order of "drasticness" (I know that's not a word, sorry) it goes: unfollow, unfriend, block, leave FB (but leaving FB is completely unnecessary when you can just block someone).

[Klaptout]

A difficult situation you are in.
My DH died from his brain tumour, for that last 18 months he wasn't his usual self.
I think if I were you I would block her from your news feed.
If you spoke to her about it I'm not so sure she would understand and that might make things harder for you.
I think that given she has split up from her DH she may be looking back in a wistful way and wishing she had not made the choice of partner she did.
She may well be seeing what a good relationship you and your DH had wishing she had had the same sort of relationship that you enjoyed.
She may not have malicious intent, but it is understandably causing you distress.
I think you are being very dignified, but you do need to protect yourself.

[Somerville]

Cusp - you're being far more gracious than I would be if this happened. I feel very protective of DH's memory and I've even got cross with people for misremembering events slightly and getting a detail about him wrong.

I think you're amazing for being able to put her behaviour in context of her her prior support to you and your dh.

It does strike me as odd that no mutual friends have brought up her claims, even with the 'more serious' concerns. I wonder if it could be that they're embarrassed to talk to you about them? They won't know for sure that you've seen them, surely? (You might assume you rarely check FB or had already hidden her).
Personally I'd bring it up with a close mutual friend I think.

[A4Document]

She may not have malicious intent, but it is understandably causing you distress.
I think you are being very dignified, but you do need to protect yourself.

Yes, I agree.

[springydaffs]

Perhaps everyone is burying their head in the sand - not at all unusual when something awful is happening Eg people actually do cross the road to avoid someone who is bereaved, as I'm sure you discovered.

But there are a few twists and turns to this story so even those who would normally step up for Eg a bereavement may feel poleaxed, not knowing what to do so shuttle off .

Sorry to be blunt - but is she dying?