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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My dad won't come to my wedding

90 replies

Luna2016 · 24/04/2016 16:58

Sorry about spelling and grammar I'm just really upset right now.

For some reason my dad won't come to my wedding, him and my mum are still together after 4 years and 7 kids together. I'm the first person to get married out of my siblings. I gave my parents the invite, once i got him my mum phoned me to tell me that she will be coming but my dad won't, when i asked why she said 'It's not his thing'. He's always been like this when my daughter was born he didn't come to see her i have to take her to him or she wouldn't see her granddad.

I even asked him to give me away and he plainly said that he wasn't coming. Even my partners step dad offered to walk me down the isle. I declined because it not his job to do so. If its not my father then its no one.

I've tried talking to him so has my partner and he still won't come. This has really hurt me as he's always been like this, even at school people thought i was lying about having a farther as no one ever saw him not on sports days, prom or even my graduation day. I though this would be different.

Am I being unreasonable with him?

OP posts:

blueberrypie0112 · 24/04/2016 18:21

I agree with luna, he may be still punishing your mom for getting pregnant with you, he probably told her she is on her own with this one.

FinnigansCake · 24/04/2016 18:23

Sorry, just saw that you were planned!

This is a bizarre situation if he attends things for your siblings.

Whatever his reasons for such awful behaviour, try not to let it spoil your day. You've already gone through all the other big rites of passage without him. He's the one who is going to look like a prize arse.

Original poster

Luna2016 · 24/04/2016 18:24

I've never been married before,
My parents relationship seams to be like any typical relationship, to me it did anyways.

OP posts:

Original poster

Luna2016 · 24/04/2016 18:25

I was planned, all my sibling were.

OP posts:

FinnigansCake · 24/04/2016 18:26

What does your mum say about your dad not going? Isn't she upset?

BigHairySpider · 24/04/2016 18:27

Yes, this will reflect very badly on him, not you. I hope you can enjoy the day whether he's there or not

Original poster

Luna2016 · 24/04/2016 18:27

She seams 50/50 she upset that he's not going but at the same time she says thing like 'Don't be upset at your dad'. She is upset about it but seams like she still taking his side

OP posts:

Yoksha · 24/04/2016 18:28

I'm not often left shaking my head, but this one takes the biscuit. If it was me I'd have to both revaluate my expectations & relationship with said parent.

Hope it turns out positively for you OP.

FatPaul · 24/04/2016 18:32

I'd be having it out with him face to face, his behaviour isn't normal and I can see why you are upset.

mamas12 · 24/04/2016 18:36

How hurtful
Have you told your brothers
Could you ask each sibling to talk to him so six other people asking him and telling him he will regret not doing this as this is cruel in my eyes.
Otherwise you will have tell him and all of your family that is he decides not to attend at all the ŷou will not bother with him ever again, I mean have you asked your siblings what they would do at their weddings, not invite hi. For a start
What is his game divide and conquer the family theoand fb this drama?

Lweji · 24/04/2016 18:39

Definitely weird. Pps have already covered all possibilities I could think of.

I suppose the last resort is to tell him that he either goes to your wedding or you'll cut with him because you will be seriously upset.
Tell him it's not optional and that you resent him for going to all your siblings events and not yours.
Then just leave it at that and let him decide what to do.

MarianneSolong · 24/04/2016 18:40

I had a father who absented himself from a lot of key moments in my life. He didn't go to plays I was in at school. Stuff like that. He didn't ever drive me to university or visit me there. Because of that I didn't invite him - or my Mum to see me graduate. (I knew that I would be upset if he refused, and that I wouldn't forgive him. Perhaps also it was an occasion where I didn't want my Mum to come on her own.) I probably would have liked both of them there.

I suppose in your shoes, I'd want to make the celebration something where I felt surrounded by people who cared for me and were prepared to be there for me. I'd want to choose an older person who was important in my life to take the 'walking down the aisle ' role.

FinnigansCake · 24/04/2016 18:45

I wouldn't just be having it out with your dad, but with your mum as well. It sounds as though she condones his behaviour. If so, there must be a reason that she is aware of.

Are you sure you aren't the result of an affair? Although I doubt very much that your mum would have the time, let alone the inclination, if she already had six children.

Your mum must know something about why he is like this with you, no mother can watch one of her children being consistently treated less well than the others without ever questioning it.

FantasticButtocks · 24/04/2016 19:11

With your partner talking to him, and your mum talking to him, and you asking him to come to your wedding, has anyone asked him "Do you know how upset your daughter is that you are refusing to go to her wedding?" Or "Don't you fucking mind that you are deeply hurting your dd?" and waited for an answer? Because someone needs to be very direct with him here. Maybe you, actually. "Dad, why won't you come and watch me marry DP?" And then wait and see what he says. Either he has what he thinks is a valid reason, ie he can't take the emotion, he actually is a secret recovered alcoholic who can't attend weddings in case it starts him drinking, or he's just plain selfish and unloving.

Why is your mum standing for this? Is there something she knows that you don't, I wonder? Does she have trouble standing up to him for some reason? What has been her explanation over the years for his utter lack of interest in one of his seven children? Or has everyone normalised it? Is anyone prepared to have a proper go at take issue with him? Or is he vulnerable in some way so no one wants to upset him?

Sounds like you've been given the role of underdog or black sheep in your family

Thank goodness you've got yourself a nice, supporting, loving partner and you're getting married! He will become your family, you can help each other recover from pain and hurt from others.

MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 24/04/2016 19:22

I'm sure no-one means to imply that it would be ok to treat your child differently if they were unplanned/adopted/the result of an affair. But it does READ a little bit like that...

blueberrypie0112 · 24/04/2016 19:25

It is never ok, but is it better than just not liking your own daughter for no reason?

NapQueen · 24/04/2016 19:27

Well as there seems to he no reasonable excuse, this would be the end of any sort of relationship for me.

Ask your mun to walk you down the aisle.

FinnigansCake · 24/04/2016 19:38

MyPockets no one is implying that it is ok to treat a child badly if they are not a biological child.

We are trying to understand why one child out of seven is not being treated like the others. Whatever the reason, it is never ok to hurt a child

annandale · 24/04/2016 19:39

What was your parents' wedding like?

sonjadog · 24/04/2016 19:43

Could you ask one of your brothers to give you away instead?

MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 24/04/2016 20:04

Yes I said I don't think people think that. But loads of posts saying 'are you a mistake?' 'Are you adopted?' do imply that.

And no, I don't think it's better one way or the other. If you're a cunt to your children that just makes you a cunt.

Bogeyface · 24/04/2016 20:20

No they dont imply that at all.

They (including me) are asking to try and figure out why he may be acting like that, not suggesting that it would be ok for him to act like that if it were the case. Frankly the way he is behaving is disgusting, the obvious favouritism is very wrong, but finding out why he may be doing it, changes how the OP can view it and deal with it.

Sadly some people, especially older people, do treat non blood relatives differently. There have been threads on MN about grandparents treating adopted GC differently to bio GC. There isnt much you can do about that sort of person apart from keep your distance as they are extremely unlikely to change their opinion. However if he really doesnt "do" weddings and doesnt realise how much it means the OP then sitting down with him and asking him some blunt questions about how the hell does he think she feels? Why exactly isnt he coming? Will he be attending X siblings wedding should they have one? may make him see how hurtful he is being.

MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 24/04/2016 20:27

We can agree to differ bogeyface. For me if I or Dh treated dd like this and someone said 'is it because you're adopted?' the correct answer would be 'I am adopted but it's not BECAUSE I'm adopted it's because my parents are arseholes'.

Feilin · 24/04/2016 21:12

My grandfather had 3 daughters and 4 sons. He attended none of the weddings. odd I agree but my mum doesn't seem like she was that bothered by it. Must ask her what his reason was.

Original poster

Luna2016 · 13/05/2016 16:39

Well... Wedding day been and gone, he didn't turn up. and I haven't spoke to him since.

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