My dad won't come to my wedding

[Luna2016]

Sorry about spelling and grammar I'm just really upset right now.

For some reason my dad won't come to my wedding, him and my mum are still together after 4 years and 7 kids together. I'm the first person to get married out of my siblings. I gave my parents the invite, once i got him my mum phoned me to tell me that she will be coming but my dad won't, when i asked why she said 'It's not his thing'. He's always been like this when my daughter was born he didn't come to see her i have to take her to him or she wouldn't see her granddad.

I even asked him to give me away and he plainly said that he wasn't coming. Even my partners step dad offered to walk me down the isle. I declined because it not his job to do so. If its not my father then its no one.

I've tried talking to him so has my partner and he still won't come. This has really hurt me as he's always been like this, even at school people thought i was lying about having a farther as no one ever saw him not on sports days, prom or even my graduation day. I though this would be different.

Am I being unreasonable with him?

I've said to my parter this is the last change he's going to get. If he doesn't come then I'm done making the effort. I past caring if I look like the bad guy. I may regret it one day but I'll deal with it then.

Does he approve of the man you chose? Some parents I heard will disown their child of they chose certain type of people (like being gay, or different religion or race)

BYOSnowman, I had a talk with my eldest sister and she arguers with me and she even said that she feels guilty about it. She said that he should be there and that if he's not she'd going to be disappointed with him.

Why would you regret it? You sound as though you need some serious work on your self esteem.

Not that it matters, but curious if he is one of those oeople

To be honest when he met my partner they hit it off straight away, when ever they see each other he seams to speak to him more than me. I know this may sound daft but in a way i think its because I'm a girl, my parent had one girl, five boys, then me.

He doesn't sound like a good father to me, and if you choose not to bother with him anymore I think it's him who ought to have regrets, not you. Please don't let this spoil your wedding to the man you love. You'd be wise to put your efforts in life into your new immediate family rather than chasing after the most disappointing members of your birth family.

Honestly Luna, he doesn't sound like he's worth the effort. If you, and all your family, have made it clear what this means to you, and he still won't come, then frankly, I think you should wash your hands of him. His loss, you sound like a nice person.

I'm just tired of trying, no matter what I do it never seams to bother him. I graduated university, I started my own business even when I had my daughter, Iv'e never heard the words 'Congradulations/Well done/I'm proud of you' It's just like he doesn't care.

But seeing what my partner when through when he lost his dad without making up. He blames himself every day and I just don't think I could live with that.

Has he attended any weddings of your siblings?

Well your partner needs some therapy then. Not for you to waste the next twenty years trying to appease some misogynistic cunt who sits on a sofa being Lord of all he surveys while the womenfolk scurry around desperate for some scrap of affection.

Were you a surprise?

I wonder if he didnt connect with you because you came along when he thought he was done with children.

It doesnt really matter why though does it? He obviously cant be arsed so I agree that you need to stop making the effort. Your partner blames himself, but why? His dad, and yours, both had a choice and chose to not be good involved fathers, thats down to them to make up for and not you.

Does he talk to you? Can you have a conversation?

Tbh I think he owes you a better explanation than 'its not my thing'. I'm surprised at your mum too. If dh were not going to ds's wedding, I would refuse to pass on that message, he would have to do it himself.

It does make me wonder if it's some kind of hidden mental health problem. Dh would have similar to deal with, but would take extra medication, we would rally support, he would get there.

Would he attend the ceremony only perhaps? What if he were let off any speech?

I've even asked if he'd walk me down isle ten leave but he still won't,.
I'm the first of my sibling to be married.
And Surprisingly I was planned.

He may go on holiday, but does he ever go to parties? Or weddings? Or social events like that? It might be that he has a social anxiety which means he doesn't attend those kind of gatherings.

Did he do the sports days etc with your other siblings?

Have you ever had it out with him and told him how his behaviour makes you feel?

I don't think it's overly helpful to get hung up on why tbh. If it were anxiety/alcoholism/agoraphobia then he would need support. But not from his children and it's not the op's job to make him a reasonable human being father.

Get some therapy op and some for your dp.

Actually I've heard of this before. A family of four kids, he never came to any of their weddings. "It just isn't dad's thing".

Later one speculated that he couldn't bear to see things change, but it was only speculation. He was never a close father though never horrible or anything. He worked a lot. I honestly think he was just benignly selfish. I doubt he could see what the problem was.

So I think you're going to have to just decide to have the best day ever, and have a right laugh. What else is there to do?

Luna, your mum can walk you down the aisle. Or another family member or friend.

Just carry on without him. Sounds to me that he likes all the attention that "not going/not bothering" brings him.

He always went to my other siblings events but never mine.
I've tried everything talking to him, getting other people to talk to him, through letters, over the phone, but sill nothing.

Well if he went to your siblings weddings I would be asking him exactly why he can't attend yours. Just saying he doesn't 'do' that sort of thing is clearly untrue.

That's awful, I can understand why you are so hurt. If he has been indifferent to you all your life, he's unlikely to change now, I'm afraid.

If he won't come despite being told plainly how much it hurts you, then I would stop making any effort with him. He 's got away with this behaviour all these years because you have spent your life seeking his approval. I'm not saying go no contact with him because that would hurt you rather than him. Just treat him as distantly as he treats you.

How is your parents' relationship? Sorry to ask a hurtful question, but as you are the youngest of seven, was he angry that your DM got pregnant with you? Did he feel that he couldn't cope with another child?

Perhaps one of your brothers could walk you down the aisle? I think you will feel better with someone by your side. Walking alone will just emphasise the absence of your father and make you feel worse.

Luna

Have you been married before? Maybe he feels one wedding is enough

(although if you had, he should have been at your first wedding)

Oh sorry, I see that you're the first to get married. Even more reason for him to be there then.