how to cope with the reality that I'll only have one child

[Sunshinegirl2]

Hey all,

I have a DD whose 6, I've just turned 22. I've came out of an abusive relationship from DD's dad and as DD's dad is such a shit dad, I know eventually he would grow bored of DD and have no contact with her at all.

I stupidly went back to him a few months ago, fell pregnant (even though I was on the pill) but sadly decided to terminate due to the situation surrounding DD's dad. I regret the termination so much but I guess it's something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

I look at my life now, and I know that I won't meet anyone else and eventually have that growing family that I've always desired. I'm not confident at all, I don't go out much as it's hard finding someone to look after DD. I feel lonely and think about going back to DD's dad just for the sake that I won't be alone and have more children, but I know that I will never go back to him as his such a shit human being and not a loving father to DD at all.

I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Friends around me are pregnant, getting married, engaged etc and it's so hard not to feel envious of them.

Even though I'm only 22, I've already came to conclusion that I will most likely not meet anyone else and have more children, but I'm finding it hard to cope with the reality that DD will be my only child or that she won't have sibling. I constantly kick myself in the teeth that DD did have a chance to have a sibling, but I selfishly decided to terminate her sibling to be. I don't know if DD would ever forgive me if heaven forbids that she finds out.

Your 22!
Stop worrying & start living...

I had dc in my teens & in my 40's so you really never know!

How do I start living peppas ? DD's dad is the only guy that I've ever been with. I love DD so much but she is hard work. I miss the child I terminated, how could I get pass that?

At 22 I hadn't even had a steady boyfriend. It's pretty young to settle down to be honest. I met Dh at 30 and had my dc at 35 and 37. At no point did I think it was too late to meet anyone.

Counselling/ therapy to come to terms with the termination? Remind yourself why you made that difficult decision. Incredibly difficult but the right thing to do at the time.

Doing stuff (education/hobbies/interests) to help you develop as a person.

Concentrate on you & your dc. Live in the present. The past is gone...

22 is so young to give up on life. You have a wonderful 6 year old enjoy being a mum. It's when you stop looking for love is when love usually finds you. Get some councelling. Please don't let an abusive man ruin your life. You are worth too much for that.

Your 22 sweetie, It sounds like you've had a bad time with the only guy you've ever had a relationship with.
There are some bloody lovely men out there and you have years to find one and have another baby.
With the abortion remember you done what you had to based on your circumstances, You need to come to terms with this, maybe approach your GP about counselling?

You can't change things that have happened in the past, but your in control of your future!

You're only 22. I do t have my kids until I was 37. That's fifteen years. - everything will change in that amount of time.

I'm nearing the end of my degree and I'm hoping to do a Masters in occupational therapy . But I long for a growing family for DD and I.

Terminating a pregnancy is not the emotion-free act that many think it is. Many women feel just as you do after ending a pregnancy. It is such a difficult time and you had a hard decision to make.

But - it is water under the bridge - you cannot devote any more of your precious time to regrets - over the pregnancy and over this young man who has proved to be such a waste of space.

Just because life has thrown some bad things at you in the past does not mean that the future cannot hold good things. There are some lovely men out there - men who would love your DD and you. You need to give it time - and stay away from this chap who has brought you nothing but trouble - except of course your lovely daughter.

You have vast swathes of time in which to meet someone else and grow your family. I know of so many people who have had a bad first experience of marriage and then go on to meet the right person and turn their lives around - and have babies in their 40s. You need to take a deep breath and make up your mind to look for the good things that you have in your life right now and focus your energies on these. Things will change - just give it time.

At 22 I thought I was in love with a perfect guy, we had a child together then he left me for someone else when our son was less than a year old. I felt exactly like you did. I never imagined meeting anyone else but ended up meeting my now husband, he is a fantastic husband and dad to my eldest son, whose father dropped like a ton of bricks. He loves him like his own. We went on to have two more children and im now in my late thirties and we are still happy. 22 is still very young. You are hurting and thats absolutely normal. Instead of yearning for what you dont have, look at the child you have been blessed with and make a life for you both. Who knows who may come along in the future. ...

When I had Dd1 I was 15. Her dad didn't want anything to do with us. I was on my own for a long time. When I met now DH at 28 I told him straight away i didn't want anymore kids. 10yrs later I had DD2. Nobody knows what the future holds your still young at 22.

As a teenager I never thought I'd have a boyfriend and when I got older, I never thought I'd have DCs. I just didn't meet the right man and when I thought I had (I got engaged at 25) he cheated on me and dumped me.

I'd given up when I met exH in my early 30s. We had 2 DCs (when I was 34 and 36). We split when I was 40.

That's not the end of the story, though! I got together with my lovely DP when I was 41. Now it's 2 years later and our 8 week old DD is currently asleep in my arms.

You never know what life has in store for you. Try to enjoy the here and now and don't worry about the past.

"What's for you won't go by you", as my mum is fond of saying.

Good for you with the Master's plan. You're obviously determined and hardworking, to have managed continuing with your education despite becoming a parent very young and being in an abusive relationship.

Honestly? The best thing you can do to put yourself in a great position to have a happy relationship in the future is to concentrate on the rest of your life for a while. The more whole and happy you are, the better your radar will be for recognising a good man when he comes along. And the more confident and independent you are, the more attractive you'll be to a good 'un. Work on your studies, enjoy your DD and build strong friendships. Then get a rewarding job (OT is a GREAT plan; my OT pal loves it and makes a good living) and get yourself in a good place financially.

Just seen your post about training as an OT - good for you. That is an incredible feat when you are also a single mum. You should pat yourself on the back! You are smarting just now, but things will change for you I have not one shred of doubt. You have a good career ahead of you, a lovely daughter and masses of time - I am quite envious really!

Thank you all for your messages. Life keeps on moving and I can move on from this. I'm worried that if I moved on from the pregnancy I terminated, that I will forget about my unborn child. But I can't keep punishing myself.

I believe I've wasted too many years on ex DD's dad, I was 14 when I met him and when I fell pregnant at 15, many of my friends told me to leave him, but I wouldn't as I was carrying his child. If only I listened to them back then. But I'm determined not to go back to DD's dad, the abuse, the sexual abuse, the manipulation, not being there for DD, I can't go back to that anymore. I had the termination as I knew DD's dad wold turn even more abusive, I would of found it harder to move on from him, I would be depressed, social services and I didn't want to bring another child into our mess as DD had gone through so much. But then again, I wished I had the child and ran away and left DD's dad. I don't know.

Thank you all for your advise, and I'll take the recommendation about going to counselling.

Congratulations on your amazing achievements Sunshine; a beautiful DD, a degree, possible masters on the horizon, and getting a twat man out of your life. I hope that doesn't sound flippant, but seriously, I think you sound incredibly driven and mature and intelligent.

The termination sounds so very difficult and I'm so sorry you had to go through it. But it does sound like it was the right decision for you at the time. Imagine having your ex be Mr Shit Father of The Year with twice the responsibilities to avoid.

I agree with PPs that seeking some counselling to help you work through your feelings about all of this would be very beneficial.

And I also agree that you have a huge amount going for you and hopefully a very very bright twat-free future ahead of you. You need to find some way of embracing that, an of being happy with all the wonderful things you DO have in your life. Then if someone brilliant comes along (and really, they just might) you'll be in a much much better place to pursue a loving, appreciative, respectful relationship where that someone values you as much as you value yourself.

Focus on happiness within and with your DD, focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and forgiving yourself for a termination which you really had little choice but to opt for, focus on your career goals, focus on seeking some social outlets. Learn to be happy and proud of and for yourself.

What's for you won't go by you and there are long years of wonderful life ahead.

Your are 22 and have a whole life ahead of you.

I'm so sorry that your ex has been a total loss. You've been through so much recently, take time to be kind to yourself. I wish you and your DD the best of everything going forward

coco did you find it hard to move on from your daughters dad?

Thank you all for your messages. Yes it was incredibly hard looking after DD whilst studying whilst being in an abusive relationship. I will try to look forward to the future and being the best mum to DD. Thank you all for your kind words.

Don't go back to your DD's dad if he is abusive. You will end up feeling more guilty for your kids for having to deal with their abusive father.

You have a whole life ahead of you. Your child is young right now, it gets easier to go out when kids are older (they go over their friends house to play and such)

AND my two kids are 11 years apart and they seem happy with each other.

Not to mention, my son was fine being the only child for the last 10 years before his sister came along although he is glad have his sister into his life as well.

When I left DS's abusive dad at 25, I was convinced I'd never meet anyone, never want to meet a anyone, never have more babies and definitely never get married again!

I've recently met an amazing man who has finally made me realise why people actually want to have someone to share their life with. Things will pick up, I promise.
Wait for the right one, he will come.

Your ex is not your one. He is a shit and you and DD deserve better.

I'm pregnant with my first at 40, but I have come out of a divorce in earlier life with no kids and thought FUCK. So I do know how you feel (even though I think you are worrying VERY prematurely).

You are 22, you have nearly your entire life to live all over again before you have to worry about this stuff. You will look back in a couple of years and know what I mean, even if you don't believe me now. Seriously, save yourself from any more grief fretting about this, and this completely pathetic and undeserving man. The only way to move is forward, don't even look back. Time to go and be happy now, with enough time on your side to take your time in picking a good partner.

If you had wrote this post at 42 I'd understand your concerns, but you are so young, take it from an old fart, your life has only just begun.The years will bring many opportunities for the taking, please dont waste these years on a vile, abusive man. You're on the right course, you just need to believe in yourself and get rid of them self doubts.

I have a friend the same age as you, in a similar situation and she attends a vulnerable women drop in centre, she have accessed education, attended the gymn and made many new friends all through the centre. Her confidence and self belief is at an all time high. It's worth enquiring if there's one near you.

Sunshinegirl2 yes I did find it hard he was my first boyfriend. But he walked away when I was pregnant and if it wasn't for my family I don't know what would have happened to Dd and I. His mother used to walk by us in the street and call me a slut.
Sadly my dd died last year she was 23 which brought him back into my life. He's heartbroken and sorry for all the year's he missed out on. I don't have any sympathy for him I never will.
The way he treated me all those year's ago really affected me, it took me a long time to trust any man and it was hard being a single parent when I was so young myself.
DH was a fantastic step dad to dd he was the only dad she knew.

You sound as if your doing a great job as a mum your dd will be so proud of you when she's older