how to cope with the reality that I'll only have one child

[Sunshinegirl2]

Hey all,

I have a DD whose 6, I've just turned 22. I've came out of an abusive relationship from DD's dad and as DD's dad is such a shit dad, I know eventually he would grow bored of DD and have no contact with her at all.

I stupidly went back to him a few months ago, fell pregnant (even though I was on the pill) but sadly decided to terminate due to the situation surrounding DD's dad. I regret the termination so much but I guess it's something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

I look at my life now, and I know that I won't meet anyone else and eventually have that growing family that I've always desired. I'm not confident at all, I don't go out much as it's hard finding someone to look after DD. I feel lonely and think about going back to DD's dad just for the sake that I won't be alone and have more children, but I know that I will never go back to him as his such a shit human being and not a loving father to DD at all.

I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Friends around me are pregnant, getting married, engaged etc and it's so hard not to feel envious of them.

Even though I'm only 22, I've already came to conclusion that I will most likely not meet anyone else and have more children, but I'm finding it hard to cope with the reality that DD will be my only child or that she won't have sibling. I constantly kick myself in the teeth that DD did have a chance to have a sibling, but I selfishly decided to terminate her sibling to be. I don't know if DD would ever forgive me if heaven forbids that she finds out.

Oh cocochanel I'm so sorry for what happened to your DD . I hope you are in a better place now and I'm glad you met your fantastic DH. Thanks so much for your advice .

You are 22 with a child

You have your whole life ahead of you !

None of us have a crystal ball to predict the future

I have known people who have passed away young and I would do anything to bring them back again

Please be thankful for your life
You have your health
You have hope
You can make plans to do anything that you want

Above all you dont need a man or partner to make you happy

But if you are lucky to meet someone in the future, they should add onto your existing happiness

Be thankful for the small things

Sunshine I'm only a couple of years older than you. I have 2 children and walked away from my alcoholic Stbxh almost a year ago. At the time the thing that got to me most was I always thought I'd have 3 kids. It was always the plan. I know now I won't and iv come to terms with it.
However there's no reason you can't. If in time you want to meet someone, you will have that chance. Just pleas soft your own sake don't jump right into something. You were with your ex from v young (I was 13 when I had mine) and this year of being single has been a total eye-opener for me in terms of what I'm actually capable of and the things that make me happy. Take the time to get to know who you are as an adult without him. You've never met the you not under his influence, I'm pretty sure you'll love her.
You have been incredibly brave getting away from that situation, and being a single mum & studying & sorting the house is hard work, but your life would be so much worse if you went back.

Too many typos there.

I didn't even have a boyfriend until I was 23. DC came in my 30's. My best friend is in her first long term relationship and it started when she was 37. You have so much time and the world is your oyster. Truly.

And I had my first proper relationship age 26, married (someone else) age 40 and had 2 kids in my 40s. I wouldn't have planned my life like that, but that's how it happened. If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be not to give up,life is full of opportunities, you don't realise how much time you have in front of you...

OP, get some counselling and make peace with the past. The you can embrace the future and all the life enhancing stuff you and your dd will achieve. In your whole growing up and early adult years you have been living in the shadow of a useless abuser and you need to let yourself learn to be free, independent and the boss of yourself.

I would personally eat my hat of, in the next 20 odd years you don't meet someone else and quite possibly have more children but make sure you do some serious work first to avoid any possibility of falling for another sweet talking twat.

Good luck with your dreams. You actually sound pretty awesome.

You have 20+ years to find someone you love. You need to get over this negativity and start to enjoy life.

Hey all,

Just an update.

I have been following the no contact rule and have been very distant with DDs dad. Several times before, he requested that I should see him at his, I've been standing firm and telling him "no". 2 weeks ago he had a go at me as he noticed how distant I was.. accusing me of cheating, he then proceed to me that he didn't know why he was bothering with me me as I am "ugly" and that I'm not "even sexy" and then immediately he blocked my number from calling him (like I would call him anyway as I am very stubborn).

Its been 3 weeks now, haven't heard from her dad and like always has failed to show up to see DD. I don't think I will hear from him again and his contact with DD has diminished. But I'm finding it hard to move on from
him. How can I move on for DDs and I sake. I think what hurts me the most is that his practically left DD, wants nothing to do with her and I'm 99% sure that another woman is involved.
But how can I move on from this? As it's literally eating me up. I feel like my heart is in knots

Oops I didn't give a back story.

I posted on here under a different name. But in short, DDs dad has always requested that I should see him at his house, every time he calls me it's because of that reason, and that also his a shit dad to DD, doesn't pay for any maintenance and fails to show up to take DD out. Most of you rightly suggested that he was using me and that I needed to stop giving into his demands, a couple of you requested that I should follow the no contact rule, which I applied straight away.

Bump

Firstly,please don't write yourself off at just 22, most people haven't even really started living adult lives yet. I've gotten out of a bad relationship last year and am now on my own at 26 with 18 month old DS. His father still has contact with him (when it's convenient for him) and he does pay what he should in maintenance, but he really is useless in most aspects of life never mind parenthood, and just not a nice person whatsoever. I would definitely stick to the NC from what you say about your ex, and if he really wants to see her then he can arrange to pick her up (maybe from a family's home or a public place if that makes you feel more comfortable than being on your own with him).
I also had a lot of friends who stopped contacting or coming round after I had DS because they didn't like the ex and they also only wanted to go on nights out which I couldn't do due to childcare (ex always insisted if I was going out then so was he). I've recently started working again though and just being around people other than DS is so exciting, in just a few weeks I already feel like have fully grown adults that I can call friends again rather than just a baby and a puppy, I'd say that's your first step if you're not already working.
Also you say your DD is 6? It truly won't be long then before she's making arrangements of her own with friends that you'll start being able to do your own thing occasionally, like when she's at sleepovers with friends for birthday parties etc. It may feel like a long time whilst living it, but really it will be only a few years before all this starts to happen and remember that you're very young yourself so you've plenty of time left for all this to happen and you still to have a life and socialise yourself. Just keep doing what you're doing and eventually it will get easier and things will all start coming together for you, probably without you even realising at first