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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tried to split up with my husband. It didn't quite go to plan...

54 replies

Libertybazar · 22/04/2016 17:17

If it weren't so tragic, I'd probably be laughing at the oddness of it all.

I've posted previously about wanting to split from my husband, due really to being totally different people and having different values and goals.
Well, I finally worked up the courage to tell him how I felt on Tuesday. It was awful, he didn't see it coming at all (which I was surprised about as our romantic relationship is pretty much non existent) and said he was totally happy in our relationship. We both cried, I told him I no longer loved him romantically and couldn't see a way forward. He said I was the love of his life, didn't want to lose me and went to bed. In a nutshell, that's what happened.

The next day we talked. Every time I brought up an example of how different we are he'd counter with 'but I like how different we are'. When I talked about how he mopes every time I plan something, but refuses to plan things that HE wants to do, he said that he really does enjoy it, but he can't be happy all the time. He started talking about how he didn't know what he'd do without me and started blaming himself even though I told him repeatedly that he wasn't really the problem, it was just a fundamental difference in personality. I really didn't know what to do so said I'd give it another go. I don't know why I did it, I just couldn't bear to hurt him and couldn't think of a valid argument for not staying together except 'well, Ive fallen out of love with you and I don't want this relationship' which sounds blunt and awful and uncaring. And then things have carried on as if nothing has happened.

No mention of the fact that I basically ripped his world apart. No mention of the fact that I said that the love that feel for him is platonic. It's like it never happened and I feel even more trapped than I did before.

What the bloody hell do I do now?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2016 17:21

You wait until you have time to talk again and then you say the whole thing over again. No doubt he'll be shocked - "I thought we'd gone past all that?" - but he needs to hear it again and again until he accepts it. It's really hard, sorry.

horseygeorgie · 22/04/2016 17:23

I think you know what you need to do now. Staying with someone because you don't want to hurt them by leaving doesn't work. Honestly, you need to really sit him down and say you cannot make this work. It is shit, but at least it will be honest and you can start trying to move on.

You can't make yourself love someone just because they want you to.

Piffyonarockbun · 22/04/2016 17:28

I was in a similar situation. Mine was just a DP not a DH. I told him after about 6 years together that i wanted to split. He did similar to what your H has done. I felt horribly trapped but went along with it for 3 more years until i couldnt take it any longer. He came in from work one night and i told him it was over. He seemed to take it on board this time. He asked me was i sure (yes) and was there anyone else (no) and he left. The relief was huge! He took quite a while to finally leave me be but that was the start of it. You may have to sit down and just be very short and to the point. When i discussed it with him 3years earlier and gave excuses he countered them all and we carried on because i couldnt give better reasons. 3 years later i told him 'we are over. I dont want this anymore. Are you going to your parents or am i going to a hotel because we can no longer be together'.

I think my attitude made a big difference. By the time of the actual split i was just so sick and fed up that i didnt worry so much about his hurt anymore because my misery at being in the relationship outweighed the misery i would cause him by ending it!

You dont need to give reasons. 'Im not happy in this relationship anymore' is enough.

Piffyonarockbun · 22/04/2016 17:28

You dont need to give reasons. 'Im not happy in this relationship anymore' is enough.

Piffyonarockbun · 22/04/2016 17:34

Sorry for the double post!!

Original poster

Libertybazar · 22/04/2016 17:58

I also did a double post piffy...of this entire thread!! I'm going to use this one and have reported the other.

Thank you for your advice. I know that ultimately it won't work. As you say, you can't just decide to fall back in love with someone. When I asked him if he'd rather I hadn't told him and just carried on, he said, kind of, yes. Which I think is rather telling.

It's so horrible.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/04/2016 18:22

He has begged you to stay and be unhappy because otherwise he would be unhappy. Well that tells you how much he really loves you.

You are his teddy bear. Your feelings are irrelevant. You exist only to comfort him.

He is even pretending like you didn't tell him how unhappy you are just yesterday. Irrelevant information I suppose.

How could you even stand to be in the same room as someone who cares so little for your feelings? His reaction is appalling.

Awoof · 22/04/2016 18:24

I did the exact same yesterday. Pretty much word for word!so big hug your way. I feel like the biggest twat in the world.
I'm going to give him the weekend to absorb and then Monday sit down and start coming up with a plan, together, for who is leaving/staying and how to organise ourselves financially to do this.

I've never done anything like this before but I'm guessing time frames etc are key??

Awoof · 22/04/2016 18:26

The teddy bear thing is ringing bells so so loudly.
He actually said last night that he needed me, because he has such a stressful job. He needed me to relax and tall to and eat with.

Original poster

Libertybazar · 22/04/2016 18:33

Ugh, sorry Awoof really feel for you.

How did he react?

OP posts:

Original poster

Libertybazar · 22/04/2016 18:54

Mmhm, I can see what you mean runrabbit. I know it sounds self absorbed, but I do feel sometimes like he's a bit obsessed. He said he needs me because he wouldn't be motivated without me, he's happy to go along with that I want to do, he barely has other friends (except work mates) and doesn't really go out socially. When I told him how much I loved the fact that he'd taken up running and was doing something for himself, his reaction was 'well I'm just doing it for you, if we were t together I probably would stop'.

OP posts:

SanityClause · 22/04/2016 18:55

What does "giving it a go" entail? Is it you bumbling along as before? Or is he planning to change things to make them better for you?

Do you have children?

Original poster

Libertybazar · 22/04/2016 19:01

We have 2 children.

We agreed that we would talk more and try and spend more time together as a couple. However, none of this really solves the two main issues of 'we want different things' and I simply don't feel the same about him anymore. We didn't even touch on our sex life. But so far it's just been exactly as it was, apart from we are actually now listening when the other person talks. Which is a bit of a bonus. We are basically like housemates.

OP posts:

KittensandKnitting · 22/04/2016 19:04

It's just got easy to stay together...

I think you need to be very honest with him, in a gentle a way as possible but you need to be honest for his sake and yours.

You will just end up resenting him otherwise and your both be very miserable.

Good luck

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/04/2016 19:09

What's his plan to make you happier? He is making a plan, right? You nearly left him. He begged you to stay so he's spending hours thinking of ways to change things up to be better for you, of course?

What plans has he made for more couple time? Where's he taking you? Who is he getting to babysit?

Or is that your job too? After all, he's perfectly happy. Why change. It's only your feelings, not his.

SanityClause · 22/04/2016 19:19

Exactly, Run.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 22/04/2016 19:22

Oh liberty I'm sorry. This happened to me. I repeatedly told me exH I wasn't happy. I explained what I felt was missing from our relationship. I spent hours soul searching and self blaming because I should have been happy with what I had.

Eventually, 18 months after first raising it with him, I grew close to a male family friend. I told my exH what was happening. I admitted to my exH that I thought I was having an emotional affair. Even then, nothing from him. No acknowledgement. No changes. No interest in counselling. No engagement. He didn't want anything to change.

I had to be brutal. I eventually ended it. Told him if he didn't move out, I would. It was awful. He had a breakdown. Mediation was a disaster. I discovered an awful lot about him I didn't know. Debts, gambling, porn addiction. He started OLD within a few weeks.

The good news is that we are both very happily remarried, and DD doesn't remember the worst of it. We share her care 50:50 and, after seven years, he and I can tolerate being in the same room as each other for a few hours.

TheSparrowhawk · 22/04/2016 19:30

What a selfish, self-absorbed prick your DH is. You've told him very clearly that you're not happy and his response is, 'but I'm happy and I'll be sad if you leave' and that's it? He doesn't give a shit how you feel and yet here you are sacrificing what you want for his happiness.

If he genuinely wanted you to be happy he would either let you go or be doing everything in his power to make it happen. As it stands he just wants to ignore the fact that you're unhappy as it's inconvenient for him.

Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

Awoof · 22/04/2016 19:43

liberty
It's actually spooky because almost the same as you. He at first insisted there HAD to be someone else because he couldn't see why I might have fallen out of love and he wanted to know when and where.
It was a lot that he has no friends, I'm his best friend, what will he do etc. But he actually isn't that nice to me, he kinda monologues at me, expects me to do everything..
But I stayed very firm and a bit blunt and said that it was over, I am sorry he is hurting.
He threw out lots of stuff like that I would ruin him financially (absolutely wouldnt), another man being around our dd would kill him, he doesn't just want to see her on the weekend.
I was very clear that we would share her 50/50. I work some evenings anyway so even naturally at the moment we do split 'responsible parent time' really well.
I re assured him that I'm not looking for another man, but even if I did meet anyone I would never let any old tom, dick and Harry meet our lovely dd. He knows that anyway.
Today we've been working but it was polite enough. I feel relieved that he's not trying to kiss and cuddle me but I do have a niggle that he hopes I will change my mind.

Duckdeamon · 22/04/2016 19:47

You can make a plan to end the relationship and live apart, and go through with it, whatever his views are.

He sounds codependent. His problem.

lousylear · 22/04/2016 19:52

I'm in exactly the same boat, posted pretty much same thing last night. I looked at a house this morning. Sent bank statements and payslips. Just waiting to hear back.

LeaLeander · 22/04/2016 19:56

He sounds like a boring, self-absorbed dud, frankly. Why should you use up your life being unhappy so he won't have to exert himself to create his own life and find some interests?

How unfortunate that children are involved. Was he like this before they were conceived?

eastwest · 22/04/2016 19:58

I think there is a limit to how often you can keep explaining this to someone who doesn't want to hear. Just leave. Apply for a divorce (or whatever the word is, maybe not 'apply'! - never done it myself). It is not your job to make him understand.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/04/2016 20:17

Presumably it's taken you months, if not years to get to this point, so I don't necessarily think it's selfishness on Dh's part that is making it impossible to hear.

You need to keep telling him. Plan what will happen next and when you want it to happen. Take steps to unpick your lives. Stop 'appearing' as a couple. Start telling other people. Not immediately, but have a timeframe and stick to it.

Writingdragonfly · 22/04/2016 20:18

From experience, this attitude is counted as emotionally manipulative/abusive, if you plan to stay there needs to be some kind of plan to get talking and working on your relationship, he needs to put effort in, he is trapping you with the "you might not be happy but i was and if you leave ill have nothing and even the one thing i do for myself is for you i might die without you" whilst he may feel that way genuinely, its still manipulative to then follow up with no effort whatsoever. All he has done is trap you emotionally! I suggest bringing it up again when you can, be brutal and dont be sweyed if your mind is made up. :/ sorry, ive been there and it sucks, hugs.

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