Should he propose if I'm relocating for him?

[flso]

My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years, and we've been living together for just over a year. He's been told he might be getting a promotion at work soon, which could mean moving 100 miles away from where we are currently based. I'm looking for a new job anyway, so the timing isn't too bad, but I will miss all my friends and my siblings who live nearby. Both of our sets of parents and lots of our friends have been dropping (in some cases very unsubtle!) hints to him about when he's going to ask me to marry him, and he already knows that when he asks the answer will be yes.

Friends have suggested that men have a one track mind and that he's only focused on the job at the moment and that then he'll ask. I'm not sure how I feel about moving all that way with no 'formal' commitment, and I've mentioned that to him that I would be giving up a lot to move.

My parents and some of my friends think he should propose if he's asking/expecting me to relocate for him. I don't want to put extra pressure on him whilst he's working hard for the promotion, but... do you think they're right?

I would have a really frank conversation with him about marriage. You are two adults who have shared your lives for three years- you really should be able to discuss this openly, rather than dropping hints and crossing your fingers.

I would be wary of moving so far for someone who didn't feel certain enough to marry me after three years together..

You basically proposed at Christmas, you know that, right? If he didn't split up with you on the spot because you freaked him out so much with that beer bottle then I hate to tell you but an actual proposal is not going to change anything about your relationship . It's meaningless, he's already told you he's committed to you for life, he wants to move away with you and he's stated his intention to marry you.. what else do you need? An engagement isn't legally binding in any way shape or form, there's no more security with a ring on your finger than there would be now so why would you need a ring in order to relocate? It makes no sense unless you're planning to get married before you move, in which case I can see the logic RE: finances etc. It strikes me that after 3 years you think it's "time" for an engagement because your family and friends have mentioned it, which is a fallacy. No relationship is on a timer, just enjoy your time together because when you are married and have kids you'll be looking back and wondering why ever did you wish this time away

DP and I have been together 8 years and I'm very clear that I want to get married, as is he and we also have lots of pressure from family to get going on the wedding plans. We have a joint mortgage which IMHO is a much bigger commitment than an engagement!

We are not engaged and DP has not yet proposed "officially", but it's common knowledge that we'll be getting married at some point and it's a running joke with family and friends that we are "not rushing into things"

In truth, we are enjoying this time together immensely because there's no post-wedding baby pressure and just a lovely freedom to do what ever the fook we like!

Secretly we've decided to get married on our 10 year anniversary (in 2018) but havent told a soul yet, it's more fun watching my MIL dancing around the "So when's the wedding?" question!

Is he asking you to relocate with him?

Maybe he's fed up of everyone asking him when he's going to propose.

Well said pickly Common sense and no rush. It isn't major international alert status, if he's not asked in 3 years. I hope the chat goes well this weekend OP

I think you're looking at this all wrong OP!
It's obvious that getting married is a hugely important and significant part of your life plan. But it's blinding you a bit and you're about to make big decisions without seeing things clearly.
Have a think about what marriage means to you- I think from your posts it represents a commitment, proof of love, an intention to have children together, etc.
It may or may not mean the same things to him.
If it does, he may not be prepared to propose to you until his career is on track and he has a reasonable expectation of providing for a family. He may not propose while he perceives the pressure to do so, seeing it as a commitment he makes for himself, not to knuckle under to anyone else's agenda.
However!
If marriage means as much to him as to you, you may just be his " good enough for now" girl.

So if you have to choose between spending your life with him and never marrying him vs marrying someone else, what would you choose?
Is having children more important to you than spending your life with this man?
If you knew this relationship will only last another year or so would you want to spend those two years with him or looking for a new relationship?
(There are no right or wrong answers by the way, this is about figuring out what you really want)
If you move away with him it will be very difficult for you, it cuts you off from social networks. Depending on how outgoing you are, in combination with what opportunities are available in your new country, you may or may not develop a new social network, but if it doesn't work out with this guy it won't be easy to just come home and pick up your old life. Things will have moved on and the older you get the harder it is to build friendships.
By moving with him you are making a commitment to him. If that commitment isn't worthwhile to you without an eventual marriage then don't go.
So the key question isn't whether he should propose but whether you should go or not.
And even that isn't an all or nothing situation. You could treat it as a career break and go for three months to see how you feel out there. You could delay going for three months, etc.

I pushed and pushed DP into proposing. I felt the pressure big time and desperately needed the ring. Once i got the ring on my finger it was as if a light went on and i realised we have been living as a married couple all along. Now everyone is pushing me to set a date and its me who doesnt see the point in rushing

You know in your heart if you have a future together, and from the way you've been talking i think that you do.

Moving away from your family, friends & work can be very self-destructive. If your relationship doesn't work out, you could be left staring afresh without your support network. This is irrespective of marriage.

Agree with other poster's who are saying that marriage is a red herring here; it's whether YOU want to move away that's important.

Why not try long-distance for a while?

Just out of interest, how old are you? The advice you'd get at 25 is very different from what would be said at 35.

I relocated so dh I could live together. He'd moved away a few months previously and I joined him. I never said he had to propose first, but our intent was always to marry and have children. We made a great group of friends having known no one to start with. Moving away from friends and family can work, people do it all the time. It worked out very well for us as we're now married with children. I would never have asked him to propose as a condition though.

Stop hinting and buying presents and talk to him.

What expatinscotland and AmyAmoeba said.
I would be concerned that you may be on a siding to nothing...the good enough for now girl. The "talk about it in a couple of years" is a red flag. In that time, you may have a surprise pregnancy and have a child...then you would be further stuck without the financial security of marriage (why should he at that point-he already has it all without being married). There are quite a few threads on MN to clearly lay out the realities of having children outside marriage. Following him now would definitely be a slow creeping motion towards this- a little bit (can do that) a little bit more (you did the first part-any reasonable person could also do this little bit more) a little bit more (you've done A and B now C isn't really so much of a stretch now is it?) on and on. It's manipulative.

You have leverage now...if you move as a good little girl following her man then you lose your leverage (and equality in the relationship: don't follow him like a lost puppy; and thus your self esteem too, imho.)

The original question should be: Should he propose so I will relocate with him? Btw, I would insist on the marriage, not just engagement...(just so much lip service until it is proven by the ceremony).

Draw a line in the sand. Call his bluff. You may lose him now, but better now than finding yourself in a position completely beholden to him in which he could dump you at any time without consequence to himself.

You two been together for some time now. if your friends didn't drop any hints, did you plan to relocate with him anyway? Don't wait for proposal to move and don't move because you think he will propose later after everything settles down.

He probably did not like the pressure that he have to marry you in order for you to come with him. So he may decided not to ask you.... At least not yet anyway

I'm curious as to what happened?

Unless you're moving to a city like London where there's lots to do or some amazing place, I wouldn't leave an amazing support network for him. He hasn't even proposed yet and it is a big issue. You'll have children and miss your family. I've been there.
It's worked out okay for me but it's difficult without a support network around. However my DH did propose to me without hints.
I don't know if this is modern 21st century stuff but it seems so long winded. I think even with a proposal it is so much to consider when moving. If it's a better place go for it. But if not then there is no price on the support you get from family and friends.