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Original poster

Should he propose if I'm relocating for him?

62 replies

flso · 21/04/2016 12:18

My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years, and we've been living together for just over a year. He's been told he might be getting a promotion at work soon, which could mean moving 100 miles away from where we are currently based. I'm looking for a new job anyway, so the timing isn't too bad, but I will miss all my friends and my siblings who live nearby. Both of our sets of parents and lots of our friends have been dropping (in some cases very unsubtle!) hints to him about when he's going to ask me to marry him, and he already knows that when he asks the answer will be yes.

Friends have suggested that men have a one track mind and that he's only focused on the job at the moment and that then he'll ask. I'm not sure how I feel about moving all that way with no 'formal' commitment, and I've mentioned that to him that I would be giving up a lot to move.

My parents and some of my friends think he should propose if he's asking/expecting me to relocate for him. I don't want to put extra pressure on him whilst he's working hard for the promotion, but... do you think they're right?

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 21/04/2016 14:14

You've dropped enough hints - I would assume that he either doesn't want to marry you, or he's not ready for marriage yet. I also wouldn't move 100 miles to be with someone who wasn't committed enough to marry me, especially if that meant moving away from my friends, family and job.

Original poster
flso · 21/04/2016 14:29

Thanks everyone for your comments. This has been really helpful. I'm going to speak to him this weekend to find out where he sees 'us' going and make it clear that I want to get married in the next couple of years... and see what happens!

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 21/04/2016 14:32

Good for you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2016 15:12

No of course he shouldn't. Do you think that you relocating was for 'his' benefit and therefore marriage should be your 'reward'? That's really messed up thinking if so and a recipe for disaster.

Relocate if you want to, if it works for YOU, don't do it because you think that it will cement him to you, it won't. Marriage is something that a couple decides on, not one of the couple. You want to marry him - does he want to marry you? That really is the question, isn't it?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/04/2016 15:39

It's only been 3 years
I think he's been happy with arrangements so far but OP raised the subject of marrying before they moved in together.
He's not shown any sign of action and maybe he'll keep on dodging the issue- unless as suggested, he wants to sort out the promotion first.

Three years as a couple and of that, already a year living together. I don't think it is too early to be honest about how each sees the future. Ignore the background chorus of 'Has he proposed yet?' but good luck with your talk. It's not being pushy to have a plan and make important decisions.

Eustace2016 · 21/04/2016 15:47

He proposed to me when I was relocating to a great legal jobs in London and he relocated hundreds of miles for me.... better that way round in 2016. You out earn him and you'll soon get a proposal.

Yours may not be the marrying kind or he might realise you'll earn less so he's up shit creek without a paddle if you split up whereas if you don't marry and just live together he's in the clear.

mouldycheesefan · 21/04/2016 15:52

You have already told him you want to marry him, shown him the ring you want and given him a beer bottle with that written on (cringe). These are not hints they are sledgehammers with 'Marry me" written on.
Personally, no I would not relocate in these circumstances. Because you are not happy with the current set up so why would you relocate a hundred miles away?

Goingtobeawesome · 21/04/2016 16:36

Why the next couple of years? Imo if he doesn't know after three that he wants to marry you then id say he doesn't Sad.

Falling270 · 21/04/2016 16:43

After two and a half years I told my boyfriend (and we had both said we wanted to get married) that "girlfriend and boyfriend" didn't properly describe our relationship any more and it was time we got engaged. He booked a holiday for us and a month later we were engaged. A week after the proposal we had booked the wedding. If he wants to make it happen he can. Tell him what you want, give him the chance to act and see what his actions tell you.

expatinscotland · 21/04/2016 16:53

You want to get married. He doesn't. Don't fall for that 'in the next couple of years'. Or leave your job and friends and family behind for a boyfriend who isn't on the same page as you wrt commitment.

He gets the job, you say, 'That's wonderful. I'm sure you'll do well there and have a lovely time there.' And then decide if you want a LDR or not.

GibbousHologram · 21/04/2016 16:58

Has he asked you to go with him?

GemmaB78 · 21/04/2016 17:14

I relocated 300 miles from a place I loved to somewhere initially I hated (3 months in and it's growing on me - slowly) to be with my DP after he was offered the job he'd been trying to get for 18 months. BUT our circumstances are slightly different:

  1. We have a child together and we made a decision TOGETHER about what was best for us as a family.
  2. I know that he totally has my back and vice versa.
  3. If I'd flat out refused, we wouldn't have moved.

At the time we weren't engaged, but we have had an adult, two-way conversation about it and decided to get hitched next spring. No ultimatum from me, no "reward".

You need to separate the two things: move because it's the right thing for you two to do as a couple. Marry because it's the right thing for you two to do as a couple. The two shouldn't depend on each other.

Cabrinha · 21/04/2016 17:22

Don't move unless it's better for your career too.
Don't listen to friends wittering about weddings unless you're 17.
If you want to be married, ask him.

mzmum78 · 21/04/2016 17:49

I relocated overseas for my long term partner 9 years ago. My mum felt the same that I shouldn't go "without a ring on my finger" but we weren't there yet
We did end up getting married about 3 years later
I say go if you think there's a future but make it also about yourself. I didn't have anything when I came overseas and it was all about him. You need to make sure you have something for you and can make a life for yourself
Good luck

Hillfarmer · 21/04/2016 17:49

Can I check we are in the 21st century? I really don't get the 'wanting to be asked'. You are a grown-up, not a tweenager writing boys names on your book covers. If you want to get married, ask him to marry you. If he doesn't, he'll say no.

Get on with it!

Eustace2016 · 21/04/2016 17:53

Test him - say you've got a very good job 100 miles in the other direction and will he give up his career for you and move with you?

SeaCabbage · 21/04/2016 18:02

Love Eustace's idea.

All the pressure from your parents and friend would surely just put him off. Pressure isn't good.

GibbousHologram · 21/04/2016 18:26

Don't test him, it's not a trick, just talk to him. You know, like adults who love and trust each other.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/04/2016 18:33

You've got this the wrong way round! It's YOU who should be thinking vvvv seriously about whether or not you should give up your whole life relocate to a man who hasn't proposed.

I think you shouldn't. :) You'll feel even more vulnerable/needy/dependant on him if you move for HIS job and leave your friends, family, life behind.

Please stop talking, showing rings, giving him beer bottle proposal hints. You're not his Mum. Really, he knows what to do.

Ragwort · 21/04/2016 18:41

Like (nearly) everyone else has said, you need a blunt conversation about this - if marriage is important to you (and yes, after three years and possibly relocating with someone I would want the formal comittment of marriage) you need to make this absolutely clear to your boyfriend. Don't fall for the 'let's talk about it again in a couple of years time line'. My boyfriend and I were living 200 miles apart when we both moved to be together and we were both really clear that we would be getting married - we bought the house together and married a month later - still together after 27 years Grin.

There are plenty of threads on Mumsnet from women who would like to be married - are living with their partner, have children with him but, for whatever reason, the man won't commit to marriage.

Of course not everyone believes in marriage, but if you do - then be clear to your boyfriend about this.

LuckyTr33 · 21/04/2016 22:10

I know people who commute 100 miles to work daily one way

I would stay with your family, job and friends

He can start his new job

Then see what happens

Viewofhedges · 22/04/2016 12:20

I married my DH after an LTR. We didn't have a 'traditional' proposal but a frank conversation about me moving and us marrying. Turned out he thought he'd ask after I moved; turned out I didn't feel comfortable moving without us being engaged. So we decided together.

It wasn't all flowers and doves but it meant we did what was right for us. Stop hinting and just talk to him.

sooperdooper · 22/04/2016 12:53

I agree with Hillfarmer, why are you waiting for him to ask? Why is it his decision?

If you want to get married tell him that, have a proper conversation about it and decide as a couple, I don't got the life of me understand why any woman still considers marriage to be something that's decided for her, rather than something to have an active choice in

BackforGood · 22/04/2016 13:09

I wouldn't want someone to propose to me because they felt pressured into it by other people.

However, I don't get the "I'm waiting for him to propose" bit either.
Well over 20 yrs ago, the decision to get married was something very much equally decided upon by dh and I, it's about talking together about what's important to you in life - as it sounds like you did before moving in together.
I think you need to sit down and have another chat before you resign and relocate. Let him now that it's important to you to get married, and see how he feels. The 'waiting for him to propose' bit is daft - TALK to the man.

HarlotBronte · 22/04/2016 13:15

You shouldn't move without a proposal if its especially important to you. All this traditionalist stuff is rather silly though, especially in your situation. Three years is long enough for both of you to be entitled to put your cards on the table and see the other person's. None of this pissing about, you're not a medieval princess.