Coping with being the sole earner and feeling resentful.

[rockabella]

I am the sole earner, juggling being a student with a part-time job so our income is a combination of my student loan and wages. DP had all benefits removed once I started receiving a student loan.

The pressure of being the sole earner, in a low-income household is starting to mount up and I am beginning to feel resentful towards DP. He lost his job through pro-longed illness and was receiving ESA, which he changed to JSA when he was well on the road to recovery and ready to face getting a job again. He has stuggled to find work but has received an unconditional offer for September to study something he has wanted to do for years and could lead to a well paid job. DP is older than me so going back to education is a big deal for him.

His JSA was stopped as they decided my student loan raised our income above the limit, we currently get by on £900 between us a month, to cover rent,bills, car and insurance and general living expenses. We don't have children, but very much want them and are planning on waiting until DP has finished his studies and is earning.

The problem?

I'm beginning to feel resentful of my DP not bringing any money to the table. In my head he isn't doing enough to find work in the meantime, although I know deep down his choices are limited due to his health but with the right job it would be fine. I feel like he makes excuses for not applying for certain jobs, but I don't know if this is just the resent talking. He does a lot around the house, 80% of the housework and most of the dog walking duties. He doesn't smoke, drink excessively or gamble but he does spend money on video games or his collectable items, sometimes he does spend too much but he is aware of this and has sold on or returned items he has bought on impulse.

I have debts of £2000 which I would like to start paying off, I'd like us to be able to go on holiday and to pay back family that has helped us out when times have been exceptionally difficult. DP doesn't seem as money-focused as me, and avoids the conversation. I am stressed, and feel like I am thinking about money constantly to the point seeing him buy something at £1 infuriates me and I can't get out of my head that it is "my money". I'm sick of being stressed, and feeling pressured by money but I am also sick of being a horrible person. I'm sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant and moan more than anything, but really what I want to know is how you cope with being a sole earner? Do you ever feel pangs of resentment? How do you deal with it?

Thank you in advance!

I think a long hard look into the future is a good idea, particularly if you think he is likely to find it difficult to stay in work ft or even pt.

I'm feeling some sympathy for him because generally people don't want to be seriously ill, or to struggle to recover (have been in this position myself, and was lucky to have a supportive partner). I know it is also hard work being that supportive partner, though, especially when money is tight. I think this needs more direct talking. Sit down and agree a budget for you both, including a little fun money, and stick to it (it's a good sign in my book that he has started to return purchases so there is hope). Work out what jobs he's physically able to cope with and tell him you want him to take one before his course starts to make you more financially stable, even if it's limited hours. Accept that a holiday may be out of reach or two nights in a Travelodge for now (I don't actually know how so many people afford foreign holidays even when working, to be honest). And see if he steps up once he's got used to the idea that you feel strongly about this.

Peggy Surprised at you saying her money is family money when yesterday you told a poster who's a SAHP that they had no right to their husband's money. Evidently it's different for men.

What is the nature of his illness, and what is the likelihood of him getting and keeping a job after his studies? Will a demanding role compromise his health?

There is a long time between now and Sept. I think he needs to show some willingness to get a job, any job, and bring in some money so things are less tight for you both. Admin, tutoring, cleaning, stacking shelves (if health allows), gardening (""), paid online surveys - he should be doing whatever he can to help.

I think another factor is his work history and illness will show up on a cv and with the best will in the world might out potential employers off.

What exactly is his illness? Doesn't stop him playing video games then.

Sorry OP, he;'s a lazy git in my book, unless he is completely incapacitated then there's no reason in the world whey he has no job.

Something just not right with a man sponging off a woman - you are right to feel resentful. Surely if his illness prevents him working then he'd be entitled to disability or some other kind of benefit other than JSA?

You've a cock lodger there and I don't see anything changing, no wonder you feel resentful.

I think the responses are very much worst case scenario!

This guy was working and contributing and lost his job through unexpectedly long illness. It's quite hard to get ESA, so I would say genuine illness - and he was working until that point. He moved from ESA to JSA and the OP certsiy words that like he wanted to work again. He's also successfully applied for a job with better earning potential.

All of which sounds more dynamic than the replies give him credit for, I think.

I would be judging him based on how hard he's trying to find a job now (if he's discounting things he shouldn't) and also how he was before he became unwell.

Honestly, I personally would run a mile from someone who had paid his money into my account because his bank was hard to deal with! Really?! I've never known a bank you can't pay money in and out of easily. I just wouldn't suit someone with the personality that they let me play banker, like the parent. Fuck that.

And again honestly - who wants to support someone financially who is unwell? I would support my fiancé as I love him - but I wouldn't be keen.

But it sounds like this was depression and it's not uncommon for someone to have a single serious episode and then be OK, or OK with medication - for life.

There's not enough info here to know whether he's a perfectly reliable man who was ill and now struggles to find a job but previously contributed equally and has a career plan lined up with the course or... is a lazy arse!

What is clear is that OP might not suit someone who is fairly happy go lucky about money coming in.

I'll try and answer what I can.

His bank kept taking random amounts out of his account for an overdraft he didn't have or agree too, and they admitted they were in the wrong but it all became a bit of a nightmare. He is going to open a new account with another bank for his student loan and close his account with the current provider.

DP has minor mental health issues, has done since he was a child but this is rarely an issue in day to day life, his medication is stable and works well but he had a physical illness and underwent a lot of medical testing. He has a severe case reynaulds syndrome which is very rare in men, his heart wasn't sending blood around his body properly as well as a lot of joint and muscle pain and inflamation and extreme fatigue. He has very little cartiledge left in his joints. He was deemed unfit for work by ATOS, and had a spokesperson to help him as at this time his depression did become a factor as nobody wants to be so unwell. DP plays videogames with gloves on or his hands resting on a hot waterbottle on days where his hands are too cold and stiff to move. For the most part his illnesses are managed by medication but he wouldn't be able to do an overly physical job or anything that required extreme dexterity.

I am in my mid twenties, he is early 30s and had worked in various jobs and was fully employed until he became illl. I wonder if it may be a confidence thing due to how long he has been out of work (2years total) and although he does try, I feel like he could do more, but then I feel guilty as he does so much around the house, its not as if he sits paying video games for hours.

I know its an unusual dynamic, and not one I expected to be in. A well paid job is probably less here than other parts of the UK, the general cost of living in my local area is quite low.

Im sorry hes pulling a fast one....he cant do a job that requires extreme dexteritry...but can play computor games all day....yeah...that needs fine dexteritry....he does housework....how much ...theres only the 2 of you...what would it be like with a couple of kids....if it was that bad why isnt he on esa now....like i said pulling a fast one...and you are a mug!

So you tell him his full time job is to find a full time job but settle for part time if needs be.

...but ask him if he feels his confidence has been hit by bring out of work. Mine was even though it shouldn't be.

wow some of the replies on here are harsh fucking cruel. Your dp has a disability, one that you were aware of when you got together presumably but was acceptable as he was working .Now that he is not working (due to his illness) and inability to find another job (from the sounds of it due to a mixture of being unable to find a suitable role and his disability) people are telling you he is a cocklodger and to get rid. Nice. Hope none of you find yourselves with a disability.

Op, life swings in roundabouts. You are the main breadwinner just now. But in 1/2/5/10 years time roles could be reversed, would you expect your dp to stand by you and support you. Or would he be justified in telling you to fuck off and sponge off someone else? All it takes is one bad pregnancy/fall/illness.

JSA is only paid to people that are deemed capable of working.

wibble: he is capable of working, doing anything, so please tell me why this isn't the case?

Jan, the op says herself For the most part his illnesses are managed by medication but he wouldn't be able to do an overly physical job or anything that required extreme dexterity. so no her dp couldn't just do anything! And whilst he may be able to manage his illness, its possibly enough to scare off any potential employer was the op's dp able to find a suitable job.

As for JSA is only paid to people that are deemed capable of working pahahaha. They insisted my brother was fit for work, taken off est and put on jsa. Despite consultant letters and us trying to tell them. By the time my brother got his his payment of jsa he was sectioned. But apparently still able to find and hold down a full time job .

By anything I mean part time, full time, flexible, temporary..........cleaning, pub work, volunteering for his CV, there are loads of stuff he could be doing to improve his chances of work, he's doing none of them.

Pah all you want Wobble but JSA is only paid to those deemed able to work, otherwise the OPs OH would be getting disability allowance and other related benefits. He gets none, she is the sole provider.

Not fair on the OP at all.

cleaning and pub work tend to be physically demanding roles, so dp may not be well enough to do these.

JSA is only paid to people that are deemed capable of working in theory. The reality, as faced by my brother and countless others, is that there is a demand for the government to get esa and dla figures down, so these people have no choice but to claim jsa. Unless your saying im making everything up about my brother! or they fall into the big black hole of not being 'ill enough' to claim esa or dla nor being healthy enough for jsa"

op, how long was your dp claiming jsa for? I think you said he has been unemployed for 2 years, was he on jsa for those full 2 years.

Physical illness and unemployment can really take their toll on your mental health and confidence. Given that he's had minor mental health issues in the past I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's been struggling emotionally as well. However,he is doing the housework, dog walking and job searching (albeit not as much as he should be) so I don't think he is being lazy or a cocklodger. Some PPs are being very harsh and judgemental on that score.

If he is struggling with his mental health and/or confidence about finding a job, I suggest he contacts the Richmond Fellowship, which is a charity that helps people with mental health issues to find suitable work. They are basically the opposite of the job centre: very understanding, encouraging and supportive.

I do think he should be doing more to find a job. He could look for a part-time job that he could continue alongside his studies, or a temporary job that he could finish before he starts studying, or there is nothing to stop him finding a longer term job and simply quitting (often there is a 3-6 month probation and people do leave jobs when they don't work out).

I understand why you feel resentful but I suggest that you try not to be angry towards him, but instead calmly explain that you're worried about money, and encourage him to contact Richmond Fellowship and/or do more to find a job.

I agre with Cabrinha

This is what it's like being a student, it's shitty and you will feel bad and you will miss out on things. But it's not forever.

It's not like he's not pulling his weight. He is. All the time people on here defend women who stay at home and are home-makers, because they value the contribution they make. He has health issues but is going to uni and that's brilliant - you've had your time to get a qualification and now he will.

Holidays are a pipe dream when youre in this situation. I didn't have one for five years and my partner was working. You can't have everything and when you're in education you're working towards getting those things.

That being said, if you're not happy then you need to talk about how things will change. You have one life

potato do you know anything about Reynauds disease?! Do you know the pain it can cause when you don't have sufficient cartilage - which is what the OP has said he suffers from?

I think a lot of the PP's perhaps are not realising how it dents your confidence when you have been out of work or off work for a while.
I had altogether six months off work last year (sickness), and I wanted to get back to my job but felt very anxious for about 10 days beforehand and for a week or so after my return. The OP's DP has had a condition that has has a serious detrimental effect on his physical abilities, and I do think that studying will help to regain some of his confidence.
I honestly think that if he is in a mentally fragile state it would be unfair for the OP to push the work issue at the moment. Perhaps suggest some voluntary work where there will be less pressure on him to "perform" and would help him regain his confidence.

You could end up as his carer and he as a person whose only means of exercising power is via his illness

I can see why it's not easy for him to pick up casual work, in the circumstances and why he might be a bit scared about having to tell people about his problem and worrying about being discriminated against. You know him best, in your shoes I'd make it clear that you expect him to be able to earn money and until that happens, he has to rein in his spending and holidays etc are off. Time will tell, but if I'm completely honest, I wouldn't have DC with someone until I was sure that they could continue to hold down a job again and weren't going to flake out. Having children is very tiring and taxing on the body and you need both people to be able to earn some money and do some childcare, unless you've got other back-up.

Wobble: he manages to clean the house, the OP has said he's good at that and dog walking so I don't agree that he can't do part time cleaning or bar work. In fact some people make a living out of dog walking now.

Volunteering? Charity work? Something, anything that will look good on the CV, being out of work for 2 years is not going to look good on any CV.

Yes some people are treated badly by the benefits system but some also scam it so I suppose something has to be done to try and flush out the chancers and there are plenty of them, I've worked in the care/social/homeless sector myself and saw it with my own eyes, I am not here to discuss the ins and outs of who is entitled to benefits Wobble.

It's true that he could get some dog walking work, that could work out pretty well. He probably needs to be a bit creative and brainstorm all the things he could reasonably do (based on his health).

What do you see in your future? Do you want holidays and children? It sounds unlikely with a man with a disability that limits his income. You are still young. It might sound harsh, but if you want more money, either you find a way to earn more yourself, or find a man that brings in more money.

Dog walking pays £12 per hour in my neck of the woods [London but it's still extortionate] Dog sitting with a daily walk is £15-20 per day depending on where a dog is housed when you are on holiday.

You could house-sit elsewhere as a "holiday".

While I appreciate that it all sounds like a treadmill, you can't have your cake and eat it.

I am somewhat bemused/amused that student loans are consider income. Don't you have to pay them back at some point??