Coping with being the sole earner and feeling resentful.

[rockabella]

I am the sole earner, juggling being a student with a part-time job so our income is a combination of my student loan and wages. DP had all benefits removed once I started receiving a student loan.

The pressure of being the sole earner, in a low-income household is starting to mount up and I am beginning to feel resentful towards DP. He lost his job through pro-longed illness and was receiving ESA, which he changed to JSA when he was well on the road to recovery and ready to face getting a job again. He has stuggled to find work but has received an unconditional offer for September to study something he has wanted to do for years and could lead to a well paid job. DP is older than me so going back to education is a big deal for him.

His JSA was stopped as they decided my student loan raised our income above the limit, we currently get by on £900 between us a month, to cover rent,bills, car and insurance and general living expenses. We don't have children, but very much want them and are planning on waiting until DP has finished his studies and is earning.

The problem?

I'm beginning to feel resentful of my DP not bringing any money to the table. In my head he isn't doing enough to find work in the meantime, although I know deep down his choices are limited due to his health but with the right job it would be fine. I feel like he makes excuses for not applying for certain jobs, but I don't know if this is just the resent talking. He does a lot around the house, 80% of the housework and most of the dog walking duties. He doesn't smoke, drink excessively or gamble but he does spend money on video games or his collectable items, sometimes he does spend too much but he is aware of this and has sold on or returned items he has bought on impulse.

I have debts of £2000 which I would like to start paying off, I'd like us to be able to go on holiday and to pay back family that has helped us out when times have been exceptionally difficult. DP doesn't seem as money-focused as me, and avoids the conversation. I am stressed, and feel like I am thinking about money constantly to the point seeing him buy something at £1 infuriates me and I can't get out of my head that it is "my money". I'm sick of being stressed, and feeling pressured by money but I am also sick of being a horrible person. I'm sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant and moan more than anything, but really what I want to know is how you cope with being a sole earner? Do you ever feel pangs of resentment? How do you deal with it?

Thank you in advance!

[wibblewobble8]

this thread is a bit depressing. Op has stated clearly the physical issues her dp suffers from yet people jumping in saying he could clearly do cleaning/bar/work/dog walking etc. When actually an ounce of common sense tells you he probably isn't. Cleaning in a paid job is not like cleaning at home. At home you can take your time, go gently, miss the hard bits out or not do them to such a high standard, sit down or take a break when you are tired. Try doing that on the job and see how long you last. Bar work? He's not particularly dextrioius due to his illness and cant use his hands for overly long periods so kinda rules that out. Dog walking, other people have already ruled that out. Its all just short of saying he is faking/milking his illness and he is just a lazy bastard and should 'just' go out and get work.

[Barefoot4]

I have been the main bread winner for many years. And I even had to give up a job I loved in a different country to return to one I hated. It didn't work for me. I dealt with it badly - see my post. on monogamy. It doesn't work for me now.

[MunchCrunch01]

I've got a big pulling dog and he's been rejected by dog walkers - one of them said she got strains in her arms as a lot of them will pull a bit when they see something exciting and of course you have to do it in all weathers at set times usually. So he'd be looking to walk small dogs, you could be explicit about that but it's not the ideal choice for him. I think you need to talk to him about why you feel so anxious, and your expectations, you're not being unreasonable to have them.

[rockabella]

I've not stated anywhere he plays Xbox all day, it's one of his hobbies but if that was all he done day-in and day-out I'd have been long gone. Our dog is very easy to walk, no pulling etc and trots along beside DP, they are both happy to just go slow so I don't know how he could cope with lead pullers etc if he did do dog walking all though I will look into that.

DP doesn't drive, we couldn't afford another driver atm anyway but local transport links are good for town, getting to the nearest city for work would be impossible right now as the costs are so high it would probably out-weight it being worth a part-time or low paid job. He can type though as he can keep his gloves on etc if his fingers feel like they will seize up so office or call centre based may be an option.

I think DP sees us coming out of the tunnel whilst I feel firmly stuck in it, our earnings WILL go up in September as I can take on more clients, which hasn't been possible with my studies and it's likely I can get a job fairly quickly, high demand for drivers in our area in various roles, until something related to my studies crops up.

[Standalittletaller]

I am not as sympathetic towards as him as others posters are, based on what you say about him, probably because he is not looking very hard for work and I would hate to live with a man who played non-stop on the Xbox.

I understand the resentment because I was with a man who did not want to work and would find any excuse under the sun not to.

It depends I suppose on how much you can accept it. Do you plan to have children? Get married? I would rethink things because although ideally couples would support each other through times of ill health, the fact you are feeling resentful and don't like him spending money is going to be an issue for you until he is contributing. If he is going on to study it will be some time before he will be earning and you will find the resentment builds.

[MunchCrunch01]

I don't know about dog walking, a lot of dogs aren't that well trained and pull on their leads so that's again pretty stressful on joints and muscles. it is hard to think of a temp job that would really work - temping in an office presumably will require a lot of typing which may not be ideal?

[amarmai]

cd he do some dog walking for $$? it is possible to make money doing this.

[DontMindMe1]

for now, if he is capable of doing 80% of the housework,taking the dog out and playing computer games all day.......then it's pretty obvious he can do exactly the same stuff AND get paid for it. oh..and I went out with an ex-box addict once and there's no way you can play those games with hands as sore as he's making out

i can't be on my feet all day so need a mainly sitting down one (a waste of my bar and waiteressing experience). i can't do the 'busy' roles i `previously did like secretarial and PA, just don't have the energy for them. and quite frankly i don't like being surrounded by and having to deal with PEOPLE day in day out 5 days a week seriously, constant face to face interaction that most jobs require drains me nowadays. my advisor at the jobcentre laughed when i said i wanted and needed a job where i didn't have to bother with people if i didn't want to. he thought i was joking.

but i wasn't. i eventually found and got the right job - in a call centre. i love chit chatting on the phone and it's easy work. yes, i'm in an open plan office surrounded by people, the pay is shit and management don't really give a shit about anything other than money - but i get to spend the whole day sat on my backside inbetween calls i can research stuff on the internet, read my kindle books or even just close my eyes and meditate....and i only socialise/chat with others when i feel like it. there is a job out there for your dp, he just needs to want it. Plus, everyone knows you can resign from work anytime, so there's nothing stopping him working a full time permanent contract and handing his notice in just before his course starts.

[DontMindMe1]

i lost my job through depression related illness. took me almost 4 years before i was ready to work again. It's not just the self esteem/confidence thing, or just the physical aspects of the job/commute, it's also having to deal with the mental and emotional stuff that goes with it - like having to deal with- shitty employment practices, 'office politics', bitchy people - or people in general

The fear of if/how i was going to cope, if i didn't and lost the job then i'd have to go through the whole process again, the anxiety and stress was almost paralyzing at times. i had to start slow and sent no more than 5 a week at first. once i had a better handle on the over racing thoughts of future/impending doom, i was able to get on with it properly.
for building confidence again i went to a couple of interviews knowing i didn't want to work there or even accept if offered. i just needed to feel comfortable with that whole process again. they were both terrible by the way, the interviews and the places of work but i walked away from them feeling a lot better in myself.

he's managed his other medical issues very well so far so i doubt he's happy at finding himself lumbered with yet another chronic illness. have you asked him how he honestly feels about his illness and the effect it's had so far on his life, and how it's going to impact on his future? Given the nature of his physical illness does he need to re-think his career choice? How compatible will his future job/career be in regards to his health and medical needs? How does it affect/limit his future plans/goals? no point studying for something you won't be able to do. and there's no point burying your head in the sand because that won't make the future go away.

[rockabella]

Again I'll answer what I can, in the eyes of the DWP student loans are considered an income and have to be delcared and taken into account to claim certain benefits. DP wasn't 100% to be looking for work again but because my student loan has a break during summer I had to sign on as my part-time earnings are so low, and you cannot claim ESA and JSA as a couple, it has to be one or the other and we were forced into the JSA claim because DWP are the spawn of satan but that is another story. This made it much harder for DP to get back on ESA after my summer break and as he was doing well with treatments and medication he decided to continue on JSA and was placed in a work-group with those who had been ill and were getting back to work. He was given a paid placement but was removed the day before it was due to start as they decided my loan meant our income was too high.

When I take that into consideration it most likely has dented his confidence, a lot and having being a fit and active person before his illness manifested he probably doesn't feel too good about himself. I love DP dearly, we are engaged and life was good before his illness, and going by some replies maybe I just have to suck it up and weather the storm, this won't be forever and a bright side could be on the horizon. I will chat with DP and see how he feels about doing more odd-job type jobs than full on employment as this may be easier on him and I might suggest we sit and update both our CVs etc to maybe spur him on.

Thank you everyone.

[LuckyTr33]

"He spends 2-3 hours a week job hunting online"

If he is not working he should be spending 8 hours a day job hunting !
Plus handing out his CV s to local companies
There must be some kind of job he can do ? driving, telephone, anything
Volunteering
Plus doing chores round the house
I see little effort
If he can work it would probably help to improve his health

Although study in September is a positive and I would expect some part time work or volunteering

If you want children and holidays suggest you need to have a big think about your future plans and what you need to do to achieve your goals
Short term goals
Long term goals
With or without your current partner

[MaybeDoctor]

I said that was my personal belief, nothing about other people's relationships.

If people who are not married are happy to support a partner who is sick, disabled or unable to work, then that is a wonderful thing.

But there is no legal relationship or obligation between two cohabiting individuals - the OP is not bound to her partner in any way, if she desires not to be. She is a young woman and if she is having doubts about her DP now (as this thread would suggest) I think it is important for her to be aware that she does not have to choose this as her life.

[wibblewobble8]

That is incredibly offensive and untrue. Im glad someone else thinks this.

I do believe in 'in sickness and in health'. But that is in the context of marriage where you have made those promises.

Aah so the rest of us who choose not to get married, we dont have any real love dignity or respect towards our partners. Become ill at your own peril cos we might just drop your useless dead weight. And that never happens in married couples because of the in sickness and in health bit! Or people, married or not, support their partners because they love them, and want to spend the rest of their lives together.

[MaybeDoctor]

The extra info does put things into context. He has clearly been very ill. But if he is working towards studying, there might well be some kind of work he could do.

I do believe in 'in sickness and in health'. But that is in the context of marriage where you have made those promises.

He may well need to be supported financially by his spouse or partner in the future. The thing you need to decide is whether or not you want it to be you.

[GraysAnalogy]

What do you see in your future? Do you want holidays and children? It sounds unlikely with a man with a disability that limits his income

That is incredibly offensive and untrue.

[HarlotBronte]

OP says they're in a very low cost of living area, which tends to go along with jobs being harder to get and there being fewer opportunities to pick up money doing bits and bobs like dog walking because there aren't so many people who have the money to pay for it. Housesitting might be a plan though.

You only have to pay student loans back if you earn over the threshold for long enough to do it.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Dog walking pays £12 per hour in my neck of the woods [London but it's still extortionate] Dog sitting with a daily walk is £15-20 per day depending on where a dog is housed when you are on holiday.

You could house-sit elsewhere as a "holiday".

While I appreciate that it all sounds like a treadmill, you can't have your cake and eat it.

I am somewhat bemused/amused that student loans are consider income. Don't you have to pay them back at some point??

[HeadDreamer]

What do you see in your future? Do you want holidays and children? It sounds unlikely with a man with a disability that limits his income. You are still young. It might sound harsh, but if you want more money, either you find a way to earn more yourself, or find a man that brings in more money.

[NameChange30]

It's true that he could get some dog walking work, that could work out pretty well. He probably needs to be a bit creative and brainstorm all the things he could reasonably do (based on his health).

[Jan45]

Wobble: he manages to clean the house, the OP has said he's good at that and dog walking so I don't agree that he can't do part time cleaning or bar work. In fact some people make a living out of dog walking now.

Volunteering? Charity work? Something, anything that will look good on the CV, being out of work for 2 years is not going to look good on any CV.

Yes some people are treated badly by the benefits system but some also scam it so I suppose something has to be done to try and flush out the chancers and there are plenty of them, I've worked in the care/social/homeless sector myself and saw it with my own eyes, I am not here to discuss the ins and outs of who is entitled to benefits Wobble.

[MunchCrunch01]

I can see why it's not easy for him to pick up casual work, in the circumstances and why he might be a bit scared about having to tell people about his problem and worrying about being discriminated against. You know him best, in your shoes I'd make it clear that you expect him to be able to earn money and until that happens, he has to rein in his spending and holidays etc are off. Time will tell, but if I'm completely honest, I wouldn't have DC with someone until I was sure that they could continue to hold down a job again and weren't going to flake out. Having children is very tiring and taxing on the body and you need both people to be able to earn some money and do some childcare, unless you've got other back-up.

[GraysAnalogy]

You could end up as his carer and he as a person whose only means of exercising power is via his illness

[HazelBite]

I think a lot of the PP's perhaps are not realising how it dents your confidence when you have been out of work or off work for a while.
I had altogether six months off work last year (sickness), and I wanted to get back to my job but felt very anxious for about 10 days beforehand and for a week or so after my return. The OP's DP has had a condition that has has a serious detrimental effect on his physical abilities, and I do think that studying will help to regain some of his confidence.
I honestly think that if he is in a mentally fragile state it would be unfair for the OP to push the work issue at the moment. Perhaps suggest some voluntary work where there will be less pressure on him to "perform" and would help him regain his confidence.

[GraysAnalogy]

potato do you know anything about Reynauds disease?! Do you know the pain it can cause when you don't have sufficient cartilage - which is what the OP has said he suffers from?

[GraysAnalogy]

I agre with Cabrinha

This is what it's like being a student, it's shitty and you will feel bad and you will miss out on things. But it's not forever.

It's not like he's not pulling his weight. He is. All the time people on here defend women who stay at home and are home-makers, because they value the contribution they make. He has health issues but is going to uni and that's brilliant - you've had your time to get a qualification and now he will.

Holidays are a pipe dream when youre in this situation. I didn't have one for five years and my partner was working. You can't have everything and when you're in education you're working towards getting those things.

That being said, if you're not happy then you need to talk about how things will change. You have one life