Deceptive husband

[essieestherson]

This is my first post on here. Trying to keep it short... My husband and I have been married for 5 years, have 2 children together and I am 7 months pregnant with our third..

Our relationship has mainly been very good, though there have been times when he will flip out for no reason, he has walked out his family a few times (only for a day or so.) When I fell pregnant with our 2nd son he was very unpleasant and made the whole pregnancy really tough for me.. (he loves our son to bits now) but because of all this things got very hard and I left him last February.

He wrote me a long letter saying how sorry he was for everything and how he would do anything to make me happy again. He saw a doctor and was put on tablets for depression and anxiety. Things got a little better.

I finally felt a bit happier and really felt content in my marriage, then a few weeks ago he went to Norwich to visit a client with work (he travels a lot with work) I was at home with our children and I sat down to watch something on our ipad and noticed a message had come through on there (it is linked with his phone.) The message looks a bit strange so I opened and looked through, basically it said

'Hi do you have any appointments today.'
'No sorry I am booked today'
'That's a shame, you made a real impression on me last time ;-)'
'Sorry who is this'
'My name is I came to see you a few months ago, shame your busy today I was really hoping for a full hour this time :-)'

I googled the number and it came up with a 49 year old female escort who promised to give you full body to body contact massage and an explosive orgasm'

I phoned my husband straight away. He said we'd discuss when he got home... 30 minutes later he got home and his excuse was that he has a foot fetish and he rubbed this ladies feet.. (which just makes me feel sick) but clearly I don't think that would be all he got up to..

Obviously he didn't get a chance to see her that time but he had been before and god knows how many other ladies he has seen.

Anyway I was devastated, furious etc, he slept on the settee for one night, said he would never ever do anything like this again and then I decided to forgive him.

He has been trying really hard since but its 3 weeks later and I am just so messed up by it all...it doesn't help that I'm pregnant and hormonal but I just cant trust him at all and I'm not sure if I ever will... Am I being a complete idiot. He is a natural liar and I just no longer believe a word he says and constantly worry about what he's up to when he is out/at work.... WWYD!??

And don't sleep with him without barrier protection

I recommend the barrier protection of a spare bedroom brick wall.

There is that. Not sure op is there yet though

I have tried to find out exactly what he has done but I don't think there is anyway of me knowing for sure

Are you referring to the one occasion that you know of, or of the other sex workers he's most probably consorted with over the years?

It's a great shame that the 'massage and an explosive orgasm' session didn't involve a sadistic physiotherapist kneading your h's bollocks to the point of excruciating pain before ramming a lit stick of dynamite up his bum, but the clue to what took place is in the care taken to ensure there's no mention of the amys that guarantee an orgasm can be described as being more than a bang.

As AF has said upthread, he's a punter and fully-fledged punters always feel compelled to go back for more of whatever it is they get out of paying for sex.

Having been found out on this one occasion, I would put money on him making his next appointment sooner rather than later because a) he was gagging for it and b) he will want to get one over on you as the oldest profession embodies power and control that isn't solely confined to the transactions that take place within it.

You honestly won't be able to forgive and go back to normal, possible ever, definitely not in a few weeks. It's not emotionally possible. This shitty situation will keep making you miserable for a long time I'm afraid. Infidelity can be recovered from but it's not easy and requires more than one night on the sofa.

I know it would kill him if we separated..

He would no doubt like you to think so, enabling him to keep his claws in you.

To my mind, this isn't infidelity in the commonly accepted meaning of the word so much as it is the behaviour of a deeply flawed individual who may get off on rubbing his unsuspecting and compliant spouse's nose in it, so to speak, while hugging his secret 'victory' to himself.

I get the feeling he's jealous of you, OP, envious of those sterling qualities you have that he doesn't possess and that he's only content when he's made you unhappy. He is a spoilt child who has to be the centre of attention and woe betide anyone who gets or deserves more attention than he does.

For all his charisma, how many close male friends does he have and how long has he been friends with them?

I have a feeling that the effect of his "charisma" might be confined to op alone.

Anyfucker it does feel a bit like all your comments are just out there to insult me. I am a very smart women with a steady head on my shoulders. Things aren't always as black and white as they seem. He is very charismatic and has a very successful career because of this. He has 3 really good friends who have been his friends with for 20+ years. This marriage is my first ever real relationship. It's not been great and maybe I should think more about myself and stop worrying about how my decisions will affect him. I was just wanting some gentle advice really.

Morning Essie I'm sorry you've made this discovery and I have to agree with the pp.
I'm sure your H is charismatic, etc, etc but what he has done (that you know of) is disrespectful to you and your marriage. A good husband just doesn't do shit like that.
I found my STBXH was registered with a swingers site. What did I do? I confronted him, he made a lame excuse 'I was just looking', I accepted it and tried to move on. 4 months later I'm 18 weeks pregnant and find out he was having an affair. Looking back now I see him for what he is, porn addict, controlling, lazy, selfish and more!! But most of the time he is nice, friendly, great with kids and no one but me knows the truth.
Yes it's hard being a single mummy with a baby (I have a toddler too) But boy am I glad I found out that night. The alternative was and is not worth it!

OP, AF is telling you the truth.
Wether you want to hear it is neither here nor there.

I find it very hard to believe that this life you have is the life you dreamt of when you were younger. You sound depressed, almost broken in spirit and you're also minimising and making excuses for someone treating you awfully, and he is.

You can sugar coat it, put a fancy dress on it, paint it pink, but it's still a pile of shit.

I am a very smart women with a steady head on my shoulders
If this is the case, ask yourself one thing and answer truthfully.
How many Prostitutes would he have to put his cock into, how many STDs does he have to risk passing to you, how many times does his wedding ring have to touch another woman before you say that's enough?

For me one is enough.

this listen to it.
OP, you said this is your first real relationship. Think about what YOU want from a relationship. A kind man who doesn't abuse you? Doesn't neglect you? Who respects you? You CAN have that. Unfortunately not with him. If he hasn't slept with someone else he likely will because he's flimsy excuse worked! He'll be thinking 'Great, I got away with it. I'll be more careful next time'
I'm sorry the harsh reality upsets you but you deserve to know the truth. The ladies here have been through similar and, like me, they don't want to see another woman go through it.

I've been trying to forgive and go back to normal
Unfortunately, there is no NORMAL now.
He's changed all that.
What is HE doing to help you with all this?
What do you need him to do?
Other posters are right when they say you probably need a head space.
Just a bit of time to get your head around all of this.
If he is anywhere near decent he will get out of your hair and let you have that space.
If he won't, then you know he's a selfish shite who isn't thinking about what is best for you at all.

You say you are a forgiving and gentle person, then be that to yourself not him, he's the opposite of you and nasty with it.

It's so sad to read that you are staying with a man that treats you like crap and puts your health at risk, not to mention making a complete arse out your whole relationship - I'm kind and forgiving too OP but I draw the line when someone has just made a complete joke out of the marriage, would murder be your bar then cos it looks like you are willing to accept anything other.

You are clearly staying with him and brushing it under the carpet - wrong thing to do, he will do it again to you OP, he's not even had a consequence, he's still got his cushy life, is probably still arranging meeting his pro's as I type.

Ah so you're a very good wife and yet he still felt you weren't enough for him and wasn't worthy of him respecting his marriage vows.

The trap you're falling I. To is in judging him on when he's behaving himself. I judge the people in my life by what they are capable of at their worst. Neither me or my husband would even behave as your DH has and yet you believe him still to be worthy of you.

What a low bar you are setting. How would you feel if this was happening to a grown up daughter. Why should she forgive and forget?

I am sorry that you are willing to put up with such poor treatment from a partner