Deceptive husband

[essieestherson]

This is my first post on here. Trying to keep it short... My husband and I have been married for 5 years, have 2 children together and I am 7 months pregnant with our third..

Our relationship has mainly been very good, though there have been times when he will flip out for no reason, he has walked out his family a few times (only for a day or so.) When I fell pregnant with our 2nd son he was very unpleasant and made the whole pregnancy really tough for me.. (he loves our son to bits now) but because of all this things got very hard and I left him last February.

He wrote me a long letter saying how sorry he was for everything and how he would do anything to make me happy again. He saw a doctor and was put on tablets for depression and anxiety. Things got a little better.

I finally felt a bit happier and really felt content in my marriage, then a few weeks ago he went to Norwich to visit a client with work (he travels a lot with work) I was at home with our children and I sat down to watch something on our ipad and noticed a message had come through on there (it is linked with his phone.) The message looks a bit strange so I opened and looked through, basically it said

'Hi do you have any appointments today.'
'No sorry I am booked today'
'That's a shame, you made a real impression on me last time ;-)'
'Sorry who is this'
'My name is I came to see you a few months ago, shame your busy today I was really hoping for a full hour this time :-)'

I googled the number and it came up with a 49 year old female escort who promised to give you full body to body contact massage and an explosive orgasm'

I phoned my husband straight away. He said we'd discuss when he got home... 30 minutes later he got home and his excuse was that he has a foot fetish and he rubbed this ladies feet.. (which just makes me feel sick) but clearly I don't think that would be all he got up to..

Obviously he didn't get a chance to see her that time but he had been before and god knows how many other ladies he has seen.

Anyway I was devastated, furious etc, he slept on the settee for one night, said he would never ever do anything like this again and then I decided to forgive him.

He has been trying really hard since but its 3 weeks later and I am just so messed up by it all...it doesn't help that I'm pregnant and hormonal but I just cant trust him at all and I'm not sure if I ever will... Am I being a complete idiot. He is a natural liar and I just no longer believe a word he says and constantly worry about what he's up to when he is out/at work.... WWYD!??

There are lots of good points to him too. It's really obvious that his parents used to spoil him and let him get away with all kinds of things when he was younger. Even now his dad has seen him walk out on his family and not said a word. So I just put it down to silly, spoilt behaviour and thought maybe it would change over time. Certain things have improved but until a few weeks ago I never ever thought he would cheat.

Of course there are good points to him too. No-one is entirely bad.

But what kind of up-side is there that is so amazing that it outweighs his bad behaviour - aggression and lying and paying for sex?

He ruined your second pregnancy and, given the manner in which the deceitful little gobshite has ruined your third, you'd be the fool of the century if you allowed him to impregnate you again.

What you can be sure of is that he didn't visit a sex worker in order rub her feet and her ad is unlikely to contravene the Trades Description Act as he intended to go back for more. The problem is that, having been exposed for the sleazy slimeball he is, he'll go to great lengths to prevent you from making any further such discoveries. Sad to say, but I suspect that if you were able to search his past messages there'll be no indication of a foot fetish, but every indication that he has a prediliction for visting prostitutes and he'll only pay lip service to ending this particular form of recreation.

we have a whole life together, (nearly) 3 kids and we just bought our family home What once appeared to be "a whole life" is not only in pieces, but his behaviour has shown him to be unwholesome. How DARE he put you at risk of stis - he has gone so far beyond the bounds of acceptable behaviour that I can't see how you can forgive and forget and continue living with a man that you'll be unable to trust. Even without pg hormones the sight of him would make me want to vomit.

Raising 3 dc alone won't be a picnic, but it won't be as bad as your doomsayer dm makes out and I suggest you use your h in much the same way as he's used you by making iit clear that it's his responsibility to do as many household chores as possible and care for the dc when he's not at work from now until you are fully recovered from the birth of dc3, at which time you can make the considered decisions necessary to end your marriage to a man who is far from being what you once believed him to be.

I don't want to seem like I'm justifying his behaviour..I definitely am not. The aggression has pretty much stopped since he has been on his tablet and he is a very caring husband, always helps around the home and with the kids, cook, cleans etc. He's a very charismatic man and everyone loves him when they first meet him. I guess after reading all this though I can see how difficult he has made my life in the past and present. I am just struggling to imagine life without him.

What you and many other women on here are failing to realise is:

These nasty horrible men are not good enough for YOU, it's never the other way, they are the ones that are lacking, not you - you really have to love yourself here and decide you are worth way more than these scraps of inadequate men.

I think you are in shock and of course don't want a change in your life, I hope you make that change in the future and drop him like a bomb.

Silly, spoilt behaviour ?

Christ what are you, his mummy ?

The man is a user of the sex industry and doesn't give a shit about you. He's a punter, love.

I don't know how you can bear to look at him.

I was talking about other behaviours of his being silly and spoilt. Not him visiting an escort....

I get what you're all saying (some of you quite harshly). I'm just quite a forgiving and accepting person, I don't think that because he has visited an escort it means he doesn't care about me. I do think that this may be too big for me to forgive though...

You were using his "silly, spoilt" behaviour in mitigation for his punting.

Your bar is set very, very low. I would not have this man in my house again. Ever.

No I really wasn't. I was using it to describe lots of other things about him....(that probably wasn't clear). I don't think visiting an escort is silly and spoilt. I think visiting an escort is disgusting, disrespectful and completely unacceptable.

Sounds like he was clearly a grade A arsehole to you (and since the DC to his DC too) even before this revelation. Behaving like one over many years has fuck all to do with his mental health!

There will be other nasty stuff you don't know about.

If he wants to be a decent father he still can, without being in a relationship with you.

From what I am reading, he's very much gotten away with his behaviour and it won't be the last time he does something like this either - he'll just be far more discreet next time.

You said you're giving him a hard time but (and please don't take this offensively I don't mean it that way) I honestly don't think you have. Making him sleep it off on the couch isn't sending him the right message.

I can understand some people have lower thresholds than others for being treated like crap & forgiving - but I think visiting escorts takes the proverbial biscuit.
You'll need to at least think about counselling to work through this because trust really is like a mirror, once it's broken you can tape it back together but the cracks will always be visible.

Really think about what message you want for your sons - you're setting yourself up for a life of being walked over/cheated on and your boys will catch on eventually & it'll become a normal way of life. This very much happened to me and after seeing my dad disappear on my mum and cheat on her several times really left an imprint on my personality - I'm always just waiting to be cheated on and it makes me a very difficult person to be in a relationship with!

He's not a terrible person, a lot of the time he is lovely caring husband and father

Except that is easily forgotten by him when he wants to get his rocks off?
That's not a decent person, that's a fucking awful person.

Essie

Do you have a community midwife? Or your health visitor? Do you like them? Would you tell one of them what your husband has done? And that you suspect he's done a lot more. She can advise on exactly what tests you and the baby need. And she'll also be able to refer you to other places for support.

Would finding more evidence help? So you knew that you knew that you knew that he'd done more than he claims. (Everything I've ever heard about men who pay for sex leads me to think he has. But I get that you may not have heard much about this before.)

Also, I think couples counselling would be a waste of time here. Counsellors are so non-judgemental. And he has form for 'verbal aggression' - abuse.

I'm not too keen on my midwife, don't think I want to be talking to her about this kind of thing. I have tried to find out exactly what he has done but I don't think there is anyway of me knowing for sure....

I want to believe so much that it was a one/two off.... He had been saying in the months beforehand that he was feeling a bit neglected etc but from what you're all saying maybe he is just a scumbag who will quite happily do this again in a few months/years.

I don't think that because he has visited an escort it means he doesn't care about me

What it means is that he has zero respect for women regardless of whether it's his wife or those he pays for sexual services.

He's not going to stop visiting prostitutes escorts, OP, but henceforth he'll take immense care to ensure you won't find out and you'll be left forever wondering what he's up to when he's out of sight.

Letting him get away with the excuse of "feeling neglected" would be a massive mistake

And the next time you are busy with the kids ? What then ?

Why isn't he too busy to be looking to get his dick wet elsewhere ?

I think you have been overlooking a lot of lazy, self entitled and mysogynist behaviour and these latest revelations are simply a further embodiment of it

It isn't you that isn't giving enough to your relationship, it is him

I am more then aware of that. Without bigging myself up too much, I am a great wife. I am very loyal and have done nothing that could possibly ever make him feel the way he has made me feel... Im not a pushover whatsoever. I guess (when I posted this thread) I was just wondering whether there would ever be a situation where this could get better...

Are you OK op? I can't imagine how you're feeling at 7 months pregnant. Well done for handling this so well! I think the harsh posts are just frustration for you, we are all behind you! I think you know what to do. Do you have close family to help?

oh lord, I feel for you op, know you aren't the only one going through this 😢 not me but someone close.

like you, although she was betrayed in a way that wasn't an OW, she is angry and not justifying the position BUT I can see her returning to her deceitful partner. In her eyes it is worse for him to love someone else than to use someone else. I have no words and think she should leave him. I think she will end up forgiving him. and that breaks my heart. she's better than that, and so are you.

Thanks ladies. I am okay, I'm just worried for the future. I wish more then anything he could go back in time and erase what he has done. I just want a simple, settled, happy life for me and my boys... Sitting with my husband now I can never imagine him doing anything to hurt me, but the reality is he has and I guess I have to do something about it now....

I was a wonderful mother and loyal wife. You see they take advantage of this. he knows how loyal you are and maybe a bit naïve? I certainly was. Other people say naivety is ignorance.
Don't be proud of being a doormat. Look at me holding the family together despite everything! That's what I did and I deeply regret it.
He could have been doing this for years. Since before you met. I spent those two years after I found out having flashbacks to times when my gut said somethings not right.
Working late and working away etc. Not being emotionally present. Avoidance. All because of their dirty little secret.
Look after yourself. He must change not you.

Sorry Op, but your posts suggest that you HAVE been a pushover, putting up with all that and even now, when he's been buying sex, just sitting there next to him instead of booting him out!

Neglected?! He has a nerve!

I think I make a lot of excuses for him yes you do.

.... and I know it would kill him if we separated... but he's walked out on you numerous times before, so I doubt he'd be THAT bothered!

I know it's easy for me to sit behind my screen and say leave, I'm not pregnant and having to deal with 3 young children. It will be challenging being a single mom, you didn't sign up for this BS. Be kind to yourself, take your time, but please do LTB when you are feeling stronger!

I think you should start planning your exit strategy, childcare is going to be your biggest stumbling block, so try work that out. Will your mom help you with the children?

Good grief, you should have slung him out 10x before even knowing about him fucking prostitutes! (foot fetish, my arse)

If you're not ready to chuck him out yet, I'll tell you what I did with my "just looking I was a no show after the booking" arse of a lying XH...

My baby was 4 months old, I didn't have proof but something happened that made me 51% believe he'd done it not 49%.

I resolved to stay in the spare room. I didn't ever touch his nasty prostitute fucking body again. I carried on with my plans to return to work after maternity leave to keep my financial independence. I saved (made sure we saved) knowing I'd need a house deposit one day. I led my own life, and enjoyed my baby without worrying about him. It was a good solution to the practicalities, although I let it go on for far too long (4 years! In total 5 years without sex!!!) worse though: 5 years without love, happiness, support, fun...

Anyway, you don't have to sling him out at 7 months pregnant. But you can separate from him physically and financially and get yourself ready for when you do leave.

It sounds like you won't leave. Believe me, he will do this again, and again. So please - for the next time he slips up - at least use the intervening years to make sure you can go, when you do decide to. Please?