Why would my dp rather have a w **k than have me?

[glitterdolphin]

I see there are lots of posts on here about porn. I just want to point out that I am not a prude. I used to watch porn with my ex sometimes, mainly his idea so I had the attitude 'if you can't beat them join them' and we researched and found stuff that would appeal more to women, which I watched occasionally with him and enjoyed. My current dp is different. He hides his stuff and I keep finding more and more of it stashed all over our house. I don't really like that because we have children, but what is worse is that he never initiates sex with me. I feel like he is waiting for me to go out of the house so he can have a w*k. I have actually caught him at it a couple of times. I came back from work unexpectdedly and he was in bed with a 'headache' no clothes on, tv programme on and dvd player running at same time. I honestly wouldn't care if I felt like he wanted to f*k me (God these asterisks are annoying) but he doesn't even look at me when I undress. I am a size 12 and used to feel quite attractive before my self esteem was knocked so much. He has gone away and I have found another box with a vibrator in and more dvds and mags. He also looks at porn on our pc. The thing is I have tried to talk to him about it and he makes it out to be my problem, all his past girlfriends were fine about it etc etc. I am an open minded person and want to understand. I have tried to spice things up myself,thinking it was something I was doing wrong, begging him to tell me what he likes etc. It seems to me that sex has to be like a dirty little secret for him to enjoy it.

He has a vibrator?

Don't have any advice,but I would be concerned aswell.Sounds like he's addicted.

It does sound a bit strange. How long have you been with him? Was he always like this about sex?

If you initiate sex, how does he respond? It may just be a question of confidence?

Still, I'm pretty pro-porn, and I do think that people have a right to sexual privacy (as in, it is his willy, if he wants a wank, that's his choice) but this does seem like it's hurting your relationship, and I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I agree with NCQ that the wanking is really his choice and he deserves a bit of privacy for that

But the issue of him never initiating sex is unfair and I think is something you need to address

Counselling is great for exploring these kind of issues in a neutral and non-judgmental environment - have you thought about that?

Yeah as I said the wanking doesn't bother me I know men do it, it's more that he doesn't seem to want to have sex with me and that's why it annoys me so much. I have talked about getting help but he wouldn't go. Thinks sex therapists are just nosey people! Also he is completely obsessed with anal sex all the dvds are on this topic. I didn't think men used vibrators either it is called a lady finger and on the box it says for all parts of the body! Sorry. I don't really get it. I had thought he was gay because he honestly doesn't ever look at me when I am undressed but all the porn has women in it. Why would he lack confidence when I have tried and tried to talk and ask him what he likes etc. Is it me? There is something else that is eating away at me and that is that his best friend told me that when he split up with his ex he was devestated mainly because the sex was so good! I keep thinking that I obviously can't match up to her. I would like to be more experimental, asked if he would he like me to dress up in some nice underwear but he seemed completely disinterested, said "You can do what you like." Very hurtful. Feel like he is completely shutting me out of his secret little porn world. Feel ugly and fat and have just devoured a pasty. Was trying to slim down to see if he liked me better really thin like his ex.

I feel so sad for you. Sex is one way that a man or woman can show their partner how much they love them. And IMO if sex in a relationship isn't right then nothing is right.

What would he say if you got rid of his dvd's & toys & mags? Even if you just placed them in a box on top of a wardrobe or anything, so he thinks they have been thrown away?? I wonder how he would react.

Have you ever suggested watching porn together? Or have you ever voiced an opinion in the negative about him watching porn alone? (have to say I would deffo have something to say if I came home & caught him in bed naked with a dvd running...he was obv trying to cover it up by switching to a tv programme)

I wonder where he puts his vibrator? How often do you have sex as a couple? & are you sure the lady finger wasn't a gift for you that you found by accident? [hopeful]

DO NOT change yourself for this selfish, uncaring man.

i have never come across this before (but im young yet) i would be hurt too so i do understand where you're coming from.

It is not because you are fat or not good in bed etc it's his issue.

Do you have sex at all and what is it like when you do? does he ask you to do things you'd rather not? or does he seem uninterested etc? if you are satisfied in bed for the most part then i would try to be content with that or i would consider leaving but to me sex is an important part of a relationship, i know for most woman thats not the case, only you know how much you can put up with. it sounds as if he is damaging your self esteem and confidence and that is dangerous ground........i'm not saying he is doing it deliberatly, instead of asking him what he wants you could try telling him what you want/ need and tell him how hurt you are and also ask him to keep his porn etc in one place locked away from where your children might catch a glimpse.

is he possibly depressed? My DP has a very low sex drive, and it's been made worse in periods of depression (his looking at porn / wanking are as frequent as sex with me, so i can't say bothers me)

Is he avoiding reality- life too much, stressed, down? Sometimes escapism is easier than reality.

and what kind or arsehole is this best friend? why would he say that?! take it with a pinch of salt- and forget the ex, you'll drive you (and probably him) mad if you go down that road!

Oh god, please don't diet for him!

Ok, first of all, the obsession with anal sex, combined with the finger vib, makes me think he's gotten into being anally stimulated himself. Nothing wrong with that, but it isn't necessarily very interesting or fulfilling to you. (And of course, if he was coming to you, saying "I'd really like X can we do it", then that's one thing. This situation is another.)

How important is this man to you? Do you have kids? Would you leave him over this?

I'd be tempted to give an ultimatim, or just leave, tbh. I think couples counselling (not necessarily sex counselling tbh) is possibly your only hope. Oh, or getting him into regular counselling on his own?

Thanks notquite you've hit the nail on the head. It's that he's not saying 'shall we try x?' that's bothering me so much. When we have sex it's usually good but not that often and he seems to let me do all the work. I have tried talking but he just shuts down, says no one else has had a problem. I feel like he prefers to do it on his own but when I ask him if that is the case, he point blank denies it. There is always an excuse I'm tired, I'm ill etc etc. Doesn't seem to be too tired for his toys and dvds though. Thanks this is really helping me.

Thanks for all your suggestions. I am going to try to talk to him again. Perhaps he doesn't realise how much it gets to me? [hmn] Cheers all!

Does he have performance problems?

Men! So many (not all) of them are the same in many respects.

He may have become obsessed with the desire to try anal sex but is scared to broach the subject with you. Many couples do this as part of a healthy sex life; in fact whatever they do (as long as nobody is being hurt) is their business between their own four walls.

Is the vibrator still packaged? I have a nagging feeling he might have bought it with the idea that he could use it on you.. perhaps annally. (Sorry if the very idea offends.. just trying to get inside his head.. I have had years of experience at trying to suss out the thought processes of baffling men! )

It is possible the whole anal sex idea has become an obsession because he badly wants to try it (on you.. not MEN!) but assumes this won't ever happen. Hence the heavy use of porn as well. Do you think this scenario could be a possiblity?

No he performs fine. Can't be that shiny because we do have anal sex. I have to be really turned on though or I don't like it.
The vibrator is still packaged but opened. I can't think that he bought it for me cos there's this other bendy thing as well that is obviously designed to go up someone's arse and he's had that for ages. Hope I haven't put anyone off their tea. Can it really be embarassment when I have given him every opportunity to tell me what he likes? I mean I've talked to him loads of times about it, told him that I'm open minded etc. I still have this overriding feeling that he wants to keep that all secret from me. The real problem I have is that he never initiates sex and I think if I just left it he would be quite content to just use his toys etc and ignore me, which is what has happened in the past when I just got so fed up that I didn't bother anymore. It's like the foreplay, I seem to do it all! I don't feel he wants me and it's really hurtful. Think I'll have to talk again and not let him wiggle out of it this time.

what would happen if you were on the bed using toys on your own and he walked in? would he initiate sex then?

Dunno? Shall I try it? Was thinking about dressing up in stockings and suspenders, would shock the hell out of him probably and to be honest I'd feel a bit silly! Probably does call for some drastic action though. Think I will go to Ann Summers and get my own little stash and keep it in MY drawer under the bed. Where can I get some nude pics of Johnny Dep? Come to think of it he hates it if I watch films with Johnny in them because he knows I fancy the pants off him. Talk about double standards! Yes Lovemygirls I must be more proactive!!!

How is your relationship otherwise? Is he always this selfish? Or is he just odd about sex?

It does sound like he's into receiving anal stimulation himself. But maybe too ashamed to mention it to you? (Yes, it really can be embarassment, imo. I've certainly been with blokes, worked out what they were really into, and they were still unable to discuss it at all.)

It seems really unfair that you are going to all this work trying to find out what he wants, while he's being a selfish little sh*t. Why not work out what you want?

It doesn't seem unreasonable for him to have a wank now and then, but the little caches of porn all over the place are impractical and unpleasant for you (I'm mellow about porn, too, but finding it by surprise somewhere is never fun). I would try to sort out sex between you, and make clear how much you'd like him to initiate things, rather than focussing on the wanking.

glitter go out and buy a rabbit and tell him he can have his toys and you can have yours.

Do you really think he has been doing himself anally (yuk now picturing how he would manage that). Does he have a problem reaching orgasm?? If a man is stimulated annally it will cause a stronger orgasm then if he wanks.(sorry to be graphic)

Sounds to me like he is majorly screwed up in this area and needs professional shrink-type help. Maybe he has suffered abuse as a child or something. The "dirty little secret" bit doesn't sound healthy. Try your best to see he gets some help. It sounds like you have done everything you can, or should, do to help him.

And, at the same time, you are are going to have to rely for a time on finding ways to build your own self-esteem, as his behaviour is, naturally, having such a negative effect. Good luck.

I am so grateful for everyones support on here. I have been torturing myself about this for ages. I am feeling much better just talking it through. I have never tried a rabbit. Are they really that good? I used a willy type vibrator once but I think that was more to please my ex husband not me. You are right Notquite, I think it is about time I concentrated more on what I want. He can be selfish about other stuff as well (always kids and money.) We disagree about the fact that he never puts children first, even his own child. He doesn't seem to think that children have rights. This is just a silly example but we don't have much cash atm and he will go out and buy us little treats (nice puddings etc) when the kids have to eat value fromage frais. Is it me? It's just that I would rather share the nice things with the children than treat them like second class citizens. He never thinks about taking the children out so I end up taking them swimming or to the cinema. Not every weekend, but just occasionally I think they need to have the odd treat. He is also always going on about holidays because his last partner didn't have kids so they went away quite a lot and he says that the first chance we get to go away will be kid free but I couldn't do that because my children have never had a proper holiday and I would feel so selfish. He is loving in other ways, it's just the wierd sex thing. I have suggested that he gets help before but he doesn't think he has a problem. He just says none of his other girlfriends had a problem, which makes me feel like a complete prude though I know I'm not. I don't think he has a problem reaching orgasm wurly. Do you mean he could have an orgasm just by doing the anal stuff? I will need to make it clear what I want I think, rather than letting it get me down so much. I can't let it go on any longer. I have to get it sorted out. I think I am teaching him other things,

Hmm, he has an attitude against sex therapists, I suspect he may not be on for regular therapy, either. You've got a point about the possible abuse, but getting him into therapy doesn't sound like an easy task.

Lots of straight men are into anal stimulation - as you say, wurlywurly, it has quite a strong effect on men.

He sounds a bit like an ex of mine, who was really rather odd, and told me I was too fat to want to have sex with me.

One thing that struck me about your partner - don't pay too much attention to the claims it was 'fine' with all his exes. What makes you so sure he's telling the truth?

It certainly sounds like he knows what he wants, and isn't that bothered about what other people want, in areas other than sex, too.

If you are short of money, him spending money on porn isn't very considerate, either.

He is either lucky, or lying, re: his other girlfriends not having a problem with porn. Lots of women object to their partners having porn in the house, and some object to their partner wanking, at all. Nobody is going to be happy thinking they are second-best, after wanking.

I'm guessing you've already suggested watching porn together, and it's not been a popular idea?

Yes I tried it with him once Not quite but he wasn't really watching it. Seemed embarrassed. He just says - "You can do what you like." I wonder if he does think I'm fat because he's always going on about fat women. I tell him off of course. I wonder if he actually hates my body on some level.