End friendship dilemma-Very long!

[Beauregard]

Now where do i start ? god im crap at this typing malarky,im not very good at explaining myself so bear with me please.
I have a 'friend'whom i have known for 16 years and i always imagined that we would be friends for life .Now she has always been a bit rude and thoughtless at times and i have never challenged her on this,just put up with it for the sake of the friendship.But i have finally began to think that she really doesn't care a jot for me as this last year she has not bothered with me even though she and i have both had babies in this time.I imagined that her starting a family would draw us closer but it has been quite the oposite.I appreciate that she is busy now she has a child but i have 2 and i work .She is also aware that 2006 was, with the exception of the birth of dd2 , a bad year for me healthwise. For a long ,long time any phonecalls ,texts,emails etc had been instigated by me and she would just reply.So i finally got fed up of always being the caller and never the called iykwim? so i stopped and since then she has not bothered other than birthday cards and replying to a few texts i have sent out of desperation.I have seen her once in a year and even then there was an atmosphere.
I value my friends very much and think that it is very sad to give up on such a long standing friendship for no apparent reason.I am deeply hurt by her behaviour and to be honest, agonising over why she has done this is making my health worse.I haven't confronted her over this because i dont feel strong enough and i would write a letter but i dont want to spill my heart out for her to just feel she has the upper hand and ignore me again.Which would make me feel more worthless and alone than usual.To my knowledge i have not done or said anything wrong so im completely at a loss as to what ive done to derserve this .
It is her birthday next month and i need to decide whether i should just admit defeat and cut all ties as im tired of this and not send a card or force myself to send one.I want to feel that i have done the right thing for 'me'as im emotionally quite fragile.I dont want to regret my desision in a years time.
Could someone please give me an unbiased opinion please.
Thankyou for bothering to read,sorry it is so long.

I will pop in tommorrow to see if anyone replies,as im off to bed now while i get the chance.Fingers crossed that dd2 has a better night tonight.

Just a quick post as I'm off to bed.

I'd suggest leaving it, for now at least. You've tried being the one that does all the running and that hasn't worked. Next comes trying the "wait and see if she gets in touch" approach. If she does, great, you can go on from there. If she doesn't, then you either accept that the friendship will be one as long as you always do all the running and you get in touch with her or you let it go. I know what you mean about not giving up on old friendships. I often do all the running and people guiltily say that I'm so good and that they are ashamed that they are so poor at keeping in touch. I don't mind but I'm only going to put in the effort I want to and once I stop wanting to do it, I stop. I've had to give up on one or two but that's life. Hth.

Message withdrawn

I think you should send a card.

Just say happy birthday, with love PVFN.

Then leave theball in her court. If you hear from her then you know that she values your friendship, if youodnt then you know you have done nothing wrong and that maybe your lives have just grown apart.

Either way you have behaved with dignity and you shouldn't feel bad about anything, just move forward with your life.

pelvic - I sympathise 100%. Have been in a very similar position, where I am left wondering why having children so close together hasn't helped to bring the friendship together.

I don't really have any answers; to be honest, I put it down in the end to my friends being rubbish and just not worth the bother.

On the other hand, I think we as MNers have an outlet to express our true feelings that many others don't, and perhaps we expect too much of people who are going through their own private hells but don't know how to talk about it?

If you genuinely don't want to regret your decision in a year's time, I would simply send the card with no particular message, and thus know that you made what will probably be the last move.

The other thing I would say is that divided between people who understand long term health problems and those who don't is at least as deep as between parents and non-parents. In this sense your friend has a lot of mountains to climb. I would try and give her the benefit of the doubt - ironically I didn't do this with my friends in a similar situation, but I never tried to hide how difficult life was. They just tried to avoid seeing it.

I guess that some friendships deserve to die a dignified death. If she has been distant for such a long time even when you have tried to contact her, it may be the case that she only needs more space for a while.

I can speak from the other side of the fence, I had post natal depresion, DS was born with a problem that made him choke with his own larinx, he had severe eczema (the bleeding all over the body kind) and on top of all that stress I was trying to finish my degree, so zero sleep as well and not much time for socialising.

She couldn't understand that at that point I was barely keeping a float, so when she confronted me with all the things she thought I was doing to her (when in fact I had not even the time to realise what on Earth she was feeling), and then found my answers unsatisfactory I just binned the relationship. I think that if she had waited rather than accusing me our friendship would have stabilised in due time. Now, is gone forever

Sometimes people do just move on from freindships, without malice intended. Send her a birthday card without going to too much trouble and leave it at that: having a big 'you're not my friend any more' discussion never actually acheives anything. Maybe in time the two of you might get back in touch again, maybe you won't. But you can't make someone be your friend if they are pulling away. Sorry to be a bit blunt, but you do sound a little bit needy and maybe she isn't comfortable with that.

Madamez, you put in better words what I was trying to say. "you are not my friend anymore" discussions are useless.

Totally agree. Have been trying to explain to my counsellor how sort of phoning people up to say "I notice you haven't spoken to me in years, well I'm not speaking you now then, hey" is quite embarrassing. (She still doesn't get it).

Best just to let it go.

Last Christmas I made a decision after an awful holiday with 3 friends to walk away from all of them after a particularly tense and bitchy time. After my initial tears i felt relieved.

All 3 also came running back and wanting to be friends. My "best friend" I still keep at a bit of a distance, even though she has made a huge amount of effort. The others I am polite to if I see them.

But I wont EVER let them hurt me again, nor will i let them see that I was hurt. I just refuse to let them get under my skin that way again.

It would be dignified to send a card as the other posters have said, but a crap card and keep it short.

Then let go.

Have a look at what is really important in your life and look at the friends that ARE there for you when you have been poorly. Invest your energy in your kids and other half....and yourself. Do something good for yourself, something to big up your self esteem. You will soon see that with friends like that....

And as for being needy? We are all a bit needy sometimes and our friends are usually who we turn to.

Nothing wrong with that...just work on your self esteem a bit...

Thankyou all for the replies.
It is nice to know that im not the only one who is in or has been in this situation.
I was a bit shocked at being decribed as 'needy'because i certainly dont conduct myself in that way,but hey ho
As for her maybe having postnatal depression i assure she has not,and this all started way back,i dont mean to sound unsympathetic but i 'know'her well.
I think that i will take all your advice and send a card as at least i will know that i did the right thing and yes MorespamthanGlam a really crap card ,lol
So all that this leaves me to do is to find some new friends
Now that sounds needy ,so come on please any takers?
xxxx

hi pfnm - i have been in a similar situation and it is horrible darling, i really feel for you. in the end i let it go but even now (2 years later) wonder why the friend in question behaved the way she did and if she ever thinks of me at all.
i agree with the others - send a card as a "last resort" and then mentally try and draw a line underneath it and move on. it is her loss. easier said than done i know, but for me anyway, it was better than torturing myself with the "will she/won't she" call/text etc business.

best of luck

ps i wil be your friend!!

There's a very similar thread to this one tonight so you're not alone in it at all.

I have just read that thread ,at first i thought it was my 'friend'typing about me

Ooohhh Evilsparklystepmom!
thanks
We have one thing in common ,i say mom too never mum.

stepmum just looks weird. stepmom looks cool (sort of!)

Do you wanna be in my gang too jajas?

Agree with what fatty says. She's not a 'friend' if you dont hear from her from one year to the next. You are getting absolutely nothing out of it. With no contact there is no relationship, really, is there?

It is sad when friendships fizzle out, and it's easy to wonder what it is we may have done wrong, but, i strongly suspect that it has little to do with you or anything you may or may not have done. More that your lives have changed and your priorities have changed. She has moved off in a different direction to you.

Better to cut your losses - send the card, but dont waste the energy on her anymore. Use it up on building new, meaningful friendships instead

Thanks VVV

PFNM - come to the mn worcs meetup if you can!

ON the 26th Jan - honor and I are both going so you can get a lift with us.A fun night out,and a chance to make some new friendships, perhaps.

Sorry you are feeling like this, I've been through similar w/friends of mine. LIke you, I give a lot in my relationships and expect a lot back - I can be very disappointed at times. In your situ, I would send a (crap morespam) card then wait to be contacted. If no contact ensues, Que sera etc.

Hope to see you on 26th!

Thanks Sassy
Am i brave enough do you think?