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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If dh friends didn't want to see you?

61 replies

Afeudbetweenfriends · 18/04/2016 20:54

Me and dh had a huge row last year, his best friend and wife never really liked me I think anyways. Before meeting me he was Round there most nights with them going out for meals etc looking after their children etc. when I met them the first time the wife was very critical of me not being able to drive and where I work. This night they were at ours me and dh had a row, he left with them and I didn't see him til the morning. That night he pushed me in front of them. Next day they text saying I wasn't welcome around theirs or near them or their children. Dh still contacts them and meets them regularly. Would you be annoyed?

OP posts:
TippyTappyLappyToppy · 19/04/2016 06:47

I'm reserving judgement until we know more.

Why were you arguing in front of friends and what happened immediately prior to being pushed? Were you being physically aggressive towards him or getting right up in his face in the argument? I'm not trying to foist the blame onto you, just trying to understand why three people should want to side together against you (including your own husband!) and why his friends would react so badly to you by saying you are not welcome around them at all. It seems very odd. I'm wondering if there is more to the story.

If not then you DH is an unsupportive dick and this won't change so you should probably consider leaving.

CitySnicker · 19/04/2016 06:56

Of course it's not ok to push someone...but the total lack of context seems significant.

TheLambShankRedemption · 19/04/2016 07:12

For his friends to say you're not welcome near them or their children is weird. There'd have to be quite serious reasons before I'd say that to somebody. Did they give you any? Once that happens, it is hard for a loving couple to keep friends like that in your life so it seems like it is only a matter of time before 'it's them or you'.

You DP shouldn't be pushing you, has he been physical before? Were you being physical with him during the massive row in front of the friends?

It doesn't sound good for the longevity of your relationship.

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 19/04/2016 07:35

It isn't okay to push someone unless they are being aggressive towards you and deliberately invaded your personal space as a way of trying to intimidate you, in which case a light but assertive shove using no more force than is necessary would be seen as a reasonable and justified action by most people under the circumstances. But it's impossible to say for sure without more context.

Original poster
Afeudbetweenfriends · 19/04/2016 08:06

We had been out the 4 of us for a meal and drinks, we all had had too much to drink me and dh tbh can't really remember what we were arguing about but it ended he got right up in my face and physically pushed me to the floor. My neighbour came in (our friend) and saw what happened. They left and I don't know what was said but dh came back the next day and that's when that was said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Afeudbetweenfriends · 19/04/2016 08:07

He goes out with his friend and I can't stand the fact he's probably calling me worse than anything to my dh just because we were arguing about something that wasn't even related to them!

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 19/04/2016 08:08

How do you leave? Since you are married, you find yourself a solicitor and you institute divorce proceedings. It's during that process that there will be decisions about division of assets, division of childcare, etc.

You are shopping for a solicitor to represent YOU personally; he can get his own if he wishes.

Your relationship sounds toxic and you two definitely need to split for the sake of your children, if nothing else. They are being harmed by being raised in a house where their parents' rows lead to manhandling.

End this nightmare of a marriage.

springydaffs · 19/04/2016 08:42

None the wiser tbh.

What friend came in? Who were you and Dh with?

Can you be more clear about what happened love?

Arfarfanarf · 19/04/2016 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Afeudbetweenfriends · 19/04/2016 09:33

All 4 of us me dh and his friend and wife were there. Our friend next door heard him shouting and came in and saw what he had done. It was a silly argument about nothing then he left with his friend and wife and our neighbour friend stayed with me for a bit. It was just a pointless argument which shouldn't of went as far as it did. I never even shouted at dh to make him push me and his friends never even acknowledged he did it they said 'it was only a push'

OP posts:
SymphonyofShadows · 19/04/2016 09:53

The neighbour clearly thought it was serious enough to stay with you. Your husband will never respect you. It seems like the friends haven't bothered to try and get to know you for a long time, if you met them before you were married and now have children. You are fighting a battle you can never hope to win. Get out before it's not 'just' a push.

FWIW if I saw another woman being pushed, shoved or hit by a man I would be all over it. I certainly wouldn't be taking the man's side, no matter what my relationship was with him.

IlikePercyPig · 19/04/2016 09:58

I'm still confused as to why the friends don't want to see you again if you were the one who was pushed over.

Piemernator · 19/04/2016 10:03

Because they don't like her and never have. It is irrelevant why they don't want to see her or be her friend.

Its the husband that is the issue.

springydaffs · 19/04/2016 10:06

Op can you give a more detailed account of the history (are your children his children? How long have you been married? How long together?)
Can you also be clear about 'he' eg dh left but neighbour stayed - otherwise it gets a bit confusing..

Only asking bcs this situation is hard to work out so the details need to be really clear?

Abecedario · 19/04/2016 10:22

Has he pushed or otherwise physically hurt you on other occassions?

Does he shout at you a lot?

Is your relationship otherwise happy apart from this incident/issue with his friends?

The fact that he pushed you over is absolutely wrong, it's abusive. Bad enough if a one off but more likely a part of a pattern of behaviour. More worrying still that instead of being mortified by his actions and very sorry he pushed the blame back onto you, told you his friends blamed you too. Gaslighting I think, normalising his own behaviour and telling you that you were in the wrong, and that other people think so too, making you feel guilty and ashamed instead of him.

If it's a simple as a row that got out of hand, he behaved badly and then his friends turned against you then a good husband would say to his friends 'it's a shame you feel that way, I was the one in the wrong, I love my wife and if you no longer want to spend time with her then unfortunately that will mean we can't spend as much time together either'. If your h's friend is calling you he should stand up for you. I would not want to spend time with people who made their dislike of my partner so clear.

I wouldn't be surprised if his friends never said anything of the sort, he just made it up to make you feel worse and put you down. But even if they did say it, they're not the issue,my our husbands lack of support and respect for you, plus his aggressive behaviour is.

Lamu · 19/04/2016 10:26

End this nightmare of a marriage.

Absolutely this. You deserve so much more.

firesidechat · 19/04/2016 10:32

Have you seen these friends since the pushing incident and have you heard all this from them or is this what your husband is telling you?

firesidechat · 19/04/2016 10:35

I would leave your husband I'm afraid and I rarely, if ever say that on here. Either your husband and his friends are abusive idiots or just your husband and his friends have been fed a load of lies, but that still leaves you with only one choice.

YellowTulips · 19/04/2016 10:51

Taking what you have said at face value it strikes me that the 3 of them had a very comfortable and cosy set up.

When you came along it disrupted this and they are not behaving as they are because the dislike you - they dislike the changes your OH having a partner has made to their dynamic.

As has been said many time on MN you don't have a problem with his friends, you have a problem with your partner.

They can only cut you out if he lets them - and he seems totally willing to do this - which conveniently gets them back to their pre-you dynamic.

Personally I couldn't live with this situation. I wouldn't want to socialise with "friends" who didn't respect my DH. I wouldn't want to live with my DH if he pushed me around and prioritised his friends over me.

You need to decide if you can live with this. If you can't then you need to tell your partner. If he won't make any changes to his behaviour then my next step would be to see a solicitor.

chocolatemuppet · 19/04/2016 11:53

It just doesn't add up in my mind. Why would 2 people leave (and condone the behaviour of your H) when he's pushed you? It's never ok to push anyone - as I think we all agree. So that was deplorable. You say you can't remember what the argument was about - that might have some relevance here?

ouryve · 19/04/2016 11:55

I'd leave him to his friends. How dare they speak to you like that and him not rip them a new arsehole.

SymphonyofShadows · 19/04/2016 12:15

I think the neighbours actions are the most telling here. They were concerned about the noise so they came to investigate and remained concerned so they stayed with OP after the others had gone. That tells me who they believed to be in the wrong and they were actually there to witness it.

Wuffleflump · 19/04/2016 12:35

My DP moved city and I met him very soon after this. He had moved at the same time as friends (jobs in same industry) and was used to spending a lot of time with them when he was single. They were the only friends locally who were exclusively 'his' friends, because he met me so quickly and we then went out with my friends.

Over time it was clear that him having a gf was a problem for the wife, as it meant he spent a lot of time with me, and she felt that he wasn't being enough of a friend anymore. I did meet with them quite a lot to start with, but we just didn't get on and eventually DP started to see them on his own, with my blessing. I had no particular desire to see them, and I wanted him to be able to have his own friends, especially ones he had known longer than me.

BUT DP was not angry at me: he was sad that two groups of people he loved didn't get on. Nor did I expect him to take sides: it was easy enough to just remove myself from the situation, why would I want to cut him off from his friends?

The friends' opinion of you is irrelevant, nor does it necessarily reflect a problem with either them or him. Some personalities just don't work together, particularly when introduced in a situation which changes the status quo.

It's the way he reacted which is the issue.

Original poster
Afeudbetweenfriends · 19/04/2016 14:43

I saw the conversation they had between them on Facebook stating I'm no longer welcome etc. they were in the other room but came in when they heard dh shouting at me. We weren't arguing about them or anything like that. I even saw them say in the conversation they had no idea what was said etc they were just 'standing by their friend' our neighbour is an older lady who we often help with gardening etc. we have been together 5 years married 2. 1 child together and I have 2. Dh not really an angry person now but used to be when younger.

OP posts:
TippyTappyLappyToppy · 19/04/2016 15:18

It's all sounding a bit Jeremy Kyle. I suggest you stop drinking to the point that you don't even remember why arguments start, and I suggest you should consider ending this relationship.