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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do all guys check out hot girls online? Please help: in danger of being bunny boiler?

72 replies

greensea · 18/04/2016 20:46

I'm in a relationship of over a year - long distance - but manage to see my boyfriend every second weekend. We also spend holidays and any time off together, we are pretty serious and planning moving in together etc. My boyfriend is a lot of fun and seems to utterly adore me. Here's the problem; SEEMS to. He always tells me how amazing I am and how I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. And whilst I'm lovely, I'm aware I'm not.

Anyway, my boyfriend's browsing history shows me he has been looking at pictures of other girls online - beautiful girls, like Rachel Riley in bikini etc. It's never anything seedy (I know he uses porn to masturbate sometimes which strangely doesn't other me). I discovered this early on into our relationship (he had been looking at this on my laptop, whilst he was visiting me! And left his details logged into my computer so it came up as I searched). I confronted him, and apologised for sounding psycho but explained that I just didn't understand why he was looking at them. He said it was just him being a randy boy and more out of habit than anything, and he'd not do it again.

He visited last weekend, and again left himself logged in and a list of his search history came up. I'm almost certain he'd never cheat on me but it does make me feel like his compliments to me are nonsense, of course I look nothing like the leggy blondes he is googling.

Do I just need to get over this? Are all/most men predisposed to actively look at other attractive women. I feel like I don't want to bring this up again, as I already mentioned my insecurities which caused a slight argument and have not changed his actions. To reiterate, it's not him finding other women attractive that bothers me, just the fact he is actively searching for them online.

Am I just nuts? Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
greensea · 19/04/2016 20:19

wibblewobbe8

I'm absolutely not saying he is in the wrong. Which is why I'm on a forum asking for other opinions.
I do not want him to change his behaviour on my account; again this is why I have poured out my insecurities for feedback. If I understand his habits I'd hope to get over them. Thanks for your tuppence.

OP posts:
Original poster
greensea · 19/04/2016 20:20

oldlaundbooth thank you.
My laptop the first time round, and hopefully his the second!

OP posts:
suspiciousofgoldfish · 19/04/2016 20:33

Urgh, these threads always make me exhale loudly and roll my eyes.

I read your OP, OP and thought "right, how long till all the 'chill out people, no big deal, everyone likes porn, I like porn, my wife likes porn, this isn't even porn man! It's some bird in a bikini! Let's all calm down because we all like to look at nice things' crowd start spouting their words of wisdom.

Whatever. He's looking at girls in underwear online. That's just sad. And doesn't really make you feel much better does it.

When I am out with DH and we pass an obviously hot woman, I am aware that DH will think she's attractive but I don't want him to go home and start googling fucking pictures of her Confused

It's so depressing that this has all become so normal! It's pathetic and weird! I fancy Idris Elba but don't sit at home searching for topless of pics of him, I've got other shit to do!

No it's not the end of the world if your BF spends his time looking at girls wearing very little, but does no one think he could be doing something else with his time?

And don't use the term 'bunny boiler' op. This is what men call women who object to them being fucking pricks.

Original poster
greensea · 20/04/2016 21:32

Thank you suspiciousofgoldfish!

I don't like feeling like I'm being unreasonable, but I just can't get over this behaviour. I know this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it points to some underlying interests (of my boyfriend) that do not fill me with confidence.

It is genuinely making me think twice about moving my life over 200 miles to live with him.

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 20/04/2016 21:41

gah!
Hit post instead of preview.
You know the score.
Rather be alone than have the chip chip chip at my esteem.

FriendofBill · 20/04/2016 21:42

Ignore first line.
What the heck is going on tonight?
Technology fails.

Original poster
greensea · 20/04/2016 21:45

Also failed to mention - as not directly related - that a few months ago, I noticed he had an online dating profile - he claims he never used it, or logged in etc, and that it was from before we met.
It didn't look like he had been on it in over a year, but he is so meticulous in every part of his life it just doesn't make sense.
I (almost) fully believe him on this but adds to my uncertainty on future prospects.

OP posts:
Original poster
greensea · 20/04/2016 21:49

Other than all of that, we are ridiculously cute and have the best times together! Confused Sad

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 21/04/2016 05:06

Having rolled my eyes upthread on Monday night, I am in complete agreement with goldfish, and, no matter how "ridiculously cute" you are together when having those "best times", the fact remains that in saying he wouldn't do it again he's lied to you.and I suspect he'll tell more porkies if you ask him about his dating site profile.

Have you met "randy boy"s friends and family and is he one of those gregarious and outgoing chaps that could be said to be the life and soul of the party?

pocketsaviour · 21/04/2016 17:01

This wouldn't particularly bother me - I have a subscription to BuzzFeed's Dude of the Day, and follow a number of Tumblr/Instagram/etc account which post pics of hot people.

(I also subscribe to "Cute Overload", "Emergency Kitten" and "Cute of the Day" as well as several photography sites. I like looking at attractive photos.)

But I'm not in your relationship, you are. If you don't like him doing this, that's perfectly within your rights. You now know that he's going to continue doing it, so if this is a problem for you, then I guess you have a hard decision to make :(

Seeyounearertime · 21/04/2016 17:11

theres lots of thread on here along the lines of,
"who's your celebrity crush?"
How is this guy doing any different?

If he's googling actresses from TV Shows that the OP introduced him to then he's hardly searching hardcore porn.

If you look through my history you'll probably find lots of times i've googled women / actresses / models etc.
Many reasons for it, ranging from "where have i seen her before?" all the way up to, "hubba hubba" iyswim.

With the modern world being what it is it takes seconds to google someone for what ever reason you wish, hell, last night i was googling about the girl in Jurassic World (Lauren Lapkus) and the fact she looks like Honey Lemon from Big Hero 6.
If my GF looked at my history she'd see i'd looked at about 300 pictures of her and Honey.

Seeyounearertime · 21/04/2016 17:12

I would, howvere, be wary about the Dating Profile part....

That is a different kettle of fish, It's not even a kettle, it's a big flashing neon sign with "WARNING" written on it.

gentlydownthestreamm · 21/04/2016 20:56

I am a straight woman and I sometimes Google for pictures of women who I've seen in a series or film, because I think they are really beautiful or interesting looking and want to look at them more. Men too!

Regardless of suspiciousgoldfish's post, I really do feel nonplussed about my DP looking at other women online. Of course I don't want him being obsessive about it or want it to affect our relationship negatively, but I truly don't think it DOES affect our relationship.

OP, you DO mind and it is affecting your relationship, so you need to talk it out with him and point out you can hardly trust he won't do it again since he broke his word once. Does he realistically think he is going to stop? Which is the bigger deal for you, the lying or the looking? Are either/both a deal breaker for you? You need to really decide if you are compatible.

HuskyLover1 · 21/04/2016 21:06

Use a shared laptop/ipad and Google "Big Dicks" and leave the page open on all the images of cocks that are way larger than his. Play him at his own game. Find your gameface Mrs.

inastew · 21/04/2016 22:17

The is a clever tactic suggested by HuskerLover1

goddessofsmallthings · 22/04/2016 01:56

we are pretty serious and planning moving in together etc

What will "moving in together" entail, OP? Will you be looking for a home you can share midway between your current locations, or will one of you be relocating to the other's town/city and possibly giving up their current job and moving far away from their friends and family?

lottielou7 · 22/04/2016 02:50

30 seems way too old for him to be behaving this way. Guys of about 18-20 might have FHM calendars on their wall but really this would annoy me too. He sounds really childish.

Original poster
greensea · 22/04/2016 07:02

goddessofsmallthings we will both be relocating, and giving up current jobs etc so quite a daunting time, regardless of his visual appetite.
He's really not one of those "life and soul" of the party types.
He is of course, charming and outgoing but sweet and sensitive too; he's an outdoorsy type athlete.
He understands how his behaviour upset me and is trying to make it up to me in every way, which is something but I'm annoyed the issue is now mine t deal with.
Which I don't seem to be doing very well.
I feel like it's either - be fine with him doing this or split up, which seems so drastic.

OP posts:
Original poster
greensea · 22/04/2016 07:03

HuskyLover1
Hahaha, maybe you're right.

OP posts:
Original poster
greensea · 22/04/2016 07:04

And to be utterly awful; he is so punching!

OP posts:
wibblewobble8 · 22/04/2016 15:50

He understands how his behaviour upset me and is trying to make it up to me in every way, which is something but I'm annoyed the issue is now mine t deal with.

Can you not see how this is comparable to a man who has issues with how his girlfriend dresses? The man would have the issue (i.e. insecurity) but its unthinkable that anyone would suggest that a woman change how she dresses to not 'upset' her partner.

Lostatseed · 22/04/2016 15:54

He sounds like a pathetic man child

Toomuchinfo1 · 22/04/2016 16:10

I don't think this sounds like anything to worry about. I follow all sorts of people on social media look at photos of fit blokes and gorgeous women.

if he's sneaky about it and does it when you are together then I can kind of see why this would get on your nerves.

I used to get a bit jealous if my (now) ex commented on pretty celebs that were the complete opposite of me, so I do understand the insecurity part. I just think that you should be confident in yourself and not worry too much xxx

I think it's more worrying when a search history is blank/has been deleted!

Noneedforasitter · 22/04/2016 17:08

If the OP had a habit of googling actors in films she watched with her partner, and her partner told her to stop doing it, how many of the other posters on this thread would be telling the OP to grow up, focus on her partner and listen to his needs?

I agree with Wibblewobble, if you switch the perspective around everyone would be claiming it was controlling behaviour.

ILoveWillSmith · 22/04/2016 17:17

I agree with Toomuchinfo1 - I look at pictures of shirtless rugby players all the time, its the same thing. Its harmless IMO.