Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you/should I?

31 replies

lostandsoscared · 16/04/2016 19:02

'D'P left DC and me 8 weeks ago. Circumstances surrounding the whole thing were pretty grim, won't go into detail as I've posted other threads before.

I'm really struggling. I have so much anger. Its worrying me how angry I am. It's occurred to me that a large part of why I am so angry is that he has absolutely no idea of the devastation he has caused. His behaviour since the split has been pretty cruel, insensitive at best.

I'm on the verge of writing him a letter/email explaining the mess he has left behind and why his actions are so dreadful and the effect they have had on me and DC.

On the few occasions I have had to see him, I have ended up getting so upset and anxious, I haven't said any of the things that really need saying. I've also come away being so disappointed that all he's seen is this raging mess when I actually have so many important things to say.

So, is this a good idea, or will I regret it? Has anyone done this before? I'm hoping it will get things off my chest so I can begin to let go of some of this anger. Its not healthy.

OP posts:
jayho · 16/04/2016 19:04

Write it all out, don't send it, it's fuel to his fire. See your gp, see if you can get counselling, contact women's aid see if they can help you. Vent to friends, family and on here.

Flowers
NewStartNewName · 16/04/2016 19:05

Writing it down could be good for you, though I personally wouldn't actually give it to him - he must be aware of what's he's done/doing

DaughterDrowningInJunk · 16/04/2016 19:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Rarity75 · 16/04/2016 19:05

Hi lost writing things down is a good way to express yourself. Even if you never send it to him it may help you to feel better to get it all out.

It's likely that he doesn't give a care at all about the mess he has left behind or he wouldn't have left. But it may help you to order your thoughts.

Best wishes Flowers

Yeahsure · 16/04/2016 19:06

Has he left you for someone else?

I really wouldn't do it. You won't get through to him, you won't get the response you want. You will likely feel worse if you pour your heart out and get no response or an inadequate response. Concentrate on getting yourself into a stronger frame of mind, venting to friends and family who care. Focus on moving forward.

I'm so sorry you feel so desperate.

Original poster
lostandsoscared · 16/04/2016 19:11

I just get the impression from him that he has no idea.
He has made no secret of getting on with his life and when we have to communicate through messaging about DC, his texts are all breezy, almost friendly.

WTAF?! When I lost it on one occasion, he said he was hoping things could be amicable. He is just living on another planet to me.

The absolute cunt left me days after I miscarried. Fuck off with your "no worries" and "okie dokie "

OP posts:
Original poster
lostandsoscared · 16/04/2016 19:15

He said there's no one else but I'm not sure. It really wouldn't make any difference to me now, he's shown himself to be a pretty disgusting person. If there is someone, they're welcome to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostandsoscared · 16/04/2016 19:17

Thank you for the Flowers

Maybe this letter isn't a good idea then. Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies, it really helps to have a few rational voices amidst all the rage! Smile

OP posts:
Yeahsure · 16/04/2016 19:18

The reason I asked if there was someone else was simply to get a shortcut handle on the situation. If he's got someone else he's moved on a long while ago in his mind and he just won't really register your pain (or won't allow himself to). Sorry. How deeply hurtful to you especially after suffering a MC Thanks

LovePGtipsMonkey · 16/04/2016 19:18

IME men (in particular) act cold and unresponsive when they feel guilty. And of course he must feel guilty but he doesn't CARE enough as his priorities aer now elsewhere - i.e. OW or something else that he wants to do like no more commited relationships). Because of this, he's very unlikely to read your letter once he sees how long it is (i.e. a rant) as he knows he's hurt you and he wouldn't want to read abut that or about him being a twat.
But I can see where you are coming from, OP - it's not the same ranting to friends as you aer not angry with them, and also they can't have endless patience. You could write a few choice lines to him - why not? he's likely to quickly read and see the meaning rather than seeing a long e-mail and just deleting it. I think it may help you move on - but not by itself, you need to vent to a therapist mainly. Anger is actually very bad for you if it's ongoing and not a short burst - high blood pressure and other illnesses guaranteed. So I wouldn'y advise to just 'keep being angry'!

What I'd also advice to do ASAP (not need to wait for appointments) is to exercise - it really does let your steam off - some light weight training to music, or yoga, or zumba, or running, whatever is easier - it gets rid of some of the bad emotions and makes you feel good about yourself too.

Hissy · 16/04/2016 19:18

Write it all down, and take it to a therapist. You have no chance of him eve taking responsibility for his actions and the consequences

jayho · 16/04/2016 19:20

Hold on to the anger, you need it to move forwards

Original poster
lostandsoscared · 16/04/2016 19:22

I think therapy is s good idea. I worry that my family and friends are going to get fed up of hearing me rant. I've only just finished a course of therapy. Bloody hell. Thought I'd done so well.

OP posts:
jayho · 16/04/2016 19:24

You didn't expect cuntychops to throw in a grenade, don't be hard on yourself

Original poster
lostandsoscared · 16/04/2016 19:32

Thank you jayho. Its always nice to hear someone else call him that Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
lostandsoscared · 16/04/2016 19:34

Exercise is a great idea too, thank you. Punchbag here I come!

OP posts:
Heartbroken4 · 16/04/2016 20:15

IME, they don't allow themselves to acknowledge the pain they have caused and go out of the way to be either pretend nothing has happened, so you are a nutter to be upset about anything, or to be as horrid and cold as possible.

jillyarmeen16 · 16/04/2016 20:27

I wrote a letter. Bullet points of all the shitty things he's done, was still quite long. Don't know if he read it but was good for me to see it all written down, all the nasty and illegal things he has done, so I could see the pattern in black and white and know I don't want him anywhere near me.
They don't care the pain they cause, if he gave a fuck he wouldn't have done it.
Anger is normal, you would be a very strange person if you wernt angry about what's happened to you. It fades x

Berlin5 · 16/04/2016 20:39

No point in writing any kind of letters or texting or anything. Just leading a happy life full of fun will be the best message.
Try going on a different and more interesting dates.I changed my whole "going out" style after reading Michael Weffelizza 300 dates.

Original poster
lostandsoscared · 16/04/2016 21:24

I've just had this overwhelming feeling lately that I deserve to have the 'right' to reply. After he's just done what he wants, to explain to him the extent of the damage. Although I completely understand everything you have all said, he either knows and doesn't care or he's refusing to acknowledge it because that would then mean guilt.

I'm getting my shit together. I really am. I've come so far in eight short weeks and bulldozed my way through all the fucking chaos he's left behind. I even made an offer on a house for DC and I today. When he gets wind of this my first thought was that he'd think "oh, it's not so bad, they're doing ok" and it would kind of let him off the hook or give him reason to minimise things in his mind.

God, I sound unhinged don't I?

OP posts:
SurroMummy13 · 16/04/2016 21:50

Do it. It may just help to get the words out but if it doesn't and you wish him to see it. Show him.

hurtandconfued2016 · 16/04/2016 22:43

I wrote my ex and the ow a letter (ex left 32 weeks pregnant,2 year old as well) I didn't ever give them it. It felt great though to get out everything I wanted to say!
They seem to not realise it's not just you and him there is a child too! They don't see how it effects anyone other than themselves!!
Sending you Flowers

Yeahsure · 17/04/2016 07:36

Re your last post, you absolutely do not sound unhinged!

You are forging forward, keeping your frazzled head together for the kids, making plans, staying strong, he might well think 'phew, well that wasn't so bad, they're all ok - guilt over'.

It's so understandable in fact I feel your frustration for you - I also want him to know your pain and I don't even know you!

But the problem is he very probably won't acknowledge the true devastating impact of his actions, he will dismiss, ignore, minimise, even get angry, accuse you of drama. What if he rewrites your history? What if, in a fit of guilt, he throws all sorts of terrible accusations back at you or denies he ever loved you? You will feel worse than you do now.

Like others have said diarise these thoughts, every one of them, keep this thread and one day maybe you will show him and he will see what he did...but you will probably be so far moved on by then you won't need to.

Your best possible response to all his actions is to ignore him and concentrate on yourself and your dc, which is exactly what you're doing.

Yeahsure · 17/04/2016 07:40

Also in RL and on Mumsnet step parenting board I'm look at you the ex wife is so often painted as 'bitter' and a 'nightmare', pretty much universally actually. Unfortunately, as unfair as it is, if he's got an OW then a heartfelt letter will be dismissed as a 'guilt trip' or a bargaining position or bitterness or drama. Remember if he's with someone else, he will have said your marriage was over anyway, you both knew it etc...

Original poster
lostandsoscared · 17/04/2016 08:58

You're absolutely right sure.

I've already been told "we've never been right for each other". It's apparently taken him 15 years to realise this. Could have done with this information before I started making a family and buying houses.

Having days where I feel really strong and know we're going to be ok, I'm just finding it hard at the moment to accept this has happened to us and have to fight the urge to make him see inside my head. I've heard all his "thoughts" now, apparently. Just felt like he should hear mine too.

Gah Sad

OP posts: