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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling very low

31 replies

Tooticky600 · 15/04/2016 19:37

First time poster here - things have come to a bit of a head in my life and relationship and I'm feeling like hiding away from everybody. My eldest is away at uni and my youngest seems to have decided he wants to live at his dad's all the time. My family aren't around, I don't have any close friends anymore, and my partner and I had an argument this morning. I feel he is very insensitive and unemotional. Basically the argument was about sex, he doesn't think he's getting enough and I'm not happy about the lack of foreplay and emotional connection. I kind of feel like I get more pleasure on my own if you know what I mean, as my erogenous zones don't get much attention if any. I've tried to talk to him about it before but he says he's not responsible for my orgasm. Sometimes he can be very caring in ways, but right now I'm feeling very alone. I also miss my kids terribly, and wonder if he is one of the reasons why they stay away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tooticky600 · 15/04/2016 20:15

Bump?

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 15/04/2016 20:27

Surely sex is about pleasing each other, not just selfishly getting his own satisfaction - his attitude sounds pretty crap really. What else does he do that makes you think the kids avoid him?

AntiqueSinger · 15/04/2016 20:27

Don't trust your urge to 'hide away from everybody'. Sometimes our emotions are not our friends and can lead us astray. Hiding away from the world is the opposite of what you need.

You are going through a change of life phase where your children have grown up, and now a major purpose and drive in your life has gone. It's natural to feel low.

Someone said something to me recently about Grief (I have recently lost my grandad). She said grief has stages and every major life change results in a process of grieving. Moving house, end of relationship, loss of job etc, just to different degrees. I think this is what you are experiencing along with loneliness. And your partner is proving to be unemotional also, so it probably feels like you're all alone.

You say you have no family around. Do they live far away? Do have any even distant cousins you can latch onto?

something2say · 15/04/2016 20:29

I think your partner sounds like a bit of a nob and not very good in bed, and no wonder you don't feel very connected to him.

That aside, time to start getting out and about a bit more perhaps X

Hassled · 15/04/2016 20:31

I think being alone is far better than being with someone who doesn't give a shit about you. He sounds incredibly selfish. If you're wondering if the kids stay away because of him - that must be based on something that happened/was said. And if you're suspecting that, whether you're right or wrong, it doesn't sound like things are good.
Maybe you should focus on ways you can meet new people (hobbies? what have you always wanted to try?) and move on.

Bree85 · 15/04/2016 20:38

Yeah I agree. If your family is not around, why not go to your friends? Or try going to your family. Give them a visit, you don't know what will happen if you ask for their support.

roarfeckingroar · 15/04/2016 20:44

What a dick. Of course he, as your sexual partner, has a responsibility towards you enjoying sex.

Original poster
Tooticky600 · 15/04/2016 21:13

Thanks all for your replies. Antiquesinger i think you're right on the button about the grieving. I feel like that part of my life is over and i'm not needed any more, i'd give anything to go back in time 15 years! My partner is rather outspoken and loud whereas we are a fairly quiet introverted family, he has offended both my kids and several of my friends, and i think they just don't feel comfortable around him... On the plus side he has a great sense of humour and can be very caring when he wants to be. I guess i'm worried about being on my own.

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WendyWolf · 15/04/2016 21:21

I would be wary about the sex issues. My (soon to be X) DH was (now I look back on it) quite odd about sex. Disliked most things, would never attempt at foreplay or giving me any satisfaction, our sex life was brilliant, until the day I realised that I was (literally) doing all the work. So no real connection. And now I think how could I have spent 10 years with someone who basically didn't have the desire to make me feel good?! Odd. Surely the best sex is about pleasing each other, sharing the pleasure etc. Although sex isn't the most important thing to me I realised this lack of care towards me was fundamentally wrong. Divorce isn't easy but ultimately I know I deserve better and someone who appreciates how much I can and do give.

WendyWolf · 15/04/2016 21:28

By the way, check this out, www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

It talks about stages of grief - which can apply to children leaving home, divorce, all kinds of things, it says that a period of being sad/reflection is actually part of the process and not to be ignored - you may feel similarly. Often it helps just to know that feelings are natural and will pass. Wine Flowers I hope things improve for you.

goddessofsmallthings · 15/04/2016 21:32

I also miss my kids terribly, and wonder if he is one of the reasons why they stay away

I was going to say that you were adept in tacking that onto the end of your OP and, having read your update, it's appears to be obvious that he is the reason why your dc have voted with their feet.

From their point of view it most probably, and unsurprisingly, seems that you've put him above them and if you remain with him you'll have to resign yourself to being alone in a relationship with a man who can't even be arsed to fulfill your sexual needs and your dc will become increasingly distant.

What is it about being on your own that worries you?

Original poster
Tooticky600 · 15/04/2016 23:03

I think i know what i have to do, it's finally hit me that it's really not working out well. I worry about being on my own as i'm not very confident and feel like my friends are too busy with their own families as their children are younger.

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WendyWolf · 15/04/2016 23:26

I was more lonely in my marriage than I have been on my own. Get dates in the diary with friends, book a holiday (always helps to have something to look forward to - even a day trip! ) Think about things you have always wanted to do - now's your chance! One day at a time when things are fragile. It will all get better, it always does.

Original poster
Tooticky600 · 15/04/2016 23:28

Thanks WendyWolf, for the link. I've had a read, i think i might still be in the shock stage of trying to deny and not let it overwhelm me. All the best to you in your situation too, it's not an easy decision to make.

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Original poster
Tooticky600 · 15/04/2016 23:31

A holiday would be great! That's another area where we don't seem compatible - he doesn't seem interested in visiting any of the places i'd like to go to!

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WendyWolf · 15/04/2016 23:33

Thanks Too It's not easy, but I know it is the right choice for my kids and they come before any man. I have to lead by example and I just couldn't bear for them to grow up thinking what I was in was a good relationship. My Ex was dishonest, selfish and manipulative. Good days and bad days but ultimately I'm on the up.

WendyWolf · 15/04/2016 23:34

You really deserve better. I hope you realise that. Dig deep.

Original poster
Tooticky600 · 15/04/2016 23:43

Thanks Wolf! And so do you - my ex h - the boys dad - was also dishonest, manipulative and narcissistic, and that may also be a contributing factor as to why the boys stay away - he said he would turn them against me. I think i'll stay away from relationships with men from now on - it seems I don't make very good choices!

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WendyWolf · 15/04/2016 23:52

I joined a gym recently - with a crèche. It's turned my life around! I feel physically and emotionally better. It's full of single people so I don't feel I stand out and it fills my time. Maybe something like that?

Feeling very low
Original poster
Tooticky600 · 15/04/2016 23:56

I'd like to try yoga. I think my eldest has seen through his father's crap now but not my youngest.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 16/04/2016 00:07

Do The Freedom Programme - if you haven't already.

Your partner sounds vile. Your orgasm is not his responsibility? What are you then, a receptacle for his orgasm?

My heart goes out to you re losing your kids. It's a tough time - but bit by bit fill your time. Plan something good, however small, every day. You can't help grieving so go easy on yourself - and fill your life with lovely, nurturing things and people Flowers

Original poster
Tooticky600 · 16/04/2016 05:49

Springydaffs thank you - i do feel like i might as well be a blow up doll sometimes! I think a previous girlfriend may have said something to him along these lines before - going from a comment he's made before about how he doesn't like being told what to do! Pretty childish i think, and not a great lover even though he seems to think he is! 😂. I just don't really enjoy being around him anymore. And on top of all that he is so messy and rarely cleans up after himself. I don't know how his last gf managed to put up with him for so long!

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expotition · 16/04/2016 08:13

OMG he is not responsible for your orgasm but you are responsible for him getting enough sex? What an idiot.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/04/2016 08:21

You know what to do so get on and do it.
He sounds like a complete wanker to be honest.
I will 2nd the Freedom Programme.
Try to attend in person but it you can't then you can do it on-line.
Get rid and get happy!

WendyWolf · 16/04/2016 10:23

Can someone tell me what the Freedom Program is please - who it is for and why it is good? TIA