Can an EA man change?

[TabbyT]

Does anyone have any examples of an emotionally abusive man who has actually made fundamental changes?

I have told DH that we need to divorce (married 17 years, together 20, 3 DC). He realises I am serious and he is now being super nice. He has even asked if he can read the Lundy Bancroft book and admits he is like Jekyll and Hyde. Whilst this is good I can't help but feel that it will be impossible for him to fundamentally change. I am so worn down by him I don't want to live like this any more.

Any stories of someone who has actually become a great partner after being abusive for years?

Thanks for posting cozie.

I think the truth is I know in my heart that it is over. The amount of work involved even if he wanted to change is enormous and I'm not convinced that the dynamics could ever change between us as they are so ingrained. But I am very scared, not just for myself but for my DC.

If its over its over.

Your DC will be fine if you get away from this individual. I would agree that your abusive childhood at the hands of your father led you to this man you are with now. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what you were taught. An abusive parent is really the worst possible parent for a child.

They won't blame you for leaving him, infact they perhaps wonder of you why you and he are still together at all seeing as the love has long since died a death. I think they will be relieved when you and they are fully away from him.

Being scared is normal but remaining at all within this is a lot bloody more scary for you and these young people. It will be akin to death by 1000 cuts.

Make a better life for yourself without him in it day to day ruling the roost. You can have your fill of takeaways and ready meals as well!. Seriously, you will not be controlled any more and you are more formidable than you think you are. Seek legal advice and make a proper start on your exit plan; knowledge as well is power.

No - they don't change they just change their methods. So be wary.

I hope you have as much take away pizza as your heart desires.

I tried to reconcile my marriage after having been separated 2.5 years. I left because it was abusive. I went back because he exhausted every resource I had in the process of separation, emotionally, physically, financially - I absolutely had to fight my way out. Then when I was on the floor, I got Mr Nice back and I thought ah, okay, maybe if we try x, y and z, it will be different.

After six months of moving towards reconciling, I had a complete breakdown; at which point, he was offering me the moon, the stars and the sun to go back to him. All the money he had never before spent. All the support he had never before given. If I gave up my job, my house, what was left of my life, it would all be there.

I left again and got a good therapist. Take care of yourself. Start by learning to breathe. Choosing what to put in your own mouth when is a basic human right. And once you leave, never ever go back.

Thank you Attila and Doreen. I don't even especially like pizza but the DC were so pleased - and it's such a silly thing to mind about, like so many of his "rules".

I feel emotionally drained and totally exhausted but I also feel as if the scales have fallen from my eyes.

Thanks for your support and advice, I hugely appreciate it. It makes such a difference.

Wow, thanks for that Cocoa, what an awful experience for you. It's so hard to be strong and brave though, isn't it? And when they do the Mr Nice guy act it is so tempting to give them a second chance.

I think I know in my heart of hearts that he can never change into the kind generous sort of man I now think I deserve. He's fundamentally quite a mean and nasty person and I want out. But I am scared of how he will be when he realises I am serious.

Don't let him know, try to sort out what you can without him knowing. It may sound devious but you and your DC are your priority. If there hasn't been negative repercussions to the takeaway pizza, keep doing little things like that. It's like baby steps isn't it?
You're not doing anything wrong ordering takeaway, you're doing it because your an adult capable of making choices, however small.
Bigger steps may then be a little easier to take.

'You're' fgs

They can but they choose not to. They don't think they're at fault.

I think I knew too that it would not work, my head was messed with and I just wanted to believe he could change. And I always felt guilty for leaving, it was me who 'broke up the family', and he never really let me go, and of course, I thought it would be better for DC (paradoxically it was not, they are more themselves now and all the rules were too much). I still don't feel free, really, but I think I have one life on this earth and I don't want to give it to him.

Look at it this way, he has had 17 years to be the husband you want and deserve. Even if my xH had changed I would have found it hard to forgive the way he refused to actually ever see me other than as an extension of him.

Take one step at a time, and make sure you feel secure at every stage in what you are doing. There will always be worries but if you can see a world which you can inhabit as yourself, not how someone wants you to be, I think those worries can be held in perspective. I wish you all the best

Thanks for your replies. I went to bed early last night so sorry for not replying to the last ones, I am shattered and my stomach is in knots.
Cocoa you are so right about him having had years to be nice. It's too late now, I don't think I can ever really trust him now.

Thanks for the flowers and your kind words.

My sons dad has had it explained very bloody clearly what I think about him, and how revoltingly evil and abusive he was in the 5 years since he left and slithered back under the rock he came from.

I saw him last yeAr for the first time. In the lead up he was all nicey nicey.

But nothing about him has changed.

He has no power over me or our son (he's never once bothered to make an effort to do why ds wanted, pit off meeting him TWICE when he'd driven through our town)

He still tried to manipulate me and even made some thinly veiled attempt at a come on.

He will never get just how broken and unacceptable he is. I also saw my mother in him some how, and a tinge of my dad. Both of which have had more than a good go at destroying my self esteem all my life.

It was very sad to have to give up on someone so finally. But it is the only option.

Just do it. Rip the plaster off and eventually it'll feel ok.

This is the time when you have to do what you have to do, rather than what you want to do. Your dc will be better than fine, just make sure you use the age appropriate truth and make sure they know that his treatment of you (and it would be eventually them somehow) affects and destroys you and that you literally have no choice.

I would also say to them that the only chance he ever has of changing his behaviour is by you taking this action. Nothing short of this.

Thanks Hissy. It's so helpful to hear other people's stories, though sorry that you have had such a tough time.

He is being nauseatingly nice and I feel like I can't breathe when I am in the same room. I am taking the DCs out soon to go to clubs and do some shopping.

There is one poster who comes on these threads and says her EA H changed. But I have literally never seen or heard of any other. They usually continue to be vile when you leave them, thus helpfully confirming at every hand and turn that you did the right thing.

I know that 'can't breathe' feeling - hurry up and start being horrible to me again. He will. It's just a manoeuvre.

oh TabbyT i can't offer you any advise, but i could have written your last sentence myself and i had to post.

totally get where you're coming from - i think there is a point of no return, and it genuinely doesn't matter if he changes, it's so deeply ingrained to walk on eggshells, keep the peace and live by the (sometimes unspoken) rules that once you see it and reach that point you'll never be able to truly relax and be yourself in his presence.

i feel a bit presumptuous posting as i'm still struggling with this myself, it's just my own experience but wanted to let you know you're not alone.

I left my EA h over a year ago and it's been a process, initially I was elated to be free from him, then there were tough times as my DC were 1.5 and 3.5 years and it was very difficult working full time and being on my own with them. We have had ups and downs since we separated. He initially admitted he had problems and started seeing a therapist, then he became withdrawn and would come for the children but communicate minimally with me, he went into a depression, then he tried to manipulate DD, saying toxic things about how he doesn't want to not be living with them etc.

I started seeing a therapist and then with this therapist tried to have family therapy with him to point out the harm he could cause the DC if he carried on like that. He used this as an opportunity to vent all his unhappiness about me and basically verbally attack me with a third party there. She fortunately saw him for what he was and he asked to meet her alone one time, she asked me if I was ok with that and I agreed and then I saw her alone and she said he is clearly very manipulative and she wouldn't see him again and that he should go back to his own therapist to try and work on his issues.

I filed for divorce a while ago and recently he has been nice as pie. He is very helpful and cooperative, he sees the children regularly. They are asking why can't daddy live with us, my 4 year old is saying but daddy is good now, he hasn't been cross for a long time. I feel terrible and there's a part of me that almost wants to try and repair the marriage for the sake of the DC. BUT I really don't love him, I really don't want him here day in and day out and I'm sure that once he got his feet back under the table he would revert to type.

It's not easy though, I foresee years of struggles ahead and I'm not sure when I'll properly feel free from him. And I worry that the DC will never understand as he's just loving, fun daddy, and that in future they'll hold it against me.

Sorry, I guess I needed to vent a bit.

I might be that one poster who has seen change. After more than a year of weekly therapy he has stopped most of the worst behaviours. This only came about because he was committed to it. I had two years of therapy and still cannot reconcile his behaviour towards me for 15 years. It wasn't love. For me the damage is done and despite his improvement the egg shells are still there.
I am happy he is now a better father and will make a better partner for someone else but our history makes it hard for me to trust him. Plus he slips back into old habits quite regularly. But I am now brave enough to challenge them.
I could stay and survive and maybe even be happy enough. But the more I learn about my own needs the more I know that no amount of change from him will meet those needs.
My advice is look after yourself and deal with what you are seeing right now not what you hope might be in the future. Let him improve himself because he knows it is the right thing to do not because he ways to win you back and let him do it alone. On top of everything else he has put you through you are not to become his partner in his recovery. That is just another job he is making you responsible for.
I feel very sidelined by his recovery process. It was all about him and focused little on his victims. He now days that looking forward is all that matters but I dint think that works when we need to feel like there have been consequences for him.
If he does go to therapy watch out for his wanting to be psychoanalyst towards you. He will learn new tricks to tell you that it is all about your faults. I got that for many months.
Good luck.

Remember, it doesn't sound to me like he has changed

Very astute af. Compared to what he was he is now amazing. But he wasn't starting from a very good baseline! The question is whether you accept that he had made an effort and admit that the tendencies remain. Is that enough? For me it isn't.

I have been on this board for many, many years under a variety of names.

I have been told several times over the years to LTB

Just over three years ago I almost did it. He did the classic "promising me the world" and I stupidly believed him as I desperately wanted stability for our children. I became pregnant (he was responsible for contraception) and with weeks he was back to his old (normal) ways.

Last year I told him I wanted a divorce. It has been a really tough time for all concerned

He found my copy of "why does he do that" and is now on an abusers programme but has told me that he doesn't need to be on it as he is an abuser. He told me that until I read the book I was "happy" and that the book has abused me it him

Honestly, if you can leave, please do

*As he isn't an abuser

I agree

Just because he is now a 2/10 piece of shit instead of a 10/10 piece of shit is not the point.

Any level of abuse is unacceptable.

Op

Please do not worry about your lovely children. They know things about your relationship with their father that you don't even know they know!

I can guarantee that your children will flourish and open up in ways you have never seen once he is out of the picture.

Please please do not fall for his Mr Nice act as that's all it is and all the time he is being nice you will be afraid inside wondering when it's all going to end.

I cannot believe you have been denied the opportunity to order a takeaway.

You deserve so much more, start thinking about how exciting your future is going to be, how amazing and free you will feel, sure you will experience some strong emotions over it all but demonstrating to yourself and your children that you won't tolerate this man and his behaviour any longer is the greatest thing you could do for yourself and your children right now.

Keep posting if you have moments of doubt or wobbles (totally normal btw) and we will help keep you on track.