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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my partner cheating? I've been a fool before...

48 replies

NeedAdvicePlease24 · 15/04/2016 13:01

Hi,
I'm totally new to Mumsnet, and am really looking for someone who will give me their honest (gentle) opinion.

A little background.....
Myself and my boyfriend have been together 5 years. In all honesty we had the worst start, he was living with his ex still (who he has 2 kids with) and I had no idea. I was also 'seeing' someone else at the start for around a month before we got more serious. He told me and left their family home about a year into our relationship as I gave him an ultimatum not willing to put up with someone living with another woman who i was in a relationship with. He always claimed they weren't in any sort of relationship but it was for the kids.

I thought he moved in with his dad. (I should say we have a long distance-ish relationship, about 1 hour 30 mins apart and work even further apart so we only saw eachother a few times a week). Then just before christmas this year he admitted he had been living back at their family home he claims for around a year, in a separate room to her only for the kids sake, (I think its been pretty much the whole relationship not just a year).
I also found out he went away with his ex, for 4 days just before Christmas. He claimed he couldn't take me because she would question where he was, kick him out and then he would lose his children. But he needed the break from work and wanted to go so it was just easier for him to go with her. He INSISTS aggressively they are not in any sort of romantic relationship.
I was an absolute fool and should have trusted my gut instinct years ago. I agreed to give things one more go and he has been living with me ever since that day before Christmas when all this came out.

So...
We generally talk all day every day on the phone, text and phonecalls, due to the fact its long distance.
But for the last few weeks, maybe a month, he has been ignoring me for hours on end which is totally unusual. He says its due to the fact he is busy at work, which initially I accepted.
However on Whatsapp, it tells you when someone has been active. And he is active throughout the day almost every 20 minutes, yet he wont answer my calls/texts/whatsapp messages for hours on end. Then when he does ring he does nothing but say how busy he has been.

I have confronted him and asked him outright why he is ignoring me if he is talking to someone else on there even if its his friends?
Ive asked him outright if he is talking to another woman or his ex as well and he get angry and denies it all, tells me I'm being stupid and that he will not argue over something stupid like Whatsapp. He takes his phone everywhere, toilet, shower etc also.

Am I paranoid now because he has hurt me so badly before or is this screamingly obvious to everyone that he is upto something again? Will I ever trust him?

I'm sorry this has been so long if anyone has read it. As I am writing this I cannot stop tears from dripping onto my desk at work and Im realising what an absolute fool I have been and wondering what the hell I am doing.

I should also say, I've never met his kids, never met his parents, never met his friends no matter how often I bring it up and ask. He however is a big part of my families lives.

OP posts:
JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit · 15/04/2016 13:08

The simple fact he hasn't introduced you to anyone is a massive red flag to me. It sounds to be like he is still Treating you like the other woman. Even if he's not actually seeing anyone else that's not on.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 15/04/2016 13:13

Sorry OP but it does sound as if you're the other woman and he's quite possibly still with his wife. Regardless, you deserve better so I'd move on if I were you.

PeppermintPasty · 15/04/2016 13:18

I agree, sorry. He is playing you for a fool in my view.

Also, I don't understand fully the bit where you say he is now living with you, yet you talk on the phone a lot because it is a long distance relationship.

I think this sounds very very stressful. It's not normal to live with this high degree of suspicion and doubt. It would eat away at me, and you certainly sound unhappy.

EarthboundMisfit · 15/04/2016 13:20

From what you've said I think he's still with his wife. In any case this isn't a good relationship for you is it?

Genx77 · 15/04/2016 13:21

He's still married, I thought that as soon as I began reading the thread, but the fact that you've never met any friends or family makes it screamingly obvious. Has he told you why he won't introduce you to them?
I don't think he contacts you during the day because he's with his wife. If I were you I'd try and track her down via Facebook etc and ask her outright if they are still together.
This man is never going to tell you the truth, he sounds like the type who has completely convinced himself that what he is doing is fine so he's hardly going to come clean with you. The question is, how much more of your life are you going to waste on him? He's making a fool of you.

WellErrr · 15/04/2016 13:23

I only got as far as your first paragraph before thinking 'oh dear.'

Ouriana · 15/04/2016 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morasssassafras · 15/04/2016 13:25

5 years and you've not been introduced to anyone. You are probably the other woman I'm afraid and even if not then he's not 100% into this relationship.

suspiciousofgoldfish · 15/04/2016 13:27

Is he up to something?

Yes. Lots of things in fact.

Sounds like a car crash from start to finish.

Get out now.

Original poster
NeedAdvicePlease24 · 15/04/2016 13:30

He promised after he came clean before Christmas I would be introduced to everyone within a month and leave their house again, its been 4 and he has been with me every night since, but we argue about it constantly now about meeting people and he just says 'I will. I promise I will'.
The kids he says will take time as they have to get used to the idea of Dad having a different girlfriend (they are 13 and 7). But his parents/friends theres just no excuse.

Sorry, I meant to say we always have talked non stop on the phone for 5 years as we were long distance before. He has been living with me since just before Christmas. So for him now to ignore me all the time is a massive change in his behaviour.

I cannot believe I am the other woman and have been for 5 years. What if his ex had no idea and she thought she was also with him for all this time?

I am so unhappy and tell him this, I just I cannot understand why I just can't walk away. When we are together I can honestly say its the happiest ive been in any relationship, he treats me perfectly when we are in each others company. But obviously all this other stuff massively over rides it.

I've told no one any of this either, i'm too ashamed. I feel alone and I know what my friends and family will say if I tell them.

I sound pathetic I know, and I'm so angry and upset with myself.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/04/2016 13:32

So so many red flags in your post.
It's astounding to me that you have remained with this lying cheat for so long.
Yes he's up to all sorts I'm afraid and he's taking you for a complete mug.
Don't let him do this to you.
Get out of it and leave him to his wife and family.
Find someone who lives closer and who isn't a lying cheating scumbag!
You can't possibly want to be with 'a man' this much.

Kr1stina · 15/04/2016 13:34

What do you want ? Do you want to end this relathionship or do you want to go on being the OW?

TheLambShankRedemption · 15/04/2016 13:46

Dump and run.

A car crash from start to finish and it needs to end. You will get over it and feel healthier, calmer and more confident. Doesn't that sound far more appealing than the mess you are in?

Binders1 · 15/04/2016 13:58

He has consistently lied to you and still is and you're letting him. You can't change him no matter how many demands, ultimatums, arguing you do with him.

The question is, how much more of your life are you going to waste on him?

This!

hejsvejs · 15/04/2016 14:05

Has he changed his address to yours with his bank, mobile phone, work etc?

Are you friends on Facebook and "in a relationship" there?

Does his friends know about you at all?

Jan45 · 15/04/2016 14:14

You have been the OW and still are, he went on holiday with his wife!

I could list many things but what's the point, you really need to be asking yourself why you have allowed someone to take the piss for so long, I wouldnt even say you had a relationship tbh.

You will feel a million times better if you tell him to fuck off even though it will hurt like hell, he's playing you like a fiddle, sorry.

BobbiTheCynicalPanda · 15/04/2016 14:18

Getting a bit confused here OP.
You say he's been living with you since just before Christmas, but earlier you said this:
"We generally talk all day every day on the phone, text and phonecalls, due to the fact its long distance.
But for the last few weeks, maybe a month, he has been ignoring me for hours on end which is totally unusual. "

I'm not sure how he views your relationship - hejsvejs asked some great questions.

But actually, I think it's irrelevant. You were the OW - unwittingly- for 5 years. He's a cheat, the whole situation is a car crash.
Run like hell.

BolshierAryaStark · 15/04/2016 14:40

How can you in all honesty not see that you're the OW? You haven't met any of his friends & family yet you've been together for 5 years! Don't you think this is just a little bit odd?
Stop letting this knobber walk all over you, run-fast.

Original poster
NeedAdvicePlease24 · 15/04/2016 14:46

His friends know about me, I am friends with a few of them on social media but he has no photos no nothing of me on his (as his 13 year old is on facebook, instrgram etc is his reason for that).

OP posts:
JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit · 15/04/2016 14:59

I think you need to confront him outright and if your not happy with his answered try and contact his wife. Are there plans for him to get divorced?

HooseRice · 15/04/2016 15:06

I have a friend who has had a similar relationship for 8 years now. I wish she'd tell him to fuck off once and for all he's a twatballs. If you were my friend, OP, I'd wish you'd do the same.

Kr1stina · 15/04/2016 15:20

You say he's a big part of your family's lives .

What do you family think about the fact that your BF is married with kids ?

Figgygal · 15/04/2016 15:25

How have you lived like this for 5 YEARS!!

Read back your post if someone recanted that to you what would you tell them to do?

StuRedman · 15/04/2016 15:26

I wouldn't believe a word he says. There's no way he'd left his wife before, and is probably still keeping her sweet now with some big lie.

Binders1 · 15/04/2016 15:27

Need - But his parents/friends theres just no excuse. There is an excuse though, they would find out you have been the OW for the last 5 years.

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