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Original poster

Is my partner cheating? I've been a fool before...

48 replies

NeedAdvicePlease24 · 15/04/2016 13:01

Hi,
I'm totally new to Mumsnet, and am really looking for someone who will give me their honest (gentle) opinion.

A little background.....
Myself and my boyfriend have been together 5 years. In all honesty we had the worst start, he was living with his ex still (who he has 2 kids with) and I had no idea. I was also 'seeing' someone else at the start for around a month before we got more serious. He told me and left their family home about a year into our relationship as I gave him an ultimatum not willing to put up with someone living with another woman who i was in a relationship with. He always claimed they weren't in any sort of relationship but it was for the kids.

I thought he moved in with his dad. (I should say we have a long distance-ish relationship, about 1 hour 30 mins apart and work even further apart so we only saw eachother a few times a week). Then just before christmas this year he admitted he had been living back at their family home he claims for around a year, in a separate room to her only for the kids sake, (I think its been pretty much the whole relationship not just a year).
I also found out he went away with his ex, for 4 days just before Christmas. He claimed he couldn't take me because she would question where he was, kick him out and then he would lose his children. But he needed the break from work and wanted to go so it was just easier for him to go with her. He INSISTS aggressively they are not in any sort of romantic relationship.
I was an absolute fool and should have trusted my gut instinct years ago. I agreed to give things one more go and he has been living with me ever since that day before Christmas when all this came out.

So...
We generally talk all day every day on the phone, text and phonecalls, due to the fact its long distance.
But for the last few weeks, maybe a month, he has been ignoring me for hours on end which is totally unusual. He says its due to the fact he is busy at work, which initially I accepted.
However on Whatsapp, it tells you when someone has been active. And he is active throughout the day almost every 20 minutes, yet he wont answer my calls/texts/whatsapp messages for hours on end. Then when he does ring he does nothing but say how busy he has been.

I have confronted him and asked him outright why he is ignoring me if he is talking to someone else on there even if its his friends?
Ive asked him outright if he is talking to another woman or his ex as well and he get angry and denies it all, tells me I'm being stupid and that he will not argue over something stupid like Whatsapp. He takes his phone everywhere, toilet, shower etc also.

Am I paranoid now because he has hurt me so badly before or is this screamingly obvious to everyone that he is upto something again? Will I ever trust him?

I'm sorry this has been so long if anyone has read it. As I am writing this I cannot stop tears from dripping onto my desk at work and Im realising what an absolute fool I have been and wondering what the hell I am doing.

I should also say, I've never met his kids, never met his parents, never met his friends no matter how often I bring it up and ask. He however is a big part of my families lives.

OP posts:
mum2mum99 · 15/04/2016 15:31

beetroot red flag. Getting out is by far the best option.

2flyforwifi2 · 15/04/2016 15:48

I'd contact the wife, find out what's been going on.

TheCrumpettyTree · 15/04/2016 15:53

Yes he has been cheating, with you.

inlectorecumbit · 15/04/2016 18:30

i honestly think you are the OW Sad

NewtoCornland · 15/04/2016 22:14

I'm totally with fly on this one.....he's not going to give you the truth, you Need to get the truth from someone.

Mishaps · 15/04/2016 22:18

Just run - you don't trust him, so life will be misery.

haveacupoftea · 15/04/2016 22:41

Not long into your post i realised he is still with his wife. FIVE YEARS and you haven't met his family, moved in together, got engaged? Even if he wasn't cheating, he isn't serious about you.

Dump him, now.

magoria · 15/04/2016 23:02

Yeah sorry I think he is cheating.

ON HIS WIFE*

You are the OW. You are a dirty little secret to him. I bet he would drop you like a hot potato if it came out you were sleeping together.

Louiebishbosh · 15/04/2016 23:15

I feel sorry for his wife and children to be honest.

MangosteenSoda · 15/04/2016 23:35

He sounds like a total disaster. You need to totally disengage from him.

Nonotmenori · 16/04/2016 10:14

I'm sorry OP , but your situation is pretty much exactly what I went through with my ex. Except he never mentioned he was married. The fact he hasn't introduced you to anyone says it all. He is still very much married and with his wife. He is lying to you and using you for his fantasy life outside of his marriage. Do you even know his wife's name? If so, look her up on fb. See if she's got family photos up. Don't stay in denial another day. He doesn't care about you. He says he does, but his actions say it all. All he cares about is himself and having the whole package. As in the wife and kids and then the ow to shag and have his connection with.

He won't leave his wife. Get out now. Don't waste another five years having your life on hold for this lying, cheating scumbag.

Potatoface2 · 16/04/2016 10:45

hes not cheating on you......hes cheating on his wife WITH YOU....simples!

Isetan · 16/04/2016 11:38

Have to agree, you are the OW.

JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit · 16/04/2016 11:58

I do wonder what he's told his wife if he's been living with you since Christmas though? I hope you're OK OP, it must be a terrible shock coming to this realisation x

firesidechat · 16/04/2016 14:03

Slightly glossing over the fact that you are/were the other woman, there are lots of things in your post that I don't understand.

You say he now lives with you. So he comes home to you every night and stays all night and then goes to work in the morning? You spend weekends together?

If the above is true then I would expect messaging each other to tail off now. I can see why you would need so much contact when it was long distance, but that has now changed.

firesidechat · 16/04/2016 14:06

You also say that you have moved in together and that you are long distance. Which is it now?

MrsBoDuke · 16/04/2016 14:29

You are the OW.

After I discovered my husband's very long term affair, I found out that the OW believed all sorts of utter bollocks that he'd been feeding her.

Bin him off, he's a twat.
You're worth more.

Hissy · 16/04/2016 19:16

Bless you, is this ALL you think you're worth?

Head up, and keep walking. He's a prick.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate · 17/04/2016 09:14

Yep, I agree with the others. This man is a lying, cheating scumbag. He has been cheating for the last 5 years on his wife, with you.

You are not his girlfriend, you are his affair partner, you just don't get that.

dangerrabbit · 17/04/2016 09:24

I agree with the majority- it doesn't seem like this guy is having a legitimate relationship with you. Even if you are the only one, he's not committed and I know this is hard to hear but I think you have wasted the last 5 years of your life with someone who doesn't care about you like you do them. I would move on and spend a period of time single thinking about what you really want from a relationship and establishing your boundaries so this doesn't happen again.

whimsical1975 · 17/04/2016 19:49

Oh.dear.

I've been in one of these types of relationships. Started when I was 19... I was ridiculously naive and he was my first seriously boyfriend. I was with him for 9 years. He cheated on me every single day for those 9 years. I was friends with some of his friends (not good friends at all but every now and then we'd go out in the evening together). I wasn't introduced to a single member of his family for the first few years and even after that it was almost as if he would sneak me into the house and then get rid of me as quickly as he could. He was seeing someone else (who I knew existed, and I knew they had a history, but who he swore was in the past... yeah... bloody...right!!!!). We lived about a 40mins drive away from each other, he used to DJ in the evenings and I worked in the day so we only saw each other a handful of times a week.

He never did any of the "normal" relationship things with me like take me out during the day, shopping, lunch etc... not ever. Once in a blue moon we would go out to a movie but he always had an excuse to go to some completely obscure cinema that no-one ever went to!!!! He saw my family often. When we saw each other it was always at my place (I still lived with my parents for the first few years of our relationship). He knew everyone in my family and every single one of my friends.

After about 7 years together, having discovered numerous times during these years that he had been cheating with other women AND having carried on a serious relationship with the OW I had known about before (she was the one spending the time with his family, at his home etc which is why I was never welcome there), I gave him an ultimatum and he said he wanted to be with me and moved into my place (I was by then living on my own). However, it took another 2 years of me ignoring what I knew was the truth... he was living 2 completely separate lives. One with me, and another with this OW. I eventually ended it. I met my now DH and when I look back I honestly cannot believe what I put up with.

This man of yours is having a relationship with someone else. There is very little doubt about this. He cannot introduce you to his family because he doesn't want them nor the other lady involved to know (whether that be his wife or someone else). The fact that you know some of his friends only means that they are prepared to keep his dirty little secret for him.

He wouldn't dare put any pictures of you and him up on social media because the game would be up and he's not prepared to lose the other woman he's in a relationship with - in fact, has he allowed any couply type pictures to be taken of the two of you together??? I'm going to hazard a guess that he hasn't... don't commit your life to a man who is not prepared to do the same for you... he.is.not.worth.it.

Let this go, please, for your own well-being, happiness and self-respect.

wickerbasket9999 · 17/04/2016 20:09

This reply has been deleted

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diamond457 · 17/04/2016 20:19

Clearly he's still with her and your the other woman. It is not normal to live with your ex partner a year after the split up. Not normal.

He probably talks to a load of women on whatsapp if he's ignoring you. Hes a chancer get rid.
Five years in you should be making plans for the future and living together, met in laws a long time ago, met his ex a long time ago.

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