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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you think...? DH text msgs

44 replies

ItMightbeTheEnd · 15/04/2016 11:11

My husband called someone who works for him a pet name by text.... Not just any name it's sexual (xxxxxx tits).

I've been wary of this woman, but assumed was just my envy of her youth/blonde/single/no kid status - also wary as she had an affair with another of their colleagues (married man).

Saw a text conversation between them. All professional, then one random picture msg which DH couldn't receive and requested via whatsapp. If she did send it, he's deleted now it as no history of whatasapp from her.
Later they had a text conv re work. His last reply was cheers.... 'xxxx tits'.

Alarm bells or banter? As he is her boss I reckon it's inappropriate from a professional level but obviously I am not thinking professional....

OP posts:

NNalreadyinuse · 15/04/2016 11:17

Alarm bells definitely. Totally inappropriate. Am sorry to say but if he is not already shagging her, then he is trying to. And when it all goes pear shaped, he could well get sacked.

AliceInUnderpants · 15/04/2016 11:21

Totally inappropriate.

BolshierAryaStark · 15/04/2016 11:22

I banter with a male at work & call him sugar tits, it's a joke & does have a back story however I don't think this is the case here. He's on dangerous ground really as he's her boss. I'd be speaking to him about it.

Jan45 · 15/04/2016 11:22

I'd think how highly inappropriate and disrespectful to you but also calling a woman that is derogatory.

Original poster

ItMightbeTheEnd · 15/04/2016 11:37

Thanks all for quick replies. Sometimes it's hard to be objective.

I am going to watch and see here. So tempting to blow up, but I am going to observe future activity. At the moment he could simply claim stupidity, I'd like to see what is really going on.... Patience is a virtue.....

OP posts:

NNalreadyinuse · 15/04/2016 11:40

If he was mine I'd ask him how he'd feel about receiving divorce papers and his P45, all in the same week.

NNalreadyinuse · 15/04/2016 11:46

Patience is not a virtue - waiting too long just gives him time to get further involved.

Dig a bit and see what comes up. If you have access to his fb/email/phone bills, you ought to be taking a closer look. Best to find out the extent of his betrayal before you confront and get lied to. He will lie btw - they invariably do.

Affair aside for a minute, if he gets sacked for being a sleazy fucker, can your family get by financially? For this reason alone, I wouldn't bury my head I the sand for too long.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 15/04/2016 11:49

I'd be really unhappy about it. Looks like he is deleting messages from her too.

Massively inappropriate

scarlets · 15/04/2016 11:51

If it's "sugar tits" it could be a reference to Gavin and Stacey. I've heard fans of the show use that expression as a joke.

However, I think you need to talk to him. If he's chasing her rather than in-joking, he could be in a whole heap of trouble at work, to say nothing of what it would do to your relationship.

Goingtobeawesome · 15/04/2016 11:53

He's a sleaze. Not banter. Is he risking his job? Boss or not, when it all goes tits up, sorry no other term for it, she could have him for sexual harassment if she so choices. He's a dick.

Original poster

ItMightbeTheEnd · 15/04/2016 12:09

I don't want a confrontation on the basis of just this message. And I am taking a look when I can at his social media, snooping really but needs must. I can see he's rarely on whatsapp by the 'last seen' information. Don't have access to his bill.

It's not sugar.. I was trying to avoid identification, but i guess neither of them will be here! it's stupid term that he's used before in banter, possibly even with mates 'cheese tits' - she replied to say she does not have 'cheese tits' with a smiley face.

No more msgs. Would love to know what the picture msg was though.

OP posts:

JonesTheSteam · 15/04/2016 12:20

Can you access the photo gallery on his phone? Whenever I look at a photo in a WhatsApp convo on my phone it seems to save there in a WhatsApp folder automatically, and I didn't realise until a couple of weeks ago. (Mine is full of fascinating Google Earth images of football pitches where my kids are playing and random pics my sister sends me!)

NNalreadyinuse · 15/04/2016 12:24

If this was me and I could not access his accounts secretly, I would tell him what I had seen and damand he give me immediate access to all his email/skype/fb/phone bills and I would go through it there and then. Failure to do do would he seen as complete admission of guilt. Don't let him make you feel guilty about looking or buy into any of that invasion of privacy bullshit they come out with (which buys them time to delete evidence). He broke any right he had to trust and privacy when he started behaving in this way.

But if you can, look secretly first - they only usually admit to stuff you have already found out about. If the phone is a work mobile mke him request the back copies of bills. He won't like it but he owes you full disclosure.

Can't believe he is stupid enough to risk his career like this.

Original poster

ItMightbeTheEnd · 15/04/2016 12:25

Thank you JonesTheSteam - I knew this but it never occurred to me! will try it later... of course she may never have sent anything... then all I have is the cheers message.

OP posts:

LovelyBrewandBiscuits · 15/04/2016 12:26

Alarm bells definitely. Even if it just 'banter', referring to a woman as xxxx tits suggests he's a misogynistic cunt.

NNalreadyinuse · 15/04/2016 12:26

icloud and dropbox are sometimes set to sync with your phone to automatically back up messages and photos

MoreGilmoreGirls · 15/04/2016 12:28

Yes in my gallery I have a folder for all whatsapp images. They are added automatically so see if you can find it!

Sorry OP it does not look good. Even if he's not been up to anything it's very inappropriate.

BolshierAryaStark · 15/04/2016 12:29

Fucking cheese tits? Sorry but that is just weird

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 15/04/2016 12:32

Cheese tits? God knows what kind of in joke that. Him saying that opens a conversation up about her tits.

In reality is probally say 'WTF is this?' But sometimes I think it's better to wait a while and see if you see anything else. You will be super aware now of anything.

Original poster

ItMightbeTheEnd · 15/04/2016 12:34

yes it's weird, one of his banter terms, not even pleasant is it. given that their not her real attributes 'plastic tits' would be more appropriate.

be interesting to see if that msg is deleted later also....

OP posts:

CamembertQueen · 15/04/2016 12:34

Going against the grain here but cheese tits doesn't sound that flirtatious? I agree, it is inappropriate but if the rest of the conversation was professional then I think it is mote of an inappropriate in joke than anything else. I would just tell him you saw it and see how he responds. Depends on if you have suspected him of cheating due to other red flags also.

Heavens2Betsy · 15/04/2016 12:35

The fact that you are snooping means you don't trust him. Why do you feel that way?
Sounds like the very early stages of an affair, but if you go in all guns blazing now you will drive it underground and make him cover his tracks.
I would watch with caution, but try not to get obsessed.
(Easier said than done - I know!)

Genx77 · 15/04/2016 13:06

Oh crikey, I call my personal trainer sugartits and have done for years (he's male BTW) I never considered it as flirtatious or the beginnings of an affair?! I've called him that for years, he thinks it's hilarious. I'm happily married (20 years) and my husband doesn't care I call him that, so to me it's s complete non issue. So I wouldnt go in all guns blazing, of course that friends on the deleted photo.....

LovelyBrewandBiscuits · 15/04/2016 13:08

Gen I think it's very different a woman calling a man sugar or cheese tits than the other way around.

Original poster

ItMightbeTheEnd · 15/04/2016 13:16

I saw the msg from her coming in as his phone was on the counter, and I wondered why as it was the wk end. I have been wary of her, and their working relationship, for ages so my nose got the better of me.

Like most marriages we have bad patches and I wonder sometimes if we're even suited.

I think watch with caution is the approach...

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