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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner calling me annoying name

66 replies

littleme4055 · 14/04/2016 17:40

Hi,

Wondering if its just me over reacting here but its been niggling me twice in the last few weeks.

I have been with my partner a year now and we are just in the process of moving house, we are waiting for the house to be ready which will be in 2 weeks time. We are currently staying at my parents until then and they have been very kind to keep us there.

In the meantime myself and my partner have been away to give my parents peace and its been good and things are going well, but lately, my partner has been saying to me "hello stinky" and calling me odd names...

I am thinking hmm he use to call me babe, nice names etc and its niggling me. The first time I didnt say anything, but last 2 weeks replied back to him and said hello smelly in return. I am feeling offended here, as I shower everyday, perfume on, always smell nice, never let myself slip but this has upset me.

Then today he did it again saying "hello stinky, any news on the house!"

I replied saying, if you call me that again, I will call you a twat or smelly, so please its immature and comes across disrespectful and I don't think you would be happy if I called you silly names.

His reply was, I was only joking, can you not take a joke and why are you being so difficult, you didnt react last time, so why now? he says to me " I think you are overreacting and take it as a sorry in the manner it was given, I have already apologised and don't need to say anything more.

I told him I am busy at work, which is true and I cant be bothered to talk anymore about this....just stop doing it end of.

am I over reacting? I feel like he is acting a twat/immature and he isn't young either this is a guy who is in his late forties? If he does it again, Im just wondering how to handle it, unless he likes to get reactions from me, which makes me look weak, the good part is when I feel I am being treated unfairly I can be very cold, distant and very much doing my own thing which will only get worse, even more I will leave him if I feel he is being disrespectful. I am not afraid to.

Doesnt help that the house is being delayed to move into and not ready yet, should have been last week and may be another 2 weeks...so I am trying to just get on with my life without feeling stressed.....

Today was going well until I felt I was over reacting.

thank you for reading.....

OP posts:

Isetan · 16/04/2016 02:08

The you can't take a joke line of defence is concerning.

SecretWitch · 16/04/2016 02:34

I would calmly say to him " Please don't call me names, I don't like it" If he continues with his behaviour after you have requested he stop, I would rethink the relationship. Calling someone demeaning names, especially when they have said STOP, is not a good sign.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/04/2016 03:51

"His reply was, I was only joking, can you not take a joke and why are you being so difficult, you didnt react last time, so why now? "
That's a REALLY interesting thing he said to you. It shows how deliberate the name-calling is. He knew he'd called you this ONCE before, and how you reacted to it. I can almost imagine him with a clipboard taking notes.

'You didn't react last time' - did he want you to react? Was he disappointed you didn't react? You say first time you were rushing out the door, this time to your face. So he was taking more care this time to make sure you were fully aware of what he was calling you, and that he would be able to observe your reaction.

He's pushing your boundaries to see what you do. How far do you think he'll push you?

The timing is interesting too. You're about to move in together, so about to become financially enmeshed. Could be he thinks he now owns you.

No OP, I don't think you're overreacting.

Chinks123 · 16/04/2016 08:35

Right MistressDeeCee I get what you're saying. I would firstly like to say I don't have a "don't be silly" attitude, a friend in RL has been in an abusive relationship and I would offer support to any women in that situation. I am certainly not trying to teach women to ignore future problems!

My 'Abit silly' comment was just saying basically, perhaps badly, that we don't know how he said it and if it was in jest then maybe she is overreacting. But after rereading his further comments I can see that his attitude was not really on. But I was focusing more on the ops comments of him trying to be young again when in his 40s and presumed he was having Abit of fun. I know me and DP calling each other names isn't the same because we are both fine with it, and yes obviously I would stop if he wasn't.

Basically to end the ramble, I in no way think you're silly OP, I can't tell in what way he said it, so if he doesn't say it again and nothing else happens etc then maybe he was trying something funny. If he does, you need to tell him it's not on; mean names in a non funny way are not nice so if that's the case yanbu. And I would like to reiterate to any other women if my op came across badly, you're not being silly and don't ignore any signs you feel. Genuine apology if my post was dismissive I was just focusing on the fact in our house 'stinky' is affectionate.

Xxxlaineyxxx · 17/04/2016 15:14

To be honest, I would just retaliate with something along the lines of 'cockchops' or 'twatface' but then again I am a massive child. Luckily so is DP so we just tend to escalate the name calling until we run out of insults

woollytights · 17/04/2016 15:50

Moutain out of a bloody molehill. Mother of god

Intacta · 17/04/2016 16:01

Would be a red flag for me.

Abuse does start this way and often timed when you are taking a step to get further in - moving in together, having a baby. Did you live together before? And it can hide behind the fact that in healthy relationships people do tease each other and more so as they become more at ease. But in those cases it's mutual, doesn't put you off centre. Your antenna picked up the difference. It doesn't lie, even when we try to shrug it off as 'I'm overreacting'.

VestalVirgin · 17/04/2016 16:04

His reply was, I was only joking, can you not take a joke and why are you being so difficult, you didnt react last time, so why now? he says to me "

Okay, people here will hate me, but I am going to give you my theory on this:

He is planning to become abusive once you cannot as easily leave because you bought a house with him (did you? or is it just rented?), and this nickname is his testing your boundaries.

I openly admit I am a pessimist, but this "why are you being so difficult" gets my alarm bells ringing.

If someone really didn't mean it, he could have said "sorry, I thought it was funny, but was wrong." Shifting the blame to you ... well. This is a red flag.

Watch out for other red flags. Don't get pregnant. I mean, make really, really sure it cannot happen. If you take the pill, keep it somewhere he has no access to.

Pessimists are not often happy, but we are always prepared.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/04/2016 16:07

He's a lot older than you? Late forties you said.

You've been together a year.

You say you are moving house now, not that you are moving in together, and you are both staying with your parents. Does that mean you have already living together for a few months? You must have moved in together quite soon after starting to go out. Did he move into your place?

That's all very fast.

A man in his late forties speedily moving in with a younger woman and then into her parent's place. Showing possible signs of being a twat. Is he recently divorced?

Hissy · 17/04/2016 16:14

Normal people, if you bring to their attention that they've hurt or upset you in any way say an unreserved sorry.

AND IT NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN

If they come back at you and defend the fact that you didn't complain the first time, there are as many red flags as a parade in the former USSR.

The timing is consistent. Most abusers can manage a year without sowing the see for your acceptance of their control.

Another milestone is marriage/moving in/getting pg.

It means you're trapped, on the hook and they can start to show you who they really are.

hobbisl38 · 17/04/2016 16:26

Sounds a bit like he's having a few doubts to me. Might be time for a chat.

eloquent · 17/04/2016 20:22

Some people on this thread are having a major over reaction.

You've told him you don't like it. He's not called it you since.
You're entitled to be upset, but thinking about leaving after him calling you stinky twice is an over reaction.
Sounds like you both need to learn to communicate with each other.

Hausfrau29 · 17/04/2016 20:46

Not very mature of me, but when my husband calls me something I don't like (not that he's being nasty, he just doesn't think sometimes) I usually reply with "Alright, fuckface?" and give him a big smile... Soon makes him realise he wasn't being too nice.

offside · 17/04/2016 20:53

I can't believe the overeaction on this thread. I think a few of you have to read it again, particularly those throwing the abuse card around. She has now told him she doesn't like it, and he hasn't repeated it since.. how is that abusive?

I too, would probably have the same reaction as him after two weeks of her not raising any opposition to it. Surely if she felt that strongly about it, she would have said something right at the beginning. I get his confusion, his response isn't abusive.

I think the op has throw massive passive aggressive red flags in her post, and immature communication skills, both of which as pointers for abusive behaviour but those of you throwing the abuse card around are somehow skipping over that. How she has stated she behaves is more of a red flag for abuse to me, than what her DP has done.

Momoftwoscallywags · 17/04/2016 21:14

OP you know how you feel, this has obviously made you feel very uncomfortable. You have every right to ask ANYONE who makes you feel uncomfortable to stop whatever it is that they are doing. So you did good girl!

As to using the "I was only joking" line, well, it is a form of bullying, even if the original incident wasn't intended that way. My hubby used this line all the time at the start of our relationship, he has a rather sarcastic and even, some would say, nasty sense of humour but I soon put a stop to that.

I just pulled him up on it every time he tried it, even in public. He was a bit bewildered at first, as no one had EVER called him out about it before so he really didn't realise that he was doing something wrong.

It took him a while to "get it", that a joke is only funny if EVERYONE laughs at it and he sometimes still slips up (as he also uses homour as a defense mechanism) but all it takes now is a look to make him stop or at least to reconsider the punchline! We have been married for over 20 years now so we have really fine tuned our non-verbal cues.

expatinscotland · 17/04/2016 21:31

This would be a red flag for me. You have told him you don't like it. He keeps doing it.

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