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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner calling me annoying name

66 replies

littleme4055 · 14/04/2016 17:40

Hi,

Wondering if its just me over reacting here but its been niggling me twice in the last few weeks.

I have been with my partner a year now and we are just in the process of moving house, we are waiting for the house to be ready which will be in 2 weeks time. We are currently staying at my parents until then and they have been very kind to keep us there.

In the meantime myself and my partner have been away to give my parents peace and its been good and things are going well, but lately, my partner has been saying to me "hello stinky" and calling me odd names...

I am thinking hmm he use to call me babe, nice names etc and its niggling me. The first time I didnt say anything, but last 2 weeks replied back to him and said hello smelly in return. I am feeling offended here, as I shower everyday, perfume on, always smell nice, never let myself slip but this has upset me.

Then today he did it again saying "hello stinky, any news on the house!"

I replied saying, if you call me that again, I will call you a twat or smelly, so please its immature and comes across disrespectful and I don't think you would be happy if I called you silly names.

His reply was, I was only joking, can you not take a joke and why are you being so difficult, you didnt react last time, so why now? he says to me " I think you are overreacting and take it as a sorry in the manner it was given, I have already apologised and don't need to say anything more.

I told him I am busy at work, which is true and I cant be bothered to talk anymore about this....just stop doing it end of.

am I over reacting? I feel like he is acting a twat/immature and he isn't young either this is a guy who is in his late forties? If he does it again, Im just wondering how to handle it, unless he likes to get reactions from me, which makes me look weak, the good part is when I feel I am being treated unfairly I can be very cold, distant and very much doing my own thing which will only get worse, even more I will leave him if I feel he is being disrespectful. I am not afraid to.

Doesnt help that the house is being delayed to move into and not ready yet, should have been last week and may be another 2 weeks...so I am trying to just get on with my life without feeling stressed.....

Today was going well until I felt I was over reacting.

thank you for reading.....

OP posts:

Branleuse · 14/04/2016 22:12

surely it depends how its said.

Branleuse · 14/04/2016 22:13

i wouldnt be offended by my dp calling me stinky in an affectionate way, as long as he wasnt implying that i actually stank

Marzipants · 14/04/2016 22:17

Is it perhaps because he feels awkward using your usual pet names while you're staying with his parents?

Might be weird calling "yoohoo, sexy bum" over his dad's shoulder.

Sallystyle · 14/04/2016 22:18

I call my husband all sorts of silly names.

However he doesn't mind. If he did I would apologise sincerely and never do it again.

You are not wrong for how you feel. If he says it again then you know you have a problem. If he doesn't do it again then there isn't much of a problem is there?

mum2mum99 · 14/04/2016 22:39

emotional abuse starts with gentle put downs. I have a name and that's what I want to be called. Anything sweet I can tolerate, but anything else not.

Hissy · 14/04/2016 22:56

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM

This is exactly how abuse starts.

FredaMayor · 14/04/2016 23:14

A sly insult and a pathetic apology. The man is an idiot, OP. I'm sure you're perfectly hygienic, but as others have said this a start in a slide in your relationship IME - even down to that same word used (I hope your details are accurate so I can be sure its not the same sorry bastard).

offside · 15/04/2016 08:27

Oh wow, now she's clearly walking into an abusive relationship. All of us who's partners call us silly names and us them, are clearly abusive.

Everyone shows affection differently. Some people really need to lighten up. Abusive? Laughable.

Fairylea · 15/04/2016 08:33

I guess it depends on the kind of relationship you have. Dh and I have been together nearly 7 years, 2 children, very happy and I wake him up (when I'm downstairs before him for example) by sending him a "oi dickhead get up" text to which he responds "I am up twatface" and so on. All meant in jest and silliness. Other people would perhaps be less than impressed but it's fine for us.

If you're not happy with something your partner should respect that, but it doesn't sound like he was saying it to be horrid.

Gabilan · 15/04/2016 08:41

Name calling could be the start of abuse or it could be the start of silly fun. Presumably that's why abusers do it - because it can be innocent. Otherwise it would always be a red flag and abusers would avoid it.

peggyundercrackers · 15/04/2016 08:45

I think your over reacting because most people use silly names as terms of endearment when speaking to their partners.

I also think it'd odd that because he is working lots of hours, not texting and not giving you a lot of attention your barriers are up - sorry don't understand that. Surely as an adult you know partners have to do other things in their lives and that your not always the centre of attention - your post sounded a little bit sulky.

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/04/2016 08:54

Silly names could be fun, if it is mutually enjoyed.

You don't enjoy it. The fact that he won't take your feelings on board is the problem here.

Ludways · 15/04/2016 08:59

Dh and I call each other silly names, smelly and stinky being two of them. I've been in an abusive relationship in the past and these names are far from it.

That said, you have every right to tell him you don't like something and have the expectation that it would stop. I personally hate twee names like pet, babe and love etc. but if you like them and he's been happy to use them in the past then that is what he should use from now on.

Ludways · 15/04/2016 09:04

Also, if is behaviour has changed then something may be worrying him or something is happening in his life you don't know about. Maybe ask him what's the matter rather than just immediately saying he's in the wrong. It's a two way street.

blindsider · 15/04/2016 09:08

I would be far happier being called stinky than Babe, I cannot imagine anything more demeaning.

gandalf456 · 15/04/2016 09:16

I think he probably is joking but, like you, I wouldn't really like it - especially if it were all the time.

You've asked him to stop now so let's see if he does.

Chinks123 · 15/04/2016 09:44

"This is exactly how abuse starts"

Not necessarily, that's a pretty big leap to make. As I mentioned me and DP call each other lots of names, stinky being one of them. He doesn't smell and I worship the ground he walks on, we are in no way in an abusive relationship! As a pp said we all show emotion and love in different ways.

Op your partner might just be trying out a funny nickname and think it's cute, only you know the manner in which he said it. Obviously you don't like it and you've told him so-so now see if it stops. But calling abuse is Abit silly

nauticant · 15/04/2016 10:22

I don't think you're over-reacting to be on your guard over this. If he continues to do this against your wishes then you've definitely got a problem. Especially since he came out with this shit:

NewtoCornland · 15/04/2016 11:53

marzipan you picked up on exactly what I was going to say......perhaps the lovey dovey nn you normally use makes him feel uncomfortable in front of your parents so he deals with that by using 'humorous' nn?

You don't 'get' the humour and that's fine. You told him you don't like it and that's fine also. He hasn't repeated his mistake but you speak of leaving him and that's bloody ridiculous. You've kind of joined the camp of hissy with that one.

mix56 · 15/04/2016 13:20

I would hate it. its either incredibly childish, or a deliberate bate. Its got you wondering if you smell. What if he called you "foul breath", would that be funny?
Pity you didn't ask him not to call you that after the first time. But now just ask him stop, or if you smell bad, now is the time to tell you clearly.

Crinkle77 · 15/04/2016 13:58

Your thread had me chuckling cos that is what my partner calls me and I call him piggy. They are just silly jokey names for each other and I don't mind it at all. Just start calling him something insulting back.

nauticant · 15/04/2016 14:33

Just start calling him something insulting back.

This is not a good idea. If she does this it gives him the freedom to call her names she finds insulting and requires her to call him insulting names when she doesn't want to.

Topseyt · 15/04/2016 14:40

This is exactly how abuse starts

That is rather an assumption. Maybe it does in a number of cases. Not in all though as many on this thread have also demonstrated.

We (DH and I) have names for each other that others might find extremely rude and disrespectful. Context, tone of voice and manner of speaking are everything. We have had our ups and downs but we are not abusive and have been married for 23 years. Together a lot longer than that.

mum2mum99 · 15/04/2016 15:27

Yes emotional abuse does often start this way. You would know if you had done the freedom program. But it is not necessarily the case.

I was only joking, can you not take a joke and why are you being so difficult, you didnt react last time, so why now?
Just wondering with this one. Does he just ignore how you are feeling? You are entitled to your feelings. And also he is blaming you, you are being told you are 'difficult' just for expressing the way you feel.
So I am not liking the sound of this particular incident.

MistressDeeCee · 16/04/2016 01:06

Someone calls you a name you don't like. Several times. When you say you don't like it rather than them simply say oh sorry I didn't mean it that way..won't do it again..you get THE LECTURE. Upbraiding you for taking offence (doesn't matter if you didn't like being called a certain name - its not your remit to have feelings that differ from theirs about it), justifying why they called you that name, and ending with you firmly put in your place for "over-reacting" because, quite simply, they have afforded themself the right to choose and control your reaction.

"You are over-reacting" is part of The Script. Abuse is always verbal initially

He may or may not be a potential abuser, as insensitive as he is. But the "don't be silly" attitude towards OP here and there in thread is not on. Don't teach women to ignore possible signs of future problems

Those who say "oh me & DP call each other silly names all the time". Thats not akin to this situation. If you call your DP a name and s/he doesn't like it, and tells you, Id like to think you would stop. & not feel an urge to justify to the person feeling upset, your stance on calling them that name and how much they are "over-reacting".

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