Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Injunction for emotional abuse?

36 replies

unwanted · 09/01/2007 11:53

Has anyone had one? I am going to see a solicitor tomorrow as an alternative to going into a refuge, but so far there has been no physical abuse, only emotional towards me and the children. How likely am I to be granted one to remove him from the house? I've had to call the police twice to him, social services are involved and our health is suffering.
Any experiences anyone?

OP posts:
giddy1 · 09/01/2007 12:02

Message deleted

mummydear · 09/01/2007 12:04

Found this link if thats any help

womens aid

Is it worth while apeaking to Womens Aid for more guidnace on the issue if you haven't done already ?

Good luck

Squiddley · 09/01/2007 14:43

No advice just loads of hugs and good thoughts going your way.

A good book to read regarding emotional abuse and I have read and reccomended to many people who have found very good :- Inside the minds of angry & contolling men by Lundy Bancroft - Amazon £7.09. Describes why he does this and is proably one of the best books on the subject. It may not get you an injuction but it does make you feel more sane and your head is not as fuzzy.

He also has one on how this affect the children but I cannot think of what thats called also amazon same price.

Good luck

Original poster
unwanted · 09/01/2007 19:02

I have that book! LOL, after someone else on here advising me to get it!
I went to the dr today as I was feeling like I was cracking under the strain. She said I am not depressed, but showing signs of extreme anxiety and panic. She is happy to add weight to the injunction thing, as is the social worker. I also spoke to womensaid today and she said that because of the ffect on mine and the kids health I stand a good cahnce of getting it.

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 09/01/2007 19:08

i admire your strength in sorting this out

i cant.dont have strength. hope you will be ok

messyoldmess · 09/01/2007 19:11

Hate to say this, but from my experience, you are not very likely to get him removed from the house unless there has been proof of physical violence. Not sure if your case may be different because the police were involved though.
Sorry I can't be of more help & so so sorry you are going through this.x

mummydear · 10/01/2007 09:43

Good luck today , let us know how you get on .

Original poster
unwanted · 10/01/2007 10:52

Hi. I spoke to women's aid yesterday who initially said that it's pretty hard to get an injunction against someone for 'only' emotional abuse. BUT...when I told her some of the things, and the effect on the kids, she said that I could well have a strong case, and also because he poured beer over my head it shows it is heading towards physical anyway. Also it could be argued that some of the things ARE physical (making DD1 scrub the floors with bleach - or making DS wear socks on his hands all day for sucking his thumb).
My only worry is that if this fails, and I am not awarded an injunction, it will spiral out of control as he will not only be furious with me for taking action, but also superior because he will 'have the law on his side' as he sees it.
I've just typed up a list of incidents and effects on me and the children, and it runs to 5 pages!!! My appt is at 2 o clock, so I will let you know how it goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
unwanted · 10/01/2007 10:56

Scorpio...you DO find the strength, believe me. I am the world's biggest coward, I'll do anything for a quiet life and the thought of this all scares the out of me. But there are people to support you, and see you through it. I just kept looking at my life 5 years from now and feeling a massive sense of panic. I know I can't allow myself or the kids to live like this any more. I can't let my girls grow up accepting abuse as normal, or my son to grow up thinking it's ok to abuse. H was abused by his step father, and his mother allowed it to continue, so he is now doing the same. I have to break the chain.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 10/01/2007 11:00

Unwanted, I really hope things work out for you. Well done for taking strong, positive steps, you are being very brave and your children will thank you for it.

Pinkchampagne · 10/01/2007 16:16

All the best today, unwanted. You are being so brave.

zookeeper · 10/01/2007 16:55

unwanted, I do family law and domesic violence doesn't have to be physical - if you and the kids are suffering then you have a case. There is no legal definition of domestic violence.

I have to run but I you really hope that you get the help you need - fingers crossed.

Pinkchampagne · 10/01/2007 22:34

How did you get on, unwanted?

Original poster
unwanted · 11/01/2007 07:44

sigh...it seems that I am unable to apply for an emergency injunction as he hasn't beaten me! I could apply for an occupation order but that will take time, and he will know about it in the meantime so that means me and the children living with him while he knows about it. Then there's a good chance the judge will not grant it anyway.
Also, depitwe the fact that I have no income now and on the financial sie I qualify for legal aid, it appears I may not get it as I 'have been in no hurry to get him out'...i.e I didn't do it when the police got him out in December. The legal aid commission may look at the appliation and say 'well it can't be that bad or she would have done it sooner'!
So I have a choice...stay here and front him out when he finds out I have applied for an occupation order, or flee to a refuge and then hope they grant the injunction to get him out in the meantime so we can return to the house.
The system in this country is absolute pants.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 11/01/2007 11:13

oh dear unwanted, I don't know the full details but if you were my client I would apply for legal aid and say that the fact that you had to get police involvement in December just shows how bad things are and how difficult it is proving to extricate yourself from this person, which is common to most victims of domestic violence, who will have put up with this sort of bad treatment for years, especially where children are involved. It's not easy to simply up and go at the first sign of trouble. I would also argue that at least one woman dies a week in the UK at the hands of her partner and that your situation should be taken seriously.

Emergency applications are rare because understandably the courts are reluctant to boot someone out of their home without a fair hearing but once I had legal aid I would make an application for an occupation order in the normal way, which would mean that he would have to get notice of what you are doing. Most men leave at this stage but in any case I would always advise you to leave home (not easy with kids I know but as a temporary solution)before he gets the notice so you are not around to have to face his anger. Where I am, hearings normally take place about a week after the notice is served and if you and the kids are camped out at a friend's spare bedroom when the hearing takes place whilst he is alone in the family home then this would help your case.

If you are married, start divorce proceedings.

One of the problems that solicitors face is that a lot of women demand injunctions after arguing with their partners and then reconcile and so in my experience the judges seem to take these cases less seriously. If you are armed with reports from your health visitor, doctor, social services etc etc to say that you and the kids are suffering and have made positive steps to separate by moving out and starting divorce proceedings then on the face of it you should get legal aid and the order you want.

I really feel for you - try another solicitor? And please change your name as I bet you are worth more than it suggests.

mumblechum · 11/01/2007 11:22

Just to back up Zookeeper's sensible advice, I know it's been hard for you to even get to the stage of seeing a solicitor, please don't let this setback stop you.

As Zookeeper says, you should still apply for an occupation order, coupled possibly with an emergency application for a non molestation injunction.

If you don't have confidence in the solicitor you saw recently, try another one. Which area are you in? Either Zookeeper or myself may be able to recommend someone.

HandyTrinkett · 11/01/2007 11:49

to add to Mumblechum - my wife might also be able to recommend someone. Assuming that neither mumblechum nor zookeeper are my wife - she's just joined mn and I'm not sure if she's got as far as a nickname.

I asked her about this thread last night and she's firmly in agreement with zookeeper..

Original poster
unwanted · 11/01/2007 13:05

Hi. And thanks for the advice.
Zookeeper...in a nutshell, this has been going on for 4 years, since we got married. H is a very controlling cruel person with massive issues of his own. Both his children from his 1st marriage are messed up, both on drugs and drink (still in their teens) which his ex wife puts down to the abuse they suffered at his hands. This was transferred to mine when we got married. Things include making DD1 scrub the floors and toilets with bleach aged 7, son being threatened with his hands being rubbed in dog s**t for sucking his thumb, being called effing faggot, gay, homo, pig, lazy...you're no good, nothing, nobody etc...locking DD1 in her bedroom for 24 hours when she was 8 after removing every scrap of toys/books/tv etc. He NEVER holds a conversation with the children unless it's to put them down. If we are shopping and one of the kids happens to walk in front of him he will ram the trolley into their legs deliberately...I've been forced to give up my business as he cannot be with the kids, DD1 ran away from home a few weeks ago due to him manhandling her down the stairs...it's on a daily basis and is getting worse. The name unwanted comes from my original thread because we have not had sex for 3 and a quarter years...since the night DD2 was conceived in fact and she is now 2 and a half. He literally stopped coming near me from that night. When in Gibraltar on holiday I was miscarrying, and bleeding heavily. he made me climb the rock of Gibraltar in searing heat despite how ill I was, and then when I said needed to go home as I was losing the baby he drove me to the airport, dropped my stuff on the path and drove off, leaving me to fly home alone. I ended up having emergency surgery and 2 blood transfusions.
He has serious mental health problems...has made several threats of suicide (once because the children would not order from room service in a hotel), and was in a psychiatric hospital for 3 months.
I can imagine that many women try this injunction out of spite, as you say, but I have documented evidence of police, military police, midwives, welfare officers, social services, doctors...but it really feels like time and time again I am banging my head against a brick wall.
I am in Suffolk by the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
unwanted · 11/01/2007 13:12

Mumblechum...yes it has been hard for me to get this far. You've been following this from the start haven't you?
The solicitor did agree with me, and was very nice...I was a complete airhead in there though...couldn't remember my children's middle names, or dates of birth or anything! Unfortunately he is going on holiday next week for 2 weeks, so it seems this is going to happen in fits and starts. He is applying for legal aid anyway, and then depending on whether I am granted it or not we will decide where to go from there. What I do know is that there is no going back.
He said that if we go down the occupation order route it would be best to move out, into a refuge maybe, until the order has been served. Until we know whether I can get legal aid or not though, I am in limbo.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 11/01/2007 13:14

this sounds awful,Unwanted. I am sure you will get legal aid on those facts. He sounds unstable.

Can you print out this and take it to another solicitor? I don't know Suffolk. Try any family specialist. If his ex would be prepared to give a statement then that would help your case too.

I'll be back again but I really must go now

mumblechum · 11/01/2007 13:15

Have you reported this to social services? sorry if I'vr missed this, haven't read the whole thread. Sounds like the kids should be on the at risk register, and social services may put pressure on him to get out. I'd be careful, tho', you don't want them applying for an emergency protection order & taking them away.

Where are you?

Handytrinket, if you're my husband, can you remember to pick up the drycleaning. xx

OnlyWayIsUP · 11/01/2007 13:21

There...a name change! It's me with a more positive name!
His ex was helping me...she said she would be prepared to give a statement etc BUT...she suddenly got the idea it was him texting/e mailing her instead of me, and phoned his mother and told her everything I had told her. His mother then rang him, and that's when the absolute cold, steely hatred and silence set in. He hates his ex with a vengeance. I think he may have been contacting her and threatening her so she won't take my calls anymore.

OnlyWayIsUP · 11/01/2007 13:26

Mumblechum..social services ARE involved. I had to call the police on Dec 1st, and they contacted SS. They were going to convene a child protection case conference but decided to speak to him first. He, after ignoring them for a week, went to see them, and obviously told them what they wanted to hear..one example was 'I'd do anything for those kids' so although they have said there are issues they have now 'downgraded it' and it's not a child protection case and they won't put them on the 'at risk' register. They know I want out, and that I am trying to leave. They offered him help, as in working with him and someone from the family centre, and he agreed to them, then came home and said 'well as there are no child protection issues I can tell them to stick it'...but to all intents and purposes he is complying with them. The solicitor told me that as I have said the marriage is over, and I'm not going to accept this work with the social services, that will be frowned upon by the legal aid people who will say I need to try that avenue first! I don't want to work with him, I don't want to bhe with him...I just want out!

lupo · 11/01/2007 14:57

Blimey, how can you let your children stay in this house and let them be treated like this, is there anyone else they can stay with - your parents etc, or go to a refuge until you can get sorted, I know you are in a very difficult situation but please get out asap if not for yourself then for your kids

OnlyWayIsUP · 11/01/2007 16:52

Lupo...now why didn't I think of that????? Do you not think I would have got them to my parent's house if that was possible? Or anywhere else for that matter? If you read the whole thread you will see that I AM going to a refuge. I take it you have never been in a domestic violence situation?