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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband is lying

56 replies

blueberry04 · 14/04/2016 14:15

I really can't talk about this to people in RL my head is all over the place.

My DH is lying to me about money. We are in the process of buying our first house, he has no money to put into it and has not tried to save anything. I went for the mortgage and we had to say what debts we had. I don't have any I'm very careful and save so I have the full deposit. He has been to uni so has the usual student debt so I told all of this to the mortgage advisor. Once we had credit checks done they said that we hadn't disclosed another overdraft he had and another credit card. They are not for massive amounts.

I told him straight away and he lied to my face said he didn't know anything about them and they must have got it wrong. A few weeks later I opened some post from the bank and there in black and white was the secret overdraft. I didn't say I had seen it but asked again and he again said he didn't know but would call the bank when I mentioned fraud. He told me he called them and it was an overdraft from years ago and there was £60 odd pound outstanding and he paid it off.

At the weekend he had a letter from a bank and he told me he looked at a loan but they couldn't do anything to better what he had. Today another letter so I opened it and it says he has a new loan with them and paid into his account!

I've decided to go forward with buying the house in just my name everything is approved and I can afford it.

I don't know what to do we have a 1 year old and it breaks my heart to think of splitting up our family. We do get on well, we don't argue but I do resent a lot as I paid our wedding in full, pay more a month towards bills and went back to work full time after 3 months of giving birth.

I don't get the lying I always try to help him out I don't judge, I understand debt my family have been in awful situations so I don't understand this and can't work out why as we don't have expensive cars, holidays, clothes etc

What would you do? X

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 14/04/2016 20:45

Cocklodger with a possible gambling habit LTB op

He's taking you for a mug your keeping him in the life of Riley

Original poster

blueberry04 · 14/04/2016 20:50

I'm honestly not controlling at all. I'm if anything to relaxed/a mug I saved £20k for our wedding and I didn't complain about him going to football etc (I know I've bought a lot on myself)

I'm understanding my family got in a lot of debt and I helped them out I understand people make mistakes and it can get out of control easy. I have never been angry about his debt he went to uni to get his job and I'm proud of that.

I've been in an abusive relationship so I am terrified of arguments it doesn't help and I keep things bottled up.

It's lying I can't cope with I would do anything to help anyone.

OP posts:

mix56 · 14/04/2016 21:18

So you have a history of choosing the wrong partner;
Sorry. I think you need to give him ONE chance to tell the truth. Find a suitable moment & tell him "now is the time to come clean, or its done".
If he doesn't, then he can leave. You cannot throw everything you work for away because you think you are breaking up a family.
It is him, & him alone, who is doing that on his own.

Friendlystories · 14/04/2016 21:19

I don't think you come across as controlling at all OP, opening your DH's mail is the only thing in your posts which could possibly be seen that way but he had already lied and given you reason to need to know what was happening so you could protect yourself when you did that so it's self preservation not control in those circumstances. I still think you need to get everything out in the open, I don't see how you can decide where you go from here until you do. I agree with a PP, ask him to do a credit report with you, he shouldn't be hiding things from you and especially not if you're intending buying a house, you'll know the full extent of the problem then and can figure out what you do next, we will help you

Gazelda · 14/04/2016 21:25

Tell him what you have discovered. Not in a accusatory tone, but tell him you need to have full honesty from him and that now is the time for full disclosure. Be honest with him that his lies have made you seriously question your marriage, and have 100% put the house buying on hold.
Tell him this is his one chance to come clean. If he does so, you will support him and work out how to address it as a couple. BUt if he can't be honest, then the relationship is without trust and will fail.

Original poster

blueberry04 · 14/04/2016 21:27

Thanks again for your kind and helpful advice.

My head is spinning and I think one last chance to come clean is my last hope. If nothing then I know I can't carry on however much it hurts.

I know I shouldn't have opened the post but I was desperate and I had to know the truth and that was the only way

OP posts:

DontMindMe1 · 14/04/2016 22:40

i'd be opening all his post and going through all his stuff to find out for myself who he really is underneath the facade he puts on. i wouldn't trust him to be totally honest with me, they usually are only honest enough to trick you into believing them and then later on down the line you discover another betrayal.

he's been keeping secrets the whole time you've known him. he's didn't make any effort contributing to your wedding and he's made none with the potential house......yet he stands to get a good slice of the marital assets if you divorce - and you stand to inherit his debts AND lose some of your savings.

DontMindMe1 · 14/04/2016 22:43

He's so pushy to get a house I'm a lot more relaxed about renting and waiting for the right house

i bet he is! Funny how he didn't think of saving his money for the house he wants so badly.....

even the new loan he's denying isn't going to go towards his share of the deposit.

Guiltypleasures001 · 14/04/2016 23:08

I open the post in our house unless it's for my son who's old enough to have his now, I do it so that it gets dealt with quickly. My dh would forget and out it away somewhere safe, if you've nothing to hide then I don't see a problem if all are in agreement.

I think you've just picked a different type of abuser op, you are also in the fortunate position of knowing what's going to happen should you sink anymore money and buy a house.

He's riding on your coat tails these types suck thief blood out of you, stash your money under a parents name and get rid of him.

tipsytrifle · 14/04/2016 23:18

Sadly , I think you're being taken for a ride. Given that you have a youngster It seems to me that you and child are priority and quite frankly he's in this relationship for other reasons than could be declared. I'm sure it doesn't seem malicious but in every way, he's closed you in, cornered you.

I would be cancelling the house purchase and any further financial entanglement as there's enough to sort out already without giving him half/third or any of the new house. No doubt he's confident in his lies and knows you won't relish confrontation or recognising that, almost without trying, he's being financially abusive.

tipsytrifle · 14/04/2016 23:21

I would also consider ending the relationship but then, I'm a million years old and finally learned from experience

CalleighDoodle · 14/04/2016 23:45

I too would end it now. Ive been in this relationship op. he would constantly lie about the debt / pay day loans / pawning things, actually lying about everything. Lies just fell out of his mouth. From whether he jad fed the cat to whether he had paid the mortgage. He was typical passive aggressive. He would never admit the truth. Only if i had in my hands irrefutable evidence would he ever admit anything. Then he did the seemingly common response of saying he was depressed, then lied aBout going to counselling. Liars lie.

Aspergallus · 14/04/2016 23:51

He's gambling. Honestly, the behaviour, the lying...it's classic. I wouldn't buy a home yet until you have a clearer idea of what's going on and a plan to protect yourself.

Frizzbeol · 15/04/2016 02:25

My advice to you would be to cut your losses and run OP. I am speaking from painful experience unfortunately. As long as he can get away with it he will carry on. He knows you are responsible and trustworthy - the adult in the relationship - leaving him free to take no responsibility for anything. Lying is a way of life for some people and you will be living in doubt and escalating resentment. Before you know it years will go by and you will be no better off than when you started. End it now.

mix56 · 15/04/2016 08:25

Be warned, he will instantly fly at you with your breach of privacy accusations. You hold your hand up & say. This isn't about opening post, this about a serial liar. This is about whether I buy & house, & whether my marriage that I thought you wanted too, is over ......
NO shouting, getting put off track by his lying & accusations

mix56 · 15/04/2016 08:27

Is it possible legally to get him to sign a document saying he accepts no claim to the house ? I assume it must be possible

Original poster

blueberry04 · 15/04/2016 08:35

Mix56 I was thinking the same thing.. I really need to think carefully about this as id rather if j has to lose anything some of the deposit than half the value of a house.

When I have bought it up before it hasn't gone down well he knows he can shout and I don't cope well with that so let things go!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 15/04/2016 08:51

OP, you are in another abusive relationship if he is lying, spending money he doesn't have and shouting at you when you object.

You will still be able to see your baby every day if you do split up. I doubt very much he's going to want to have the baby for long periods of time.

peggyundercrackers · 15/04/2016 08:54

Even if he signed something to say he doesn't have an interest in the house it would be unusual for a court to pay attention to it.

Why not just show him the letters you have opened and confront him? I don't understand why you would still be hiding the fact you know. Behind cares if you open his post - what matters is he is telling lies about his financial situation.

Fwiw I don't believe you would be liable for his debts because they are in his name only on his cards and accounts and only signed for by him.

With regards the house being in your name only but it being a family home I would be worried he would try and secure debt against your house. Surely the debt he has now is unsecured debt?

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/04/2016 09:23

I think your wasting your time trying to analyse why where's and who's

I wouldn't give him any more heads up or indications your wavering, he will sabotage your every move he's always gonna be a few steps ahead of you, it's grow his brain works if he's desperate he may well get nasty and up his game.

Your best bet is to just leave and deal with him through an intermediary, otherwise hell talk you around every time, your nice character makes you weak against his type

nauticant · 16/04/2016 07:48

OP, you seem to be saying that you saved up and paid for the wedding and then you saved up so that a house could be bought. Meanwhile your H has been secretly getting into debt. Is it right that the saving so far has been down to you?

In your shoes, I'd do my checking now to find out his financial position and with that in hand, but not revealing that hand, I'd tell him that I want full disclosure and I expect to sit down with him in a day or two to get it. After that chat I'd compare his version with what I'd learned.

AyeAmarok · 16/04/2016 08:16

OP what's his job and do you know how much he earns?

leelu66 · 16/04/2016 08:42

Just out of curiosity, if OP gave her deposit money as a 'gift' to her mum, would her husband still be entitled to a share of it? The husband appears to work and they haven't been married that long (I'm guessing) as their DD is 1.

mix56 · 16/04/2016 08:54

If he is in it for the money, he could say that she had "gifted it " to hide it. & probably a judge would believe him, unless her mum had bought a new car !
To be honest, be careful who you "give" it to they may just go off on a fabulous holiday.
Alternatively, she could put it in a tin in a safe place & say she'd gambled it away!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/04/2016 15:22

It's not true that his debts become hers on marriage. UNLESS the loans and credit-cards are in both names. The savings are a much trickier issue as they were acquired during the marriage.

In the OP's position I'd be prepared to sacrifice half of my savings now to get rid of him rather than risk having to sell a property later. Once bought you could find yourself in an impossible situation. He half-owns it and you wouldn't be able to get him out without his agreement even if you wanted to.

OP: I fear what you have discovered may just be the tip of the iceberg. You can save, he can spend. That's no way to live, and that's not taking into account his lack of candour (understatement) about the borrowing.

He's a lying liar. Protect yourself and your child's future, and get shot of him asap before he drags you down with him.

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