In need of a clear-headed view please - AIBU?? (long, sorry)

[Brokenhearted45]

Hi,
I'm brand new here and have spent the last few sleepless nights trawling dozens of threads to see if I'm alone in what I'm experiencing and sadly it appears I'm not.
To cut a very long story short I've been married to DH for 14 years (together 21), we have one gorgeous DD (8), a lovely home, good jobs and a nice lifestyle. However, it seems none of this is enough for DH. Whether he is actually depressed in the true sense or just a miserable bastard I haven't quite worked out yet but either way he is getting worse, refuses to seek help or even speak to anyone about it. It seems to stem from him hating his job (I wouldn't dare tell you what he does for a living as it makes his behaviour seem all the more ridiculous). I try to be sympathetic and offer assistance as best I can but there is a limit to what I can do as I'm not his employee and have no input in his firm (he's self-employed). This misery for him has been going on for a few years and he has his good days and when he's happy he really is brilliant. He really wants for nothing and I try to tell him that he is actually very fortunate and most people would cut off their right leg to have what he has but his glass is permanently half empty and I don't think he'd ever be truly happy.
Things have been coming to a head in the last 2 years or so and his temper is getting ever shorter, he's getting angrier easier (the slightest thing can set him off), I tend to get the brunt of if but DD hasn't escaped it sadly (he blamed her for breaking the new TV - she hadn't, it was a software issue and replaced within a week and even if she had that was no way to speak to her) but she went to bed in floods of tears and he had to buy her a present (his idea, not mine) as an apology when he calmed down next day. Damage done though.... In recent months his attitude towards me has deteriorated dramatically.
An example of his worst behaviour happened last week; I got the usual text that he was having a bad day so my stomach instantly hit the floor, when I got home with DD he was already home and upstairs in bed (6.30pm), I tried to talk to him but he ignored me completely (a regular occurrence, sometimes for a couple of days interspersed with nasty texts), and when DD went to say goodnight to him (after I did bathtime etc as usual) she said he was asleep and it certainly looked to me like he was. I went downstairs and sat down, he came down within minutes and asked where his tea was. I explained that I hadn't made anything because he'd been asleep and as he'd ignored me I knew that had I made something, such was his past record, he'd have told me that he didn't want it and accuse me of wasting food. He went mental and called me a fucking sackless cunt. Not for the first time. This was red rag to a bull as everything was so unjustified and I hate that word and he knows it. We rowed for a little while, I told him I was done, that he was an emotional abuser, he laughed and asked if I'd been on course or something. He told me I "had one job", i.e. to make his tea, and I couldn't even do that right. I work full time, make decent money and still he doesn't regard me as his equal. He threatened to throw a glass of water over me and I told him that constitutes abuse and he did back off. I went upstairs for the rest of the evening and he ordered a pizza and it was all my fault that he was having to eat an unhealthy meal. ALL my fault. ALL of it. Next day was all texts from him telling me he was going to spend the weekend seeking alternative accommodation (which he didn't and I knew he wouldn't) and that he would tell our DD why she would lose her house (again all MY fault). I told him he had to do what he had to do but that I wasn't moving out (the house and all our savings - although technically jointly owned - are in my name). He then changed tack and told me he was going to end it all and that this was best for everyone and to tell DD how much he loves her. Again, not the first time he's threatened suicide. I have in the past hidden sharp knives etc from him in the middle of the night while he loses it and makes these threats, but now I'm at the stage of wanting to say "crack on" because I know he won't do it but I'm not that callous.
This is one snapshot but there's SO much more; he's accused me of wanting affairs with various tradesmen we've had in recently, I can't do anything right most of the time, I do or say the wrong thing and he's off on one, I live on eggshells as his mood can change at the drop of a hat and there's a limit to how much I can shield DD from it - she notices his mood changes because he disengages from her too. I'm not perfect but surely I don't deserve this. Is it EA or am I over-reacting? I do love him and I know deep down he loves me (he sent me a message to that effect on Saturday night, the closest thing I will get to an apology). Can I have an unbiased view please, now matter how unpalatable?
Thank you for reading if you got this far!

Broken, don't beat yourself up about it. There are numberless intelligent strong women who discover that bit by bit they have fallen into the trap of EA.
Trying to work things out, & make the family unit harmonious is what most women do. walking on eggshells is all about trying to keep harmony, & pacifying becomes the norm.
You are so lucky that you are married, have your name on everything & both good earners. get your lovely DD away from all this misery asap.

oh just to clarify, I hid the knives to stop him hurting himself, not me or DD but I can see how that might have escalated. What a bloody mess.

Stop enabling his crap of doing himself in, you know he won't, it's just another form of controlling you, leave the knives where they are, he's all hot air to keep you on your toes, vile man.

I too have been where you are.....it becomes so much clearer when you are out...and so much easier.

My advice:
Make contact with WA and get legal advice (don't let on what you are doing, not even to "scare" him into behaving or having a Damascus road awakening...he won;t and you will be in more danger/a worse position)
Put important documents somewhere safe, preferably out of the house, preferably with someone else...you don't need the hassle of new passports/birth certs tax returns etc if he decides to burn/destroy/hold them to ransom.
Plan a day to tell him, remove DD from the vicinity for the day
Invite a friend to be with you, preferably male, mutual friend and reasonable person.
Sit him down, tell him you are ending it and why....let his response wash over you, don;t be drawn into a long discussion, let him have his say but keep your responses brief and non negotiable...remember he knows how to push your buttons. Expect tears, promises, threats, accusations and all the rest.
Give him your reasons in a letter...he will reinvent the discussion, make you doubt yourself etc...this way he can never use the line that he does n't understand why you ended it.
Tell him to go , give him an amount of time supervised by friend to pack up his immediate needs, get friend to phone you when he has left.
Use additional security on doors/windows whether you are in or out (eg bolting the doors and leaving through back door if he doesn't have that key.
I changed the locks: this is illegal and technically he is allowed to break in if it is a joint family home.

Enjoy some freedom before you have to sort out legal aspects of child arrangements (emotional and tricky) and finances (much less emotional, still tricky)

Don't do joint counselling with him, try to avoid mediation

Good luck

PS He is much worse than you realise or believe...just saying because we usually think the opposite but statistically you will be minimising not magnifying his behaviour.

Broken, firstly.

1. You need to double check your phone, & computer, change all your log ins, dismantle any iCloud & "find my phone" app. Check them for Spyware & Keylogging & make sure your History is cleared. because as SOON as he gets wind of your rebellion things will get nasty. you need to get organised quietly before any major confrontation.
2. You need to open a new private bank account into which you put any savings & income that is yours. (with on line statements), & obviously completely new PIN.
3. You need to get hold of copies of income, tax return, all mortgage, loans, pension plan. A record of all finances. before things get hidden or disappear.
4. You need to get any important documents OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. to trusted family member or friend. Birth cert, passports for you & your DD. Do not underestimate the wrath that may ensue when he receives Divorce papers, or announcement that you are ending the marriage. In ANY event, if he gets violent, agressive or threatening, you must contact the Police without delay.

Thanks everyone, I have the clarity now (I think I probably had it before but just needed to make sure I wasn't going mad), now comes the hard part. I feel quite strong at the moment as I have the benefit of distance being at work but who knows what this evening will bring as I have no idea what mood he will be in. Driving home some nights I can feel the stress levels rising.
I will make some enquiries with WA etc & see what they come back with. He has tried in his own way to isolate me from my family by telling me how much he hates them, which makes it uncomfortable when they are down and hence I don't see them as much as I should. They may have had their shortcomings as parents in the past but I'm sure they'll be there for me if I need them as will my BF.

another EA classic, isolating you from family & friends.

Get your ducks in a row legally op.
If the joint account has money empty half (at least), make sure some one is with you or around when you tell him to go.
Copy all important documents, anything of sentiment move to a friends or relatives house.
Get legal advice.

Fool and Mix - I was concerned before but now I'm seriously terrified - can things really escalate that far, on the basis of what I've told you?

Good luck OP. Hope you and your poor DD get out quickly.

Broken you really, really need to get this man out of both of your lives. He sounds utterly vile.
His problems are not yours to shoulder.
"You had one job" ?!? How fucking dare he when you are working full time and raising a child as well. Since when did you become his skivvy?
You will never win with a man like this and he will wear the pair of you down. I'm not one for LTB but your post absolutely chilled me.

Sky - sorry to be dense but as I'm new I don't know all of the abbreviations - what does LTB mean please?

Sorry Broken. Don't Panic !
Emotionally Abusive men are manipulative. its part of the DNA.
by making sure he can't snoop on your phone & computer you can have Privacy, in your conversations, with family, Solicitor, fb, & your posting here

The fact that he will know he is losing control over you, will send him into a series of remorse, begging, crying, threats, accusations of lover, promises to change & many other sob stories, (intermittent with anger, & threats.) It is the CYCLE OF EA.
it is temporary.
EA do not change, counselling is unlikely to change anything inspite of him promising.
Counselling is not advised in a EA couple as they lie & manipulate (QED)

LTB = Leave the Bastard !

Mix - thank you - LTB now makes sense. I feel better for putting it out there but also worse if that makes sense?

Take your time, don't precipitate anything.
With the information you are getting you can surely his behaviour & analyse it better.
Try doing the Freedom Programme, you can do it on line if there isn't a group near you.

survey !

Fucking hell. Be assured- if you aren't already- that what you describe is AWFUL 😟

LTB.

Mix - I am going to get out as soon as I can but on my terms and my timing - as Fishface said I need to get my ducks in a row first and I need to be in control if I'm going to do this. If he's as manipulative and dangerous as everyone thinks I can't leave anything to chance. I do think he's a coward and wouldn't do anything violent as he's essentially a spoiled man-child but I suppose there's no harm in being prepared.

Ok here's the thing. He might be depressed or bipolar or an alien. But it's his issue to deal with not yours. Don't own problems that aren't yours.

Tell people IRL what's going on so they don't believe the guff about you screwing the plumber.

Now you:
1a ask for solicitor recommendations
1b make a solicitors appointment
2 get all your financial info
3 get all your docs together and keep them at work

4 you decide what you do and do not want out of your divorce. What's the minimum you are prepared to walk away with and based on solicitors advice what's the maximum?

5 Find somewhere to rent if you want to accelerate the process and remove the power from him.

6 instruct your solicitor to start proceedings

7 tell the bank

Mix - I've just had a look at the graphic within Freedom Programme of Dominator and Mr Right. he ticks a lot of the boxes with the various traits in the Dominator section but there are parts of Mr Right that he also ticks. Is that normal? Does that not now muddy the waters and complicate matters because he does have his good points?

He always tells me I only ever remember the bad things and never the good times but tbh the bad times are overshadowing the good as there seem to be more of them and more frequently.

Being Mr Right does not mean he has his good points.
Quite the opposite.
Abusive men can have many of the different traits so don't read anything into that.
You are still looking for excuses for him.
There are NONE!
He's an abusive cock and you need to get away.
One step at a time.

Hells - point taken :-) thanks.
You've all been breathtakingly honest and it's been a real eye-opener. I can't thank you all enough. I know I will have RL support but it helps to know I can come here too. It's a godsend.

Please DON'T panic as you are more than capable of using your intelligence to counter anything your h does/says and of extricating yourself from your untenable marriage to this emotionally and verbally abusive man.

If he launches into a tirade against you call the police on 999 and say that you are afraid for the safety of yourself and your dd. When they arrive, give a brief history of his abusive behaviour and ask them to temporarily remove him from your home.

If he threatens to commit suicide call the police on 999 and say that you are afraid for his safety as he appears to be unhinged intent on doing himself harm. When they arrive... ditto to the second sentence of the above paragraph.

Underneath all of his bluff, bluster, and screaming like a stuck pig, is an abject coward who'll deflate like a burst balloon once he realises that you've got the measure of him and he's no longer able to call the shots but, as fool says, he'll try every trick in the well-thumbed book of cheap tactics and false promises to reel you back into his sick game.

Fwiw it wouldn't be at all callous to respond to any threat he makes to do away with himself by handing him a pre-filled box containing various means of achieving his aim, including a map of bridges he can jump from exhorting him to do it elsewhere as you don't see why you should bear the expense of removing unsightly stains and odours from the furnishings in your home.

Find your nearest Women's Aid service here www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ Make contact with them as soon as you can and discuss the possibility of obtaining an occupation order which will require your h to leave the marital home and a non-molestation order which will prohibit him from coming within a specified distance of you/your home and your dd if you fear she is at risk of him taking his anger out on her.

If you haven't done so already, invest in Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That' which is also available on Kindle and Pat Craven's 'Living With The Dominator' www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-Pat-Craven/dp/1477410597 which is the cornerstone of the Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Whether you love him or loathe him is immaterial as your overwhelming priority is to ensure that your dd doesn't grow up to believe that the way her f treats her dm is no more than she can expect from her intimate relationships and that being given, or giving, presents excuses unacceptable behaviour.

If I remember rightly if you tick one or more boxes you may be experiencing EA.
You are right though, they are NOT horrific all the time, which is why you've accepted it for 21 years !
often The behaviour gets considerably worse after having children.