In need of a clear-headed view please - AIBU?? (long, sorry)

[Brokenhearted45]

Hi,
I'm brand new here and have spent the last few sleepless nights trawling dozens of threads to see if I'm alone in what I'm experiencing and sadly it appears I'm not.
To cut a very long story short I've been married to DH for 14 years (together 21), we have one gorgeous DD (8), a lovely home, good jobs and a nice lifestyle. However, it seems none of this is enough for DH. Whether he is actually depressed in the true sense or just a miserable bastard I haven't quite worked out yet but either way he is getting worse, refuses to seek help or even speak to anyone about it. It seems to stem from him hating his job (I wouldn't dare tell you what he does for a living as it makes his behaviour seem all the more ridiculous). I try to be sympathetic and offer assistance as best I can but there is a limit to what I can do as I'm not his employee and have no input in his firm (he's self-employed). This misery for him has been going on for a few years and he has his good days and when he's happy he really is brilliant. He really wants for nothing and I try to tell him that he is actually very fortunate and most people would cut off their right leg to have what he has but his glass is permanently half empty and I don't think he'd ever be truly happy.
Things have been coming to a head in the last 2 years or so and his temper is getting ever shorter, he's getting angrier easier (the slightest thing can set him off), I tend to get the brunt of if but DD hasn't escaped it sadly (he blamed her for breaking the new TV - she hadn't, it was a software issue and replaced within a week and even if she had that was no way to speak to her) but she went to bed in floods of tears and he had to buy her a present (his idea, not mine) as an apology when he calmed down next day. Damage done though.... In recent months his attitude towards me has deteriorated dramatically.
An example of his worst behaviour happened last week; I got the usual text that he was having a bad day so my stomach instantly hit the floor, when I got home with DD he was already home and upstairs in bed (6.30pm), I tried to talk to him but he ignored me completely (a regular occurrence, sometimes for a couple of days interspersed with nasty texts), and when DD went to say goodnight to him (after I did bathtime etc as usual) she said he was asleep and it certainly looked to me like he was. I went downstairs and sat down, he came down within minutes and asked where his tea was. I explained that I hadn't made anything because he'd been asleep and as he'd ignored me I knew that had I made something, such was his past record, he'd have told me that he didn't want it and accuse me of wasting food. He went mental and called me a fucking sackless cunt. Not for the first time. This was red rag to a bull as everything was so unjustified and I hate that word and he knows it. We rowed for a little while, I told him I was done, that he was an emotional abuser, he laughed and asked if I'd been on course or something. He told me I "had one job", i.e. to make his tea, and I couldn't even do that right. I work full time, make decent money and still he doesn't regard me as his equal. He threatened to throw a glass of water over me and I told him that constitutes abuse and he did back off. I went upstairs for the rest of the evening and he ordered a pizza and it was all my fault that he was having to eat an unhealthy meal. ALL my fault. ALL of it. Next day was all texts from him telling me he was going to spend the weekend seeking alternative accommodation (which he didn't and I knew he wouldn't) and that he would tell our DD why she would lose her house (again all MY fault). I told him he had to do what he had to do but that I wasn't moving out (the house and all our savings - although technically jointly owned - are in my name). He then changed tack and told me he was going to end it all and that this was best for everyone and to tell DD how much he loves her. Again, not the first time he's threatened suicide. I have in the past hidden sharp knives etc from him in the middle of the night while he loses it and makes these threats, but now I'm at the stage of wanting to say "crack on" because I know he won't do it but I'm not that callous.
This is one snapshot but there's SO much more; he's accused me of wanting affairs with various tradesmen we've had in recently, I can't do anything right most of the time, I do or say the wrong thing and he's off on one, I live on eggshells as his mood can change at the drop of a hat and there's a limit to how much I can shield DD from it - she notices his mood changes because he disengages from her too. I'm not perfect but surely I don't deserve this. Is it EA or am I over-reacting? I do love him and I know deep down he loves me (he sent me a message to that effect on Saturday night, the closest thing I will get to an apology). Can I have an unbiased view please, now matter how unpalatable?
Thank you for reading if you got this far!

[OTheHugeManatee]

It sounds awful.

Was he always like this? If not, could he be depressed? It doesn't excuse his behaviour but might help to explain it.

[OTheHugeManatee]

If you've decided enough is enough, then plenty of people here will have good advice for getting out. If you think there is anything worth salvaging I'd give him an ultimatum: visit the GP and get help with his anger, mood swings and aggression or else pack his bags, because his behaviour is unacceptable.

[Brokenhearted45]

Wow Goddess, thank you so much (you made me laugh, too) - I'm definitely going to buy that book as it seems to come up on here regularly - will keep it at work though. He once threatened not to bring DD back when we were in the thick of one (he was out with her) & I threatened to call the police. Believe me, in his job the LAST thing he needs is them at the door or any potentially humiliating court proceedings.
I've spoken to my parents today (I'm getting NO work done ) and they will be with me no matter what so that's a relief.

[ElanoraHeights]

He always tells me I only ever remember the bad things and never the good times

I think there is a script that they follow because I used to get this thrown at me as well.

And everything was always my fault.

You start to question your own sanity in the end.

As I and others have said, you have a lot more clarity when you are out of the fog.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi Broken

Sorry your going through this

Seriously lovely you already know this is effecting your dd possibly leaving her traumatised, if it's that bad and I believe you get her out of this.

Don't allow him to fuck up,her childhood to the point she has to have counselling, yet alone you

[haveacupoftea]

He sounds horrible. Your DD is likely listening to you guys arguing constantly and is terrified btw. Tell him to get the fuck out for her sake if not yours.

[mumsunite]

It sounds to me like narcissistic personality disorder, rather than depression. A lack of empathy, sense of entitlement and importance. There are lots of books called exactly "walking on eggshells" about having a relationship with someone with a personality disorder. Read about npd on google and see what you are dealing with.

Get out. You are fooling yourself that he will ever change. That your love will save him. You want the good bits, but they are on a pattern of diminishing returns, especially now you have a child to think of and that you have seen through him.

Get out, but not dramatically in the middle of the night, when he can wail and cry and manipulate you. Calmly and business like and with a clear head about who you are dealing with. Its going to be really hard, but you need to re-gain yourself.

[springydaffs]

Good advice on here.

I hope when you've researched domestic abuse more closely you'll realise it has zero to do with intelligence, either way.

Do try to go along to a Freedom Programme group - where you'll meet ordinary women like yourself who are in the unenviable position of realising they are being abused.

yes, your husband shows all the key traits of an abuser.

Step at a time, darling. One foot in front of the other. You can do it - many of us have (when we never thought we could).

DON"T let him know what you're planning.

[buzzpop]

You mentioned in an earlier post about your instinct. Listen to your body , it is telling me you what people on here are telling you, his behaviour IS that bad.
Good luck, I have just come out of an relationship, though it was brief it was incredibly damaging. It is frightening when you get away and realise just how similar they all are in the ea cycle.
Thinking of you

[Brokenhearted45]

Good morning.
I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your support and good advice, no matter how hard it is to hear. Peace has broken out (for now) and I will take it while it lasts because it means I can start to make plans with a clear head and not when he's fucking with it and wrapping me in knots.
Yesterday was a real light-bulb moment for me because you all made me realise that I do have a choice, that I don't have to put up with this (and to be honest if it wasn't for DD and not knowing what was best for her I'd have left a long time ago).
One thing I didn't mention yesterday but which freaked me out at the time was that after the last massive row before last week's (and only a matter of weeks before, and that time I was a bitch, slag etc), once he had calmed down and peace had descended he came over to me, took my phone and deleted our entire text/what's app history from both our phones which he has never done before. When I got over the surprise/shock and asked him why he said "clean slate". Loosely translated as removing the evidence. So now, I send all of our messages to my work email and my BF for safe keeping in case he tries that again.
And, that same weekend, his parents, brother & SIL were in our house. He ordered me to do something I wasn't comfortable with and when I refused he went mental and lost it in front of them. Eventually I capitulated to keep the peace but the damage was done and they witnessed the lot - I've never seen them look so uncomfortable - and that was a sanitised version. After they had left it was MY fault because I hadn't followed simple instructions so now everyone hated him because I'd made him lose his temper....
Reading over our texts from last week again I realised that the moment he changed from moving out to topping himself was when I asked him how he would feel if he knew DD was being treated like that by a partner (imagining she is much older of course!). He didn't answer the question but that's when his 'plans' changed. Maybe he had a moment of clarity too & realised that it was unacceptable. Before you all throw your hands up in horror I do realise that any epiphany on his part will be short lived and it's only a matter of time before he reverts to type but I'd like to think something got through to him, if not for my sake then at least for hers. And maybe me calling him an emotional abuser made him sit up and think once the red mist faded..... And, on Saturday, DD & were out for much of the day - so he did all of the housework. His way of making amends, or so he thinks. I do it all of the time out of necessity but don't expect plaudits or brownie points.
Anyway, I feel so much stronger today (helped by a good night's sleep for the first time in days) and already know in my head what I will say to him next time he blows. In the meantime I am going to quietly get my ducks in a row, take advice and make plans. I won't alert him to what I'm doing but it means that when I'm ready I can tell him to fuck off and he won't know what's hit him.
xx

[mix56]

Excellent, don't be taken in by his "Hoovering" (sic)

[hellsbellsmelons]

Great update OP and a good plan of action.
I hope you get a few days before he blows up again so you can get your head straight.
Well done and keep going!

[foolonthehill]

well done.

You will be ok.
Keep on going.

[ElanoraHeights]

Well done for keeping so calm, Brokenhearted

Your story is so similar to mine. Everytime mine had a short lived nice phase, I kept hoping he would that way permanently but it never happened . He even went to see his GP and was referred to mental health services (I got my hopes up then) but he didn't change and all I did was waste more of my life thinking in vain that he would improve.

I'm pretty convinced that mine had BPD/NPD too and found a brilliant forum which supported me after the breakup (Psychopath Free, it's called and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery on Runboard). You'll find your story on there as told by many other women (those with NPD all have the same textbook, I think!).

Sometimes you do feel that you've got through to them but it never lasts sadly. They soon shift back to the way they were before.

I hope all stays calm for you for a while at least so that you can get yourself organised.

[Brokenhearted45]

Thanks ladies, it's sad though, I thought I knew him. I thought that I had married one of the nice guys who would love and respect me. Hey ho.
I hope at some point in the future when I'm out of this mess I will be able to come here and give something back to those in need of advice and be able to say that there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel.
My dad said to me yesterday that I used to be a strong, independent woman and he hoped that he hadn't squashed that out of me. He had, but she's woken up and is beginning to realise that this isn't acceptable.

[brandystrumpet]

HI Broken I am so sorry to hear of your story. I'm not sure what your DH's problems are but his biggest one is the way he treats you. This is an awful and totally unacceptable way to treat anyone, never mind your wife. He is clearly abusing your emotions with the up and down stuff, nasty then nice texts etc.

Oh and trust me, if someone tells you something is your fault all the time, no matter what it is, you start to believe they are right! Let's look at one of your simpler examples he ordered a pizza and it was all my fault that he was having to eat an unhealthy meal. This would only have been your fault if you had held a gun to his head and made him order it and then force fed it to him when it arrived. As I trust you didn't do that then it was NOT YOU FAULT. I'm sure he was capable of making a simple snack of something you had in eg beans on toast or whatever but he chose the unhealthy option.

Before you move forward I think need to get these two things straight in your head first:-

1. He is treating you like shit and it has to stop (somehow)'
   
2. Everything is not your fault, probably nothing.
   
   When you have convinced yourself of this think of the was forward, is calm communication with him an option?

[Rosyglow74]

I am still constantly amazed by the number of women who post here, initially asking "Is it me?", then continue to list a catalogue of behaviour that would have others running for their lives in a heartbeat. This just proves how the most intelligent, strong women can be made to seriously question themselves, by the sort of vile abuse you have been/are being subjected to.

The wonderful thing though is to then read, with reassurance from others with the same experience, the strength and fighting spirit slowly coming back. You are handling this perfectly now, and your innate strength will be what helps you to rid yourself of someone who is actually a very weak individual. You are also setting a very important example for your little girl. Don't look back now.

[Brokenhearted45]

Brandy - he will never take responsibility for his actions - I was upstairs keeping my head down when he ordered the pizza. He's quite capable of cooking for himself but why should he when I'm there to run around after him - he's an intrinsically spoiled, lazy man-child who's had me run around after him for years. Calm communication isn't possible with him, he goes in a huff, tells me I only ever remember the bad stuff, never the good stuff, and I must have a list. And once the huff starts it's up to me to smooth things over and retrieve the peace/apologise/fall on my sword otherwise I have at least 24hrs of hassle/silence/moodiness.

Rosy - I won't be downtrodden, and it he doesn't like it that's tough. I know the peace won't last and I'm not looking forward to his next outburst but I'm going to try very hard not to react and that will deflate his balloon very quickly. I will also tell him that if he's going to speak to me like that then I would like him to leave. I really can't believe I am in this position but now that I am I can see just how easy it is to fall into this trap/cycle

[TendonQueen]

I really hope you can get out or get him out ASAP. He sounds thoroughly nasty and you and your precious DD would be better off without him. I'm glad others in real life have started to see him for what he is.

[Mishaps]

He certainly sounds as though he is suffering from a mental health problem and he needs help. I know how difficult it is to get someone to seek the help that they need.

I do not think that you should stay and have your DD witnessing this stuff. Nor should she be in a house where knives have to be hidden.

Are there any family members who might be able to help you or to whom you could turn?

[crazycatdad]

It usually irks me if people are too quick to say LTB, but in this case you should definitely LTB ASAP. Sounds like a right nasty piece of work.

No sympathy for any problems he may have if he lacks the self awareness to seek help.