This is so hard for me to type, but I need somewhere to turn.
Last year my mum visited me for the first time in years. She lives thousands of miles away. We've not had an easy relationship due to a very difficult upbringing (that's another story in itself) and we struggle to get on, but I've tried since I had my DD so that she knows her grandma as much as you can from a distance.
3 days before she left, she blurted out that my father sexually assaulted her when I was 4, and that this then carried on for years. I can't go into detail, but it was horrific. I already knew he was a bad person, but I didn't realise he was worse than I already knew about.
She almost instantly said she shouldn't have said anything, that she'd never told anyone before, and that "it's ok, I just see it as something that happened a long time ago ." So why did she blurt it out? She then got upset that I was so upset and shocked, and insisted that I mustn't tell my siblings or anyone else. My immediate reaction was to say she needed a divorce (it has been a long time coming regardless) but she refused. And yes, that's her call, I know.
I've realised how heavy a burden this has been to carry. I can't really talk about it with my close friends (although I have a little) because it's too horrible. I don't want to talk to my siblings about it, but at the same time it is exhausting being the only person in my family who knows. I was seeing a private therapist at the time, and I did talk to her about it (the therapist's opinion was that it was deliberate to punish me for challenging her about certain things that happened when I was growing up, things that I needed answers for - and I was very calm and careful about it) but as it was so raw at the time, I didn't understand what impact it was having and I stopped seeing her last autumn.
I'm getting married in 2 months and I haven't invited my family because I can't cope with the idea of dealing with family stress with a visit from abroad, and I sure as hell don't want my father there - but he doesn't know that I know. My siblings will be hurt and angry and I can't explain it to them. I don't feel the joy that I think I should be feeling about my wedding day.
I've just realised in the past few days that I am not OK. It's left me depressed, it's gradually affected my work, finances, morale and my relationship, although my partner has done his absolute best to support me. I turned things around enough to land a decent job, thank goodness. But I am so unhappy.
I don't want to to take ADs for what I consider a situation beyond my control, yet it's affecting me all the time. I can't afford to go back to the therapist at the moment either and I'm in a new job which is a temporary contract, so I can't take time off even if I wanted to try the gamble that is therapy on the NHS, as they're daytime appointments.
I am hurting. I feel the conflict of feeling horrified and protective of my mother, yet she is also so difficult, irrational and her own worst enemy. She is subtly toxic and I have to keep my distance, yet I can't help but feel guilty now that I know this. She hasn't tried to contact me about it again though.
I feel ashamed that this is my family, and that he is an even worse human being than I knew. I feel cheated even further - I already was hurting from not having parents that love and protect you. I feel exhausted from having being put in this position, and being the carer yet again.
If anyone has been in a similar situation and can tell me how they coped when they hit rock bottom (and this is my second rock bottom, after escaping a long term EA relationship three years ago - in fact it's just about the 3 year anniversary of the day I had the courage to end it) or if you can just say something kind to help me get through this difficult time - thank you. 