Have hit rock bottom - mum dropped bombshell about my dad 10 months ago

[ohsotired15]

This is so hard for me to type, but I need somewhere to turn.

Last year my mum visited me for the first time in years. She lives thousands of miles away. We've not had an easy relationship due to a very difficult upbringing (that's another story in itself) and we struggle to get on, but I've tried since I had my DD so that she knows her grandma as much as you can from a distance.

3 days before she left, she blurted out that my father sexually assaulted her when I was 4, and that this then carried on for years. I can't go into detail, but it was horrific. I already knew he was a bad person, but I didn't realise he was worse than I already knew about.

She almost instantly said she shouldn't have said anything, that she'd never told anyone before, and that "it's ok, I just see it as something that happened a long time ago ." So why did she blurt it out? She then got upset that I was so upset and shocked, and insisted that I mustn't tell my siblings or anyone else. My immediate reaction was to say she needed a divorce (it has been a long time coming regardless) but she refused. And yes, that's her call, I know.

I've realised how heavy a burden this has been to carry. I can't really talk about it with my close friends (although I have a little) because it's too horrible. I don't want to talk to my siblings about it, but at the same time it is exhausting being the only person in my family who knows. I was seeing a private therapist at the time, and I did talk to her about it (the therapist's opinion was that it was deliberate to punish me for challenging her about certain things that happened when I was growing up, things that I needed answers for - and I was very calm and careful about it) but as it was so raw at the time, I didn't understand what impact it was having and I stopped seeing her last autumn.

I'm getting married in 2 months and I haven't invited my family because I can't cope with the idea of dealing with family stress with a visit from abroad, and I sure as hell don't want my father there - but he doesn't know that I know. My siblings will be hurt and angry and I can't explain it to them. I don't feel the joy that I think I should be feeling about my wedding day.

I've just realised in the past few days that I am not OK. It's left me depressed, it's gradually affected my work, finances, morale and my relationship, although my partner has done his absolute best to support me. I turned things around enough to land a decent job, thank goodness. But I am so unhappy.

I don't want to to take ADs for what I consider a situation beyond my control, yet it's affecting me all the time. I can't afford to go back to the therapist at the moment either and I'm in a new job which is a temporary contract, so I can't take time off even if I wanted to try the gamble that is therapy on the NHS, as they're daytime appointments.

I am hurting. I feel the conflict of feeling horrified and protective of my mother, yet she is also so difficult, irrational and her own worst enemy. She is subtly toxic and I have to keep my distance, yet I can't help but feel guilty now that I know this. She hasn't tried to contact me about it again though.

I feel ashamed that this is my family, and that he is an even worse human being than I knew. I feel cheated even further - I already was hurting from not having parents that love and protect you. I feel exhausted from having being put in this position, and being the carer yet again.

If anyone has been in a similar situation and can tell me how they coped when they hit rock bottom (and this is my second rock bottom, after escaping a long term EA relationship three years ago - in fact it's just about the 3 year anniversary of the day I had the courage to end it) or if you can just say something kind to help me get through this difficult time - thank you.

Your mother has absolutely NO right dumping this on you & telling you not to talk about it. It far to big a burden for you to carry on your own.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it.

It's helped me so much to be able to open up. The relief is quite something. I already feel like I have more of a plan about a few aspects of it all which is a major step forward.

It really helps to hear that this is too much to take on, and that people agree it was a form of punishment. I'm also sorry that some of you have not only had similar happen with your mum, but that some of the stories weren't true. That's even worse. I'm certain she wasn't lying, it's not her style and I've known for many years that my dad was an emotionally abusive, controlling arsehole until he nearly died from a heart attack 7 years ago.

Before I was able to log on here after work, I decided to send her a message that was clearly marked "read privately" and outlined why I wasn't inviting the family to the wedding. I emphasised that I was horrified and very sorry that this had happened, but that I couldn't handle having to live with it alone and pretend that everything was ok. I said I could not handle having my father there, and because she's told me to keep it private, I also can't handle a debate with my siblings who won't understand. I didn't tell her the date and I asked her not to engage in a debate. (If she tries to, I'll simply file it away without reading it. I definitely have no interest in reading it and won't be tempted - I've learned to walk away or ignore the past couple of years.)

I also briefly told her how I've realised how much of an impact the revelation had on me, and that it came close to sending me under because I was so upset to find this out about my father out of the blue, followed by a complete lockdown on discussing it as if it had never happened, and then her stipulations that it was a secret.

We never speak on the phone and only email occasionally, which is why I didn't worry about telling her now. If she was the type to get straight on the phone, I agree it would make sense to hold off. It was such a relief, I really needed that and I wish I'd done it sooner.

x

p. s I have thought about making a true break from her but it's hard. She has a good heart when she's in a good place, and it feels cruel. Maybe I'm being soft but I also wonder if I'll feel too much loss by formally walking away. One to think about though, for sure. I definitely agree that toxic people need to be removed from your life.

I'm glad it's helped you to open up on here. I'm not surprised you felt overwhelmed with her placing all that on you.

This wasn't her confiding in a friend - this was her telling you, her own daughter, that your father had inflicted a terrible thing on her, but that all that was a big secret that you couldn't tell anyone, and oh by the way she was going to remain his wife.

That's pretty shit stuff.

It is pretty bonkers when I read it all back. I feel so very sorry that she's gone through this, but I also know I've been encouraging her to leave since I was about 10 years old, and she would never do anything about it. I often felt like I was wasting my breath. However whenever she did seem to hit a wall every 6 months or so, I'd try to be supportive even though I also was very angry with her for not protecting us from his temper by splitting up. I had just about come to terms with forgiving her in my own way as I gained more understanding about EA and the effect it must have on her, and then this happened.

I have some parallel experience. In my early 20s my mum blurted out (during an argument with her) that my brother had been sexually assaulted by my dad. My parents were divorced at that point. And that learning this was worse for her than it had been for my brother. And that he was physically abusive to her too. And that I mustn't ever tell my brother she told me. I reflected on it, feeling v upset for a few days and decided that I wasn't prepared to not talk to my brother about it. Her telling me wasn't fair and asking for it to be a secret even less so. He hit the roof and the whole event was like setting off an explosion. My brother was furious with her. She didn't speak to me for 3 months because 'I'd ruined her relationship with her baby'. My brother was not prepared to confront/have a conversation with my dad and I felt I needed to respect that. I couldn't maintain a relationship with my dad without talking about it so had no contact with him for several years. It was all hideous. There was a coming out of the other side to it too eventually. it took a while to get there. And involved letting go of a lot of sense of responsibility for other people. And focusing on the future/story I was building in my life while remaining really close to my brother. It does get easier but takes serious time.
Remember, though, that your mum has given you a burden with nowhere to put it down. You can't address it with your parents. Your mum doesn't want to divorce him, there's nothing for you to do, which will be compounding your powerlessness in this burden. That's not fair. You could choose to share it with your siblings if you felt it would help them make sense of things and support each other, but you may feel that's not fair to your mum. That was, though, a risk she took in telling you.
You could also ask your mum to make an excuse for not making the wedding and invite your siblings anyway. It seems unfair for you to not have family there if you want them there.
Be kind to yourself.

Chaosagain - my god, that is another very sad and tough story. I can only imagine how hard that was for you, and you're right - letting go of responsibility (for my mum) is something I have to do. I'm glad you got there eventually with your brother and mum.

You say you didn't speak to your dad for several years - did you "forgive" him? I feel like I can never speak to him again. Does he know you know?

I've thought about it and I can't talk to my siblings about it, especially one of them, because the main first incident is connected to her and I actually think it would turn her life upside down. And the other sibling has already had a very rocky time with him, similar to me, and given her past I could see it sending her on a downward spiral. I do believe in being truthful but in a way, if they knew it would be him hurting us all over again.

Dear Op. This is so hard. Some streams of consciousness from me, who is working through some tricky family dynamics trying to work out how to not allow the past to affect my future and how to tread the line between saving people from pain by keeping secrets that are not mine to tell and freeing them from pain by letter secrets out and releasing everyone from the burden of silence.

Your parents have both in their own way hurt and damaged their children. You all carry the scars of your childhood and are trying to move on with your lives despite it all. As you quite rightly recognise, they both had choices and they still have choices now.

I believe that on some level we have a deep knowledge of what has happened in our families and the burden of not fully understanding carries with it a huge amount of pain. By telling this secret, your mother has released you from this burden and in time, you will find a way to tell your siblings or encourage your mum to. (Mine had a breakdown, ended up in a locked psychiatric ward and doesn't remember everything.)

You don't need to forgive her for everything she has done (or forgive your father) but hopefully you will be able to understand, make peace with yourself, allow the universe to take the burden so you don't have to.

Perhaps in a way she was telling you, you did the right thing by walking away from your previous relationship and that you have the strength to do what she didn't and that you deserve happiness.

Perhaps also, it is connected to you being a mother and her seeing the failings of her own mothering from the perspective of now watching you and your daughter. You can take her lessons and make the next generation better, this knowledge will allow you never to accept what she accepted.

The wedding question is difficult and will be painful but you do not have to create a picture postcard of the perfect family wedding from a family that was far from perfect. Make it your perfect day.

If you do want your siblings or your mother there, think about giving them the choice, explain in a way that you are able to but reason with yourself first that they may not be able to and either way, it will be painful.

I am planting irises in my garden today, one is for you.

anotherdayanothersquabble - thank you so much. When I read your last sentence, I burst into tears.

A lot of what you've said is a totally different take on what happened. I'd never considered what the subtext could have been. Too broken by the face of it.

I work so hard everyday to make sure I raise my daughter in the complete opposite way to my parents. I've made some serious promises to myself about giving her the freedom of choice I never had and treating her with respect.

I'm not very good with words today, but thank you for your kindness.

Well, I did resume contact with my dad after a couple of years, mainly because he was putting my brother under serious pressure about it all and that didn't feel fair to my brother. I resumed contact on the condition we didn't talk about my reason for non-contact. My dad agreed but struggled to actually do that.

Sadly, it wasn't very long after that my brother was diagnosed with a terminal illness and died 3 months later. In the aftermath/grief I decided to let it all go and tried to get something out of a relationship with my dad that looking back, he wasn't capable of giving but I felt I needed.
Wind forward a few years from that, I get a call from the police to inform me that my dad had been arrested for historical sexual abuse of other boys. He's now serving a long sentence and I'm no contact with him again, which I intend to stay, I think.
I'm also low contact with my mum, who is a victim in lots of ways, but was also abusive in her own way.
The thing for me has been about what to let go of. I'm so so lucky. I have a wonderful husband, we have enough income to not struggle or worry in life, I have 2 gorgeous children, we're expecting a third and the story we have built is my story, not the sad sorry mess of a family I came from.
It's bear hunt style, you're going to have to go through the pain of processing it all, but it doesn't have to own you or be who you are or what you're about.... Good luck with it all and think hard about how to be kind to yourself in the midst of it all.

chaos Your post is chilling and makes me wonder if there is ever only one abused party....