I Don't Know What to do Anymore

[SeeThr0ughFaded]

Hi all, firstly sorry for what will probably be a long post. I've never posted on here before but have come on out of desperation in the hope that some of you ladies might have a pearl of wisdom/suggestion/something.

Hubby and I are really at a crisis point. The other day he threw his wedding ring at me whilst shouting "I'm f**king unhappy". This is not the first huge argument we've had by any means, but it is the first time he's admitted to being unhappy (something I've known for a while now).

A bit of background:
He's widowed, he cared for his first wife for some years. It was v hard for him. He seems to have grieved and moved on (as much as one can).
This is my second marriage. We all get on well with the ex.
I have 2 kids from my previous (DS1 - 10, DS2 - 8), we have one together (DS3 - 3).
Finances are tight, but not desperate by any means. They are tight because we have a nice lifestyle. That's a choice. He is quite materialistic.
The kids love him.
I love him to bits and this is all breaking my heart
He says he loves us all too and doesn't want to leave (despite me having given him the option and made it very easy for him to do so)

The bottom line is that he is just awful to us. He never hugs or cuddles me (although we do have sex), he's short and bad tempered with everyone. He's horrible to my eldest (the other day he called him a d*ck-head because he didn't understand how to skim a stone. Fortunately DS1 didn't hear). We all have to walk on eggshells around him in case he kicks off. He is emotionally detached from all of us except his own son. We have had counselling but somehow none of that came up. It got focussed on finances, our lack of balance with that (he controls everything, I'm a SAHM). He sat there in front of the counsellor and I and put his public face on and made us both believe that he'd had some revelation and it was all going to be fine. Two months later, he's back to muttering under his breath and slamming doors.

There's obviously and awful lot more to it but I don't want to a) bore you all or b) clog up the facts. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've spent the last 4 years since he moved in with us (which is pretty much when he went from ace perfect partner to miserable ass) trying my hardest to make him happy and I'm clearly failing. I'm at the point now where I'm keeping him away from my eldest kids to at least try to protect them from the atmosphere (he works shifts so I can make sure they're apart for several days at a time). It's no way to live. We're currently considering him going abroad to work but it just feels like delaying the inevitable for when he comes home again.

Help!

So the excuses have started --good luck with that one
Poor DC's

Thanks inlectorecumbit - very helpful.

Ignore the fuckwitt

Singingstones thank you for your post - I've only just seen it. It sounds very similar to my situation and is is exactly what I've been trying to get at. You put it well "I wanted one last go at getting the lovely DH back." and that's where I'm at. I want to have one last go as I do still that person there, behind all the stress. If he's prepared to help himself and really get it sorted then I'm prepared to help him too. Of course, if that doesn't happen I will have to go, for the sake of the boys.

I agree he crossed a huge line that will take a lot of coming back from with your DC. The question is if you want to go back over that line? I'm not sure you do from what you have said.
I certainly wasn't using the military as an excuse and I don't think you are either but it is a reason for certain behaviours. It doesn't make things ok though on any level but helps us understand. It's a hugely different way of life. I couldn't have lived it. my DP was also in for 22yrs but we met once he left. And the things they have seen are just beyond my imagination.
But he sounds like he changed when you moved in together which is a different matter. I think the only answer is, to talk as singingstones has said so well. I think it's the only way back if you think it's worth it.

It does sound very similar - I really felt like he couldn't stand us and the thing that made me do something was him getting angry with the children when they didn't deserve it, like you. There was one particular incident and I can't remember what he said to DS now but I remember the look on DS's face - I just couldn't put up with that.

It was quite useful though, because when I spelled it out - 'our son is a lovely boy and you are hurting him' - he had nowhere to go and couldn't justify it.

Our interactions had been locked into this unhealthy cycle of confrontation / avoidance / resentment for so long that it was hard to step outside. So for us it was important to say - I don't want to argue, you don't seem happy, things are not right - I tried to be sympathetic and said I would do my best to help him to get back to himself if he wanted. So not just 'you are hurting our son' but 'you are hurting our son and I know you love him so what's going on, this is not like you?'

For us it was all about him feeling stress and pressure and being unable to express that or ask for any kind of help. I had to look at myself too of course and learn not to think of him as just a twat but as someone who needed support and to feel like he was on the team - our family had been horribly divided beforehand. DH is a bit of a soppy type really so it may be more difficult with your tough military Yorkshireman! But worth a try!

I don't need the big house, the holiday, the meals out etc. To him, showing love is spending money, not being nice!

this isnt all for you tho is it ? dont be fooled that he is showing you love here. he is just treating himself to a nice lifestyle with the big house, the holiday, the meals out etc....

Your DS will not thank you for exposing/enabling this abuse of him - it will do irreparable damage to his core confidence which will close down his life options and chance of living a stable life - no man / relationship worth sacrificing your child for. Where are your boundaries? You can make a decision when the abuse is aimed at you to take it or not - your DS does not have this choice and it is your role as a responsible parent to put his welfare first.

Depression also doesn't cause you to single out one child & be nasty to them. I might be able to believe there was something like that going one if he were equally horrid to all your children.

My guess, he holds nothing but contempt for your older son at least, and your son is trying hard to be have & be liked by him.

"I wanted one last go at getting the lovely DH back." and that's where I'm at So you said in your op that you have spent the last 4yrs (since he moved in) trying your hardest to make him happy, so who is this "lovely" dh you want to get back? Because honestly, doesn't sound like he has been perfect at all since moving in! You are not failing to make him happy, he is abusive.

Him crying & telling you he is going to a dr = manipulation to make sure you stay, because lets face it, who else will do his washing/cleaning/cooking & have sex with him while getting nothing (not even basic affection like cuddling) back?

inlectorecumbit may not have been helpful, and certainly isn't a fuckwit, but they are right in essence.

You are making excuses op. And I too feel for you dc.
I grew up with a mother like this, and it wasn't fun.

read your op again, seriously, how can you love a man who treats all of you like that!?

It has been mention but please look into co-dependency.
This is you.
You need to read and understand about it before you can move forward.
He sounds awful.
So you say you love him.
Why?
What does he do that makes you love him?
What does he say that makes your heart skip a beat?

www.coda-uk.org/?page=about-co-dependency

Patterns & Characteristics of Co-Dependency
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
I label others with my negative traits.
I can take care of myself without any help from others.
I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I perceive myself as superior to others.
I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

Compliance Patterns:
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns:
I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
I demand that my needs be met by others.
I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

Avoidance Patterns:
I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
I withhold expressions of appreciation.

The Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship.