I Don't Know What to do Anymore

[SeeThr0ughFaded]

Hi all, firstly sorry for what will probably be a long post. I've never posted on here before but have come on out of desperation in the hope that some of you ladies might have a pearl of wisdom/suggestion/something.

Hubby and I are really at a crisis point. The other day he threw his wedding ring at me whilst shouting "I'm f**king unhappy". This is not the first huge argument we've had by any means, but it is the first time he's admitted to being unhappy (something I've known for a while now).

A bit of background:
He's widowed, he cared for his first wife for some years. It was v hard for him. He seems to have grieved and moved on (as much as one can).
This is my second marriage. We all get on well with the ex.
I have 2 kids from my previous (DS1 - 10, DS2 - 8), we have one together (DS3 - 3).
Finances are tight, but not desperate by any means. They are tight because we have a nice lifestyle. That's a choice. He is quite materialistic.
The kids love him.
I love him to bits and this is all breaking my heart
He says he loves us all too and doesn't want to leave (despite me having given him the option and made it very easy for him to do so)

The bottom line is that he is just awful to us. He never hugs or cuddles me (although we do have sex), he's short and bad tempered with everyone. He's horrible to my eldest (the other day he called him a d*ck-head because he didn't understand how to skim a stone. Fortunately DS1 didn't hear). We all have to walk on eggshells around him in case he kicks off. He is emotionally detached from all of us except his own son. We have had counselling but somehow none of that came up. It got focussed on finances, our lack of balance with that (he controls everything, I'm a SAHM). He sat there in front of the counsellor and I and put his public face on and made us both believe that he'd had some revelation and it was all going to be fine. Two months later, he's back to muttering under his breath and slamming doors.

There's obviously and awful lot more to it but I don't want to a) bore you all or b) clog up the facts. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've spent the last 4 years since he moved in with us (which is pretty much when he went from ace perfect partner to miserable ass) trying my hardest to make him happy and I'm clearly failing. I'm at the point now where I'm keeping him away from my eldest kids to at least try to protect them from the atmosphere (he works shifts so I can make sure they're apart for several days at a time). It's no way to live. We're currently considering him going abroad to work but it just feels like delaying the inevitable for when he comes home again.

Help!

I love him to bits
He's horrible to my eldest (the other day he called him a dck-head because he didn't understand how to skim a stone)*

I don't see how the two go together

Now you are venturing into the sunken costs fallacy which keeps people in bad relationships far longer than they should.

People change. Often, those changes will result in formerly good partners no longer being good matches for each other. In those circumstances, it’s best that couples break up or transition to some other form of relationship. It is often the case, though, that couples will look at their history and conclude that too much time, effort, and energy has been invested in the relationship to end it.

It’s a mistake to think that the amount of investment in a relationship automatically adds value to that relationship. It doesn’t. The value of the relationship consists of what is happening in the present and in the future. The past is done. The past is useful in predicting the future, but the past by itself doesn’t actually add any value. The length of a relationship or the amount of effort put into a relationship doesn’t actually add value. If it’s clear that a relationship won’t serve you in the future, your previous investment in the relationship won’t change that.

All this talk about supposedly "throwing a relationship that could be saved if the root cause is identified and fixed" is just that and is really damaging to you and in turn your children who are also learning from you about relationships.

Think your own kindness and niceness here towards him is your undoing; he does not deserve you honestly. You helped your own self some years back by taking and making some serious changes, that is the difference. He simply shows no interest in changing anything for the relationship, himself or for these children.

You cannot rescue and or save this on your own, what makes you think that you can?. Counselling for you alone is a must, where did these ideas come from in the first place?. I also wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up.

What does love mean to you, that you love this man so much?

You tread on eggshells when you're near him.
He's not affectionate towards you.
Nothing you do is good enough for him.
He's abusive towards your child.
He encouraged you to stop work and now he's blaming you.

What exactly do you love? What did you learn about love growing up? How did your parents treat you? What about your ex - was he abusive? Do you think abusive behaviour is normal?

I can't imagine feeling love for a man who called my ds1 a dickhead. That would kill it stone dead for me.

My ex also wanted the house and car and fixtures and fittings. He wanted it more than a happy family life. It's all about image, false self. All of it is more important to him than you. You can tell because that's where his energy goes. You shouldn't admire him for it, OP, you should hate him for it!

Sometimes we can fix ourselves, sometimes we can watch others fix themselves. Nobody can be responsible for fixing another.

Of course you'd like to be in a relationship with the nice man you met initially. But he's clearly not around anymore. Instead you have a childish, cruel bully stalking your home, who is messing with your children's minds. I'm sorry but he sounds vile, issues or no issues. And your children will always protect you by not telling you what they really think of him.

Thank you everyone. And Dollius01 that is exactly what's happened. All the excuses I've been making for him (and still am) just keep fading into the background when I think about the other day when DS1 was just trying to understand what he was supposed to be doing and getting nothing but rising irritation thrown back at him. Thank goodness he didn't hear. Lots to think about.

so who do you love more? Your DH an abusive bully to both you and your DS1 or your DS1 a young boy being horribly treated by his SF?
If you answer your DH well l suggest that your DS1 goes to live with his DF where he can be protected against this man. If your answer is DS1 well you all need to get away.
Only you can chose

The thing is, love, my boys are 11 and 9, so very close to yours in age and they just would not be unaware that they were so disliked by a parent figure. Your DS knows how his stepfather feels about him and at the moment is trying to get approval. One day, if you don't act fast, he will start to see that you put this nasty man before his emotional welfare and this scenario does not end well.

The ONLY way to put your son first is to get rid of this man. There is no compromise here, you cannot fix him or change him. He doesn't want to change because at the moment, he has you all running to his tune.

Thank goodness he didn't hear Don't think he doesn't know, op. He will be aware of what his stepfather thinks of him yet he will be trying hard to get along with him for your sake. Don't think he doesn't see that he treats your middle son, and his own child differently.

He is 10, soon he will start talking back & standing his ground against what he feels from this man. If you fail to stand up for him (your son) you will lose him.

This man has you running around in circles, and you have been doing it for 4yrs. You keep your kids separate to him, does that mean you keep your older children & your youngest apart too?

Your life & your kids life sound so sad op. Please take the rose tinted glasses off & see how damaging this is for your children.

Cross post with Dollius01

Your love for your DH is overriding your need to protect your children from him.

So while I've been sitting here working out finances to leave him (he's at work today so doesn't know this), he's called me in tears to tell me he's booked an appointment with the Dr...

This is yet another controlling tactic from him designed to keep you in line. Continue to work out finances re leaving him.

Yes. No intention of rolling over and just accepting that. Finances still being drawn up.

Good for you. You need to know where you stand to give yourself options and know you have a choice.

Too little too late quite frankly.

He is abusive, he will not change. Joint counselling with an abuser is never ever recommended. I would check that there isn't a keylogger or similar and he already knows about this thread. Seems a bit of a coincidence don't you think?

If he is that determined to fix himself he should move out and deal with it away from you all. And in the meantime you get counselling for yourself to work out why on earth you love a man who can treat you all with such complete and utter hatred and contempt.

Bit strong I think summerwinterton. He's not like that at all (keylogger etc), he has no issue with me going out, staying with my best (male) friend etc etc. He has many issues but I've never ever felt like he spies on me. As for him moving out while he fixes himself, I wouldn't want that. If he has a problem and addresses it I will be there with him to help him through it. If he refuses to acknowledge and/or sort it then I will take action.
There are two options here: 1) He's just a nasty abuser who I need to leave and 2) He's suffering from severe depression. Neither I nor any of my friends believe him to be the former. Having spoken to several of my friends today who know him well, they've all said they don't believe he's intrinsically a "bad man". I will see how the Dr goes whilst still making sure I am organising to leave.
Thank you for all your replies. You have given me the strength to actually sit down and work out that I do have a choice, which I doubted before. I feel much stronger knowing that actually I CAN walk away.

Depression does not excuse an abuser. I think you are minimising his behaviour tbh. If any man spoke in that way about my DC he would be gone so fast his feet wouldn't touch the ground.

hesterton he hasn't seen anything dreadful in his career but he went through a hellish time with his first wife - nursed her for years through a horrible illness, found her after a suicide attempt, she eventually took her own life abroad (if you get my meaning). PTSD from this wouldn't surprise me. I agree, it doesn't excuse it and he totally needs to make the decision f himself about getting help, but sometimes it takes someone close to you to point it out before you realise you have a problem.
To be honest I could do without the "who do you love more" comments. Clearly it's my son, otherwise I wouldn't even be considering leaving DH. I just think mental health issues are extremely tricky to deal with and people deserve for the ones they love to at least TRY to see them through it.

I think depending on how long he was in the military that is really important. The issues they have had to deal with and what is done for them when they are in the military makes civvie street a challenge. What you say about his wife too is so sad. He should be treating you or your son in that way. Neither is acceptable and maybe even not forgivable. Is he now in the police? From experience that also is a certain kind of man. Not a bad man but in terms of how they fit into the family situation.

This was me a few years ago, 2 primary aged DCs, DH just seemed so angry all the time. I often knew I'd done something wrong without knowing what. If I was upstairs and the others were downstairs, DCs when they needed something would come up to ask me for fear of setting him off. If I said 'ask daddy' they'd say 'please can you ask him?' He regularly made them cry in what should have been a perfectly ordinary interaction. They would go to school or bed in tears because of him. I hated him.

I swung between avoiding him and confronting him. We had endless arguments about his behaviour and he would be very defensive and nasty, finding (usually ridiculous) ways to blame me for everything. I started putting together a plan for leaving but before I went I made one last ditch effort, asked him to just sit and listen, that what I was going to say was important for all of us and our future happiness was at stake. I wanted one last go at getting the lovely DH back.

In a very calm and non confrontational way I explained how his behaviour affected us. I asked him whether this was the kind of father he wanted to be. I reminded him how happy and fun he used to be, why I fell in love with him and why I wanted him to be my children's father, told him all the things he could offer them that I can't. I told him that I wasn't prepared to let the DCs grow up being frightened in their own house and that if he didn't do something about it right now we would leave. He started off defensive but I just made him shut up and listen, was very factual with examples and he did get it eventually and was very upset and ashamed. (We were both sobbing away merrily.)

He started talking about why he thought he behaved like that and agreed to try his best to sort himself out. He helped me to help him by explaining various things that stressed him out etc and we talked A LOT about how to communicate.

It was a rocky road but he is like a different person. We are still together and a really happy and relaxed family now. DCs adore him again and so do I.

Just wanted to share that with you OP in case it might help. Obviously if there is no hope of ending the awfulness then just LTB quick. Good luck....

Can't you put the children first instead of him??

depression causes abuse now does it?? Nope you are making excuses

You can choose who you bring into your life but your kids just have to suck it up

Hi Minime85, he was in for 22 years, was a cadet before that and is now a reservist - not institutionalized at all ! ;) He was always very aware of being dependent on the forces though and didn't live on camp, had his own house etc so that when he did leave it wasn't all a shock to him. He is, however, very used to doing everything for himself, and very used to having to look after others (and have them do things his way, either through work and orders, or in the case of his late wife because she couldn't do it herself) This has always been an obvious clash between us anyway as I was a single Mum when we met and was also used to it all being done my way.

I was always prepared for a certain level of "stiff upper lip" because of the military thing, he's also a Yorkshireman and because of what he went through with R. He was never particularly demonstrative even when we were dating. There is a world of difference though between being a bit stand offish and being unable to help being permanently irritated with your family. He's not a bad man but there is something going on up there that he won't/can't admit to. While I love him to bits, I can't have it carrying on. He crossed the line with my boy.