Lack of Sex

[RedMan2016]

I'm a male, 46 and have two children 10 & 12. My wife dotes on the three of us and we are to all pretence and purposes a happy family. Over the past 12 years however the lack of coitous has diminished to the point whereby I do not think we will ever be intimate again.

For years I have taken the rejection and now this has mentally affected who I am. I do not feel the same confident person I used to be.

I get moody with resentment and sometimes this causes arguements and this further deepens my resentment.

I've considered finding a sexual partner outside the marital home just to relieve my pent up frustrations. Masturbation alone does not fill the void. Using porn does not do anything apart from making me feel like a pervert watching an 18 year old masturbate.

I've stopped going out on the off chance that she may feel in the mood and I'd miss out on that opportunity. I feel totally consumed at times with he thought of not having sex, it is the one thing that is on my mind all day long, not every 8 seconds!

I have resigned myself to the fact that we may never be intimate sexually again, and for a day or two I'm ok with this, but then I'm all consumed by the urge to have some physical contact. I've even contemplated going with a prostitute, approaching a single neighbour to become friends with benefits.

I feel that I'm becoming perverse in my thoughts, I can't even have a meeting without thinking about the prospect of having sex with these colleagues.

It's so demoralising that I feel a little resentful to my wonderful children, although I do think this would have happened regardless of children.

I'm not sure what or where to turn next. I feel that I'm being totally selfish about my needs. I could not have had a more caring wife who does everything for us 3.

This is how affairs happen. You do need to explain to your wife just how unhappy you are with the lack of sexual intimacy. Tell her that it's something you want to work on together and maybe suggest some counselling for her (if she wants it), you and also counselling together. You need to understand how she is feeling and she needs to hear that for you it is such an issue that you are potentially considering doing something that will end the marriage. She may not realise how unhappy you really are. Sometimes people become complacent and don't realise that relationships still need to be nutured and worked on if you are to keep love alive.

I feel so bad for you OP. It just reminded me of the 'lump in the throat' feeling of rejection, and not being wanted.

I said to my husband it didn't ever feel this bad when I was single . But it felt awful not to be 'wanted' by my second half - when we shared a home and saw each other every day. I told him I read somewhere and it was spot on: 'the worst feeling is not being alone, but being with someone and feeling alone'.

12 years, that's awfully sad... Big, serious talk with your wife is in order. And don't back down until you come to a conclusion you both agree on.

If you don't spell it out to her nicely now then you will end up having a liaison/affair and look back and regret that you didn't tell her how bad you were feeling about the lack of intimacy and how much you wanted to connect with her again

I didn't want sex with ex because he made my flesh crawl. But he was EA
My partner and his ex didn't have sex for 8 years and that's one of the reasons he divorced her. She wanted no affection at all.

Just say to her, say one evening 'listen lovely (or what're you call her) I'm really not in the mood for sex but we've both had a shit few weeks with work, can we just have a cuddle in bed and watch TV?'

Cup her backside?
Wait until she "gets better"?
Coital activity?

There's something slightly off about the way you talk about women and sex. A bit Victorian or something?

I get that a sexless marriage is awful but I'm very surprised you haven't spoken to your wife about this? Is this a result of your seemingly Victorian outlook?

I get the impression she has said that you 'pester' her? Has she said that? Do you understand why a woman may feel that?

Victorian, Cook in the kitchen, mother to the children and whore in the bedroom, sounds idyllic! Joking apart...I was trying to be polite!!
Yes, if I'm constantly after a fuck then I would understand that I would become a PESTERING ignomaniac! I've accommodated the lack of intimacy post children, toddlers and now Tweens, then the stress of her work and fully supported her to remove the stress, although financially it will be difficult. I want her to be well again. I've tried to distance my contact purely to accommodate the lack of sex drive she has whilst she's been unwell. When we (retire) go to bed we hold hands and have a goodnight kiss. Otherwise I don't pester...her for sex! I would love to be able to say this is all my fault...because then I would be in a position to effect the change required and we could start fucking again.

Is your wife depressed OP?

If she's depressed it may be because she's unhappy in the marriage in which case you need to start talking. Nobody is saying its your fault, just that you need to start communicating with your wife.

So many men bang on about how their wives don't want sex but I sometimes think they are missing the point. Do you take her out for instance? Do you help round the house? Do you talk to her?

It's a difficult situation I know but as you are in danger of having an affair (or worse!) you need to do something about it.

Red did you see my post re counselling? Often in relationships when the children come along, we can forget that we are lovers first and parents second and that if the main relationship is not happy then if affects the rest of the family and resentment builds up. 12 years with her not being interested in having sex with you is a long time though. Is she ever really interested and wants you, like right away? If not then it does sound like she has stopped seeing you as a man and has possibly put you to the bottom of her priority list.
You have said that you suggest date night etc but she is not interested. I really think you need to talk to her before you do have an affair.

I agree that you sound very old-fashioned and formal for a guy in his 40s but I dont know if that has anything to do with the lack of sex In your relationship. It would be very off-putting for me but I suppose it depends on the type of person your wife is.

I can't see a way forward for you unless you are prepared to end your relationship which you're not. What would your wife say if she thought your marriage was over?

Totally relate to you OP! Why can't I be married to you!

OP, I would consider divorce, you are not happy and things are not going to change! I will never understand how 2 people can get married, live together, claim they love each other yet there is no intimacy whatsoever. In my opinion, if your wife doesn't want sex, she doesn't feel attracted to you, doesn't love you and honestly you deserve better! You will end up depressed, feeling unwanted and insecure!

I fear that if you cannot or are unable to discuss this and face it head on - that's the big problem.
Maybe I'm projecting but that was the undoing of my marriage. My exh was like a dead fish in bed -despite all my best efforts. It was so demeaning and insulting.

We argued about our sex life 6 months into our relationship - I should have seen the writing on the wall, but, I got pregnant and 13 years later here I am.

I lost my virginity at 21 and met him at 25. I feel really frustrated that my prime has been wasted. I loved sex and love men and have told by men I have been with (except my exh interestingly) that I was a great kisser and a very sensual person.

It saddens me so much that this is my life. I live in hope that it will get better but I don't know what to do or where to start.

Please think carefully about avoiding regrets and how you would like your future to look. For both your sakes.

Alaughaminute yes depression is present, as I am aware it is only work related. Post children sex was not the long sessions that we used to have; time, tired, work and need for sleep. As frequency diminished we put this down to life cycle changes. However after second child it became none existent. This I put down to the loss of her father so made allowances for this. It could be once or twice yearly that we have had sex. (hurry up before the children come in - both were not good sleepers) we do talk about most topics, I don't bring up the lack of sex as I stated before, it just looks as if it's all about me. I don't cook, apart from breakfast on a weekend, I do all the ironing, Hoover and wash up. I clean both cars regularly and turn my hand to DIY. She has just had CBT re her work pressures.
Snoopy
I may write old fashioned however I'm a very modern man, I think!

Feelinghelpless awe bless miss, I'll keep you in mind should things not work out! I don't want to be without my children, I love taking them to clubs and helping with their homework, they are a pleasure. To wake and not have them calling for me would break my heart.

Wonderful - what can I say, two years ago I got so low that I moved into the spare room and decided that we could live as friends and parents...I was pursuaded back into the marital bed. It felt strange sleeping alone (3 nights) we've been together since I was 23, survived living apart for a year (Uni). She states that she does find me attractive, but just does not have the sex drive.

Yes all the above is true I feel low, insecure and unwanted. As such even when a shop assistant is providing good customer service I misinterpret that she's being very friendly because she likes me, and then I remember I'm not the attractive man I used to be and she's being paid to be this polite!! Sad but true.

So unless feelinghelpless2 lives locally and wishes to be a FWB, I'm going to be very Victorian and put with my circumstances for my marriage and my children!!

Thanks for chat, it has helped! The last thing I want is a divorce...my thinking is that when we are old and decreped my erection failing we will be fine.

jerseygal it is NOT your weight The weight is a red herring believe me.

Im a size UK 12/14 down from a size 28.

It is NOT your weight believe me.

Something i have noticed a lot on these types of threads is that when its a man with a low libido in a lot of cases it seems to come with a side serving of EA as well.

Instinctively - I thank you for your words... I do feel my prime has been wasted, always thought middle age would be better sexually. I spent my life before we met, sowing my oats as they. Whilst on business trips I've been approached by a few women and have turned these down. Did not want to lose everything over a fling!! I will not act without thinking!!

I'm going to cut to the chase here

When I said Victorian what I meant was you sound like the kind of man who has sex on a woman, who 'does' women

There are so many reasons why I think that from your posts but all I can say is that for most educated progressive women, it's a total turn off

All those things you mention , job stress, loss of parent, those are things that require intimacy not the dropping of intimacy.

We really need to know what your wife says as to why she has 'lost her libido' though

IMHO this is rarely biological, and usually un fixable when it's got to this stage. Either of you could have your sexual urges reignited at any time and it will be hard to walk away from them

*reignited by someone else

Alaughaminute yes depression is present, as I am aware it is only work related. Post children sex was not the long sessions that we used to have; time, tired, work and need for sleep. As frequency diminished we put this down to life cycle changes. However after second child it became none existent. This I put down to the loss of her father so made allowances for this. It could be once or twice yearly that we have had sex. (hurry up before the children come in - both were not good sleepers) we do talk about most topics, I don't bring up the lack of sex as I stated before, it just looks as if it's all about me. I don't cook, apart from breakfast on a weekend, I do all the ironing, Hoover and wash up. I clean both cars regularly and turn my hand to DIY. She has just had CBT re her work pressures.

It certainly sounds as if your wife has had a lot on her plate with the loss of her father, a stressful job and two young children to look after so perhaps it's no wonder she doesn't feel like sex. That said, 12 years is a very long time in a (almost) sexless marriage and as you are thinking of looking elsewhere it's time you both addressed the problem and decided the best way forward.

Is your wife on antidepressants?

Antidepressants can all but diminish libedo in some people. If that's the case then she first needs to first acknowledge that she has a problem and then talk to her GP about changing her prescription.

If your wife doesn't want to address the problem and you've tried everything else then there is very little you can do about it. It's very sad when you are stuck in a sexless /loveless marriage and only staying for the sake of the children although millions of people do it because they can't bear the thought of being without ther children.

My husband was abivsive but I stayed with him until my youngest DC was 18 and had finished his A levels but when I look back I wish I had divorced him sooner.

You say you don't want to divorce your wife but an amicable divorce is better than a messy, sordid affair. Believe me.

I have always taken great pleasure in foreplay and I'm not so much preoccupied with pure ejaculation. We used to have sensual sex with her having multiple orgasms and squirting. There we times when we'd have missionary intercourse and I would position myself so as to stimulate her clitorus enabling climax from both internal and external stimulus. I love oral and would pleasure her without needing her to reciprocate. So in essence I don't roll on roll off!!

Sorry about typos, I posted too soon

She did in the latter stages prefer a quickie...though!!

Bloody knew it! Sex troll!

Is that supposed to be funny Mnlemony?

Sex Troll, is that your only mission to belittle people with your "sex troll" label. I was merely explaining that in the bedroom I'm far from being Victorian in my liaisons. Get a grip woman!!